Getting misgendered within the trans community

[Michelle789]

A few questions about being misgendered within the trans community.

1. Has anyone here ever been misgendered by another trans person within your trans support group?

2. Why do you think some transpeople would misgender other transpeople?

3. Do you think there is a particular characteristics of transwoman that is more prone to misgender people (e.g. those who went gay man route vs crossdresser route, or those who are passable vs those who don't pass)?

My answers
1. I have had a couple of incidents where I was misgendered within the trans community. Once a girl from Riverside called me a "tech guy", and the other time I found out from one girl that this other girl was misgendering me behind my back. The girl who misgendered me behind my back didn't do that to my face, but she told me that she had a habit of misgendering people in the trans community and feels that if you don't pass (or if you don't try to pass, e.g. an MTF who shows up to the meeting in dressed as a guy), that you should not expect to be gendered correctly even within the trans community.

2. Ignorance - sadly there are some trans people who are completely clueless about trans issues. They think their manifestation of being TG is the only correct one. I have seen some transwomen, particularly those who were former gay men, seem to have a belief that all transwomen are formerly gay men and are solely attracted to men. When I tell them that there are lesbians, bisexuals, and that many of us were former cross-dressers, they are like "uh, really"

Insecurity - I feel there is lots of jealousy that might cause people to misgender others. In particular if they think you're prettier, have more money or privileges, or younger, or are too nice. Sometimes I feel like I'm living "Mean Girls" in real life and I'm Lindsay Lohan's charcter.

I also wonder if being too nice can make you a target of misgendering within the trans community.

3. I don't know, but both transwomen who misgendered me went the gay man route prior to transition. One was early in her transition and very passable without hormones, the other transitioned 10 years ago and passes well. I can't say that this tells me anything about who is likely to misgender me, it is just my experience.

[AllieSF]

I have been doing all this since 2006-2007 and still make the occasional misgender pronoun mistake with friends of mine, some who are transitioning. I am very aware what is the correct pronoun to use, but sometimes my mouth goes faster than my mind. I always feel terrible after, however, it is a pure and simple mistake. If someone does it deliberately, they are the ones to ignore.

[Eryn]

I am guilty of misgendering a friend. It was a dumb mistake. I felt horrible. I will probably commit the offense again, because I am human and subject to occasional slips of the tongue. The only way to avoid it would be to be so careful about my speech that I become unnatural.

We lead a confused life, and often the language binary does not serve us well. GGs use "you guys" to refer to groups of people, even those that are exclusively female. Nobody gets any ruffled feathers about it.

If someone intentionally and repeatedly misgenders you and the intent is malicious then you should do something about it. If a friend, trans or not, makes a simple mistake the best thing to do is ignore it. Is it really worth damaging a friendship over a syllable or two?

[arbon]

I've mis-gendered other trans people and been mis-gendered I dont believe it was ever intentional when it was done to me, I certainly did not do it intentionally, its just a mistake that sometimes happens. Since my transition my wife and daughter mis-gender people frequently, non-trans people and trans people. I found it interesting that they do that so much now, its like I kinda messed up their automatic gender indicator a bit. Just something that happens.

[Michelle789]

I have one more question. #4. Has anyone misgendered other transwomen or transmen behind their back, such as when talking about him/her to someone else?

[Eryn]

In answer to #4, never intentionally. I may have done so accidentally, but to do so intentionally is disrespectful even if the person is not present.

[gonegirl]

I don't think I've misgendered another transsexual in person, but I have slipped up a couple of times in the third person with pronouns. It's an honest mistake and I quickly correct myself. Old friends often call me by my old name or use the wrong pronouns when referring to me and they don't even realize it until I tell them. I guess it shows they are getting comfortable around me, but it's not at all validating of who I am. I know that human habits are hard to break, but it still makes me feel bad.

PS. Michelle 789 - I think that you are way over thinking it. Like I said above, it's human nature to go with what we know and expect even if the opposite is staring us in the face.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Well now what if . and are a female yeap born one though not a complete one you will be called allsorts, and even if you explain what you are = myself its still thrown out not accepted, you dont count dont fit and ignored so works quite well , your out,

So you go where you belong with those you are the same as . yeap other born females,

Took a while to see it for what it was your different you dress different and every thing about you is different you think different and your whole life is different, so you wake up and move on and out,

simple really when you understand that the community you thought was accepting , was in fact not,

So what would i be called then oh yes another bloody male dressed up hmmm not sure about the dressed up bit and the male side facial features yes of cause like quite a few other females very masculine in looks and voice wow deeper by far than mine,

two months ago at a music evening i saw this women and i studied her face intently very very male in look and i thought wow so masculine in all her features,

so im off the hook i'v nothing to worry about,. oh dont worry i know of many others as masculine,

yea i know im not pretty never will be well cant help that and ill just live with it, not to say it does not do me over now and then.

And any way what does it take to be accepted a strip down check out my body , oh a female . and would that change any thing in thier thinking doubt it they allready have made thier minds up so .

so no strip down they cant accept my word they dont accept myself , so im gone,as we'd say bugger them .....so ill not be having any thing to do with that group again, well two infact,

Now heres a strange detail i would say some dresser's are more accepting than quite a few trans people i know, think iv sussed that out now, this of cause is over my side of the world,

Oh well never mind.

...noeleena...

[Jorja]

Misgendering happens sometimes, we all make an occasional slip. Now, if it is being done to be hurtful, you need to go to that person and straighten out the situation. Otherwise, just don't worry about it. Go be yourself and let those around you form their own conclusions.

[LeaP]

I have misgendered people. It's hard to get by strongly male characteristics sometimes. Voice seems to be a strong trigger for me.

[I Am Paula]

I've done it by accident. I've also mixed genders in the same sentence. It's an embarrassing fact of life.
Eryn's comment about the use of the word 'guys' is very good. Women, and men, often refer to a mixed group as guys, but never singularly. 'She's a nice guy' sounds ridiculous.

[KellyJameson]

I try to avoid using words that are gender specific. I once thought a ten year old girl was a boy and referred to her as such and was mortified when she corrected me.

I was only a few years older than her at the time and looking back realize my own sensitivity to making a mistake was partly affected by the repressed pain of always being misgendered myself by others.

Meaning that in my own case even before I had consciously realized and accepted my actual gender identity I was feeling the pain of being misgendered so was harsh in my own judgement of making a mistake

I'm not directly involved in the trans community as interacting with people I don't have strong friendships with and I'm very forgiving of those who make a mistake because I know they genuinely care about me.

I also avoid passive aggressive people like the plague so finding out someone is talking behind my back would be the end of any association.

One thing that has made it easier was keeping my first name I was given at birth (Kelly)

I'm comfortable with "guys" as a greeting but my love of the english language does make this a little painful to hear.

I really would prefer to live inside a Jane Austin novel so I'm never going to be happy living in this time period.

You want to balance being respected with tolerance for human fallibilities.

If you become to defensive you could actually provoke the very behavior from others that you wish to avoid.

Be gentle with people and give them the benefit of the doubt until you are sure it is intentional cruelty and disrespect.

[Badtranny]

I have been doing all this since 2006-2007 and still make the occasional misgender pronoun mistake with friends of mine, some who are transitioning. .

Really? I hadn't noticed. ;-)

Oh Allie you're not giving yourself enough credit, you are the WORST misgender-er ever!

I'm kidding, but she has done it to me plenty of times and she doesn't even know she's done it. It really doesn't bother me, not just cuz I adore Allie, but because as bothersome things go, being called a dude isn't really all that bothersome. I'm a tranny, so to some people (not Allie) I will always be a dude no matter what gets snipped and tucked. That's just an unfortunate part of the transition experience. I pass a lot of the time but to people who knew me before the boobs, I will always look like the dude they knew.

No sense in getting upset about it.

[mikiSJ]

I am a lot newer at this than Allie and I do my very best to remind myself who I am talking to or talking about. To me it is a little like trying to jump between languages in a conversation. I am oversimplifying, but when I am at a Mexican restaurant I have and still do mix thank you and gracias in the same sentence.

I am part of a group of girls in the South Bay that meets every other week, as friends and not necessarily for support. I don't always go dressed, but usually cob y hair out.nd I mentioned that fact to a new member at the table one meeting. Another girl who had been with us from Day 1 said, excitedly: 'what, I thought you just wearing a sweater tonight'. This kind of mis-gendering I can live with.

[Nicole Erin]

Someone misgenders me, that is about the time I quit associating with them.

[Starling]

"Call me anything, but don't call me late for dinner." (It probably dates back to the Great Depression, when a lot of people turned their big, old homes into boarding houses.)

:) Lallie

[Angela Campbell]

I have done it, I have it done to me. Yah. Not a huge deal usually. My mom does it a lot. To waitresses she may refer to me as he or him. It is embarrassing but I cannot expect 55 yrs of habit to change quickly.

It's part of the deal.

[PretzelGirl]

I am certainly guilty of this. Far and away most of the times I have done it are when I hang out with the person both when they are in male and female modes. You get in a flow of conversation and you slip. And you know it right away too. So I can tell you I will be forgiving.

But I think there are three ways that this happens. Those that slip I will just let slide on by. Those that do it out of ignorance I hope I am in a position to educate them. Those that do it out of hatred deserve to be flamed and hard.

[Eryn]

Someone misgenders me, that is about the time I quit associating with them.

Really? You're going to drop a friend simply because of a momentary slip of the tongue?

You're liable to end up with very few friends, but they will be quiet!

[Janelle_C]

I'll get misgendered once in a great while by someone who knew me before. It's not on purpose and usually they feel so bad about it, I'm not going to make them feel worse. It does make me feel bad when it's done but if you are lucky enough to have the same people in your life that you did before your transition than it's going to happen. I was on my way home for Sedona a few weeks ago. A sixteen hour car ride with my wife, and I called a friend about ten hours into the ride. When she picked up the phone her caller ID said it was my wife so she answered the phone and said Hi and said my wife's name, and I said no this is and then I said my old male name. She started to laugh and I quickly corrected my self and said no this is Janelle, my wife almost crashed the car laughing, and it's been almost a year since I went fulltime. So it happens.
I do have someone that's a close family friend that I've known almost my hole life and she misgenders me a lot. But the last time my wife and I were over there house for dinner and poker with two other couples, she misgendered me all night long. Half way though the night I was so upset, my wife could tell she was patting my leg. Her grand daughter corrected her and she snapped at her then continued to misgender me the rest of the night, 15 to 20 times in one evening. So I had a talk with her about it and we will see if that does any good or not