View Full Version : Yesterday
samantha rogers
06-05-2014, 08:42 AM
I know there are some who are so clearheaded about things and/or hardened by experience that they will have no patience or empathy for this. If so, I hope they will refrain from comment as, just right now I am not so good at handling criticism. Not so good at all.
I am a little unsteady today. I saw my therapist yesterday. She is very good, extremely experienced with gender and TG issues, and I have been seeing her long enough that she now knows me very well. Normally, in the past, I have walked away feeling better each time. Yesterday was different. Yesterday was unsettling.
I have a wife and two kids, 17 and 21, both still at home. I am out to my wife, but no one else. I have been on an alternate form of HRT for nearly four years, but began standard prescription based hormones four months ago. It has always been my plan to remain in the middle for the sake of my family, presenting male as much as needed to preserve the outward appearance of family so as to spare them embarrassment and strain, and trying to cope with my needs by dressing and getting out when I could. I thought I could cope with this. I have always found the strength to endure my own personal pain in order to spare my loved ones. But now I am afraid.
My life has become a little unhinged. I have difficulty concentrating at work. I have trouble focusing on what my family needs from me. Rather than feeling in control, I have felt as though I was being carried by a tide beyond my control, and toward a destination I could not see.
Yesterday, my therapist finally said to me, quite gently, and with care and concern. that she quite clearly believed that I perfectly fit the profile of someone on a path to complete transition.
I realize that is one opinion, and that, ultimately, that decision is up to me. But what struck me yesterday was the realization that I had known this already, in my gut, and had been denying it and putting it off, and pushing it away. I still want to push it away. Rationally, I don't want to transition. I know I cannot imagine everything involved, but what I see scares the daylights out of me. And I know no one will push me into it, and I know I can continue to fight against it. I know all that. I know it is something to delay and postpone until I cannot NOT do it.
And I will.
But it is unsettling and a little scary right now. I confess to crying a lot yesterday.
Is this something others have faced?
rachael.davis
06-05-2014, 08:56 AM
I've been dealing with a GI therapist for about half a year, about two months in she commented that "at this point it would take a lot to convince me that you aren't transgendered", we've been working on a lot of other issues that developed when I hadn't bit the bullet, and admitted that I was transgendered.
Not that it makes it any easier to untangle everything that's happened in your life up to now.
Sara Jessica
06-05-2014, 09:17 AM
Samantha, I have nothing but patience and empathy for what you have written because aside from the therapy thing (I am not currently in therapy), I could have written nearly every word you wrote myself.
This middle path that we are trying to maintain may very well get the best of us. It might prove to be unsustainable. It definitely means that we never realize our fullest potential as women. It might be an alternate form of misery or delusion.
But I still hold out hope. Our commitment to the families we have built coupled with doing the best we are able when it comes to gender expression may somehow prove to be lasting and fulfilling. I wouldn't keep doing it if I haven't experienced a very high degree of fulfillment thus far. It might mean that in the end, love wins out over our inner gender demons. This is the commitment I made last year, to take transition off the table. As a result, I have been overall happier but the lows, though less frequent, have been absolutely crushing, seemingly because I don't have that transition carrot being held out for me. This affects focus as you have described, whether with respect to work, family, obligations, etc.
I wish you the best, not to cope with your situation but to LIVE and LOVE the live you have built. Our SO's and children didn't buy into this whole thing. Responsibility to them comes first for me, largely because I am the sole provider for my family which allows my wife to be there for my children. More importantly, I maintain this path because I love them with all my heart and am CHOOSING not to put them through a transition on my part. Everyone's situation is unique and I believe that our place is a valid one. There are many of us out there in very similar boats.
It may prove to be futile when all is said and done. It doesn't mean we cannot try our best.
GabbiSophia
06-05-2014, 09:22 AM
Samantha I am right there with you. I have been in therapy almost 2 years and on hormones for 1.5 months. I have fought and pushed and tries everything to get away from this. I have not had a break except to move forward toward transition and i still do not except it yet. I am trying i just have so much I want to hold on too but the brain and gd say other things. I feel for you because I am in the boat also.
Kaitlyn Michele
06-05-2014, 09:26 AM
Yes...this is how it often happens.
I had a very similar moment of "realization". Like you I also realized that I knew I all along. I was having trouble at work..the thoughts plagued me more and more...I was already divorced at this time but I had teenage daughters 11 and 14...when I was alone I literally had no ability to function at all except for "dressing"...I was starting to leave my apartment as myself and started doing all my shopping and other stuff "dressed"...when I thought of the future I felt frozen, trapped, terrified..it reduced me to a blubbering mess at times..
In my own case, my therapist never pushed the issue and years later she told me that was because she knew right from the start that I would likely have that moment myself. She just waited on me and held my hand while I was getting there.
So from your own personal standpoint I can understand and I empathize with how much this can impact you and your frame of mind, and of course your family and work.
My own situation was different because the divorce was final before I got to that point. One of the things that scared me the most was obviously my kids but also I was finding more and more that I just couldn't work...I would almost cringe at any human contact and my job was "big" and I was with people all day!!!! I also got very depressed and stopped eating but decided to make that worth it for me and I lost a lot of weight which improved my frame of mind a bit...
At some point, my bell was rung and that was that.
My mind flipped from how to avoid it to how to do it..
I spent a lot of time feeling bad and i'm sorry that this is something you will go through for now. You can get through it.. Don't transition unless you have to is almost always the right answer.. You will be able to take comfort in knowing that you are fighting the fight so to speak, but you'll have to balance that with the fear. I cried a lot too. It came on me randomly and explosively which highlighted how it was eating away at me even when I wasn't conscious of it.
You could make some mental preparations... You've invested your own self image in doing what's right for your family...that's to be applauded but if your bell gets rung, you may find this to be unsustainable and at least for me this was the worse part...I couldn't have felt worse but I had to get through those feelings. If your bell is rung, fighting it will get harder and harder and I know I punished myself during this period in my life...try to avoid that and think logically and pragmatically about things..
WHat you are feeling is real and it seems you already know that the issue cannot be avoided and you are dealing with it.. take comfort in the fact that you are doing your best, and in the end you will do what's right for your family..
however, sometimes what's right is that we transition and you can accept that possibility and emotionally deal with it while you let some time pass and see where all this goes.
Michelle.M
06-05-2014, 09:32 AM
Yesterday, my therapist finally said to me, quite gently, and with care and concern. that she quite clearly believed that I perfectly fit the profile of someone on a path to complete transition.
And this is what has you scared?
Is transition something you want? If not, then this diagnosis is not a mandate for your future. Many trans folks have a relatively low level of gender dysphoria and manage it quite well with occasional dressing and other means by which they can acknowledge their gender issues with little or no disruption to family, job and life.
Others simply deny and suppress, which is actually a very effective way of dealing with gender dysphoria - until it isn't, and then they wrestle with the ramifications of transition.
For me, when I eventually realized that I was trans (or more accurately, when I couldn't deny and suppress it any longer) I did not experience joy or freedom or relief or anything good. I was miserable, because I knew that life as I knew it would never be the same. Once I made peace with that and began a transition plan things got much better and continued to be better the further I got along my transition path, but I felt just like you do now for a while.
You needn't be miserable about this. Just because you fit the profile that doesn't mean that you must transition. That choice is yours. So, ask yourself what it is that you want and then ask your therapist to help you reconcile that.
ClaraKay
06-05-2014, 09:41 AM
Sammie, honey, I think what you are feeling is common at some stage of all late transitioners. We talk about 'gender dysphoria', but do we realize how pernicious it can be. It's not just the anxiety of feeling a mismatch between mind and body, it's also the mismatch between who we are in life and who we wish to be.
Since discovering my TG inclinations, I, too, have become so distracted from other aspects of my life. HRT, crossdressing, shopping, on-line relationships, and TG group activities have gobbled up my time and attention. I get little done otherwise anymore. Fortunately, I'm retired now. If I was still working, I know my efficiency would plummet. Part of it is the euphoria that I feel being closer to the hidden me inside. Part of it is the fascination and excitement of this brand new world. I know that I have to somehow get things under control. I seem to have traded one compulsion for another, and neither is bringing peace and contentment to my life.
Maybe this is just a phase we all have to go through to reach that state of 'clearheadedness' you speak of, if that is really possible. IDK. I'm as interested in reading the comments of others here as you are.
Hugs,
Clara
Jorja
06-05-2014, 12:10 PM
So, you have reached that place where the rubber meets the road. That is a hard place to be especially when a wife and kids are involved. While your therapist is being honest with you, that doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it unless you want/need too. Remember, you are in control. Only you can make the decision whether or not to proceed. Many decide family and current responsibilities are more important to them and they do not proceed and there is nothing wrong with that. I know if I were in that situation I would put off transition as long as possible.
Have you talked to your family about this? They are as much a part of it as you are. I am sure they do not want to see you suffer any more than you would want to see one of them suffer. If you are really finding transition is something you need more than want, it is time to call a family meeting and explain it to them and take it from there.
Just a late added thought. You do know there is life after transition, right?
Angela Campbell
06-05-2014, 12:14 PM
I think it is very common among many of us. I see it all the time. It is the married ones who have the hardest time of it, because they have so much invested in the family. Some have fought it so long the marriage failed before they got to that stage. (Like me) that made it a little easier for me. Not much
when I first went to my therapist I walked in and said"i want to transition but I am afraid to". I was quite scared about it. He asked me one question which helped me. I had told him why I had not transitioned yet, the fear, the not knowing how, ....
He asked me "if the things that frighten you or are otherwise stopping you didn't exist, would you transition? My answer was immediate.
Janelle_C
06-05-2014, 12:22 PM
Samantha my heart cries for you right now. I remember those days, they were the hardest time of my life. I have two kids in their twenties and I've been married for almost 33 years. It took me almost a year to say out loud where I was on that transgender scale. After that first year, and I said out loud where I was. I think I knew it all along but I knew if I said it out loud what was I going to do about it. My therapist referred me to someone with a lot more transgender experience.One of the first questions she asked me was can you be happy where you are. I just start to cry and said I don't know. There is just so much fear about what will I’ll lose who will I’ll lose. I would lay in bed and ask God to take me out of this world that I didn't have the strength to make this decision. I only focused on what and who I would lose, I was very fortunate I did not lose anyone. But the risk to lose everything was there. I too spent whole days crying about it. It’s the hardest decision I think most of us have to make.
I wish the best for you Janelle
KellyJameson
06-05-2014, 01:41 PM
I did not chose transitioning as much as the choice was forced on me.
I did not like that feeling of being powerless over my life and for many years fought transitioning while also submitting to it, but that was from not understanding the nature of what was making me powerless
I lived that middle ground for a number of years where my hair was down to my back and removal one way or the other of body and facial hair.
Just because I knew I was a woman did not mean that I believed I could live as one or even wanted to.
The problem with being yourself is that you than have to live this self among others so I was rejecting myself to avoid the consequences of having to live with this self among others.
I had no illusions that women are second class citizens and within that group many see transsexuals as second class women. I could not articulate it at the time but I felt it.
And this is true but it is also not true because each individual experiences and adapts to their environment differently so what is felt like oppression and sexism to one may not be felt as oppression and sexism to another.
For me part of the internal experience of gender dysphoria felt like "oppression" so I was trying to escape this feeling by avoiding groups that were being oppressed but this very group was the one I actually belonged to.
I usually felt (concerning transitioning) that I was NOT moving toward my salvation as much as my destruction and that this "need to be" must be coming out of a sickness in my mind.
It may cause sickness (and usuallly does from my experience) but it is not a sickness and this was the hard lesson I needed to learn.
I suffered from an absence of courage that extended my pain and my confusion kept me from finding my courage so I stayed in misery.
For me being transsexual was always the feeling of being caught between a rock and a hard place and to escape this existence I had to risk everything but did not have the courage to do so until the pain became so unbearable that the pain forced my hand.
Some people pursue transitioning and they seem to do it joyously and without reservations.
I worry for these people
We become entangled by life with the families we create or the ones we are born into and the communities we live in.
All these relationships are a part of us so when you transition you are risking severing them from yourself so you naturally fear losing them.
Transitioning demands it's pound of flesh and I never discovered a way to avoid paying.
I lived outside my body so did not experience ownership of it but more just a custodian responsible for its maintenance and it was only when I consciously understood and made the first steps to change that the relationship to my body changed and now I live inside it as part of me.
It is experienced as a form of love for self as "the whole self" and you discover a missing strength to honor yourself.
You knew you were suppose to have it because over the years you noticed how those that had this "were comfortable in their own skin" and that gave them a "sureness" in their behavior and you could never figure out why you were not and what this thing was that was missing from you.
You feel the experience of intergrity from no longer living as a contradiction.
I always felt a pressure inside my own mind and this pressure has slowly been released over the last three years and now it is gone completely and has for the last several months and I know it will never come back.
I also know myself now like I never did before because of this intergrity that leaves me inside feeling everything and looking outward intead of outside removed from myself and always watching myself as an actor in a play.
Transitioning usually hurts someone and I cannot imagine it otherwise.
I'm sure many have died trying to avoid hurting others but in their deaths they hurt them anyway.
I have hurt others mainly by disrupting their lives and also because I could not love as that way of loving when you give all of yourself because there was no "all" to give, so I was never fully involved or commited in relationships but just there like a piece of furniture.
Furniture is useful but you cannot have a relationship with it and everyone I touched felt loved but also love starved.
For me transitioning made me a better person because it made me a complete person.
Lisa O
06-05-2014, 02:39 PM
My experience was similar but it was the stress from not having any path to follow and the all-encompassing nature of being trans that drove me to my therapist. My work was suffering (not so that I lost my job - I was still switched on enough to get a new one that paid better before the axe fell!). I fear that transition will impact my current job of over 2 years but all my boss complains about is that I am smiling too much!! He "caught" me leaving early the other day and said "Caught you....smiling". So it does get better - much better. By the way, the conversation with my boss hasn't yet happened but is planned for early July.
My therapist has never overtly said that i was trans. She asks enough questions of me (or gets me to ask them of myself) that are uncomfortable enough that my therapy sessions usually leave me a bit grumpier than when i got there. Give me a few weeks (commonly only a few days) and I usually have it sorted for myself. This week when we were going over my timeline and worked on my insomnia was the most positive I have felt after therapy in over a year.
I am married and have 2 kids at home too - 18 & 19. No divorce planned. My 19 year old son does not like this but he says that is on an emotional level. Intellectually he gets it. Still loves me though and hasn't puled away too much. Daughter and wife are fine. I am going full time in Jan 2015 after FFS and have been on HRT for about 8 months. I seem to have travelled through the middle ground very quickly. I paused there for a bit but it just didn't work for me. HRT results make me too happy and I want more.
The thing that got me was the question from my Psychiatrist (who did diagnose GD) was how do i see myself in 5 years. I answered on the basis of how I wanted to be, not how I thought I could be if I minimised the transition process. I want to be a woman, I could have possibly managed trans but not out. I wonder at what cost.
Samantha, your OP brought me back instantly to where I was in 2010 to early 2012. When I first saw my therapist, I spent an hour after the session crying my eyes out in a parking lot up the street, cried all the way home, and for hours that night. Horrible. I was having mini panic attacks at work, escaping to an empty room a dozen times per day. I would go out to my car in the garage and sit there. I couldn't concentate on anything. I couldn't even start something, never mind concentrate on it. For me, all it was just the opening volley of a major inner offensive. From there it got worse (sorry), to where I was questioning my grip on reality and was physicallly disoriented. I was suicidal.
Many of us have been there. In fact, not only do I not expect you to be treated poorly by any "battle scarred veterans," I would venture that the best responses and advice you are going to get will come from them. There's a different kind of empathy that comes from common experience than comes from analogizing and extending dissimilar experiences.
It took me a long progression of medication, therapy, hormones, and experimentation to unwind the crisis. You really like your therapist, so I think you're good to go. The only advice I would add is to expect your understanding of yourself to change radically. And be aware that that may cause you to question everything in life you hold dearest, not just about yourself, but your relationships, values, principles, ethics, and everything else, too.
ArleneRaquel
06-05-2014, 05:01 PM
Samantha,
Best wishes from me to you in whatever decision that you decide on. You will be in my thoughts & prayers.
samantha rogers
06-05-2014, 05:06 PM
Thanks to all of you. It means a lot to me. Its a better day today. I know there is no rush here, and that is far more clear today. I really do not know how this will play out. But the support here is so appreciated. Thanks. Shoot, now Im crying again. Good tears this time, though. My god, how do people do this alone?
Farrah
06-05-2014, 05:07 PM
I'm not thinking of transitioning, but I can understand your pain. I wish there were more I could do, but for now I'll give you a much needed cyber-hug ((((hugging you))))). Everything going to be ok..:hugs:
MsVal
06-05-2014, 05:12 PM
When my first therapist said I was likely to transition it sounded like my world was coming to an end. I cannot recall ever being more frightened and confused. Those who must transition face challenges greater than I can imagine, greater than I believe I can handle.
I found another therapist who told me that I was probably "just a crossdresser". That makes me feel better, but the little voice in my head keeps asking if I just substituted good feelings for painful truth.
I too have been quite distracted, occasionally moody, and seldom happy. I'm not ready to even consider transitioning, but can't escape the doubt.
Life is a continuous series of compromises. I wish you well as you deal with this one.
Best wishes
MsVal
Kathryn Martin
06-05-2014, 07:06 PM
Yesterday, my therapist finally said to me, quite gently, and with care and concern. that she quite clearly believed that I perfectly fit the profile of someone on a path to complete transition.
Rather than feeling in control, I have felt as though I was being carried by a tide beyond my control, and toward a destination I could not see.
This the most frightening thing to read. You very experienced therapist has removed in one fell swoop all agency from you. She has set you in motion - the tide is already carrying you beyond your control towards a result that you could not see. You have lost all freedom to be the agent of your own biography. In time I see you rationalizing this to be your own purpose, but what she did is terrible. I wish you well, but it saddens me.
Megan G
06-05-2014, 07:39 PM
I see it all the time. It is the married ones who have the hardest time of it, because they have so much invested in the family.
That's where I am right now, I know transitioning is the right answer for me to truly be happy in life and have started that down that road slowly but there are still days I have huge WTF moments and it always revolves around my family. My wife knows and has been incredibly patient and supportive but still I find myself second guessing myself, am I really willing to throw it all away to fix me? Sometimes I feel that I am being incredibly selfish and should keep fighting myself to keep my family whole and happy.
when I first went to my therapist I walked in and said"i want to transition but I am afraid to". I was quite scared about it. He asked me one question which helped me. I had told him why I had not transitioned yet, the fear, the not knowing how, ....
He asked me "if the things that frighten you or are otherwise stopping you didn't exist, would you transition? My answer was immediate.
My therapist asked the same question to me. She asked what was holding me back and then slowly removed all those doubts and fears. In the end the answer was clear... transition
Megan
Suzanne F
06-05-2014, 07:50 PM
Samantha
I shared very recently about my trip to the therapist with my wife. I too am trying to keep my family in tact. I just want you to know that you are not alone. We will just have to keep on trying to take care of our families and ourselves. I don't have any answers either. My therapist believes that I will transition. I just know I can deal with it today. I am sitting on Filmore St waking for my 2 girlfriends from here. We are going to see a film about transgender issues tonight. I can breathe for the moment as I sit here as the woman I am. Of course I will go home later and have to return to Brent.
Suzanne
kimdl93
06-05-2014, 08:33 PM
Well, you may indeed fit the profile. You're experiencing emotional distress on top of it. And you have been making rather concrete changes to your body and life. I have a sense of how you feel, except for the distress part.
I wish I had a pat answer, but I don't. Best I can offer is to take slow, but meaningful steps in the direction you want to go.
samantha rogers
06-05-2014, 08:42 PM
I fear you missed the point of what I was saying Kathryn. Most likely my own fault for not being clear in my writing. :doh:
My therapist imposed nothing on me. Rather she had been gently listening as I spoke about my feelings, including the feeling of being carried by a tide. I pointedly asked her if she felt that it meant what I feared it did.
In phrasing I used before I should have made that clear. Sorry. I can see it would be misleading. But no, if anything she seemed to confirm my suspicions only with regret that I had asked her to.
But beyond that I guess I should point out that I do know the difference between a feeling and an action. What I share here and share with my therapist is to do with my emotions and feelings, and is not always rational. But neither is it the basis of my choices in what actions I do take. It is rather exactly that, a sharing of emotion. I have learned, painfully, that not acknowledging my emotions and not allowing myself to live through them and thus take ownership of them, is a sure path to disaster.
That way madness lies.
Instead, I try very hard, against years of built up habit, to allow myself to feel what I am feeling, good and bad, to allow myself to own those feelings, and then to take from them what I can and combine it with what my more rational intellect tells me.
For me, this is how I am trying to learn to be authentic.
To experience all of it, the good and the bad, and to then filter it all before making my decisions. I have tried other ways and they did not work for me.
Now I try to listen to my body and my heart as well as my brain. I figure one of them will know the right way to go.:heehee:
Sorry if I misled you. It was unintentional. But thanks for taking the time to care.
The value of a forum such as this, to me, is access to a safe environment where I, or any of us, can safely vent those emotions, free of judgement or the advice of those who might want to quickly "fix" things for me.
Frankly, for all, or most of the advice I receive here, very little tangible news comes to me. Much of it, when it is accurate, my rational side already knows.
What I value, though, beyond measure, is the warmth of those who reach out to support me as I work through the emotional ups and downs. I learned a long time ago from my wife and other women that I have known, and from caring for my own children, that when someone is in pain, they dont want the problem "fixed".
Rather, they just to be heard.
What they need is not rational answers, and solutions...not at first.
What they need is someone to listen to them and hold them and comfort them and love them. Given those things, most of us, I think, find the answers in ourselves. But when it is very very dark, it helps to have someones hand to hold.
I try to offer that hand to others whenever I can, and I am always so very grateful when it is returned to me when I am in need.
PaulaQ
06-05-2014, 11:16 PM
The middle path reminds me of something from AA - "half measures availed us nothing."
Sammie, you have a medical condition. It's treatable, and the course and degree of that treatment is largely determined by your feelings and symptoms of this condition. If you'd gotten cancer, your wife wouldn't have signed up for that either - but I bet you wouldn't think twice about seeking treatment for it. Yeah, the social ramifications of transition make this really hard on a spouse, less so on kids, but it's still no cakewalk for them, either. (And sometimes you lose 'em all.)
It's not selfish to take care of yourself Sammie. It just isn't. It's selfish of others to ask you NOT to do so.
KaceyR
06-06-2014, 12:57 AM
Wow Sammie. I've kind of been tied up in my own issues with a GD train of thought and other things recently and didn't see this thread. I can't really do much here but offer support in whatever path you go. Due to my solo life and you with your therapy and Hormone work and family already I can't compare much. (Just since I'm solo I've a lot more time to think which is dangerous :)) especially as mine is also complicated with other non-gender stuff and depressions. Spent 13 hours practically writing a book on my life and my issues to a friend over the weekend and Tuesday..with all the write ups I've done over the months (it's kind of how I work things thru a bit-I distract easily when talking so it's best writing) technically I could probably go to a therapist and plop the novel down and say 'well, this is about everything about myself' :)
I already know a lot is beyond my control (finances,etc are even stopping me from really finding a therapist as well as the logical side of it and insurances) and that's stressed me out. I've ran thru a lot of the things very quickly compared to some in figuring how far down the rabbit hole I go involving gender, my CDing, and such.. Generally due to lack of negative outside influences Which has been great. But at a point where I need to continue (go to therapy,etc) yet having to pause is kind of like a train getting up to speed and having to brake and all the inertia-laden cars slamming into me from behind.
About all we can do is go on... But you do have some tools and planning, and what sounds like a good therapist to work with, as well as support from the 'boarders' here and I.
Take care, -Kacey
sandra-leigh
06-06-2014, 03:00 AM
My therapist has never given me a diagnosis other than confirming "gender dysphoria" for a government application that I had already written the same words on.
My therapist has never assumed that I will Transition-with-a-capital-T : I still surprise her sometimes with my saying that I want to go ahead with something. And that's mostly because of lack of clarity on my part about not wanting to do something versus wanting to do it but not being sure I am prepared to pay the cost.
My therapist has, from the beginning, said to discard the labels and instead think about how you want to live.
Do not worry about fitting your situation to what life's Starbucks has a menu entry for: figure out the ingredients you want and put them together yourself.
What you want is likely to be a moving target. If you do not go from kicking and screaming to get away, to suddenly all the way to "Give me The Works", then chances are you will go through a lot of "Going beyond <X> is inconceivable", only to find as you get close to <X> that <X> has begun to feel comfortable and the horizon of conceivability has moved forward; and in time you want to get closer to the new horizon.
What do you want. What price are you willing to pay if necessary. Do you know that you will have to pay that, or do you fear that you will have to pay that. Is your fear of the potential cost strong enough that you are not willing to take a step closer.
For example, people have written about how painful electrolysis is. I feared it might be that painful for me. My second electrolysis appointment was Not Fun (TM). But it also wasn't more than I could bear. I know some people find it excruciating even with numbing medication, but I took the risk and tried to see what my experience would be. I have turned out not to need numbing medication. Regardless of what happened to some other people in similar situations, I checked out what would happen to me. And it hasn't been nearly as bad as it could be.
Kathryn Martin
06-06-2014, 05:30 AM
What they need is someone to listen to them and hold them and comfort them and love them. Given those things, most of us, I think, find the answers in ourselves. But when it is very very dark, it helps to have someones hand to hold.
Dear Samantha,
Just to be clear about something. I am a fully transitioned woman with a transsexual medical history. I have walked the entire path, at the beginning of which you now find yourself. I have come through this with my family intact (except for my father). I am fully integrated in my social environment. So I know what this path looks like and I know what it takes to not only get from where you are now to where I am now but also what it means to be a woman (not a transsexual) in the world that we live in.
I will recommend to you a book to read. Most here, will scream murder when they hear the title and author because it is considered one of the most devastating critiques of transsexualism in our society. It is called "The Transsexual Empire" and it was written by Janice Raymond, who was, at the time, a medical ethics professor at the University of Massachusetts. It is a difficult read, because it is very critical of the medical and psychological machinery that has developed around transsexualism and transgenderism since the 1970.
The reason why I recommend reading it is her understanding from a medical ethical point of view that will open your eyes to things that are important to know before you set out on this path.
Seeking love and understanding on an internet board on which the majority of people are anonymous posters with fake names? Do you have people in your real life that can give you this kind of sustenance?
Finally, I would ask you to re-read your last comment. It is very patronizing...
Kathryn
samantha rogers
06-06-2014, 06:29 AM
Kathryn – Thanks so much for all your help. It means so much I am sure, to so many here to have older veterans with your experience here to offer wisdom and support to others still trying to find their own way. I will certainly take your advice and look up The Transexual Empire. Thanks!
As far as seeking love and understanding, why of course I have people in “real life” for that, but the difficulty is that none within my own personal circle in transgendered. None are capable of fully understanding what I am feeling and going through in any more than a theoretical sense. And for some I have met during the last four years here and on another board I frequent, there is no one at home period. Behind every anonymous poster and fake name there is an actual person. Many are scared to death, in very early stages of coming to terms with what life has laid upon them, and unsure to whom to turn. I have had experience being on that end, and many with whom I became acquainted through internet boards have helped me. I have become good friends in real life with numerous girls I first became aware of through online boards. I spoke to one by phone last night. I regularly correspond with many others. These are real people, for the most part, in real situations.
So I am not certain how to interpret your comment. Are you meaning to say the girls on this site are somehow inadequate as people because they are here? I don't follow you. I'm sorry. It's early and I have not had my coffee yet.
I have made friends here that I do value and trust, and unlike those in my life “in real life” they do “get” what I am going through, as I “get” what they are going through.
If that is not the reason most of us come here, then I do not know what is.
And as to my last remark being patronizing, I certainly did not intend it as such. I have little experience with that kind of thing. But I will defer to you since you seem to know more about it that me.
Thanks so much for your kind words
Sammie
Michelle.M
06-06-2014, 08:02 AM
I will recommend to you a book to read. Most here, will scream murder when they hear the title and author because it is considered one of the most devastating critiques of transsexualism in our society. It is called "The Transsexual Empire" and it was written by Janice Raymond, who was, at the time, a medical ethics professor at the University of Massachusetts. It is a difficult read, because it is very critical of the medical and psychological machinery that has developed around transsexualism and transgenderism since the 1970.
Kathryn, I fear you’ve now gone off the rails entirely. Not screaming murder, but I would recommend Janice Raymond’s book so one can understand the deep prejudice and irrational hatred for the trans community (in this case, trans women specifically) that exists in society.
Despite her background as a medical ethics professor at U Mass this book was written not to critically examine the medical and social ramifications of gender affirming surgery (which Raymond describes as unnatural mutilation) but rather to shore up her radical feminist agenda that regards all trans women as she males and regards transgenderism as a patriarchal attack on women.
Sure, it’s a great read - from a historical perspective. Unless she's wrestling with internalized transphobia and is looking for something that will keep that disease alive within her I can’t see how this would be helpful to Samantha nor to anyone else struggling with gender issues.
Here’s the Wikipedia summary -
“Raymond investigates the role of transsexualism in society – particularly psychological and surgical approaches to it – and argues that transsexualism reinforces traditional gender stereotypes. Raymond also writes about the ways in which the medical-psychiatric complex is medicalizing gender identity and the social and political context that has helped spawn transsexual treatment and surgery as normal and therapeutic medicine.
Raymond maintains that transsexualism is based on the "patriarchal myths" of "male mothering," and "making of woman according to man's image." She claims this is done in order "to colonize feminist identification, culture, politics and sexuality," adding: "All transsexuals rape women's bodies by reducing the real female form to an artifact, appropriating this body for themselves .... Transsexuals merely cut off the most obvious means of invading women, so that they seem non-invasive."
At worst we are medical criminals in Raymond's view and at best she reduces gender transition to a mere choice, and a bad one at that.
PretzelGirl
06-06-2014, 08:03 AM
Sammie, I have no great advice. What you are going through is very tough and it is different for each of us. Just remember the first thing in relationships is that you have to take care of yourself. Without that, you cannot take care of others. Take as much time as you can manage as you can see the importance. In the end, you will do the right thing. Have faith that it is the truth and you will be able to move forward in life with confidence and caring for those around you. Okay, I guess that is advice.
Frances
06-06-2014, 08:29 AM
Good lord Kathryn, are you trying to invoke evil?
Annaliese
06-06-2014, 08:36 AM
Oh girl, I am with you on this, I am in the process now to find a therapist, have contact one, just have to make the appointment. Your fears are the fears of a lot of us here. Know we are here for you as we know you will be here for us, Hugs and best wish.
samantha rogers
06-06-2014, 08:53 AM
My most humble thanks to all of you who took the time to reply and offer your wisdom, encouragement and support. You cannot (well, perhaps you can) know how much it means to me. I have read and tried to learn from all of your kind suggestions and advice.
This is a lonely road to walk alone, since full understanding is really not possible from those we have surrounding us in our regular lives. The understanding we have access to on a board such as this is so immensely helpful. I am old enough to remember the days when we all huddled in dark places, feeling totally alone and frightened, and I am constantly delighted by how the internet has enabled so many to find some measure of relief from that despair.
The other day has now receded from my immediate concern, and been relegated to recognition simply as one more step in a long journey.
I realize there are many choices ahead of me and many of those will be painful. I do not yet know how this will all turn out. Life always seems to be a balancing act between doing what we are able to love and care for those around us and doing what we must to sustain ourselves. It is a constant series of challenges. But, funnily enough, though they are sometimes painful, I don't mind problems. If you will forgive my waxing philosophical for a moment, i learned a long time ago something I find most helpful. There are many people who spend all their time trying to solve all their problems so they can then relax and be happy. But they never succeed, because life constantly adds new problems. Rather, I try to find my satisfaction in the process of solving problems. As a result, life constantly gives me new sources of possible happiness.
I guess, this whole business is, as painful as it sometimes can be, an opportunity. It isn't the destination. It is the journey.
It is really good to have friends with whom to share the trip.
Thanks to you all, and much love.
Sammie
My goodness, the lovely flower field seems to have a few land mines!
First, Kathryn's comment on The Transsexual Empire. Rather than respond here, I suggest, Kathryn, that you start a separate thread on the book to avoid taking this thread off-course. I'm pretty sure I know a couple of the themes you would like to develop, but I'd like you to expand on them.
Samantha, while forums like this can be a sounding board and a resource, real support comes best from carefully chosen friends and advisors in real life. Sometimes they can be found here. I will tell you that it pays to take time and be careful. I posted and corresponded privately for a LONG time before identifying myself to anyone here. Simple posts and correspondence are not enough to give support with depth and perspective. Think how long a transcription of a therapy session would be, and how many would be required to work through even a single, smaller issue? Or how hard it can be to even find one with whom you can work? Support is more than concepts and debate. You may find over time that despite the apparent outpouring of support here that you will find yourself starved for something real. That's the point at which many finally reduce their activity here in favor of taking their issues into the real world. Some, of course, try to live through places like this and through others and never move on.
Kathryn Martin
06-06-2014, 10:50 AM
I am not going to engage in a debate about the book here, and I may actually take the opportunity to address the issues with the book in a separate thread. Suffice it to say for the purposes of this thread, that the book is significant critique of the medical - psychological system with respect to transsexuals. It is important not because I necessarily prescribe to her views, but because those views have informed much of policy making around transgenderism and transsexualism since the 1970. You would be surprised. But that pre-supposes reading the book instead of a Wikipedia entry.
I recommended the book because of the initial post which I found frightening. While Samantha has tried to rationalize in follow up comments how this was her thought process, the initial post is clear on one point: "My life has become a little unhinged. I have difficulty concentrating at work. I have trouble focusing on what my family needs from me. Rather than feeling in control, I have felt as though I was being carried by a tide beyond my control, and toward a destination I could not see.
Yesterday, my therapist finally said to me, quite gently, and with care and concern. that she quite clearly believed that I perfectly fit the profile of someone on a path to complete transition."
Apparently no one sees that it removes agency. Samantha is now profiled as a transitioner. But ask yourself on what basis? Some gender construct? What "profile" exists that suggests that people should transition? It is incredibly inconvenient to think about these things, because invariably they lead to some very tough questions. And believe me, those questions must be asked before transition rather than after transition. And how did this therapist help Samantha to come to terms with what she had previously decided was her course?
PaulaQ
06-06-2014, 11:05 AM
@Kathryn - perhaps if you talked with, rather than at, Sammie, you'd know the answers to your questions about why her therapist said what she said. And no, I completely disagree with you that it removed agency from her, but I can see how, based on the information at hand, that you'd draw this conclusion. I'd still disagree with your conclusion even if it had gone down the way in which you apparently imagine it did - but we have a fundamental philosophical difference on these matters, so I expect we would naturally disagree.
Kathryn, you have a point – a good one – but you take it too far. I'll take at face value Samantha's statement that her characterization of her state of mind precedes the therapist's comment. Given that, the notion of a loss of agency has some merit. It is Samantha, however, who has removed it, not the therapist. (Forgive me for talking about you as if you were not here, Samantha.)
Why then too far? Because the psychological state that she is describing is a common one. I experienced it. I know that others have. In my case, it took some doing to get away from victimhood (as I see it) and accept the reality that I had choices to make as well as the responsibility for them. I know that some people try their best to avoid just that. It's as if fate, inevitability, and lack of agency is the ultimate justification. Well, as you know, agency and inevitability are not mutually exclusive!
If anything, I think Samantha's response to the therapist probably lends some weight to your thoughts. After all, she was a bit frightened by it. It could well be that there is either an insufficient basis for the comment or that Samantha herself is not there. Either way, your closing questions are those that should be asked.
I'm not in a position to address whether there is a profile (or profiles) that identifies likely transitioners. As I've said elsewhere, trying to finger even my own transition need takes me far too deep down the rabbit hole. Oh, I can point to the common stuff many of us share. But transition itself seems to drive from something quite a bit deeper.
samantha rogers
06-06-2014, 12:24 PM
My, but how my simple little sharing initially seems to have opened quite the discussion. It was not my intent to do so, but regardless, before we continue I suppose I should answer some of the questions raised and thus remove the need for conjecture and third hand presumption.
In response to the comments about internet boards and their usefulness, Leah, I might point out that despite appearances, I am not nearly as silly and vapid as I may sometimes appear. I know from past experience that text communication is rife with the possibility of misunderstanding and bruised feelings. As my late brother once observed in the days before such communication became available, a phone call is so much better than a letter, but neither competes with a face to face meeting. Text messages of this sort are indeed a minefield of possible miscommunication and widely the cause of misunderstanding and bruised egos. Rather than run the risk of such accidental offense, I try to err on the side of politeness and manners. I know some prefer a brutally honest approach, but this has always seemed to me a sign of intellectual laziness, since it takes a lot more effort to carefully consider feelings. I favor such responses, when they are needed, be employed only in private communication by email or phone, or, in a best case scenario, in person.
And as to using the boards themselves, I am not foolish enough to take every communication I receive by way of these forums as gospel and at face value. Of course, not. LOL Rather, I find them a useful way to provoke thoughts I might not have had myself, and then throw these into the hopper of my own thinking along with everything else to add new flavors. In the end, all my decisions are carefully thought out. I am not, by nature, an impetuous creature, but rather an overly cerebral one.
As I believe I already mentioned, the statements or rather, indications made by the therapist came in response to questions from me. Her response did frighten me on an emotional level (a distinction I also tried to clarify before) but only because it confirmed in my mind that the pattern of feelings I was experiencing was in line with the feelings of those who had gone down this road before. And that is somewhat scary. Like knowing a road you are on has had many accidents in the past. But, again, knowing that is only important (in terms of this thread) insofar as the affect it had on my emotions. In the long run, that makes no difference in how my actions will be decided, since emotions, as I said before, are only one portion of the process, but one I do not like to ignore.
My decisions, as I reach them, will be based on far more than emotion, as I would hope would be the case with any sane person. My reference to being carried along on a tide, was perhaps less about being a victim and subject to outside forces than a simple admission of my current inability to process everything to the point that I can make a rational decision. This whole thing can be, at times, quite overwhelming, as I am sure everyone knows. In lieu of that required clarity, I will not take any action. The mentality of a victim has never been one that stayed with me for any more than a brief moment, nor have ramifications of that mentality ever affected my ultimate choices.
I do respect and value the opinions of those who have gone before me, I really do. And I listen and process that information along with everything else. But no one should mistake my emotional ramblings for a sign of lack of depth or foresight.
Kathryn - after the initial emotional reaction my only takeaway from the therapist was one of simple confirmation of what I had already perceived but not wished to confront. The value in that was in forcing me to initiate that confrontation, and nothing more. Beyond that it had no meaning at all.
And, no, no one has removed agency, not my therapist nor myself.
Paula is quite right. I am still the one in control of my path and make no mistake in thinking I believe otherwise. My initial emotions only served to awaken in me the understanding that it is time and perhaps past time, to begin to process all of the conflicting and difficult decisions before me.
Oh, and Leah, I seem unable to write this in such a way as to accurately convey the actual conversation. In defense of my therapist, the use of the word profile was mine not hers. Rather she simply affirmed that many girls had preceded me in her office with the same or a very similar manner of describing their feeling as had I done, and that the majority had gone on to complete transition. And that term also needs a distinction I would like to clarify. I have been in one form or another of "transition" for four years already. It was a carefully considered course plotted to try and deal with my gender and identity issues and dysphoria. I have no regrets about actions I have taken so far. For the most part what has occurred so far has been very helpful to me. My concerns are about future conrete actions I may or may not take and the ramifications for myself and my family. I do not make these decisions quickly or rashly.
So, relax, girls. Though I may seem an emotional wreck at times, I am not one to take things lightly nor make decisions of this magnitude on whim, nor be easily swayed in my opinions and actions by others regardless of whether they be trained therapists or internet trolls or anyone in between. Believe it or not, I am a big girl, and I will be okay in the end. I have never doubted that. Sometimes I simply need to vent or bat things around with people who know what this feels like.:battingeyelashes:
No hard feelings on this end.
Sammie
Sammie, just let me say that you have my best wishes for the future and I will remember you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs Bria
Barbara Ella
06-06-2014, 01:34 PM
Samantha, I can so relate. I have the same worries, and a similar situation. differences are that my two children are grown, and I am retired. I have been on HRT for 19 months now. Only wife knows, and she is deathly afraid of anyone finding out. I cannot transition without losing everything, that has been made clear to me. I do not get to go out in town with one or two limited exceptions that I cannot stomach any more...going to local gay bars and drinkng...not my idea of a nice time out. i cry a lot because i know i need to transition yet cannot. i wait expectantly for my Drs appointment in Chicago, so I can leave town and dress for the visit, and a nice lunch out. I cannot hide my breasts anymore, and do not attempt to. i imagine secretly wanting to be questioned, and exposed, so the secret will be out, and I cannot be blamed. It has become close to all consuming of all my thoughts, and am fortunate i do not have a job to worry about, for I could not perform. At my age I am fortunate I do not have a long life ahead of me to consume my thoughts with plans, it would drive me crazy to have a future. I guess all i can do is face each day as it comes, hope for the best, and continue to keep as many people happy without totally losing myself. Be brave.
Barbara
Jessicajane
06-06-2014, 01:43 PM
Samantha, of course I wish you all the best with your way forward etc, and whilst I have not experienced the depth of drive to transition you have, I just have a question....if you are on hormones already could it not be that they are impacting your inner thoughts and that by backing of them it might lessen the chance of having to make the hardest decisions you refer to.
Michelle.M
06-06-2014, 02:55 PM
I am not going to engage in a debate about the book here . . . But that pre-supposes reading the book instead of a Wikipedia entry.
Ow. Help. Get me to the burn unit!
Kathryn, you're an intelligent woman. Why do you insist on projecting your own experiences onto those of other trans women? Just because something may be true for you that doesn't mean it applies to everyone. Or even anyone.
Can we intelligently agree to disagree without you making wacky assumptions? Or must I scan and upload the book before I can address the topic? I've got it right here.
ReineD
06-06-2014, 03:39 PM
What I value, though, beyond measure, is the warmth of those who reach out to support me as I work through the emotional ups and downs. I learned a long time ago from my wife and other women that I have known, and from caring for my own children, that when someone is in pain, they dont want the problem "fixed".
Rather, they just to be heard.
What they need is not rational answers, and solutions...not at first.
What they need is someone to listen to them and hold them and comfort them and love them.
It's true that young children want consolation when they get hurt. But if it is an emotional issue that recurs (i.e. being bullied or a fallout with a friend), they also need to learn skills to overcome the issue.
I choose my friends based largely on their ability to be honest with me. People can be honest while also being kind. My life is complicated and at times I am so enmeshed in my issues that it is difficult to take a step back and look at things objectively. I treasure my friends for their willingness to listen, and I also value their opinions, especially those who have gone through what I'm going through now, even if it goes against the grain. An opinion does not "fix" my problems, it provides a different perspective that I perhaps had not previously considered.
One of my goals in life is to surmount the difficulties that plague me and to grow as the result. I cannot do this by surrounding myself with people who will not challenge the way I think. I'm saying all of this because I get the impression that you think those who challenge you, are not offering support.
As to the quandary mentioned in your first post, I wish you and your family all the best while you work through it. I'm not qualified to offer any other opinion, other than an observation that you've had a lot of exciting firsts this year and I understand why you are questioning your future.
... Why do you insist on projecting your own experiences onto those of other trans women? ...
I don't think this has anything to do with projecting. Rather, it goes to the medicalization point. I get that point, I really do, and Sammie's description of the session is a prime example. Transsexuality (and therefore any need to transition), is not a function of pathology, however defined by the DSM or elsewhere, and is most definitely not a foregone conclusion based on what passes for dysphoria, however bundled, packaged, or profiled. So I get it.
But that doesn't change the fact that dysphoria and distress exist and that they often (but by no means always) manifest in familiar ways in transsexuals. Given a therapeutic relationship of any reasonable length with an experienced therapist, I still have no problem with the therapist's comment.
sandra-leigh
06-06-2014, 05:30 PM
Seeking love and understanding on an internet board on which the majority of people are anonymous posters with fake names? Do you have people in your real life that can give you this kind of sustenance?
Speaking for my own experience in this matter: No, I don't.
I see my gender therapist once a month. About twice a month my sister (950 miles away) and I exchange stories about how bad our respective depressions are. About twice a year, I talk to a good friend (1050 miles away).
That's my "real life" transition support network. I am transitioning anyhow. It isn't easy, but the transition is for me, so I get through somehow.
I don't go around deliberately seeking love and understanding on electronic systems, but sometimes I get it anyhow. For example some of the smart, weird and wacky people I started hanging around with online for amusement turn out to have significant parallels to some of the things I am going through, and we end up helping each other through life.
Kathryn Martin
06-07-2014, 06:38 AM
But that doesn't change the fact that dysphoria and distress exist and that they often (but by no means always) manifest in familiar ways in transsexuals. Given a therapeutic relationship of any reasonable length with an experienced therapist, I still have no problem with the therapist's comment.
The question though is what it is that the therapist developed in all of the sessions. What was or is the purpose of this therapy that leads to the suggestion that someone bears the characteristics of a transitioner? And what is being healed in the "healing" session? And why did Samantha go to see a therapist in the first place?
We don't often ask these kind of questions. What I see instead here is the suggestions to go see an "experienced" therapist to "sort out your life (or problems or issues)". Gender dysphoria and it's distress is what the many seek to alleviate, to heal from. The intention is to "fix" the dysphoria based on a very narrow definition of health that sees health as "relief from distress" without questioning the much broader question what health for a transsexual actually is. In this sense, therapists treat symptoms of a life crisis. There was a reason why the original function of a mental health professional was seen as eliminating co-morbidity issues, rather than treating transsexualism in itself.
Gender dysphoria if you attempt to analyze and deconstruct it is inextricably bound to a role understanding of the social construct of gender. So diagnostically the distress is measured against "normality" of gender roles in an oppressive social construct. Ask any woman about how this construct oppresses, limits and and hurts them. Therapeutically, gender therapists ease a desire to change one expectation to another of gender roles into an acceptance of the roles to remove the distress. They don't heal anything at the end of the day. You got "fixed". I think it is important to recognize that.
Sandra-Leigh, there is no greater gift than having friends in our every day life to accompany us on the journey of transition. The gratitude I feel to those around me who undertook this journey with me knows no bounds. Honesty and love from a friend can only be treasured.
Rachel Smith
06-07-2014, 09:31 PM
It definitely means that we never realize our fullest potential as women.
Sara to me it was about reaching my fullest potential period.
Samantha I am sure most of us here have been where you are now, at least I was. All I can say is take your time and make the right decision for YOU. I evaluated each step I took. Each one made me feel better, more settled, like it was just right somehow. That is how the tide effected me and swept away I was but it just felt so right I couldn't stop nor did I want to. Now after about 1 and 1/2 years on HRT I wouldn't change a thing. It wasn't easy and it was scary but I think I am a much better and nicer person for it.
Take your time
Rachel
sandra-leigh
06-07-2014, 10:45 PM
Gender dysphoria if you attempt to analyze and deconstruct it is inextricably bound to a role understanding of the social construct of gender.
However, you then over-extend that statement as if that were the only tie to understanding gender dysphoria.
Raising children without the pressure of the traditional gender roles has been attempted. In some children it works. In other cases, the child gravitates to the stereotypical roles anyhow, even when the parents try to persuade them back to more neutral roles.
The brain structure studies give a clue: in the majority of self-identified pre-HRT transwomen tested, some of their key brain structures are in the female typical form rather than in the male typical form. Not "developed into the female form as a result of being socialized in the female role".
There is, in other words, in at least some people, biological influences on experienced gender. And that messes up the rest of your statements.
So diagnostically the distress is measured against "normality" of gender roles in an oppressive social construct.
Mine wasn't. My therapists and doctors listened to my distress of living as I was. They didn't ask about how I was filling the role of a male, and they did not make any measurement of me against the female role. What they did ask was more or less, "What would feel better for you? What do you want to do about this?" They never said I was transgender or transsexual: they left it for me to decide. Did I feel distressed? About my gender? "Yes" meant gender dysphoria.
"Treatment" was easing my fears about my sanity; answering my "How can I be female when I feel <X>" questions with "There's a lot of variety in women, and some women feel that too"; telling me to experiment and see how I felt; assuring me that I wasn't being unreasonable in my reactions to my various difficulties.
One way of looking at it would be that my gender therapist effectively helped me strip away my excuses. She didn't tell me which way to jump: she would have been happy any direction I chose to go, provided that I was content (not distressed) about my choice. Her job was not to measure me against any role: her job was to get me to the point where I was no longer distressed, where-ever that ended up being.
becky77
06-08-2014, 04:40 AM
Do you ever think the internet is impossiby hard to get your meaning across, without people reading into everything you say? I've read this thread and so many different angles and views and misconceptions.
For me therapy stopped me hating myself, thinking being transgendered is something wrong and it helped strip away my delusions. In a nutshell it made me feel better about myself and see things for what they are, the rest was upto me but it was like being cleansed of the baggage and traps I had set myself. I was then free mentally to make my own choices, the ony barrier in my way after that was just fear. But boy is fear a biggy!
However I haven't got children, so for me the answers are way easier, I have a friend with a young family and it is tearing her apart inside but obviously she wants to do what is right for her children. I think that's a complex subject and with no children of my own, I don't feel qualified to talk about it.
Back onto therapy, what each of us gets from it is different and our situations are different and I have learned our levels of Dysphoria or Transexualism are different.
I have seen people that have it so strong they want change at a young age and nothing will get in their way, most of us have it somewhere in between that we keep it locked up for many years until it gets too strong, then we need to do something about it. Others have it enough that it is a constant plague on their feelings but not enough to potentially ruin their life over and they actually don't want to go fulltime, but that doesn't mean they are not struggling with the feelings. Transition isn't the answer for everyone and for those people, the continued therapy is how they cope with it, I feel what Samantha is saying is that
she has found her answer within herself through the aid of her therapist but it is not the path she wants to take (I mean who does?) her family comes first and that is admirable, so she is now aware the internal fight has just got a lot harder and probably just wants a little sympathy.
That was my take on it, but then I'm terrable at misreading things too lol. And I have to reign myself in constantly (I often fail) because I'm guilty of answering threads from my own perspective, rather than seeing it through the eyes of the OP.
Anyway Samantha best of luck, sorry things are more difficult for you now, but you seem pretty positive and i'm sure you will find your way.
For the record I haven't really got anyone to discuss these things with either, I have but not people that understand as they are not going through it. I come here and get help, I have learned a lot about this through peoples experiences, but more so the different way people look at something and it helps me but not all anwers are applicable.
You may find that the answers from those that have gone the whole nine yards are not for you because thats not your destiny, but for me they hold a lot of weight even if I haven't agreed with them at the time.
I'm learning to ignore those that are not the same as me as their view point is utter rubbish to what I need, but that same person could be enlightening to someone else and what's a load of rubbish to me is valuable information to another and visa versa.
samantha rogers
06-08-2014, 07:55 AM
Becky, thanks! You more clearly followed my intent than anyone. And the comment about internet misunderstanding is spot on. Thanks!
And now, I really think this thread has way outlived its usefullness, lol.
Lets move on to something more interesting than an overly intellectual parsing of "Samantha's bad afternoon rant", shall we?:heehee:
Thanks to all who replied, both here and by PM.:battingeyelashes:
Rianna Humble
06-08-2014, 03:24 PM
Thread closed at OP request
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