Jamie M
01-16-2006, 06:02 AM
well girls it has been a very long time now since i've last posted so i thought i'd give you the full SP.
first of all the apologies . I disappeared without a word or any explantion of what was going on . i look back know and see how rude this was not to even say a little au revoir.
now then , so what went on ? well kelly and i had a discussion one night last november which basically came down to me thinking that my wife was no longer seeing me as her husband or even as a man. Now i will try and explain the difference now between what she was actaully saying and what i heard and felt at the time.
what she was actually trying to say was that ever since i had found this forum it appeared that i was ever so slowly beginning to be julia more and more often to the point that i always had to have a least one julia quality about me every day . this was somewhat bothersome to herr and i can see why . So then , what did i do to alleviate this concern of hers ? Well i'm ashamed to say that i went and packed up alll my clothes stuck them in the loft and went on to have myself and nice little purge .
i hope you understand that i'm not very proud of how i handled this as all that i succeeded in doing was making myself miserable and therefore upsetting kelly even further . she couldn't understand what was going on and even thought i was having an affair at one point !
well , out shopping for presents one day just before christmas we were in Marks and Sparks when several things started taking my eye ( i never lost the desire to dress just tried to supress it ) and i was trying my best not to be too obvious but apparently wasn't doing too good a job of it .
picking up on it kelly started picking things out and saying how nice they were. now we've always had a little understanding when shopping , if she picks something up in her size she's saying it's nice for her and i my size it's for me . well these were all in my size and really nice things to boot . the first cracks started to appear in my resolve.
then out comes the heavy artillery. Now you must understand that until this day any mention of julia has had me in fits of anger "just leave it will you" or something similiar .
"You know , julia must be getting really cold and lonely up there in the dark maybe you should let her out for a day ?" she says . okay , now this is just such a stupid but cute thing to say that i can't help but smile and from there she knows she's got me and i can't suppress it any longer .
the final straw that broke the camel's back was the present that came out of the blue for julia on xmas day . a beautiful pair of silk pjyamas , wow !
so what has all this got to do with epiphany then ? well until this little hiccup in our lives i had always thought of myself as being happy with just being julia when i had the time but being james at all other times , never mixing the two. I have even preached this to others here on this forum saying that it's the only way to gain balance in your lives . what a load of tosh !
balance can come in any form and that form can change from one month to the next . right now i'm finding balance by accepting myself as an effeminate male rather than an occasional crossdresser . to me that means having my nails painted clear , eye brows plucked , ladies undies and t-shirts as the norm . who knows what it will mean tomorrow ?
i guess the epiphany is to accept yourself before you can even try to expect others to . i though i had but this was obviously not the case .
so to recap , who are the apologies for ? well to all you of reading this for just running off and hiding my head in the sand and for preaching stuff that i knew not to be true .
mainly my apology is to my beautiful , caring , wonderful wife kelly who i now know i have caused so much pain to whilst i dragged myself over the coals for no good reason , who has stood by me and supported me in being who i am .
I'm sorry darling , i love you
first of all the apologies . I disappeared without a word or any explantion of what was going on . i look back know and see how rude this was not to even say a little au revoir.
now then , so what went on ? well kelly and i had a discussion one night last november which basically came down to me thinking that my wife was no longer seeing me as her husband or even as a man. Now i will try and explain the difference now between what she was actaully saying and what i heard and felt at the time.
what she was actually trying to say was that ever since i had found this forum it appeared that i was ever so slowly beginning to be julia more and more often to the point that i always had to have a least one julia quality about me every day . this was somewhat bothersome to herr and i can see why . So then , what did i do to alleviate this concern of hers ? Well i'm ashamed to say that i went and packed up alll my clothes stuck them in the loft and went on to have myself and nice little purge .
i hope you understand that i'm not very proud of how i handled this as all that i succeeded in doing was making myself miserable and therefore upsetting kelly even further . she couldn't understand what was going on and even thought i was having an affair at one point !
well , out shopping for presents one day just before christmas we were in Marks and Sparks when several things started taking my eye ( i never lost the desire to dress just tried to supress it ) and i was trying my best not to be too obvious but apparently wasn't doing too good a job of it .
picking up on it kelly started picking things out and saying how nice they were. now we've always had a little understanding when shopping , if she picks something up in her size she's saying it's nice for her and i my size it's for me . well these were all in my size and really nice things to boot . the first cracks started to appear in my resolve.
then out comes the heavy artillery. Now you must understand that until this day any mention of julia has had me in fits of anger "just leave it will you" or something similiar .
"You know , julia must be getting really cold and lonely up there in the dark maybe you should let her out for a day ?" she says . okay , now this is just such a stupid but cute thing to say that i can't help but smile and from there she knows she's got me and i can't suppress it any longer .
the final straw that broke the camel's back was the present that came out of the blue for julia on xmas day . a beautiful pair of silk pjyamas , wow !
so what has all this got to do with epiphany then ? well until this little hiccup in our lives i had always thought of myself as being happy with just being julia when i had the time but being james at all other times , never mixing the two. I have even preached this to others here on this forum saying that it's the only way to gain balance in your lives . what a load of tosh !
balance can come in any form and that form can change from one month to the next . right now i'm finding balance by accepting myself as an effeminate male rather than an occasional crossdresser . to me that means having my nails painted clear , eye brows plucked , ladies undies and t-shirts as the norm . who knows what it will mean tomorrow ?
i guess the epiphany is to accept yourself before you can even try to expect others to . i though i had but this was obviously not the case .
so to recap , who are the apologies for ? well to all you of reading this for just running off and hiding my head in the sand and for preaching stuff that i knew not to be true .
mainly my apology is to my beautiful , caring , wonderful wife kelly who i now know i have caused so much pain to whilst i dragged myself over the coals for no good reason , who has stood by me and supported me in being who i am .
I'm sorry darling , i love you