My Femme Week, Weight, and Anxiety

[Michelle789]

Femme Week

I lived full-time as a woman for 9.5 days, from the night of May 23 until June 1. It was a very lovely week, and I really enjoyed being myself for a whole 9.5 consecutive days. I went to church (twice), a Memorial Day picnic, celebrated my birthday, saw my therapist dressed as my authentic self for the first time, ate Thai food and Indian food with friends, went to a support group in Torrance, saw a TG Play called "Lovely Bouquet of Flowers", went to a meditation garden, experienced a scary scene with a female neighbor who sexually harassed me, nearly watched a friend get into a fight with an angry man over a parking spot, and drove the 101, 405, 5, 14, and 110 freeways. I drove to Newhall to pay rent. I grocery shopped, clothes shopped, and ran errands. I experienced a disappointment with a couple of people I thought were my friends who were catfighting.

It was a really great week. I had experienced some anxiety when out, mostly fear over being sir'ed or sexually assaulted.

Sexually Harassed by a Toxic Female Neighbor

Wait I got sexually harassed, by a girl lol (on Thursday, May 29, 2014 at 2:30 am). This girl is a toxic energy girl who knows me as a guy, and I think she clocked me walking out of my car, since she knows it was my car and my parking spot. But otherwise, it was a great week. It had ups and downs like any real life week, but I still was happy to be living as my authentic self.

Back to Work, as a, ugh, guy

I dreaded going back to work on Monday, June 2, dressed as a guy. I had difficulty sleeping on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday night. I have been feeling lots of anxiety all week, to the point of where my body has been shaking. I thought the shaking might be partially sleep deprivation driven, but I slept a full 8.5 hours last night, and guess what I still felt the anxiety and shaking all day today. I'm currently dressed as myself and feel way better now. I'm able to get work done, but I'm freakin' feel like I want to jump out of my body all week.

Like I said before I had some stressful moments during femme week, including two scary incidents, a betrayal, and sitting in L.A. traffic, yay!!! So I feel like my feelings are more gender related than anything else.

My Sudden Weight Loss

I lost 50 pounds between the last two years. Between January and May, I gained 5 pounds. I ate more sweets than I normally eat. I was also fighting myself extensively during these 5 months, and was stressing out over male privilege. I posted a lot on this issue, even to the point of getting a few people angry here. I realized I was fighting myself the whole time, and using male privilege as a designated issue to fight myself. Actually I think male privilege is connected to fighting myself.

I finally stopped fighting myself (for the most part) on the night of May 17. I lost one pound almost instantaneously.

I lost 3 pounds over the week that I was living fully en femme. This is considering that I ate two birthday cakes, a couple of candy bars, a diet coke every day, French toast, gigantic fudge brownie at Norms at midnight, and In N Out burger on Friday at 11pm. You know how usually people splurge over holidays and gain 3 pounds, right? In spite of splurging last week, I lost 3 pounds.

So I switched from candy binges to normal holiday splurging, and I lost 3 pounds. Go figure. I'd say I increased sugar consumption slightly, and decreased caffeine consumption slightly, over femme week from my normal consumption.

It has me wondering if being my authentic self actually affected my metabolism.


No Longer Fighting Myself

I for the most part am not fighting myself, although I still have some sort of battle in my head, but not as deeply as before. I think I'm more concerned as to how I'm going to fit into girl world, and into the world in general.

I think I still haven't fully let go of my male persona, albeit a weak one, yet. But I think I'm more accepting of myself than I was a few weeks ago, and am getting really stressed by having to live as a guy.

Discussion Questions
Anyways, I just wanted to share what's going on in my life. Also, has anyone experienced any of the things that I did?

1. Gaining weight from fighting yourself?
2. Losing weight from stopping fighting yourself?
3. Losing weight from living a full week as your authentic self?
4. Letting go of your male persona in phases rather than all at once?
5. Feeling lots of anxiety, difficulty sleeping, or like your body is shaking or wants to shake after living an extended time as your a woman, and then having to switch back to guy mode for work or family?

[arbon]

Prior to hrt I was loosing weight for a while, I think I got down to 130 and my doctor was getting worried. When I started hrt though it reversed and I shot up to 185 and have been stuck there since.

#5 - I was ready to transition in 2011 but circumstances prevented that. So I was basically changing everyday for over a year and it was pretty insane. Very stressful. Comical to because I was not hiding what I was doing and its a small community - I put on a good show for a while.

[I Am Paula]

Trying to live two lives was at first difficult, then impossible. I knew I had to go full time. The right time to do so is very personal, and I hope it goes smoothly for you. A week is a great start. Don't let a few bad apples spoil your view of what living full time is all about.

[PretzelGirl]

There is a lot going on in your life so you have to give yourself some room for life to happen. I lost 70 pounds a few years back. Part to be healthier and part for self image. Some of it came back from settling into what I wanted for a normal diet. But as I went into HRT, I have deliberately been watching what I eat as I have seen many comments from those that did gain weight. It doesn't help that my wife started a chocolate kick at the same time. :doh: So I would say that if you can really watch what your are eating, then it is manageable. We are basically getting a new body in some ways and have to adjust old habits.

Sleepless nights are probably part of the package for all. It is good to do what you can to relieve stress and anxiety, but there is a lot, especially during transition. So I think we have to prepare ourselves for these occurrences and try to not let them dominate us as much as we can manage. But accept they are there and just not let them take ownership of all of our thoughts. Part of this is the difficult task of setting our minds to the realization that this is a long process and that is what is good and healthy for us. It is tough to stay calm about it, but I find that stepping back and visualizing a positive ending by waiting helps me settle down.

[LeaP]

Anyways, I just wanted to share what's going on in my life. Also, has anyone experienced any of the things that I did?

1. Gaining weight from fighting yourself?
2. Losing weight from stopping fighting yourself?
3. Losing weight from living a full week as your authentic self?
4. Letting go of your male persona in phases rather than all at once?
5. Feeling lots of anxiety, difficulty sleeping, or like your body is shaking or wants to shake after living an extended time as your a woman, and then having to switch back to guy mode for work or family?

1) Story of my life. At its worst, just before things came crashing down, I hit 280 pounds. (I'm 5'8")
2) 100 pound loss to-date. I'd like to lose another 20. Other stats: neck from 17.5" to 15". Waist from 42 to 34. Chest from 46" to 38". Women's pants size from 20W to 12 Misses. My therapist told me (after the fact) that I was "backing into transition before her eyes" and shedding my male self.
3) Nope.
4) Letting go in phases seems most natural to me. As my transition is taking longer than I anticipated anyway for various reasons, I'm at least enjoying the benefit of seeing hormonal changes play out more fully, something that will affect future decisions. Psychologically, the changes still go on (also hormones). I'm aware - and tired of - certain coping mechanisms. Time to give them up. Enough!
5) My anxiety levels have steadily decreased over time. But then, I had a pretty bad problem with anxiety to begin with. I'm blessed with the ability to sleep well under any and all conditions - depression, disaster, conflict, noise, whatever. As one of my primary refuges in life, I actually sleep better the worse things get!