Feeling Trapped. Suffocating . . . .

[Anne2345]

Much has changed for me this year, most of which I feel quite good about.

I have a plan, and imperfect though my plan may be, I have been working hard towards sticking to it.

And overall, I believe I have made a lot of really good, hard fought for progress in the right direction. In fact, in this regard, I feel really good about myself, where I am at, and where I am going.

Except that lately I am beginning to lose this sense of well-being that I have worked so hard to achieve and attain. It is beginning to slip through my grasp, and I feel like I am about ready to slip back into the insanity again.

But this time it’s different. I no longer question myself. I no longer rail against myself. I no longer bemoan the fact that I am transsexual. Or, at least, I no longer do these things as I did before.

Instead, this is an entirely different experience and insanity that threatens to overwhelm me now, and I am unsure what it means, what it is, what to make of it, or what to do about it.

Even more, given that I have recently made such good, solid positive strides in my transition, I am really surprised that I feel so completely on the verge of just outright losing it. I mean, for the first real time in my life, I actually believe that I can legitimately love myself, and I believe that I am really beginning to do so now in a way that I have never done so previously before in my life. And this is a fantastic, wonderful, exciting, and encouraging development for me! This feeling of self-love and acceptance is more magical than I ever could have believed before, and having the small taste of it that I have had now, I do not ever, ever want to lose that. Quite the opposite, in fact – I want to cultivate it further, I want to grow it more, I want it to thrive and blossom, and I want to own it as I am finally beginning to own myself in earnest.

So unlike before, I am neither fighting against the tide nor fighting against myself.

Still, I damn near can’t handle what is going on in my head right now. I feel almost panicked. But more than this, and much worse than this, I feel trapped, as if those around me are trying their damnedest to hold me down and hold me back.

And being caught in this trap, whatever this trap may be, it’s stealing all of the air around me. It’s slowly suffocating me. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. It’s getting harder and harder to focus and concentrate on the things I need to focus and concentrate on.

It’s also sapping my patience, my tolerance of others, and my good humor. I snap at things that are meaningless and of no consequence. I have a slight headache in the background that I just can’t seem to shake, but that I know is induced from stress.

The worst part of this, though, is that I am easily overwhelmed and overcome by my emotions and feelings to the point where I feel that my head is going to freaking explode in a huge bomb-like blast. Just BLAM!!! And that will be that.

It’s really quite a debilitating feeling, and I can hardly stand to take it right now.

But also different than before is that I have no desire to take this out on myself. I have no desire to beat myself up. I have no desire to make myself the victim. And I have no desire to channel my anger back towards me.

Rather, I want to rail against those around me, my friends. my wife. those who have abandoned me. everyone around me that does not want me to do what I am doing, and everyone around me that thinks I am crazy for doing this!!

Because, goddamn it, I AM NOT CRAZY, and I am going to do what I need to do!!!

It cannot be otherwise.

I need to breathe. I need air. I will not be trapped. I will not be wrapped within a blanket of oppression and chains.

I will NOT suffocate.

I have come much too far and invested way too much into me to allow my train to become derailed now. And if I ultimately am derailed, I do not think I can survive it.

I mean hell, I feel great about myself RIGHT NOW, and yet I simultaneously struggle to keep my head from freaking exploding!!

Where's the fairness in THAT??!

So what gives? What’s the deal?

I know I am far from the first that have experienced this. And I know I will not be the last.

So wtf is going on with me now?

Not that I don’t have my own theory, but still, I need to know . . . .

[stefan37]

You are transitioning and still trying to co exist with your wife and she does not want what you need to do. That creates conflict. Attempting to transition and keep the status quo with the family that wants no part of what you are doing. It's a balancing act and it is very hard to not fall of the van.

Attempting to stay with the spouse in many cases is counter productive to our development, and they in lies the run.

The other part of the equation is this process takes an incredible amount of time and commitment. Events never go as quickly as we would like.

The only advice a can offer is to be patient and ride these moments out. Think of getting caught in a riptide. It may drag you far offshore before you can find the break to swim back shore.

You are in an much better place with your sense of self than a year ago. The difficulty goes in wave. Some waves are easier to ride than others.

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion you have accomplished one of the hardest parts of transitioning. You have your identity.

I can only describe what this felt like for me.

Imagine your whole life you felt sick but everyone is telling you that you are perfectly healthy and have everything going for you.

You know something is seriously wrong and somewhere deep inside you, you can feel the answer but for some reason your mind does not want to actually "see the answer"

I suppose it would be like a child that has been sexually abused but than "forgets the abuse" but cannot figure out why they are having all these problems with sexual intimacy as an adult

They can feel the answer (they sense the answer lies in the past) of why they have problems with intimacy but their mind is not ready to "remember the abuse" because than you have to deal with it.

In my opinion many transsexuals are forced to "forget their identity as woman" which causes trauma and is traumatic so you feel sick as feeling like something is "off" and that comes from being separated from yourself "as your identity"

You than must live without ever being able to experience and know yourself so you are continously living in an "identity crisis"

The problem is most people are living in an identity crisis as their gender but they are struggling to find their identity within the gender they "KNOW THEMSELVES TO BE"

This is the critical difference between transsexuals and everyone else.

A transsexual must solve an identity crisis that cisgenders are not confronted with AND THAN they must solve the identity crisis that all others are struggling with "within their gender"

You "HAVE YOUR IDENTITY" as the knowledge that you are a woman so you have emerged from the first identity crisis into a completely different identity crisis that you share with all other women.

AND you are still dealing with the previous identity as its residual effects as friends, family and society in general.

You are fighting two wars at once instead of the single war that cis men and cis women must fight as their "identity within their gender"

Feminism was about many things but at its heart it was about identity for a woman as an individual because until than a womans identity was always second hand through another, usually a man, her children and place in the social hierarchy (status)

This is why mental illness was so common among women. They had no identity that was just their own.

To give meaning to life requires ownership of self and this requires an "identity of the self ,for the self" but with empathy and compassion for others.

You KNOW you are a woman. You are moving to be a COMPLETE woman. Now the real work happens.

You must answer the same question all woman have struggled with since the dawn of time. Who am I as a woman

You must now, just like every other woman, stumble through life trying to figure out who you are as a woman balanced against who you are as an individual.

You are now taking the first steps toward creating the self BUT "as a woman".

Transitioning simply opens a door.

Once you step through than you start doing the other hard part of living.

Transitioning does not make a person happy, it simply makes the possibility of happiness "possible"

Your path has been harder than mine because of those you love, where I had love taken from me or avoided it altogether leaving me to focus on what I needed to do for me if I wanted any hope of surviving.

It was easier for me to make a clean break so I would not have to fight two wars at once.

You are much stronger than I am because you are more passionate and can draw on those strong feelings.

Two different people coping with the same problem in two different ways and I suspect that is true for everyone that walks this path.

To keep my sanity through all this I had to see it as a type of identity crisis which helped because everyone goes through them so there is plenty to read.

But unlike everyone else the transsexual must suffer an identity crisis related to gender "twice"

First you have to find it (know it) and aquire it (Physical transition), than secondly you have to live and create it.

This is why I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy.

It is an extremely torturous path to walk. It has its rewards but you are going to earn every one of them.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I'll throw in my :2c:. Perhaps it is because you are beginning to understand the ramifications of what a full transition will have. And if you are not at a point where you are prepared to lose it all to achieve your goals, therein lies the conflict. Maybe you're still trying to hold on to family or friends, thinking they will just come along with you. If you are really ready, then you will be able to let go and truly do what you need for yourself. If they come along on your journey, then great, but if not you need to be able to cut them loose. Sure it will hurt for a while, but ultimately it is for the best.

I'm reminded of a poem.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it is yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.

This is a good thing to keep in mind during difficult times.

In my own experience, I tried to make things work with my wife. When I first came to my own personal revelation, I thought that if I took it slow enough or made a few concessions, my wife would stay by my side. It just caused more conflict for me because I just couldn't let go. But she made it easy for me. She didn't want to bow out of our near 16 year relationship gracefully. She turned into a spiteful B****. She started doing anything and everything to make my life miserable. At that point I said to hell with it. I'm going to do this for me and nobody else. And here I am today. Almost two years since the implosion of my marriage and I now have my name changed and gender marker on my ID. I am who I am all the time now. No part time except for work or any other nonsense. I'm just me. Now I'm just getting on with my life. I have a much brighter outlook on life now. People at work have noticed that I have opened up more since my official outing. I'm weaning off my anti depressant I've been on for two and a half years. I can't help but notice a smile creep onto my face every now and then when I think about how far I've come. I used to be a glass half empty kind of person, but now I'm starting to feel it may just be half full after all.

You'll get there. You've just hit a bump in the road. Turn the wheels straight again and push on.

[kimdl93]

It sounds awful. Have you recently talked with your therapist about the anxiety?

[Aprilrain]

Transition is not about others it's about YOU! It's time to stop playing victim, being transsexual isn't a choice but choosing to transition is and that choice has consequences. What should be and what are are two different things. Yeah, people should be accepting but if they aren't they aren't. Can you live with that?

I assume your still living with your wife who has made it clear she is not accepting and frankly why should she be? What heterosexual woman wants to be with another woman, and that's couching it in the best way possible! In reality she's never going to see you as a woman, nor are the majority of people who know you as a man.

You need to cut your losses and figure out how your going to live your life as Anne because it ain't going to be easy.

[Anne2345]

I assume your still living with your wife who has made it clear she is not accepting and frankly why should she be? What heterosexual woman wants to be with another woman, and that's couching it in the best way possible! In reality she's never going to see you as a woman, nor are the majority of people who know you as a man.

I disagree with very little, if any, of this. Your take is right on. You have been through all of this yourself, after all. You have been there, done that, and you know you have my trust and respect, and that I take your words seriously and receive them in friendship (for which I am very appreciative). But this is no longer the context of my current point along the path, or my current point within my relationship with my wife.


Yeah, people should be accepting but if they aren't they aren't. Can you live with that?

Once upon a time I did not believe I could. But also once upon a time I was chock full of self-hatred, loathing, disgust, and denial. Just as recent as last year, I attempted to end it all. I damn near pulled it off, too. But thankfully I failed, and thankfully I have come far and learned much since. I know better now. I understand. To the extent I am able at this part within the process, I get it, and am under no illusions. I know who I am, I know what I need, I know what I want, and I both accept and embrace these things now. So yeah, I can live with that.


In my own experience, I tried to make things work with my wife. When I first came to my own personal revelation, I thought that if I took it slow enough or made a few concessions, my wife would stay by my side. It just caused more conflict for me because I just couldn't let go. But she made it easy for me. She didn't want to bow out of our near 16 year relationship gracefully. She turned into a spiteful B****. She started doing anything and everything to make my life miserable. At that point I said to hell with it.

This, I now believe, reflects the crux of my current anxiety. My wife and I have been together for close to twenty years. I certainly admit that fear of losing my marriage has played a large part in how I have conducted and perceived myself in the past. This fear was compounded ten-fold and made much worse by fear of what I thought would happen after the dissolution of my marriage - that I would face an unknown future alone and with very little prospect of finding another to intimately share my life with. So in a way, which I now know and recognize to be unhealthy and unfair to all concerned, I know that remaining in a marriage simply for the sake of being with another and avoiding an uncertain, unknown future is no real way to live life or be in a relationship. It's not enough on its face, and it will eventually fail. I get this now, I understand it, and I accept it for what it is and what it means. Even more, I am no longer afraid of the possibility of life after marriage, and facing the prospect of an unknown future. In fact, I recognize fully now that this is exactly where this is going if I continue forward with transition. I accept this, too.

BUT, what I do NOT accept, and what I do NOT want to happen, is that my wife turns into a spiteful bitch, that I get to the point where I say the hell with it, and that we both make the mistake of making each other's lives miserable.

Earlier today, we had a long, deep, meaningful conversation about these issues, and where we are at with each other. She acknowledges she is becoming the spiteful bitch, and I acknowledge that I am on the verge of just saying the hell with it. The thing is, neither of us wants to be this way. We talked long, candidly, and openly. She knows my intentions, and I know that it is very likely she will not be able to accept them.

Still, what we both were able to agree on, and what is of great importance to us both, is that we find a way to remain friends and on good terms. My wife is a fantastic, capable, loving mother to our nine year old daughter, and I am no less committed and loving myself. Our daughter and her well-being and happiness trumps all. Even beyond this, though, my wife and I have been the best of friends throughout our entire relationship. No one can replace the relationship we have had with each other. Of course, this is undoubtedly true with many relationships. Maybe even most, for all I know. But the fact remains that if this goes south, and we split up, it is my desperate hope and desire that we do so as amicably as possible. I know my wife, in her heart, wants the best for me, just as I want for her. If we cannot remain married, then so be it. Collateral damage is as collateral damage does. I can accept this, and I can live with this.

What I cannot live with, however, is if I do not do my damnedest to keep our relationship one of caring, love, and friendship, and one where we can peacefully co-exist for the sake of both our daughter and own futures apart from each other. If I fail in this, then so be that, too. But if I fail, it will not be for lack of trying, and it will not be because I just said the hell with it. It will be because it just couldn't be any other way. At least, though, I will be able to live with myself, and I will have no regrets in how I conducted myself thereafter.

In this, my wife is of the same mind-set, she desires no less, and I honestly believe in her sincerity in this.

It was a really good talk this morning. A very necessary talk, for us both. And a very honest and open talk. We both recognize it's not going to be easy, but we better understand where the other is coming from, and where the other is at now.

I did not realize just exactly how much I needed this talk until it happened. I am sure she would say exactly the same thing. It was good for us both. It also takes us just that much farther down the path of whatever is to come.

I also feel as if a huge weight has been removed from my shoulders. I know this is not a reprieve, and I do not look at it this way. What it is is the truth beginning to take hold, and the puzzle beginning to take shape. It also marks the continued evolution of my relationship with my wife. It has been changing for a long time now. It took a huge step in further change and development today. Our marriage may one day end, but that does not mean our mutual love, respect, and friendship we have for the other need end, as well. In my view, it's worth fighting for.

Funny thing, though. I can now finally breathe again. I am no longer suffocating.


You are much stronger than I am because you are more passionate and can draw on those strong feelings.

No. No I am not. You are one of the strongest people I know. You have always amazed me. You are also one of the most modest people I know.