I'm living a lie

[dreamer_2.0]

I've come across more than a few trans folk saying they were living a lie prior to transition. Initially I didn't think it was something I could relate to as I've never considered myself female inside like others do. However, lately I've started to realize I can in fact relate.

So much of what I do and say is a facade. I can't honestly answer simple questions like "how are you today?" I rehearse responses which usually include saying stuff like "I'm doing great!" or "I'm super, thanks for asking." This is a lie.

I can't honestly answer why I prefer being small framed and very underweight for a 32 year old male.

I can't honestly say why I'd rather be hanging out with women than men. If these men are checking out women, often commenting on nice tits and/or ass, I'll follow suit even though I'm actually more interested in her clothing, hair and make-up. Instead of wanting to bang her, I want to be her.

I can't honestly say why I never participate in any moustache or beard growing contests.

I'll crack jokes about wearing women's clothing, "we all have our habits", which always gets a chuckle...but I'm not actually joking.

On a few occasions somehow my name has been mixed up with a woman's and I joke "no, I'm not 'Danielle', well not until the weekend, that's is." More laughs because it's so ridiculous that a guy would dress as a girl, right?

I joke about the benefits of going bald and not having to fuss with my hair...secretly going bald is one of the biggest sources of dysphoria.

In high school I was a huge theatre geek. When it was time for make-up or, god forbid, tights I would kick up a fuss like the other guys meanwhile I actually loved every second.

I feel like I always have to maintain this farce because "that's why guys do, right?" It goes double for around my family as I'm not just hiding any femininity I'm also hiding the personality I have around other people in an attempt to respect my family's religious beliefs.

More examples could be shared but the point is, I may not identify completely as a woman, yet, but I'm still unable to live an honest, open life with those around me.

Everyday is a new lie that feels like nails closing my coffin tighter and tighter.

Screw this! I need to start HRT! I need to try and find this "authentic self" so many people talk about.

[PaulaQ]

Yeah, it sucks when you realize that you rarely, if ever, have uttered an honest word about yourself. It's not just HRT though hon, coming out is a big part of the process. You need the freedom to explore and figure out who you are.

Are you still convinced you are a man, though?

[Angela Campbell]

HRT isn't the answer. It is but one tool used to bring the body in line with the mind. It is no more effective than getting a name change or the big F on the drivers license. It is actually letting go of the parts that do not fit and embracing those that do.

The hormones are not magic. Living as you is.

[KellyJameson]

Living a lie is different than having the lie forced on you but it is very difficult to tell one from the other.

We do what is necessary to survive so that we do not lose the will to survive and lying is often an aspect of this.

The environment we live in often dictates the role we either feel we must play or actually play for survival.

I had to answer the question of whether I was an extremely sensitive, creative,artistic male who escaped into a female identity because " I could'nt play with the boys"

Meaning, did my environment create my identity as pushing me into it or did I naturally embrace it not because of others but as a selfish expression of what I knew to be "my truth"
because how you answer this will tell you the nature of your " living a lie ".

Both forms of lies are for survival but with one you lie to be included and with the other you lie to not be destroyed "as your identity"

The lies are simply methods of protecting yourself but you have to answer what you are trying to protect and this will bring you closer to knowing if it is a "female identity" or if you already have your identity but need the courage to live it as a male.

You have to go deep into your motives and fears to understand what you are rejecting and why.

It is probably impossible for a person to remove themselves completely from contact with others and not experience mental illness. We need others because we are wired to be social creatures.

This need to belong bumps up against the feeling of not belonging and everyone at some point and possibly all throughout their lives must confront this problem.

How to be you, while not finding yourself excluded from those you wish to associate with.

Many on the forum are living an "identityless existence" and the pain this causes them brings them to the forum seeking a solution to their suffering.

In my opinion to be a transsexual is to have lived an "identityless existence" because you will not be able to adopt an identity that is contrary to your nature.

One of the most common paths leading to transitioning is a person who was "sensitive" when they were a child but this is also a common trait in men as well, often shaping and influencing their sexuality

This sensitivity is biological so a person is born with it and it has a profound effect on the person they become and how they live their life.

I am absolutely sure the temperament I was born with was instrumental to the formation of my gender identity in childhood that I tried to reject so ended up living "identityless" but this same sensitivity can leave you with a firm sense of your gender but still feeling like you live on the outside of society and this than requires you to change not yourself but your environment as the others you choose to associate with.

Your body can lock you out of your identity but so can associating with people who you share nothing in common with and HRT will not fix that.

It is not possible to be a male as "identity" but escape into a female presentation to avoid the difficulties of being different from other men.

Gender identity chooses you. You do not chose gender identity. The best you can hope for is to find it when it has been taken from you.

[Jenelle]

I think I understand where you are coming from as lately I feel like I am not being my true self around friends, that I am hiding a big part from them and most people. I do not feel as if I am putting on a facade but I am definitely holding back.

I just don't know where I fit to be honest. Right now transitioning is not on the radar but it just keeps popping into my head. I really don't know what to make of it and I do feel an urge to tell my friends something but what? I don't see myself as a woman but neither as a man. To be honest it scares the living hell out of me at times.

I know a gender therapist is in order but I can't bring myself to make the call. Probably because I don't feel miserable and tend to want to work things out myself.

I am sorry for the ramble but your post really got me thinking and I wanted you to know you are not alone. I have no answers for you but I do feel and understand your pain (to an extent). Again I am sorry for the side track into my thoughts. If you ever need someone to talk to privately yoy can PM. I doubt I have the answers but I am a great listener.

[Michelle789]

Dreamer,

I took last week off from work and have lived it entirely as my authentic self. I'm not out to work yet, so I have to still dress as a guy to work and AA. Otherwise I have been gradually living more as a woman. I dress more frequently at home. I surf the internet, go on this forum, watch TV, clean and organize my apartment, eat, read books, dressed as my authentic self at home.

I started venturing out of the house en femme going to safe TG support groups every other Friday night, and then eventually solo outings for part of a day. I spent my first full day en femme on April 12, which I spent most of it at a TG conference, then I went to eat dinner with a friend, and spent the night on the forum and sending emails at home. I started spending more Saturdays or Sundays fully as my authentic self.

The weekend of May 9 to 11, I spent my first entire weekend as my authentic self, starting with my TG support group on Friday night. Now I go grocery shopping, clothes shopping, to the drug store, eat out, drive to Newhall to pay rent, all as my authentic self. I spent the entire following weekend entirely en femme. I went to my first social event with cis-gendered people, which honestly was nerve wracking with fear of being clocked. I went to church as my authentic self too, although it's a LGBT church with lots of trans people there so it is a safe and accepting place to go.

Then starting with the night of Friday, May 23, I have been living as my authentic self the entire week. I started with my TG support group. I went to church on Sunday. I went to a Memorial Day bbq. I celebrated my birthday. I saw my therapist. I ate out, went to more TG support groups, ate out more, went to a meditation garden, a TG play, hung out with friends.

I find that there are lots of ups and downs. It takes time to get comfortable in new situations. Situations that used to freak me out now seem second nature to me. I am starting to face new circumstances, which can be scary. Pumping gas for the first time dressed as my authentic self, I was worried both about being clocked and about an unwanted sexual harassment or assault from a guy just because I am a woman. Going into a crowded In N Out burger at 10 pm where it was incredibly difficult to find parking, facing huge crowds, and an angry guy who nearly got into a brawl with a guy in our group over a parking spot.

It won't be smooth sailing. I've had moments of happiness and sadness. Moments of feeling free at last, and moments of fear of being clocked or sexually harassed or sexually assaulted. Moments where I feel like I'm on the right path, and moments where I question "is this really right for me?" I know when I'm dressed as myself in private I have no doubts. Publicly can be harder. It can be easy to fall in the trap of comparing yourself against someone who is deeper into transition, has had more surgeries or HRT, passes better, has developed their fashion sense better, and is more confident presenting than I am.

I find that with all the ups and downs, I get more comfortable. It's like temperatures rising and falling as we transition from winter to summer, but overall the temperature goes up. A 30 degree day in February, followed by 50 degrees in March, then back down to 35 degrees, than we see our first 60 degree day in April, then we get another chill at 45 degrees, than by my we see our first 75 degree days, followed by another cooling down to 65 degrees, and by June consistent 75 and 80 degree weather. Then of course comes July and August and a few major heat waves.

(Sorry Californians, especially those that live in the God damn San Fernando Valley, I am using the 4 seasons analogy that applies elsewhere and our 100 degree days in May are not representative of most climates)

I have come a long way and still have a long way to go. I haven't started HRT yet, and I find by living as myself helps me to find myself before I decide to start HRT. I have heard people go full time before starting HRT. I have heard people start HRT and wait 2 years to go full time. There is no right or wrong way to do this.

I find getting ma'amed feels natural to me, and I resent being sir'ed (although it happens rarely when I'm dressed myself).

A transwoman once told me that letting go of your male persona is key to passing. She told me that once she let go of her male persona that even while dressed as a guy she would get ma'amed.

Now, I only dread having to show up to work on Monday dressed as a guy. Maybe it's time I come out at work.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to PM me at any time :)

[dreamer_2.0]

Yeah, it sucks when you realize that you rarely, if ever, have uttered an honest word about yourself.

Exactly! A while ago I used to find it fun cracking jokes about me cross dressing. The reactions people gave were always entertaining and I felt, perhaps incorrectly, that I'd "throw them off the scent" by telling exactly what I do right to their faces and them having no clue. I felt so clever. But I'm tired of these jokes and performances. I'm tired of people laughing at something I actually want them to take seriously. Mind you, this is self-inflicted. I've inadvertently created this, and many other, messes.


It's not just HRT though hon, coming out is a big part of the process. You need the freedom to explore and figure out who you are.

Also very true. After each person I've come out to so far (just a small number) I've felt a rather large sense of relief (with the exception of my dad...). A new kind of freedom. However, so far I've only come out to people who felt would be supportive (again excluding my dad, that was unplanned and waaaay before schedule). Unfortunately I've run out of these people and now have to start coming out to people who could go either way. There are at least a few who I feel would not offer support which is sad as I notice our friendship and feel as if I'm aware of the impending doom that they're almost certainly oblivious too. Transition appears to be full of surprises though. Maybe reactions will be different than anticipated and support found in the strangest place. Who knows...

Starting HRT is so important to me because I want to be on it for a little while before coming out to anyone else to ensure it's the right step for me. If it's not then I'd much prefer people did not know about this side of me if they don't have to, much like my dad who I regret coming out to because now he knows what is perhaps my deepest secret.


Are you still convinced you are a man, though?

Honestly, I have no idea what I am. Definitely a hybrid of both genders, albeit an awkward one. My first gender therapist told my second that she very much believed I was mostly female upstairs. Does that make me a woman though? I know I behave like a guy, again awkwardly, but also behave like a girl. Definitely have the genitalia of a guy, the lack of curves of a guy, hairy like a guy, and balding like a guy. I also burp like a guy and am oddly proud of it...like a guy. But the girl comes out sometimes without me realizing it. I've been thinking back to all the different times I've been called a girl or a woman because of my behaviour. Each time I resented the comment, secretly smiling inside. Guess that's been another lie.

Am I convinced I'm still a man? Yes, because it's how I was raised, it's all I know...it's all that reflects back in the mirror. I think like most people I put a heavy emphasis on the physical appearance so, despite a skinny frame, I'm still very much a man. No one can see my thoughts, no one can see the gender conflict roaring inside my head daily. They only see what's in front of them, male.


HRT isn't the answer. It is but one tool used to bring the body in line with the mind. It is no more effective than getting a name change or the big F on the drivers license. It is actually letting go of the parts that do not fit and embracing those that do.

You're right, Angela. They aren't the answer but they are indeed a tool and an important one I feel I need in order to properly make the decision to transition or not.


The hormones are not magic. Living as you is.

Are you sure? I specifically asked for the magic ones. ;) You say living as myself is magic. Perhaps it is, I just need to discover myself first.


I don't see myself as a woman but neither as a man. To be honest it scares the living hell out of me at times.

That accurately describes how I feel also. A bit of both, not fully one or the other. Awkward and in between. Scares the hell out of me too.


I know a gender therapist is in order but I can't bring myself to make the call. Probably because I don't feel miserable and tend to want to work things out myself.

I rarely have answers or suggestions for girls on this board as I'm usually either asking questions myself or complaining. However this time, while I respect your desire to work things out yourself, I do suggest speaking with a gender therapist or at least keep one on the radar. Therapy has been expensive but it feels so good to talk to someone and let it all out. It's unfortunately they're just a paid friend but they are helpful (most of them at least).


I am sorry for the ramble but your post really got me thinking and I wanted you to know you are not alone. I have no answers for you but I do feel and understand your pain (to an extent). Again I am sorry for the side track into my thoughts. If you ever need someone to talk to privately yoy can PM. I doubt I have the answers but I am a great listener.

Don't ever apologize in my threads. I welcome the rambling and input from anyone. :)

[Michelle789]

Definitely a hybrid of both genders,

This is possible. I know a couple of people who consider themselves to be 60% female, 40% male, and they live mainly as female but like to dress as a guy from time to time. Kind of like the reverse of a cross-dresser who lives as a man but likes to dress as a girl from time to time.


My first gender therapist told my second that she very much believed I was mostly female upstairs.

Given the gatekeeping nature of therapists, if a therapist tells you you are mostly female, then you probably are.


I know I behave like a guy, again awkwardly, but also behave like a girl.

Have you ever heard of Kristen Beck? Susan Stanton? These women, prior to their transitions, were very manly men. Kristen Beck was a NAVY SEAL. Susan Stanton was seen as a "man's man" who lacked understanding of female emotion by those who knew her. Lots of us act convincingly as men, only to realize later in life that we're really women.

You know what's even better. Cis-gendered women can act like men too. There are cis-gendered women who play sports, watch sports, are aggressive, bossy, good at building things, who hate skirts, don't do makeup, are more logical than emotional.

And you can be a female and be a hybrid of a "girly girl" and a "tomboy". You can be a skirt wearing, makeup crazy girl who is a logical computer programmer. You can be a girl that doesn't wear makeup and wears mostly jeans and be very emotional and a hairdresser. Nothing is black and white here.


Definitely have the genitalia of a guy, the lack of curves of a guy, hairy like a guy, and balding like a guy.

That's because you've been testosterone poisoned, like all of us.


Am I convinced I'm still a man? Yes, because it's how I was raised, it's all I know.

All of us were raised as men, and our male persona often makes it difficult to adapt to life as a woman. Once again, there are degrees of acting like a man. Some of us have very strong male personas that are harder to break down, while others like me have weaker male personas and less of one to break down, but I still have to break down my, albeit weak, male persona.


I also burp like a guy and am oddly proud of it...like a guy

I also burp, although I'm not proud of it. I actually hate burping. It usually happens if I drink soda too fast. I'm finding that as I start living as a woman, that I drink my soda slowly (if at all), and I don't burp, or if I do I burp very quietly and subtly so it's not so noticeable. Burping is really the release of gas created by food or drink, especially carbonated beverages.


But the girl comes out sometimes without me realizing it.

Been there, done that.


I've been thinking back to all the different times I've been called a girl or a woman because of my behaviour. Each time I resented the comment, secretly smiling inside. Guess that's been another lie.

Been there done that. I found that when people stopped the "girl jokes" for seven dreadful months of doom and gloom last year, it made the dysphoria worse. Now I like being called ma'am at stores and restaurants, being called girl, her, she by friends. I like being treated seriously as a girl.


I think like most people I put a heavy emphasis on the physical appearance so, despite a skinny frame, I'm still very much a man.

Aww. All of us have male bodies too. Some of us have more pronounced masculine features, some of us have less masculine features and some pronounced feminine or androgynous features. I'm finding that even at 6 foot tall with a formerly hairy body (I waxed and epilate so the hair grows back finer) and a thick beard that I have to shave and cover with makeup, I've had other transwomen compliment me on the features I have that are feminine (and I do have a few, even without having started HRT).

God be willing, HRT will feminize your body, although be patient and results may vary, everyone says it's a slow process.


No one can see my thoughts, no one can see the gender conflict roaring inside my head daily.

Been there, done that. It sucks that no one else can see this inner turmoil, not even a psychic.


They only see what's in front of them, male.

It doesn't have to be that way. Some day people will see a woman when they look at you, and some day you will see a woman when you look yourself in the mirror.

Patience is our virtue. This is a long, slow, painful journey. I won't lie to you and say that I have all the answers, that I feel 100% sweet and feminine with no inner conflict, and I certainly haven't mastered the art of femininity. I'm finding I'm making baby steps every day, every week, every month. I'm starting to find that I'm fighting myself WAY less than I did a few weeks ago, and I worry more about things like having a social life as a woman, having good friends, and coming out to people, including coming out to work. I still find myself experiencing lots of anxiety now, although it's less "am I a woman?", because I know I'm one, and more about being out in public as my authentic self, and dealing with new situations dressed as my authentic self.

I find that if January/February is male, and July/August is female, than I'm probably in early April right now, and was in late March 3 weeks ago. I have seen a few nice, warm, sunny days. April, May, and June can be long, unpredictable weather months with lots of hot and cold days, lots of rain, with an overall progression towards the warm, with flowers and trees blooming. It's not summer (female) yet, but spring sure beats winter (male). March is probably the "pre-transition", fighting yourself, sorting this out stage.

You too will jump from March into April, and eventually see May, June, and July.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I want to reach out through the computer and hug you guys..

You know you are not alone..what you are feeling is real

...you are ALLOWED to feel this way... its hugely important to get these ideas into your head so you can be most constructive in dealing with what is real and what you as a person can do to live your best quality of life.

try your best to get out of the headspace where you are pondering the imponderables...the why's, the why me's, the self pity...I have been there big time!!!
It really does just pass but only if you face the headwinds directly and be honest with yourself.
This doesn't mean you have to transition or you have to do anything right away except working on the inner dialog I am pretty sure you experiencing..

That inner dialog is eerily similar among all of us no matter where we come from in life.

I wish I got paid every time a transsexual said they felt trapped...its excruciating. It's especially tough because we all trap ourselves, its a first step to acknowledge this feeling for what it is...that gives you the first bit of ammo to hopefully work on dealing with it.

[BOBBI G.]

I just read your post, and we could be walking this road hand in hand. First came my realization that my thought processes and feelings were not the same as those of other males. This is about the time I started puberty. Born with exposed plumbing, therefore, I was a boy. Tried sports in JR. and senior H.S., not very good. Singing, dancing. and acting not bad, but fell in love with home ed. Excelled in cooking and really enjoyed sewing and crocheting. Never got to needle point. This was all in the '50's. Tried college and found college bars and the girls more interesting than classes. I was fascinated with the stories and information they so willing gave the others in their circle.

I could go on and give more of my history, but truth is, I didn't know WHO I was. It was in the late 60's that I tried on my first item of clothing, have no idea what it was. All I know is it felt soft and nice. I never became a closet dresser, no I was a cavern dresser.To the world, not right, but to me, so comforting.Stayed in the cavern until the mid 70's, still being what I was born as, got married, had a female child, the proudest day of my life. Unhappily played the role of male until the mid 90's, when I started wearing female t-shirts, "because they felt and fit better than the male ones."

It was about this time my house got its first computer, and I discovered the world of the internet. I had never heard the work transgender before the internet. Started learning as much as I could, and the one day, OH, MY GOD, I'M TRANSGENDER. This is really when I started living a lie.

I was devastated in 2001 when suddenly my 27 year old daughter passed away. My wife became more distant than she ever was. I was THE MALE. I had to be the rock. Acting classes did pay off, or so I thought. At just shy of being 65 I was laid off, just three weeks from retirement. Spent next three years looking for anyone willing the hire a 65 year old master service electrician. Gave up, started wearing more articles of clothing openly, wife left me in 2008, which was probable best or both of us. I was able to start blossoming. And,girls, I thought this was amazing.

I was accepted, finally, by the VA in 2013, after having given 6 years of my life to my country and another 4 working for the DOD. Met my prime Dr. and she asked my why I was there and I said i need a gender therapist, and the balloons fell, the party horns started blowing, and this party got really moving. My therapist after three weeks sent me to an endocrinologist, and through my therapist I have a speech therapist. I am becoming who I should have been all my life. For the first time in my life, I know who I am, and where I am going. I have no idea where this journey may end up, but this trip has been worth all of the pain suffered in my earlier life, except loosing my daughter. I know she can see my happiness from where she is.

I guess the point of this is that we all are part of the branches that make up the tree, and our journey to the trunk of contentment, may have many forks in it, but in the end, it is sooo worth it.

Bobbi

Sorry, this is way more than I ever intended to put on this screen.

[dreamer_2.0]

Thank you for sharing that post, Bobbi. I am terribly sorry for your loses and don't think I can imagine how you must have felt. I am glad however to hear things are picking up for you and that you're finding happiness. I hope you continue finding it, seems like you've really earned it.

[PaulaQ]

Am I convinced I'm still a man? Yes, because it's how I was raised, it's all I know...it's all that reflects back in the mirror. I think like most people I put a heavy emphasis on the physical appearance so, despite a skinny frame, I'm still very much a man. No one can see my thoughts, no one can see the gender conflict roaring inside my head daily. They only see what's in front of them, male.


I didn't ask if everyone who saw you thought you were a man or a woman. What counts is what's inside. We were all socialized as men, when in reality we are women with a terrible disfiguring medical condition.

The way others see us on the outside is simply wrong. They'd like it if M/F were a simple binary flip of a single gene - you were either all boy or all girl. Unfortunately, even for the external signs, there are a lot of variations that occur naturally that make the question "Who's male, and who's female?" to be an ambiguous question. The brain actually differs between men and women, but unlike your junk - it's not so easily observed. And it's the part that determines who we really are.

So I ask you again, are you a man or a woman? What do you feel inside? (Don't feel pressured to answer this with a snap decision - it isn't such an easy question sometimes.)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It can take many years to answer that question (once you ask it!!! I didn't ask it for 40 years).

And because we are socialized as men, because we are genetically male and have the corresponding testosterone filled body and its part, and because everyone reflects maleness back to us, I think its a mistake to say "i still feel like a man" and that's that..

If you are questioning this in any way, then you are way way outside 99+% of maledom(is that a word?)...

no one can see your thoughts dreamer, but no one can see anybody's thoughts...however you experience distress because not only can they not see your thoughts...they can't see YOU..

[Jorja]

Everyone else has had some really good advice for you, Dreamer. I will simply say that if you truly feel you are living a lie, take the necessary steps to make your life real. Life is too damn short not too.

[dreamer_2.0]

So I ask you again, are you a man or a woman? What do you feel inside? (Don't feel pressured to answer this with a snap decision - it isn't such an easy question sometimes.)

...I really don't know. I want to say woman but can't definitively say that without some doubt. While there there appears to be a fair bit to suggest 'woman' I just have a hard time believing it even though I want to.

[PaulaQ]

My advice, honey, is to look over the evidence of what's inside your head. Think about your life. Think about why it feels like a lie. How does a man living as a man live a lie, especially since you don't enumerate any of the classic ones, i.e. bigamy, fraud, criminal activity...

Take your time to sort it out, talk with your therapist. But at the end of the day, nobody but you can decide who you are. And if you are a woman, by chance, you'll have to consider whether or not you need to transition. There are benefits to transition, but there are costs. Of course the same is true of not transitioning.

When I finally came out to myself, I realized that my entire life I'd spent terrified of living as a man, in a man's world. I'd carefully calculate everything I did or said so as not to get caught. I mean - what if someone found out about this terrible stuff inside of me - this girl stuff?!?! When I realized that the only time in my life I'd ever felt sort of normal was when presenting as a woman, I had my answer. It was really upsetting to realize just how much of my life I'd completely wasted. (Pretty literally - I walked away with nothing much to show for it.)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

then you are basically going to go in circles until you change something. if the circle you are in causes you increasing distress, then you will start acting to break the circle....this is what happens to transsexuals that fight gender dysphoria..

its to no avail because you cannot get rid of the distress without addressing your true nature... not knowing your true nature is very common and difficult so focus on your distress..how bad is it really? can you deal with it "for now"? get out of the gender mindset and get into the quality of life mindset..

I guess what i'm saying is that more than anything your quality of life is what will answer the question.. if you do nothing , you just wait to hit the wall...

I've said this to you before...I didn't believe it... sometimes I still find it hard to believe..
It wasn't until I felt entombed by living as a male that I got serious and I had no choice but to drop all the inner turmoil, self loathing and doubt...i felt all of those things but I proceeded anyway.
I was doing what I HAD to do ..transition became necessary... i cant say how i knew it was necessary...i just knew...

so what do you have to do?? if you can't answer that yet, then its best to try to relax and see what happens and let your future quality of life be your guide..

[PaulaQ]

I was doing what I HAD to do ..transition became necessary... i cant say how i knew it was necessary...i just knew...


I can answer this one. I was ready to die if I didn't transition. Death was far preferable to the mental and emotional agony I faced. My advice is to not wait as long as I did. Waiting until "transition or die" seems like a pretty clear-cut signal, except that it's all too easy to choose "or die." This weekend was the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I'm still surprised that I'm alive now - I didn't really expect to make it this long. But hey, with HRT I feel heaps better.

[LeaP]

I prefer to think in terms of testing your sense of authenticity and participation rather than using quality of life as a measure. People often find themselves worse off in many respects after addressing their gender issues. There are many reasons for that - but it is also true that many of the very same people would do it again. Why? Because whatever you have or lack, life is at least your own. And if participating in life as yourself isn't one of the major points of existence, I don't know what is.

[BOBBI G.]

Dreamer,
My post was not entered to draw any sympathy. It was merely to show that no matter what, once you own yourself, and who you are the rest will fall into place. Only by knowing you can you gain happiness. The rest should be placed in the Big Guys hands, he won't make a mistake.

Bobbi

If you care to PM me and I'll be thrilled to give you my phone number.

[DanielleInMI]

I'm so grateful that I found this thread. A lot of what I have read here is almost exactly what I have been dealing with in my head for the past 40 years. I've had a lot of these feelings but have never been able to articulate them as well as this. The constant going back and forth in my head about my true gender. I typically tend to be a pretty logical person, and see things in black or white, but this is one of those things where logic completely fails me. I've always thought to my self that I must be bat s&^t crazy, because none of how I felt made sense. It makes a bit more sense now, so thank you.

[Katypuss]

Thanks for posting this! Like the others I relate to a lot of this, but haven't really thought about it too much. I just decided to come out to one of my friends who I did all the jokey 'I'm Katy on the weekend' things to, and he seemed absolutely fine with it. Which was nice. So I guess it does help break the ice. Anywho, I'm about to dive into counselling too so lets hope we both find what we're looking for!

[Pink Susan]

It is good for my soul , to realise I'm not alone .
I too , am Living A Lie
I was always nervous as a boy at school , I didn't feel the same as the other boys , I hated rough activities , I have no idea how to fight , how do you throw a punch ? , I don't know , its not in me .
In my teens and early 20's I'd get mistaken for a girl , with my girly body , small hands , long curly hair , small features . It used to anger me , years later (like now) , I want to be mistaken for a Girl
I got married like I was supposed to , dated lots and lots of Girls , but often failed sexually , as I dont like taking control
I live for dressing up , Today is a good day , the door is locked , I have my pretty pink dress on , fluffy pink cardy , lace panties , pantyhose , make up the works ...
This is me , but I'm tired of sneaking around , tired of spending time in clothes i hate , having to act in a manner I detest . I drink too much , gamble too much , I need to forget
I just want to be me , I don't think thats asking too much , but I live in a straight World , Conservative family , conservative friends , I stand to lose a lot

Its bloody hard sometimes

[mariehart]

I can easily relate to many of the experiences in this thread. I too am living a lie but worst of all the person I lied to most of all was me. When I finally accepted who I was I came close to suicide because I knew I had wasted most of my life.

I still live a lie but now I'm gradually easing out of it. I no longer try to act like a man. I was never any good at it anyway. I cannot transition so I have to do something to relieve the situation.

It's a compromise I know but worth a try.

[Aly Cat]

These sort of stories make me feel sad. I feel sad because I have been there for so long. I finally have some light in my tunnel though. I have come out to everyone and have been on HRT for 2 months now. I can say that the HRT is definitely helping, but the freedom to express myself with friends, loved ones, and co-workers, far outweighs what is happening physically. The physical changes are exciting and I check the changes daily, but emotional freedom means the most...at least to me.

[Michelle789]

Marie, I'm sorry to hear that you cannot transition. I hope whatever you do works to help relieve the GD. If you really do need to transition, then please do so and let nothing stop you.

[Shy_Confusion]

Honestly, I have no idea what I am. Definitely a hybrid of both genders, albeit an awkward one.

Am I convinced I'm still a man? Yes, because it's how I was raised, it's all I know...it's all that reflects back in the mirror. No one can see my thoughts, no one can see the gender conflict roaring inside my head daily. They only see what's in front of them, male.

That accurately describes how I feel also. A bit of both, not fully one or the other. Awkward and in between. Scares the hell out of me too.

I know all three of these feelings far too well.
For me, when I get up and go to work; it's not like I'm putting on a work uniform it's like stepping into a utilitarian shell just to get through my day. And in so many ways it feels like my life is just going through the motions. A lot of times I look in the mirror, see my male body, and it's like looking at a familiar stranger. Do you have similar feelings? Just curious.

[dreamer_2.0]

A lot of times I look in the mirror, see my male body, and it's like looking at a familiar stranger. Do you have similar feelings? Just curious.

I think I get what you mean. Often I wonder if that reflection staring back at me is actually me? This? It's extremely hard seeing past the male and leaves me wondering if change is actually possible. Will this stranger in the mirror turn into someone I actually want to get to know for once? Will I actually be able to be honest with myself and everyone else? Is going through everything worth it? Perhaps it's best to stay a familiar stranger. It's awful but it's safe.

[Shy_Confusion]

Yeah. That's the feeling.
For me, mentally; I picture myself as female pretty much all the time. I have to work at it to picture myself as my body/presentation actually is. So when you go to the bathroom or whatever, it's a nasty little reminder when you see that male body in the mirror again. It's not how I picture myself and so it's like I said--"Looking at a familiar stranger in the mirror".

I try to hold on to the hope for the future, try to work through my own issues to get to where I need to be, and realize that it's all temporary. That last part is both relieving and scary at the same time. I feel like you have to understand that you're a strong person and have the strength to overcome adversity.

A lot of what you've said has really resonated with me. The idea that there's a female part of you that would come out without trying (for me it often surprised and embarrassed me), that was my dark secret for over 20 years. I honestly did not know there were other people that felt the same way. I thought there was just something wrong with me. I never dealt with it or explored it, I just tried to suppress it, and it really blew up in my face. Now that I'm exploring myself, it's been good for me. Yeah, there's low days when I feel crippled by anxiety, but in other ways; I feel happy because I'm getting down to what has REALLY been bothering me for a long time. It can be surprising and shocking at times, but in the end I feel relieved to get it out in the open.

Sorry. I just woke up. I think I might have rambled there at the end.

[typhoidmary]

I think I relate to a lot of this post as well.. was reading over it last night but didn't quite have the words for how I felt. I still don't but I can try. I know I'd have been happier had I been born female. My way of dressing is pretty much full time and it's what people know and love me as... it almost seems like I'm doing everything short of changing my gender. Maybe I'm scared. I'm still not completely sure I want to, and maybe something might happen to stop me, but I think about it more now than I ever did. I don't exactly have much to lose. I'm single and haven't been otherwise in over a year by now, and doesn't look like changing anytime soon. I have a lot of accepting friends and family members. It seems like I've been waiting forever for something to happen to bring some real excitement into my life and maybe I'm kidding myself in thinking I only need to go so far and that things will happen on their own.

I dunno if that was even relevant or coherent in any way, my head's kind of messed up on all this. It is all so scary and confusing and yet also exciting that someday I could have a life more like what I always wanted. But it's a huge change I'd be going through and it might not be like what I thought it would.