Saikotsu
05-28-2014, 02:07 AM
I apologize for this long update, but I really want to share the experience of my first true outing, so please bear with me :)
So I've been seeing a gender counselor to help me come to terms with my gender fluidity. Up till today, she's only seen me present as male, but today I stuffed some clothes and my forms in a backpack, and changed just prior to my appointment. The session went well, we talked about quite a lot, and we even discussed my idea of going to eat at a restaurant with my nails painted. As someone who is still very much in the closet, this was going to be a bit of a big step for me. Well, at the end of the appointment, my counselor stepped out of the room so I could change back because I'd expressed discomfort with appearing en femme in public. I slip out of my capris,take off my blouse and cardigan and I stuff them in my backpack. I then put on my cargo pants and stare at my shirt. You see, at that moment, I found myself really torn. I didn't want to remove my bra or forms, and yet I still wanted to go to the restaurant. It's a familiar dilemma I sometimes have in the morning when I get ready for work: do I continue to present as male, or do I finally take the step to go outside either somewhat or fully en femme? I ended up debating the issue for a good five minutes, before I finally decide to keep the bra and forms on, underneath my male clothing. So now I'm dressed as a guy, but I've got obvious breasts and my nails are painted. I step outside, and tell my counselor that I'm not sure if I'm going to eat at the restaurant or not, but I'll let her know at my next appointment. I hesitated a moment at the door, before stepping outside into the world with nothing to hide behind or under.
A quick drive later, and I'm actually sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant I have made a habit of visiting each time I have an appointment. Up until now, I've only gone outside fully dressed under the cover of late night or inclement weather. If I wear a bra and forms, it's always under a heavy coat that easily conceals them. But today, all I've got is a t-shirt. I must have sat there for a good twenty minutes, working up the courage, but in the end, I open my car door, and step outside. My heart had to be hammering at that point, because I was terrified someone would see me, or that I'd be accosted by a gang or something, (nevermind the fact that I can defend myself). I walk up to the side entrance of the restaurant, and upon seeing an employee sweeping, I keep walking. But after a deep breath, I worked up the courage and step inside. Of course, it was quite busy, there must have been at least four or five families seated, with a mother and her son standing in line waiting, their card giving them issues at the register. However, I kept pushing myself and strode right in, past all the seated diners, taking my spot in line. At this point, I'm struggling not to hyperventilate as the diners look up from their meals and stare at my chest. To make things worse, there's still issue at the register. Finally, the card goes through, and the lady and her son take a seat. So now it's my turn to order. I stammer out that I want two 8 piece sushi rolls, but manage to correct myself ( I was only wanting one 8 piece order, but my mind automatically started to try to figure out if it was cheaper to order two orders of 4. Turns out one of 8 is actually cheaper!). One of the employees smiles, and compliments me on my nails, asking me where I found the color I'm wearing (which really helped dissolve the tension). The lady that takes my order smiles as well, she only spares a quick glance at my chest but resumes taking my order as if nothing were different or unusual. I pay for my order and take a seat.
I manage to calm myself down, and my sushi order comes up. I covertly eat it, trying my best to hide my breasts and my colored nails as more people come in. I finish my initial order, but I want to let the staff know how much I appreciate their professional behavior, so I walk back up to the front, order another 4 pieces, and tell them. A different lady takes my order this time, and she too complimented me on my nails. However, something I had been dreading happens as I'm finishing the second order. Someone I know walks in. He walks over to my table, and says "I recognize you. You were at ----'s girlfriends birthday party. You bowled one hell of a game." So we start talking. I sheepishly ask him to not tell my other friends, and he gives me this confused look. "You don't want me to tell them where you eat dinner?" I smile and shake my head, "No, this," I tell him as I show off my nails. I then explain that "I lost a bet." I felt guilty lying about it, but I wasn't ready to admit to friends and friends of friends that I was coming out of the closet. You know what he said? He brushed it off. He just said, "oh that? I noticed, but meh." He really didn't care. We then make small talk and his to-go order arrives. Then we part ways.
But it doesn't end there. As I'm driving home, I decide that I might as well make the most of this newfound bravery, and I decide to see if I'm brave enough to shop for womens clothes with my forms in. I stop by a target that's relatively close to home/work, but still far enough that most people inside wouldn't know me. I didn't want a repeat of the restaurant (even though it is across town from me :\) I spent a really long time in the car, mustering up the courage to go inside, but eventually I do that too. As I cross the threshold into the store, I feel a sort of confidence I've never felt before when shopping for womens clothes. I proudly stride right into the womens section, pick out a few capris and go to the fitting rooms, whereupon I actually try them on before buying them for the first time ever. My forms actually empowered me, because I felt as if they gave me a "pass" to be in the womens department. Suddenly, I went from an outsider to someone who legitimately belonged there, just like a genetic woman. Granted, I know that not everyone will feel that way, but the important thing was I no longer felt ashamed or guilty. I was just shopping. I found a few pairs that fit well, and I paid for them. Then I went on my merry way as the store closed. (I nearly missed this opportunity taking my sweet time gathering my courage).
So yeah. A very amazing experience. I'm still in shock over it. :)
Still, as big a step as this was, I'm still very much closeted amongst my friends.
So I've been seeing a gender counselor to help me come to terms with my gender fluidity. Up till today, she's only seen me present as male, but today I stuffed some clothes and my forms in a backpack, and changed just prior to my appointment. The session went well, we talked about quite a lot, and we even discussed my idea of going to eat at a restaurant with my nails painted. As someone who is still very much in the closet, this was going to be a bit of a big step for me. Well, at the end of the appointment, my counselor stepped out of the room so I could change back because I'd expressed discomfort with appearing en femme in public. I slip out of my capris,take off my blouse and cardigan and I stuff them in my backpack. I then put on my cargo pants and stare at my shirt. You see, at that moment, I found myself really torn. I didn't want to remove my bra or forms, and yet I still wanted to go to the restaurant. It's a familiar dilemma I sometimes have in the morning when I get ready for work: do I continue to present as male, or do I finally take the step to go outside either somewhat or fully en femme? I ended up debating the issue for a good five minutes, before I finally decide to keep the bra and forms on, underneath my male clothing. So now I'm dressed as a guy, but I've got obvious breasts and my nails are painted. I step outside, and tell my counselor that I'm not sure if I'm going to eat at the restaurant or not, but I'll let her know at my next appointment. I hesitated a moment at the door, before stepping outside into the world with nothing to hide behind or under.
A quick drive later, and I'm actually sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant I have made a habit of visiting each time I have an appointment. Up until now, I've only gone outside fully dressed under the cover of late night or inclement weather. If I wear a bra and forms, it's always under a heavy coat that easily conceals them. But today, all I've got is a t-shirt. I must have sat there for a good twenty minutes, working up the courage, but in the end, I open my car door, and step outside. My heart had to be hammering at that point, because I was terrified someone would see me, or that I'd be accosted by a gang or something, (nevermind the fact that I can defend myself). I walk up to the side entrance of the restaurant, and upon seeing an employee sweeping, I keep walking. But after a deep breath, I worked up the courage and step inside. Of course, it was quite busy, there must have been at least four or five families seated, with a mother and her son standing in line waiting, their card giving them issues at the register. However, I kept pushing myself and strode right in, past all the seated diners, taking my spot in line. At this point, I'm struggling not to hyperventilate as the diners look up from their meals and stare at my chest. To make things worse, there's still issue at the register. Finally, the card goes through, and the lady and her son take a seat. So now it's my turn to order. I stammer out that I want two 8 piece sushi rolls, but manage to correct myself ( I was only wanting one 8 piece order, but my mind automatically started to try to figure out if it was cheaper to order two orders of 4. Turns out one of 8 is actually cheaper!). One of the employees smiles, and compliments me on my nails, asking me where I found the color I'm wearing (which really helped dissolve the tension). The lady that takes my order smiles as well, she only spares a quick glance at my chest but resumes taking my order as if nothing were different or unusual. I pay for my order and take a seat.
I manage to calm myself down, and my sushi order comes up. I covertly eat it, trying my best to hide my breasts and my colored nails as more people come in. I finish my initial order, but I want to let the staff know how much I appreciate their professional behavior, so I walk back up to the front, order another 4 pieces, and tell them. A different lady takes my order this time, and she too complimented me on my nails. However, something I had been dreading happens as I'm finishing the second order. Someone I know walks in. He walks over to my table, and says "I recognize you. You were at ----'s girlfriends birthday party. You bowled one hell of a game." So we start talking. I sheepishly ask him to not tell my other friends, and he gives me this confused look. "You don't want me to tell them where you eat dinner?" I smile and shake my head, "No, this," I tell him as I show off my nails. I then explain that "I lost a bet." I felt guilty lying about it, but I wasn't ready to admit to friends and friends of friends that I was coming out of the closet. You know what he said? He brushed it off. He just said, "oh that? I noticed, but meh." He really didn't care. We then make small talk and his to-go order arrives. Then we part ways.
But it doesn't end there. As I'm driving home, I decide that I might as well make the most of this newfound bravery, and I decide to see if I'm brave enough to shop for womens clothes with my forms in. I stop by a target that's relatively close to home/work, but still far enough that most people inside wouldn't know me. I didn't want a repeat of the restaurant (even though it is across town from me :\) I spent a really long time in the car, mustering up the courage to go inside, but eventually I do that too. As I cross the threshold into the store, I feel a sort of confidence I've never felt before when shopping for womens clothes. I proudly stride right into the womens section, pick out a few capris and go to the fitting rooms, whereupon I actually try them on before buying them for the first time ever. My forms actually empowered me, because I felt as if they gave me a "pass" to be in the womens department. Suddenly, I went from an outsider to someone who legitimately belonged there, just like a genetic woman. Granted, I know that not everyone will feel that way, but the important thing was I no longer felt ashamed or guilty. I was just shopping. I found a few pairs that fit well, and I paid for them. Then I went on my merry way as the store closed. (I nearly missed this opportunity taking my sweet time gathering my courage).
So yeah. A very amazing experience. I'm still in shock over it. :)
Still, as big a step as this was, I'm still very much closeted amongst my friends.