Is it all in my head?

[Jane P]

I am not really sure what section to post this in or what it may say about me or where I may fit in this community.

There have been a great many thought provoking questions lately regarding our relationships with our wives and our feelings and such , and while I have not been involved in all of the discussions I prefer them to the more ( with the risk of offending some here ) superficial discussions , such as the type of panties we might wear.

The questions of why have always outweighed the fact that I do and more so recently how the fact that I do affects or potentially affects others ( my wife ) in particular possibly even more than myself.

I don't know that I really have a question , it's more just trying to get through a thought process . I just find myself , at the moment ,rather exploring and discussing the relationship aspects and feelings rather than the intricacies of dressing itself.

I don't think my thoughts are really coming through clearly but I am going to post this anyways so I might sort out what I am trying to say .

[Rachelakld]

Maybe it's just water off the ducks back?

[Emi_]

It's important and healthy to re-evaluate our purposes and goals on a regular basis. This is a tough situation to be in and it's easy to be misled by emotions and pressures into doing things that aren't really to our personal benefit.

I have long abandoned the search for why I am like this and focus instead on what will I do with this since I am this way. I mean, I don't care what makes me a cross-dresser; I want to be the best person I can be who just happens to wear women's clothes. With the passing of time, I keep looking for ways to be a good representative of what I believe and to be helpful towards those on this path with me. I look for every way I can to be a good husband to my wife so that she knows that she has the man she wants and needs first - I find that this goes a long way to keeping the peace about my wardrobe choices. In like manner, I try to live a good example before others so they can see that my clothes do not determine my character or my worth.

Just like you don't have a question, I probably don't have an answer, but I felt like sharing some food for thought with you.

Many *HUGS*!!!

[NicolaF]

I am very much in the same boat Bonnie.

I have been an inactive member of this forum for a few years, but I have come back in the past month or so looking to find interesting discussions on the why, as you put, but it does seem that the majority of the threads here about material subjects (not there is anything wrong with that, it probably is the main purpose for the forum after all).

I actually have so little interest in so many of the threads posted here that I've even started to feel I have very little in common with a lot of people on this forum. Where a lot of people just seem to have an infatuation with female clothes and accessories, or the way that they feel, and a lot seem to do it in private, where as I have always been more interested in the idea of dressing and passing while with a group of female friends, kind of as a way to feel like "one of the girls". Part of me has always thought this steems from a lack of female friends growing up (going to school in an all boys catholic school has done that for a lot of my earlier years) and I have now even started to question my identity as a crossdresser and perhaps think its something "more" than that, that maybe I am somewhat transgender or androgynous, or simply envious of women.

Unfortunately as you say there doesn't seem to be too many topics discussing subjects like this. I think the reason for that is because so many people on here are a lot older and I guess have spent so long contemplating these issues in the past that they now are just at the stage of sharing the good and bad experiences they have now, they are past the stage of asking why, whereas I am guessing you yourself are probably on the younger side of the age demographic here, I know as a 22 year old myself I sure am.

That's just my take on it anyway. I guess we could stop complaining about the subject matter on here and create our own threads, lol, but that's not really me, I wouldn't know where to begin!

[Alice Torn]

I am 60, still single, still asking the same questions, and relate a lot to what is on this thread, except no SO.

[Wildaboutheels]

No, it's NOT all in your head.

Just probably 90% or better. People like to/want to feel that we are in full control of everything we do and feel good about the decisions we make...

Our Human Brains simply are not going to allow that.

Or are they? Every day our brains UNCONSCIOUSLY make multiple dozens of decisions about what's best for us to keep us alive and "sane" and perform all manner of gymnastics to allow us to feel better about ourselves. Denial is a common simple "cure" when guilt and shame enter the picture. Or obfuscation. No amount of obfuscation will change facts though.

No CDer of any variety can be/will ever be at peace [with themselves] until they can let go of any shame or guilt. If one is not at peace with themselves, it is simply unlikely that others will be either. No reason that a SO would be an exception.

We are NOT in full control of how our brains handle and interpret certain information. This is becoming ever more apparent with the increasing use of ever more accurate fMRI techniques. We are even performing fMRIs on man's best friend now with specially trained pooches. Magazine articles and documentaries on the Human Brain are everywhere so there is simply no excuse now not to know WHY we do some of the things we do. Of course nurture IS also part of the equation of what makes everyone unique. Sometimes Nurture plays a huge part. Or at least it has for multiple hundreds here.

NURTURE. Another thing we have no control over.

[kimdl93]

Yes, it is all in your head...at least your consciousness, and therefore your every thought on the subject, whether it's the color of ones panties or why. But why is it in your head, and not in someone else's head? You'll see ample speculation here and elsewhere. With little difinitive information we get to choose an explanation that we find most satisfying. Some would like to attribute their CDing to childhood trauma, others to positive childhood experience. Still others say their dressing is a proxy for real life GG companionship. Others, myself included, are more inclined to believe that the underpinnings are in biology...genetics, hormonal influences in the womb resulting in gender variation, observable in the structures of the brain and hence in our gender identities.

I can't prove any of these...one way or another, but I suspect someday, a clearer answer will be available. Til then speculate at will!

[Jaymees22]

I think we all wonder why at one point or another. The big why for me is why did I decide to put on women's clothes in the first place, of course after I did I realized it was the best I had ever felt and this was at age 67. Then telling my wife was a big hurdle, somehow I thought she would be more open minded because she works in the behavioral health field. I guess working with TG people sometimes and being married to one are two different things. We are working on this and other things with our therapists and I recently joined a TG/CD support group.

So to answer your question I believe it is in our heads and our hearts! Hugs Jaymee

[Beverley Sims]

See Jonnie,
There is nothing clear cut at all about why and what we do.

Just do it until you discover ......something.... :)

[Saikotsu]

You could ask a million crossdressers why, and get a million different answers. Many of which would be "I don't know." Regarding SO's the same applies. Crossdressing and ones response to it are largely personal and subjective. It varies from person to person. I can't tell you why you do what you do. Only you have that knowledge. The first step in figuring it out, however, is asking questions like this.

As for myself, I've said it so many times, people are probably getting tired of hearing it. I dress because it feels right. For me, its a way to get in touch with an aspect of myself that I identify as female. I don't go to the lengths that some here go to, but that's because I don't want to. I'm still exploring my identity as Adyson, and in many ways, I'm learning what it means to be Adam. Regardless of which gender I choose to express, and to what degree, I will always be unapologetically me. Why? Because I owe myself that much. I'm me, and no one else can be me. So that's why I dress. To be myself. To express my personality.

[Teresa]

Jonnie if your asking "WHY" it's been covered so many times ! I needed to know why to try and understand it before attempting to discuss it with my wife. I described my CDing as a roller coaster ride, living with it every day since the age of 8. The members on the forum have helped me so much to come to terms with it and to achieve an acceptable situation with my wife.
Nicole mentions older members, suggesting it might get easier, so we don't discuss certain issues as much. Thing is when you hit your sixties you suddenly realise CDing is for life you have to start looking for a balance, it's not easy still living with the guilt and the lies, so older members who have achieved that balance are so happy to talk about a good day out or a relaxed day just being dressed. So please don't knock it as trivial !

[Katey888]

Jonnie dear... :hugs:

If I ask myself similar confusing questions once a day about why I do this bizarre thing it's probably more like a dozen times.... :) Don't feel bad about textualizing your feelings... You do fit here - I think we can probably tell by the smile in your photo without looking for any more reasons...

Yes, it's weird - and boy is it diverse! For sure, the frequency of observed traits through the forum here will not always reflect the habits of a very quiet majority - so please do keep trying to get those thoughts and questions together for us all to discuss.. :cheer:

Although I suspect the simple answer to your question or process is already firmly embedded in your signature line... :D

Too much thought beyond that is probably going to result in a diminishing return...

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jonnie, It's great to just off a little steam sometimes.

[Tina_gm]

I have speculated quite often in the past since my reveal.... I have kind of figured out that it is a part of me and all... but it is the why now.... why did I feel the need to do this with my current wife, and not with my ex or any ex GF's? My current wife is prob not any more (possibly less) accepting than some of my exes. And why now risk and end when I have never had it so good??

I am like you when it comes to being here, dressing is basically secondary to many other questions.

[flatlander_48]

Yes.

Compared to your knee caps, yes, it is all in your head...

[Jane P]

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for you responses. This was day one of a very busy work week for me so I have not had a lot of time today. It is always reassuring when others can sort of get what you are trying to say even when you don't know yourself.
Just a few quick comments.
Nicola , thanks for thinking I must be young , coming up quickly on fifty.

Teresa , I do't mean to trivialize other conversations ,I have been in a few and even started a few . I just find myself questioning my motives again , and find I don't have any , or even a goal which I am supposedly to have.

To everyone , it's just nice to know you are never alone . Someone always understands.

Thanks , Jonnie

[Marcelle]

Hi Jonnie,

If you didn't ask "why", you wouldn't be human. We have been asking that same question the moment we (humans) stepped out of the forest primeval, looked at the moon in the sky for the first time thought "why is that up there?". Being TG/CD/TS or points in between comes with a greater need to ask why because it seems so odd/bizarre to be a guy who wants to dress as a girl. Surely there must be a reason why I do this and if I have a reason why, then perhaps I can fix it. While there a several espoused hypothesis on this site (I say hypothesis because there is no body of literature surrounding any to make it a theory), none are close to explaining why. For me, I prefer to take a leap of faith and just accept that Isha is and always has been part of me the same way my "boy self" is and always will be part of me. I don't need to know why because I don't see a need to understand it, change or rectify it.

Sometimes the answer to "Why?" is simply "Because".

Hugs

Isha

[flatlander_48]

To everyone , it's just nice to know you are never alone . Someone always understands.

There is a great variance in the people that you will find here: people who started early, late or in between; people who occasionally underdress at home to those who live en femme 24/7/365; people who are completely closeted to those who have complete acceptance and support from family and friends and from people who are considering transitioning to those who have no interest in doing so. The point is that many different views and perspectives are represented here. I won't say that they are all correct, but they are almost always thought provoking.

Going further, this is the essence of diversity. This richness of life experiences mixed with our predispositions creates unique ways of looking at things. It is not necessarily good or bad; it just Is. While the common thread is crossdressing, how we look upon it is often entirely different. Some have invested considerable effort in attempting to understand the Why of it all, but others (myself included) have taken the opposite tack. Even if I understood the Why, I doubt that it would change me. Usually understanding something works to remove a lot of the angst associated with that topic. A far bigger hurdle for me was coming to grips with being bisexual. By the time I got to the crossdressing part, a lot of the internal pressure was gone.

Anyway, crossdressing is a way to express this unique facet of our lives to whatever extent that we choose. As I said, it just Is...

[Contessa]

Here is all the help you will need to tell you why. If you nee or want to find out really why, then try stopping or quitting. There are lots of variations of why. Why you or we work at what we do. Why we like or dislike different foods. Why we like or dislike different movies. Or even like or dislike our other half. I am a gift for others for reasoning. Why does she do that. I heard a boy ask a girl why does she(he) wear those things. She told him cause that's a girl. I'm sorry, I am, I'm a girl I might not be the same type girl as all cis-gendered girl but I am a girl. Maybe some of you are not like me. Why is that? I am not going to figure it out. Maybe you should have ben an actor or maybe you actually are. Just be yourself. I went looking for who I was and this is who and what I found. Now I like me.

Contessa

[Confucius]

Hi Jonnie,

Is it all in you head meaning, is it all just a delusion??? No.

I suppose to the outside world we appear to be living a lie. They think we created some defense mechanism to escape reality and all we are doing is fooling ourselves. Well, that is so very wrong.

Your brain has neural connections which interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female. When you cross-dress your brain releases a host of neurotransmitters, (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and others) which produce sensations of well-being, pleasure, comfort, sexual gratification and bonding. It affects the reward centers of your brain, and thus it mimics the addiction response. Because of the neural connections the neurotransmitters are responding automatically, and involuntary. The sensations are real. The neurotransmitters are real.

When we experience the "contact with a female" sensations we are forced to respond one of two ways: (1) internalize - meaning that the contact with a female is within ourselves, and we feel we have a woman within us, or (2) externalize - meaning that the contact with a female is somehow outside of ourselves, we are just a man in a dress. This accounts for much of the variance in the cross-dressing community.

[WhisperTV]

“Also the Holy One came upon me, and I beheld a white swan floating in the blue.

Between its wings I sate, and the æons fled away. Then the swan flew and dived and soared, yet no whither we went. A little crazy boy that rode with me spake unto the swan, and said: Who art thou that dost float and fly and dive and soar in the inane? Behold, these many æons have passed; whence camest thou? Whither wilt thou go? And laughing I chid him, saying: No whence! No whither!

The swan being silent, he answered: Then, if with no goal, why this eternal journey? And I laid my head against the Head of the Swan, and laughed, saying: Is there not joy ineffable in this aimless winging? Is there not weariness and impatience for who would attain to some goal? And the swan was ever silent.

Ah! but we floated in the infinite Abyss. Joy! Joy! White swan, bear thou ever me up between thy wings!”

- Aliester Crowley