Sometimes I wonder...

[Ally.Nichole25]

This is a picture of me and my SO at my junior prom. I look at this and think back to how much simpler it was. I know I shouldnt feel this way but it does cross my mind sometimes...I sometimes miss how much simpler it was before I knew he was a crossdresser. I still love him all the same but it has made the relationship a bit stressful on my side. I want him to be happy and I want to be there for him for years to come. But sometimes it can just be hard...I love him so very much and wouldnt wish for him to change, I just wish it was easier on me emotionally.

[LIKETODRESS2]

Being a crossdreser I can not think how hard it would be to date a Crossdresser. I look at from side saying I don't think its a big deal. But your are truly a great person if you do accept him for who he is . It takes a special person to accept someone who is different . I hope eveyrthing works out for both of you

[Marcelle]

Hi Ally. My wife is fully supportive of my cross dressing but it can be hard on her sometimes as well. The key thing we keep is communication and I also ensure "boy me" is present a predominant portion of the time. It is not an easy path for GGs who stay with CDers but when it works the relationship is that much more loving. First and foremost though I am always her husband. Good luck and very nice to meet you.

Hugs

Isha

[Emi_]

It is very admirable that you have decided to remain with your SO and try to find a way to relate in what is, quite honestly, a tricky situation. Just about anyone else would prefer to leave the relationship than try and deal with this.

As for the stresses on your side, I can only advise you to speak about them clearly with your SO. Many times, cross-dressing can overtake our lives and we can forget about other things that matter as well. And, just as you probably have no experience in being in a relationship with a cross-dresser, your SO probably has no experience openly being a cross-dresser in a relationship. So, yes, basically, COMMUNICATION is the key - and that's true of any relationship, but particularly of this kind of relationship.

Take heart in knowing that cross-dressing has not stood in the way of great relationships. My wife and I have been together for over 11 years now and we are as happy as newlyweds. We've had a few bumps that other couples may not have had to deal with, but we've also faced other issues like a miscarriage and two cross-country moves and a layoff that meant three years of unemployment and we are still together and happily so and I still wear women's clothes at many and various times through it all. So, yes, it can really be okay.

[Renee Elise]

Hi Ally and welcome. It's a lot to take in...those of us guys that love women, being our guy selves, and also have feminine sides are not at all well represented (or understood) in our popular culture, so you need time so absorb all of this. Your boyfriend must really love and trust you beyond words to share what is very likely his most carefully and deeply guarded secret.

You look like great people from the pics that you've shared. Give this some time and help encourage him to love you with his full essence.

Is he a member here? A lot of us are still relatively new to this forum...would be a great place for him to be amongst a warm, like minded, (albeit many unique personalities;) ) and above all friendly bunch.

~Renee

[Ally.Nichole25]

Renee: Yes he is on here(: his name is Sarahtheshy

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Ally-

Welcome to the board. Good for you for seeking out some support and info on all of this. :)

Your picture so brought me back to my wife's and mine various high school dances. Our first date was freshman homecoming, oh about 28 years ago! The photo of you two is super cute!

I too remember back to that first date of ours and how much more simple life was back then. It really felt as though the world was so clear, so simple, so straightforward. Ah youth, it was so... simple.

Cross dressing is a complication, but in all likelihood it wont be the only one or the last one. That is life. At least from what I have seen. It is a series of ups and downs. Goods and bads. I often think about how when we first got married, after 10 years of dating, did either of us really understand that whole "for better or worse" statement. I often wonder how many others really know what that means.

Yes I know that cross dressing certainly complicates life, especially our vision of what we think life should be, but many folks find ways to not only survive it but thrive with it.

I think the key is open and honest communication. I get the feeling that you are someone who can do that.

:)

[NavyM2F_WAM]

As a crossdresser myself, I can only try to imagine just how hard it is for people like Ally to try to deal with their SO's lifestyle. I know I would love to have an SO that accepts it and wants to support me in it.

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

Like Isha said, communication is the most important thing to have in a marriage after Love. My wife and I have been together for 24 years and I was smart enough to tell her the night we met and she has been and still is my best friend.

[PaulaQ]

This is a picture of me and my SO at my junior prom.

You are a beautiful couple!


I look at this and think back to how much simpler it was. I know I shouldnt feel this way but it does cross my mind sometimes...I sometimes miss how much simpler it was before I knew he was a crossdresser.

Why shouldn't you feel that way? No doubt it was simpler back then! Knowing that your SO is a cross dresser raises all sorts of questions in your mind - stuff to worry about that you likely never would have worried about before. What does it say about him? What does the future hold? What does it say about you if you are able to tolerate him dressing as a woman? What does it say about you if you aren't able to tolerate that?


I still love him all the same but it has made the relationship a bit stressful on my side. I want him to be happy and I want to be there for him for years to come. But sometimes it can just be hard...I love him so very much and wouldnt wish for him to change, I just wish it was easier on me emotionally.

And therein lies the rub - how do you balance his needs with your own needs? Is that even possible? If so, what's the balance look like? These are issues most heteronormative couples don't have to deal with. But since you are with your CD SO, you are no longer a heteronormative couple. That's hard to take - at least if you are the type of person who likes to fit in.

Do you keep his secret now, or talk about it with someone? Do you resent now having a secret to keep? Or suppose one of you wants to be out, the other does not? How do you arbitrate such a thing?

Oh yeah, if you talk to him about it - he almost certainly doesn't understand it all himself. If he can't understand it, how are you supposed to understand it?

This is hard stuff, and you'll either work through it, or you won't. Lots of couples are able to make this work, lots are not. The best advice I can offer is to be patient, be open and honest with each other, and find a counselor who understands gender issues if you need some external support.

And lastly - don't beat yourself up because you have discovered something about your SO that you aren't so crazy about. Sure, it'd be great if you felt "OMG! This is a lifelong fantasy of mine!!!!" But few women feel that way, to be honest. That you aren't quite sure how you feel about it - and that you don't just automatically love it, are really pretty normal reactions. You are actually making a really commendable effort to be accepting, hon. Lots of women don't even bother to try.

[ReineD]

I know I shouldnt feel this way but it does cross my mind sometimes...

There are no "shouldn'ts". You feel the way you feel and it is OK.

It's natural for our feelings to yo-yo, especially at first. You are being presented with a condition that you know very little of and that is not understood at all by society at large. And most of us grow up hearing people laugh at CDers when the subject comes up. So it is no wonder that you feel conflicted. Don't beat yourself up for feeling that way.

The other side of this is that you are showing an open mind and because of this, you will learn to understand what it means to your boyfriend and you will in time get used to it (hopefully). The ideal would be for you to see your boyfriend the same way, no matter how he is dressed. The person he is inside never changes.

It's tricky to learn how to navigate the CDing in a world where we feel we must keep it hidden from our loved ones, our friends, and the people at work. But it is doable, you just need to be creative. And it does get much easier ... it just takes time.

Just be sure to talk a lot together, and balance both your needs. But, before you can balance your needs, you need to know what he wants and what you want. If it doesn't match, reach a compromise that you both feel comfortable with.

PS. I LOVE your prom dress!

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Hi Ally :)

Many years later and now in my late thirties and I'm still struggling, but hey, we're still together and in love and this forum is helping with the rest!

Anyway, you're such a cute couple. I remember those days, sigh :) If you ever want to PM me, just for a grizzle or chat or to share the good moments too, I'm here. Sometimes it's just nice to chat with another GG who 'gets' it. Believe me, I understand everything you wrote, and then some. T x

[mikiSJ]

I truly hope the two of you can work it out.

[Zylia]

I totally understand what you're saying. For what it's worth, some cross-dressing individuals would have liked to have a simpler life without these feelings and urges for themselves as well. 'Dressing up' is a choice, but you can't choose whether or not to have cross-dressing urges and/or gender dysphoria.

[Kate Simmons]

You are a good looking couple.A relationship can be simple or complex, depending on how we look at things. Sometimes we let society's ideas of "perfection" hold sway which is a pipe dream really. The bottom line is we make or break our own happiness. Always remember also that you both have many friends here for support.:)

[CrossJess]

I fear the worst for this relationship after reading all your topics Ally, I have to say and be honest here in the fact that "in this thread" you have put up a picture now of "how you were".... to me that speaks volumes that you can't and probably never will be fully on board with your bf being a crossdresser and notably wishing it was simpler is never a good feeling, if you feel like this now then you will probably never fully except him as a crossdressing man and perhaps future husband material and it will be a major strain on the relationship as it seems to be on you side now, I hope for both your sakes you can work passed this, talking to each other is always the key in these situations tell him exactly how you feel and how your dealing with it.

For the record I have a lot of friends with crossdressing husbands and the relationships have always been better because there is a better understanding between each other, usually a crossdressing guy is more in touch with his emotions and fem side and in turn that relates to a better understanding of how there wives and gf's may be feeling. sure ok it was hard in the beginning but they worked passed it.

[WhisperTV]

You look like a very sweet couple and I wish you both the best.

I agree with communication being the key. One of the first things you may want to find out is what crossdressing means to Sarah. As a group, crossdressers have all sorts of different motivations. These range from relaxation to serious gender disphoria.

Getting familiar with Sarah's unique situation is a good early step.

[kimdl93]

My wife felt a lot of stress that she kept hidden from me. She kept it contained for the same reasons you do. It finally got to her and she had a meltdown of sorts. Fortunately, she contacted a very TG supportive counselor, talked though her feelings and, found relief from her fears and concerns. We made some adjustments to accommodate each other and communicate as well as we can. It seems to help.

[Katey888]

I applaud you (both of you, really - but you especially...) for being prepared to try to work through this... there's already been a lot of very sage advice and opinions on how to approach this but Jess hit a couple of points that resonated with me, and I have to agree with her...

You both need to start looking forward and not backward to understand where this might go and potentially how far it might develop... you are both relatively young, but you have to ask yourself how you feel about this as a lifelong thing, because it doesn't go away - and in many (if not most) cases, it becomes more accentuated... but at least you know - you just have to be prepared to have open discussion and then make a decision for what you believe will be best for yourself...

If those two individual decisions are mutually supporting, then you're in business! But there are no guarantees your feelings may not change over time, particularly if things for Sarah develop more... Only the two of you can explore those future possibilities honestly and intimately...

I wish you the best... :hugs:

Katey x

[khaleesie]

It was a real struggle for my wife for a long time. After she came to terms with it, she wanted to participate in my alternate persona. The problem was me; I simply couldn't be around her while dressed up because I felt so totally ashamed. It wasn't till my mid 40s that I started asking myself why I'm doing this to myself and my wife. I began forcing myself to allow her to participate and while it's still a tad embarrassing for me, I'm working through it. It has brought us closer together and frankly, I wish I hadn't waited so long to bring her into this part of my life.

I can understand how difficult it is for the SO, and since I'm on the other side of it, I don't really have any advice. I'm very lucky to have a wife that loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy, no matter what.

The one thing that made a difference for her is that she researched it and discovered that this isn't a choice and isn't actually very rare. Of course I wouldn't make the choice to make my life more difficult. It's something that I have fought against for years until it was clear that I had no choice. The urges would build up until I couldn't function.

I guess my thoughts are that time, information and understanding is what's necessary.....

Good luck.....

[devida]

Hang in there. You might get to the point my SO is at where she doesn't find cross dressing unusual at all and doesn't actually think I am cross dressing - I'm just wearing clothes that we both like and that look good on me. She wears a lot of men's clothes and has never thought of that as cross dressing so she doesn't see why my wearing dresses is any different. She was being dropped off the other day when I came out of the house to help her with groceries. She said she got a bit of a start because she suddenly saw me through the eyes of the guy who was dropping her off. She said she had forgotten how different I looked from the way most men look.

But, you know, I'm not obsessed with dressing. Its just a part of my life. Its the way I am. But when I was new to it I was and I was really a bit of a bore to my SO who told me a number of times she wished I had more people like me so she wouldn't have to hear me prattle on and on. So I found this forum where I can bore everyone here ;)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ally, True love will overcome all obstacles.

[Jenniferathome]

Ally, remember you can support him and be happy for him and NOT be involved in his cross dressing if you choose. Ideally you two can talk about it casually so that each knows what to expect, from boundaries you may have to wants he may have. Boundaries trump wants every time.

Cross dressing does complicate relationships. It's weird. But it is also IN him so you need to find your comfort zone. THAT is worth a conversation or two. Best of luck

[jessie1209]

Hi. Ally! My insight comes from the opposite end of the spectrum. When I was younger I came out as a crossdresser to my wife. Loving as she was she accepted me with out a thought.

It was great and she did all the things that you mentioned. Helping with support, outfits and makeup tips.

I however, never felt truely comfortable about it. I felt ashamed and felt like I let her down. It was something I could never shake off. For me I stopped dressing and am still happy I did so but I still think about it from time to time.

So....I guess what I am trying to say is. As supportive as you are its hard to tell how he is feeling about it inside. Keep up your support and I hope it all goes well.

[Stephanie Julianna]

First off, your prom dress is unbelievably beautiful as you are. One benefit to dating a cd is that he will never tell you that you can not buy a dress that looks great on you no matter what the cost. We love to be on the arm of a girl that loves to dress nicely the way we wish as well. We never do what we do to detract from the girl we love at our side. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you at his side. I told my wife about my dressing 6 months after we started dating. It was harder back then since there was not a lot of information about CDing. That was in the Spring of '68. We married in April of '71 and I'm happy to report that, even though she has never been crazy about this side of me, she loves me soo much that we can still boast that we have been married 43 years with 3 children and 7 grandchildren that we love and adore. If he is the one for you, love will conquer all. Hope this helps and you can write me anytime to just chat or get something off your mind. You're only a year older than my oldest grandson. I will answer any questions you have openly and honestly without sugar coating it.

[Beverley Sims]

Ally,
Lasting relationships always need work, you are not unique in your situation but you are doing the right thing.
I wish you the best for continuing happiness. :)

[ReineD]

you have put up a picture now of "how you were".... to me that speaks volumes that you can't and probably never will be fully on board with your bf being a crossdresser and notably wishing it was simpler is never a good feeling, if you feel like this now then you will probably never fully except him as a crossdressing man

I'm sorry, but this is so not true. :p

It's natural for women to feel some anxiety when they first find out about the CDing. It is not, after all, a common behavior that is embraced in our society. There is always a period of adjustment as we learn about what this means for our partners and how our relationship will be affected.

A big mistake for most SOs is actually "pretending" that we're fully supportive from the beginning. This usually means that the SO is not yet fully in touch with her feelings.