Identity

[samantha rogers]

So, I am sitting in my car in the rain, having escaped my office for a few moments at lunchtime, and feeling a little blue and thoughtful. Admittedly, I understand my recent emotional moodiness is somewhat caused by hormonal changes, but other issues are at play as well.
But I was thinking about identity.
I am an actor, after all, so this figures in my thinking a lot. Lol
Back in drama school we had a speech instructor who was charged with teaching us how to strip our speech of regional accent and then to learn how to adopt various accents and patterns to suit various characters. He always began with a talk designed to prepare new students for what was to come. It essentially said be not offended at being told your lifelong habits of speech are wrong. It is not personal but it is difficult to hear criticism of speech because our voice is so directly associated with our self image and basic identity. Hearing it dissected clinically "feels" like an attack on who we are.
My thinking today, remembering those days was this....if simply changing how we speak can so profoundly affect our emotions and perception of identity, then how much more powerful is changing a lifetime of built up perceptions, habits and images revolving around the far deeper issues of gender, whether internally or physically. I realize for some there is only a correction of the external to match what the internal has always been, but for some of us the lines, while just as distressing, have not been so clear, and the necessary corrections are more subtle. Things are often shades of gray rather than black and white. I wonder which is truly more difficult?
Not looking for advice or fixes, just conjecturing.
This is a very complex business, made more so by a lifetime of experience and accumulated responsibilities, and that without even adding in the external affects of societal attitudes. I find it no wonder at all that so many give up entirely.
Sorry if this is a downer. Like I said, just a little blue ...and the hormones and the rain...you know?

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion what you are thinking about even though it may feel like a "downer" is also what will help you transition successfully.

You could say that all transsexuals are actors because we act to survive by playing "a gender role" that is not us or ever could be us.

Yet at the same time we missed out of the schooling of gender that comes with a life of living from birth as a girl and than woman.

You live between gender worlds not being one or the other but always the observer of others doing " gender"

Often you become an expert at being a people watcher but without knowing what it feels like to "be people" as gender.

It is very difficult to consciously become a gender because it is all done without thinking.

if you have ever watched an actor who makes the role look effortless they do not appear to be acting but to be living the role.

Gender is the same way in my opinion.

It is very difficult to appear natural when you are self conscious about appearing natural so you are caught in a paradox.

The more we pursue perfection the farther we remove ourselves from its presence.

It is all about becoming comfortable in your own skin and to do this transitioning must be a personal voyage far more than it is one that will be acted out on the stage of life.

The need to be seen and the need for inclusion can work against you.

Ultimately you must define for yourself what it means to be a woman "as you and as who you are"

It is as much a spiritual process as a physical process

The outside is created by the inside which will than act on the inside.

[DeeDee1974]

This got me thinking about a conversation I had with my ex-wife a couple of weeks ago.

Basically, she has always been my number one supporter and was for the most part fine with my need to transition.

I asked her why she was so accepting and she said "because I know what it's like to be a woman who has to act like a man. It's painful and it's exhausting".

At first I was confused. But she is a very successful business woman and she said that to get where she is she had to check all her female inclinations at the door. She's almost 20 years older than me and will be 60 next year (still looks 45). So she came up at a time before political correctness in the work place.

The fact is by the time I met her, the things that made her successful in the business world had carried over into her everyday life. She had no close female friends and definitely took on the traditionally male roles in our relationship(especially after transition 😉).

So while things might start off as acting, the more we focus on them the more they can become a part of who we really are. It becomes our identity.

[kimdl93]

I see the parallels between unlearning speech patterns and unlearning or peeling back a facade that was for so long a seemingly necessary part of the TG survival kit. It feels more than a bit strange to begin living without that familiar, if confining cloak.

Sammie, what I'm wondering is why you're feeling this is a downer today. At times I feel a bit exposed but more often it feel freeing.

[samantha rogers]

Kim... its a day by day thing for me. one step at a time... the bandaid is coming off ever so slowly. And it has to be that way because of those around me. It does make it tougher though. That is why the times when I do get out are so important. It is what is keeping me alive, essentially.

Kelly - your reply was beautiful and I read it several times. Thanks

[kimdl93]

I know, getting out and experiencing life with friends is really when I feel most at home.

[LeaP]

Your comment on our sensitivity to criticism of personal characteristics has a special significance, as it is one of the primary means of "correcting" our behavior through life. I'm often aware of this in the smallest things, such as walking around looking happy or being expressive. I'll even catch myself self-correcting out of habit. Letting go can be hard because it is so ingrained.

[samantha rogers]

Dee Dee - Thanks for your reply, too. I was in a better place today to go back and reread what you wrote, and it got me to thinking about authenticity.
A large part of all of this is, as was said by Kelly, about spirituality and trying to strip away all of the many layers of artifice built up over the years in order to try and reconnect with who I might have been had not physical and societal issues propelled me into a prescribed role. As an actor, I am acutely aware of "artificial" behavior, its adoption and how its characteristics can become such second nature that it takes on its own reality. So in stripping away,with great difficulty I might add, all the by now ingrained characteristics of a lifetime, it is challenging to try and divine which mannerisms and thought processes and characteristics that arise to fill the vaccuum are truly organic and which merely a new set of different artificial behaviors, imagined to be real.
I expect this may sound vague and pretentious and silly...and some will likely just say to relax and accept what comes...and that is, I am certain, a part of this as well...but I really dont want to allow a set of learned technical skills at which I am extremely good to get in the way of finding the authenticity that will bring me some kind of peace.
You are quite right that behaviors over time become identity. I don't want to dispense with one false identity only to replace it with another.
I dont have enough years left to go through this more than just this once.
Hugs

[DeeDee1974]

Samantha,

I understand your concern about authenticity. In all honesty, IMO there really couldn't be anything more authentic than taking the steps to determine who we are and whether or not transition is right for each and everyone of us.

[becky77]

It's very hard to shake off learned behaviors.
I've spent so many years hiding my feelings behind a blank expression/ poker face. Everyone thought I was so relaxed and nothing ever bothered me. Me being feminine hadn't been an issue for anyone, unfortunately, or now fortunately I wasn't as good at hiding my female ways or mannerisms as I thought I was.
But the shocker for most of the people was the fact I had kept all this to myself so well. My Dad cried when I told him, I never expected that, he was just distressed that he never knew as a child I was struggling so much.
Problem is I'm finding it so hard to let my barriers down still, I can't seem to tell my face to smile even when I'm happy. I've become so good at it, how do you break that cycle?
I cry but still try hold in the tears for fear of being seen as weak, I'm a bit of a naff softie at heart so why can't I let people see that?

[Andy66]

What a wonderful thread, Samantha. Im so glad you posted it. I think blue moods are good because they can be very condusive to introspection.

Many years ago I was pretty sure I knew who I was. Then I got mixed up in a turbulent relationship with an abusive man. After six years he died of cancer, which was also traumatic. One day I suddenly realized I had been through so much and put up so many walls,I didnt know who I was. Not a clue. I felt like a blank slate, like in movies where the person has amnesia and doesnt know if hes good or evil. Its a weird feeling. I would never again be the same person I was before. I tried being my old self, but it seemed fake now. I tried to create my ideal persona, but that seemed fake too. So I did the only thing I could think of and resigned myself to playing it by ear, just doing what seems right at the time and wait and see what happens. And I give myself permission to do things that are out of character because I dont comletely know what my character is yet... to the occasional surprise of my friends, and my amusement. :heehee:

I keep finding myself a little more each day. The puzzle pieces are slowly coming together. I think they will for you too, but it takes time.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Just something missing to some it seems to not even count, or be worth the time of day.

maybe just a miner little detail yet is very importaint, I bring it up a lot yet is still discounted,

growing growing into being who ( ill speak this of myself, ) .being myself and thats the whole person of who i am...... not so much as changing more of being and as you grow you do change ,

you mature you gain insights to who you are you have a freedom to expand and more importaint to my self to express who i am as a person and as a woman , i had to grow to be a woman yes even being female with my maleness all part of who i am and not one part with out the other ,

you see one with out the other i could not live let alone be alive, this is part of my makeup part of my whole being,

yes some discount me and wont accept my difference thats okay i dont mind , what they dont realise is we are not all the same or cast in one of two molds,
we are different so others can see we can be different and part of the whole, and put together rather lovely,

...noeleena...