Miss Paula's Tale

[PaulaQ]

There've been a couple of threads about "feeling vulnerable" while dressed. So I thought I'd tell this story for its cautionary value. I have had misgivings about telling this at all on a public forum, I'll be honest with you about that. And I'm pretty sure, by the time this thread is done, I'll probably regret telling this. But I hope I don't, but more importantly I hope someone else will take a lesson from this, and be more careful than I was.

I was chairing a late night AA meeting a couple of months ago. I did that frequently at the time. I have a key to the AA club, and frequently open and close the place, because people who come to an 11PM meeting generally really need a meeting. For some it's that, or the bar. So I feel some responsibility to my fellow drunks - at times I was the only one to show up with a key to the place. The club itself is, conveniently enough, really close to a large number of gay bars - the nearest is about 2-3 blocks away.

There was a newcomer that night. He spoke up in the meeting, and said he'd just arrived from another city, to stay with a friend until he got on his feet. But he arrived at his friend's place, and discovered that his friend had fallen off the wagon, and was drinking and drugging again - in fact there was quite a party going on. So he fled and went to the AA meeting, having no place else to go. It was hard to see him in the meeting - the 11PM is a candlelight meeting, and he was wearing a hoodie. At the end of the meeting, I gave him a newcomer packet, with a list of names and phone numbers he could call for help. My name and number was on the packet, of course.

After the meeting, I was locking up, and one of my friends asked me "hey, that guy makes me nervous, watch me while I get to my car!" He was talking about the newcomer, who was just sitting alone outside of the meeting. I felt bad for the guy, and asked if he had any place to go. I told him about the Salvation Army - which was nearby, but he didn't want to go there. He was new in town, it was his first day here, and he was scared, hungry, and tired from being on the bus for the past couple of days. He had no car. He asked if I could help him.

At this point, I noticed two things:
1. This dude was seriously scary looking - he had a *lot* of prison tattoos, face, neck, arms, you name it.
2. I was seriously alone with this guy, in a really isolated location. NOBODY would be in the area until morning, and nobody would hear me.
I began to get scared - this seemed really risky, but it didn't seem like a great idea to tell this guy "no, I can't help you." I felt threatened by him. He scared me. Still, I ought to be sort of safe - I mean, almost all the men who go to that AA club are gay. None of 'em are interested in a girl like me.

So reluctantly, I offered to buy him a meal. I'd done this before, for other AA newcomers, although never alone, but I hoped this time it would be OK. He started out talking like a gay guy anyway - his story was pretty typical of what I had heard in countless other meetings. So I let him in my car, and showed him where some of the gay resources were in the area, and who he should contact.

At that point, his story started to fall apart, and two things became apparent:
1. Yeah, he'd been here a whole lot longer than one day. The whole bus and friend story was a total fabrication.
2. He wasn't gay at all. Or at least he didn't like men. No, he really, really liked trannies. That's all he had sex with. He named off all the places he'd met us - he obviously knew right where to find us. So what a coincidence that he showed up at the LGBT AA meeting where a transsexual regularly attends! At this point, I got really scared. This guy was a chaser, a crazy looking ex-con of a chaser. And he made it very clear that he wanted to have sex with me.

I spent the next couple of hours certain that I was going to get raped at any moment. Somehow, I managed to keep the guy from doing that - I took him to Denny's and fed him. I gave him some money, and bought him a cheap, cheap motel room, and in the end, I guess he decided that a hot meal and a bed were more what he needed than a piece out of me. (I really was surprised nothing happened - he talked pretty graphically about sex a lot.) I have no idea how I got out of this - but I did somehow. I think I was lucky as hell, because at certain points, if he'd attacked me, there was very little I could've done about it.

I spent the next day in bed - pretty much in a full anxiety attack. He called me every 30 minutes or so. He had my phone number from that newcomer packet.

So I escaped somehow with nothing but a good scare and a wakeup call. I was out $80 or so - really cheap for a life lesson. There are any number of things I should have done differently, most importantly not being in that situation, alone with a stranger, in the first place. (Do give me some credit for being surprised that someone would stoop low enough to prey on people from a support group though - I knew people suck, but Jesus, that's low!)

So if you feel more vulnerable en femme - GOOD - because you know what? You ARE MORE VULNERABLE! Please ladies, be careful out there, if you venture out in the big wide world. I know being solitary places, alone, at night, feels safer, but it just isn't. Be mindful of your surroundings, and don't let yourself get cornered. Stay in public places. Don't trust people if you don't know them.

I'm really embarrassed and ashamed to tell this story. I feel like it's all my fault.

[bridget thronton]

Thanks for sharing this story

[Michelle (Oz)]

Thanks for sharing Paula. Many attacks are random just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes the outcome can be saved by a trouble radar and using your wits. You did well. Other times? ... well listen to the news. We perhaps are vulnerable but, in my case, I feel less so than many others.

[Alexis.j]

Thanks for telling/sharing your story. You should not feel embarrassed at all, you were just trying to be a good person. I think luck was on your side that evening.

[LeeAnne]

Judging from the description, I'd say your assessment was spot on. Very scary! I also think your helping him (if he really needed it) probably softened him enough to refrain from whatever he may have planned. Glad it turned out ok.

[GaleWarning]

Just one comment, Paula. Stop feeling guilty, it was NOT your fault. You were doing what you were meant to do. And it seems to me that you did it very well. Be proud of what you did for the man and the way in which you handled the situation.

Well done!

[devida]

Paula, you should feel proud of yourself. You handled a dangerous situation with maturity and compassion. You encountered somebody who was obviously damaged, bought him a meal, got him a place to sleep, let him talk to you for hours. You were kind and clearly self confident and assertive enough that even though you felt vulnerable you acted like the mature and responsible adult that you clearly are. You were a great ambassador for AA and the values implicit in the 12 Steps. Don't let your mind focus on the fear you felt when your actions were courageous, sensitive and kind. Women and men constantly put themselves in dangerous situations when they feel that doing this is necessary to maintain the values in which they believe. Of course you were afraid. But you also showed strength and bravery. Why? My guess would be that you have taken AA to heart and you were being guided by your 12th Step, and perhaps protected by it, too. Pat yourself on your back. You go, girl!

[noeleena]

Hi,

Yes different place different times, i know what its like and dont feel guilty at all part of what we do , we could walk away , thing is we dont .

What i would say is have a back up have some one with you and dont do it alone, okay.

And can i say tell some one who you trust to know where you are so if you dont call or be where you should your back up will and can have help or find you.

...noeleena...

[Katey888]

Paula,

That is a cautionary tale - but as others have said quite rightly, you did well to handle the situation with compassion and extricate yourself safely.

You have nothing to be ashamed of for trying and being a Good Samaritan - nor for being exposed to potential danger from someone who was obviously a predator... And in sharing it you may help someone else avoid that horrendous situation - your courage in facing that and then sharing with us is not in question... :hugs:

Katey x

[Maria in heels]

Paula....why do you feel that it is your fault? You did nothing wrong and tried to help someone, and you should not be embarrassed or ashamed!

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula. Sweetie I am with the others, you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. You were showing compassion to a person and that person may have been trying to take advantage of that kindness. You handled it well, extricated yourself with grace and dignity and most importantly safely.

But I hear you . . . caution is the key word for all of us who venture out. Guy or not, we are not invincible.

Hugs

Isha

[Lisa Gerrie]

Male, female, trans, day, night, no matter the location: always ask somebody to stay with you while you lock up after a meeting (AA or otherwise) that is open to the general public. Some "formerly recovering" alcoholics and addicts will do anything for a few bucks -- as I'm sure you know -- and they do know the routine.

Glad you're ok, Paula, but dang it be careful. You've come too far for things to end that way.

[Chari]

Paula, please do not blame yourself in any way for what happened! It was a matter of "time & place", both wrong, but you survived! Wondering if & why the local police were not called to help defuse that situation. So glad you are here to tell your story. Enjoy.

[Jaylyn]

Paula I know this ended ok but I wouldn't let my wife be in a circumstance as that and she is a GG. Yes she would be vulnerable although she does have her concealed carry but many times she doesn't have her protection there. With that being said I worked for two and half years in law enforcement also to get thru college and by no means an authority but have seen scenes similar not turn out good. I would suggest that your AA group redo the rules to where there are at least two of you there every time the place is open. I do congratulate you on being the angel you are and helping others but please do it more safely than you just described.

[Stephanie47]

Paula, Don't play the game of laming the victim. You were in a situation where sexual predators seek out victims. If men like him are after transsexuals or cross dressers you obviously go where they are. If you're a predator liking young boys, you find them in youth groups. If you want to rape or force yourself on a young women, you go to a night spot and drug them. In none of these situations should a victim assume some blame.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Glad you are ok Paula, scary situation and I think you handled it well once you realized the gravity of it. I know a male who, years ago, was locking up alone late at night and was abducted by two guys hiding in the bushes. He was very lucky to escape 15 minutes later by jumping out of the moving car they forced him into. I second the advice to always have 2 people present when locking up in the evening. But, having owned a business with my facility in an industrial area I was in a situation many times when I had to lock up alone at night and I know sometimes it is unavoidable. As males, I think we often get over confident of our own ability to deal with our own security and then when we present as females, or transition to female as in your case, we need to understand the even more dangerous environments we can find ourselves in and be even more careful.
Hugs,
Stephanie

[kimdl93]

A lesson for everyone. There is something valuable in listening to that inner voice. You and others picked up a bad vibe, but ignored it. Fortunately you survived to tell the tale.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone, for your supportive words. The first thing they teach you is: "No 12th step work ALONE." I got a (fortunately benign) lesson in just why that rule exists.

I do think it helped that I treated him with compassion and respect, and didn't show how worried I really was. Once he'd left me, I came completely unglued for about a day.


As males, I think we often get over confident of our own ability to deal with our own security and then when we present as females, or transition to female as in your case, we need to understand the even more dangerous environments we can find ourselves in and be even more careful.


This is the whole reason I related this story. I worry that some of us (and I certainly fell into this trap) think "nobody is going to mess with me." Hey, even when you are a guy that isn't always true, but it mostly is. It's different for women - even if you just look like a woman. I just want everyone to be safe.

[LilSissyStevie]

I think the real lesson here is that you're still sober.:thumbsup:

[Beverley Sims]

Paula,
You tell the story well.

There is a false sense of security in all of us and I have found myself down dark alleys in Chicago around the back of Bourbon st. NOL and in Malaysia to name a few. Usually it is to take a short cut but you never know who is lurking. Yours is more intense as itcomes from a support meeting.

Thank you for the reminder about the dangers of the night.

[MatildaJ.]

I don't believe in victim-blaming and I don't think you should feel embarrassed and ashamed.

That said, I've given some thought to why our society does so much victim-blaming, and I have a theory.

Without victim-blaming, you're balancing doing A (which sounds good) against the possibility that associated risk B happens.
Go for a walk vs. risk of getting hit by a car
Let kid climb tree vs. risk of kid falling out of tree.

Maybe those risks don't sound very high, so we dismiss them. But our loved ones want us to value the risks as more serious, so they add in a little extra risk: "have to tell my friends what I did, and have them think I was stupid."

Now, if I let my twelve year old climb a tree, maybe I'm not embarrassed to tell my friends that's how he broke his arm or broke his neck. Shit happens. But if I let my four year old climb high in a tree, that's going to be more embarrassing to tell my friends. They might judge me. So maybe that helps me not let my four year old climb a tree.

Similarly, maybe walking late at night in an unlit part of town doesn't sound so dangerous to us. But we picture explaining to our loved ones what we did, and it makes us rethink our choices out of fear of future embarrassment if we get jumped in that part of town.

Don't know if that's helpful to anyone else, but it has helped me process some of my reluctance to tell people after being assaulted; the assault was one thing, but having to listen to people tell me I was stupid, that's even worse than getting assaulted. Luckily, I didn't end up seriously hurt, or I wouldn't be able to avoid letting my friends know what I did. (Oh, and good on you for being willing to speak up here and make yourself vulnerable to people criticizing you, when you didn't have to!)

Good luck to you!

[PaulaQ]

the assault was one thing, but having to listen to people tell me I was stupid, that's even worse than getting assaulted.

Yeah, I can relate to this.

I think there is one additional factor behind victim blaming. I think most of us want to believe we have more control over what happens to us than we actually do. Sometimes we are at the wrong place, at the wrong time, and that's the whole of it. The idea that we are sometimes powerless over events is terrifying, so we invent ways after the fact to show how it could've been controlled. People blame us for not controlling it, and we blame ourselves. "If only I'd..." - well, I didn't, and that's the long and short of it.

That said - I learned my lesson and I'm a LOT more careful now. It took me two months to go back to that meeting. I went this last Tuesday. My friends there were worried about me. It was all hard to take, in part, because I felt like one of my big supports had been taken away from me. I'm OK now, though.

[PretzelGirl]

I think whenever you gather in late hours with some amount of people you don't know, there is an inherent risk. AA or NA meetings might have an additional layer because some people may be having a tough time and it causes emotions, in particular desperation, to escalate. What you do is service and it is a great thing for you and your sobriety. But I would hook up with someone you know at the meeting and make sure you always leave together. As much as you want to trust everyone, you should make sure you CYA.

[Mollyanne]

Please Please Please don't feel ashamed or guilty!!!!!! You were doing what you wanted to do in the first place, and that is helping people who need it the most. Yes, the experience that you went through taught you a very valuable lesson. I'm sure that this will never happen in the future and the advice that you have given us all is invaluable.

Molly

[karinels]

I am also glad things went as well as they did, Paula. I can also understand the fears that you felt while the discussion you had with him started revealing some untrue things. However, I really get the feeling that even though there were things to truely be wary of, is the room judging this guy a bit too harshly? Rough looking with tatoos, and maybe he is a bit shy about revealing his inner desires so thats why he lied at first? Safety first by all means, but I also hate to judge others not knowing their entire story either. Just like i hate when others judge Cds and the LBGT community. The best part of your story is that you were compassionate, helped a fellow human being, and nobody got hurt in the process.