Why can't I let this go?

[becky77]

I have been chatting to someone via PM and it made me think of this question. I'm going to try avoid a long winded thread but must do a little back story first, I will have missed loads out but can only give a taster.

I had a real bad time growing up, my Dad left my Mum for her best friend and my Mum fell to pieces, for well over a year she just cried and my eldest brother had to go to neighbours to get food to feed us and take my youngest brother around to change his nappy. Eventually my Dad came back and only because he realised his children were being neglected. He was bitter for ever on and he took a particular grudge on me, now at this time unknown to me I was also suffering other issues that made me really struggle to find friends apart from a girl who I was swiftly stopped from seeing as I naturally played dress up and played with girls toys with her. Shortly after this I must have buried those feelings and for my young adult life believed anything I liked that was feminine made me a freak. So for various reasons I was really struggling and basically went into myself, teachers just left me as a problem child and it wasn't till a hippy like teacher saw something within me did I first learn to read and write (I was 11 and just about to go to senior school) too little too late. I was sent to a large school and even though they knew the school would be bad for me as my older brother was already there (and failing miserably) but it was easier and lazy for them to continue and send us there.
I got picked on from early on and spent the next five years in constant fights, I was non confrontational but had a bad temper and it was easy to keep picking on the weird scrapping kid. I had only one friend and could not get on with other boys and that friend turned on me too.
My mum didn't want to hear it, she was too wrapped up in her own world of misery and would just cry at the end of my bed on a regualr basis and rather than my father defending me he treated me in the same manner as the boys at school. I didn't like sports and didnt like getting cold or wet so to him I was just a pathetic weakling, which was also how my uncle treated me "Go play with your Aunt and you can go do 'womans stuff' in the kitchen" one of many regular sneering put downs as he idolised my eldest brother.
My teenage years were aweful and I dreaded school every day I was there, after puberty I started to hate anything masculine about myself (didn't know why and never realised it was because they were masculine features) I just hated myself. My Dad would make this worse by taking the piss out of these insecurities, my Mum, just worried about her own issues. My Grandad didn't even look at us, My Gran went slowly mad in our spare room.
So I feel I can say they were not good parents! I was a truly disturbed child suffering inside and it showed on the outside, socially and academically yet they did nothing.

Roll on many years and I have come out to them and they have been amazing, fully supportive and things are better than they have ever been.
I get on well with my Dad now and i'm often out and about with my Mum.

But..... first they have taken my gender issues as almost an excuse, that's how I was so any problems in childhood can now all be blamed on that! Second, recently a close friend of mine posted a video about good parenting and it was about parents whos little girl wanted to be a boy, it goes through how the parents dealt with this and how they now speak on behalf of transgender children. The video was put on by my friend as way of showing me and his friends it is a subject he believes in (a subtle confirmation of his support).
I told my Mum what he had done and that it was called 'Good parenting' and she smiled and pointed to herself in a self congratulatory manner. It was like a stab in my heart it really hurt and I can't say why. Yes she has been wonderful since but it doesn't cancel out how she was as a mother to me growing up (there is so much more to say but hopefully you get the idea)

Am I being ridiculous? How do I get past this? And in light of how many people have had difficulty with acceptance from their family should I just be delighted with what I have and bury the past?

[stefan37]

We all have our demons growing up and our parents are not any different. They had issues you may not have been aware. Just as there is no rulebook for transition there is not any book for parenting. We all deal with issues in different ways. I know as a parent I would do things differently today than I would today. Take them as they are today. Take comfort that they are accepting and willing to give support.

[becky77]

I understand what you are saying and I very much agree. I have tried to embrace this new chapter in our life, yet every now and then she says something as if she is suddenly the greatest mother ever and it brings back the hurt.
I know parenting is hard and I know many people have had it far worse than me growing up, it just really aggravates me that especially my Mum takes no responsibility for any of it, it's always someone else's fault.

I know I have to get over it but it helps to just put it out there. Sometimes writing my thoughts down is the only way I can express myself, get the angst out of my system.

Thanks for listening/reading.

[KellyJameson]

I wondered how much my childhood "Pushed me into identifying with girls so adopting a female identity"

Most of my therapy was not about "If" but "Why" I identified as a woman.

If you read about intersex issues where the doctors "assign" a surgical sex these children have a high incidence of gender confusion and dysphoria.

Also the history of DES Daughters & Sons is interesting to study where massive amounts of estrogen were given to woman while pregnant from the thinking that estrogen reduced the chance of miscarriages.

My mother is one of these daughters and I wonder if I'm a third generation "echo".

Transsexuals come from many diverse backgrounds so no one common denominator has been found in these childhoods.

"IF" someone identifies opposite their body it will not be from their childhood but their childhood will reflect the consequences of being born transsexual.

The reason I say "IF" is that childhood trauma does affect identity but not "gender identity"

Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is having a problem with identity but it is not gender identity.

Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is having a problem with identity but it is not with "gender identity"

Childhood trauma often creates mental illness but paradoxically being born a transsexual is traumatic so you will have a traumatic childhood to the degree " You are not recognized for who and what you are"

I had to separate out the two traumas from each other and I think you will need to do the same considering what you have shared.

My gender identity was living under the mess that was my childhood and I brought it to the surface by working through this mess.

Whatever your gender identity is you cannot change it but only "find it" so you really cannot make a mistake other than "going against it"

It would be very painful for a "man" to truely live as a woman because he will be living "against himself" so would be creating the pain that is familiar to pre-op transsexuals.

You want to trust that your gender identity is "real" and you find it with "Pain" but you must first put to rest "the pain of childhood" and you do this largely by seeing your parents for what they are and that they were so preoccupied with themselves that they had no time, ability or desire to give you the love that you needed and deserved.

You cannot "BUY THE LOVE" that you did not get in childhood "BY TRANSITIONING" and this is what some who transition appear to be trying to do.

Before you transition you must accept yourself as that love you did not receive in childhood.

Do not transition to "Get something from others" other than the simple recognition of "who you are"

Transitioning is a loving act you do for yourself and not for others or because of others.

If you watch people you will see many have an emotional hunger that translates into a desperate need for attention.

This hunger is what you want to understand because it may have nothing to do with "REAL & ACTUAL" gender identity.

Being rejected as "Not being loved as a person" is different from being rejected as "Not being seen as your gender" but they can "feel the same" because both come from " Not being seen "

We transition to bring out into the world what are "inner eye" sees and so needs to be seen.

We do not transition to please others by becoming what we think they need us to "become" so that we can be loved, wanted and accepted by them.

You do not want to put the cart before the horse.

[Jorja]

Becky, it sounds as though your childhood was really difficult. This is something I know about myself. The past is the past, there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing you can do to change it. You had no control. Focus your thoughts on the present and moving forward. This is where you can make change. You have control now. You can make life what it should be.

I wanted to add that I 100% agree with Kelly's statement; Transitioning is a loving act you do for yourself and not for others or because of others. If you are not doing it for yourself, expect failure.

[LeaP]

Becky, I can certainly sympathize with having a difficult time growing up. My parents' issues, like yours, were a major contributor. Beyond the aspect of moving on that some have already mentioned, as well as perhaps forgiving your parents once you reach an adult understanding of life, I would simply add my perspective that once you reach a certain level of maturity you own the responsibility for what you are, good and bad. From this point of view, your mother's taking of credit or willingness to accept blame is simply irrelevant. As grating as the comments must feel, I would do my best to simply grit my teeth and ignore them.

[rachael.davis]

My GI therapist moved from discussing gender identity to discussing my childhood, my relationship to my parents, the coping mechanisms I developed to deal with mental agony etc.
A scar is a scar, it means you'be been injured, but you also lived through it - nothing takes away the pain of abusive or bad parenting, but nothing is forcing you to stay there except your own memories, and history.
Go forward sweetie, it's a beautiful world out there.

[MichelleHart]

Beckey, many of us in the community have or had issues with how our lives were when we were growing up. Many of us in the older generation had parents that could never understand who we really were and looked at us as broken, pathetic or just bad. Some, had parents that either left us to our own devices or shunned us all together. It's only now that many parents are becoming more aware of the GID problems we face. Your Father and Uncle were raised on the testosterone driven male influence that made them look at anyone that didn't portray the macho man as inferior. As for your Mother, she was dealing with so many different problems that arose from you Father leaving (i.e. ego, self-worth, children, money, etc.) Many things that now as an adult we have to worry about but as children we were not so aware of.

Kelly made many great points that may help you understand that it's time to just start living life for yourself and not because you want to make your parents aware of the problems back then. It sounds like they had so many emotional problems that they became desensitized to the needs of their children. That is something that they have to live with not you. You have a life ahead of you that you need to start living the way you need to. It's nice that your parents have come to accept you for the true you but please don't dwell on the fact that most likely they has suppressed the memories from back then.

And Kelly I want to thank you for mentioning the problems about DES babies. It took years of research to finally determine that my Mother was one of those women that were given DES. For those of you who are not familiar with DES, please see the following link: http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/DES Yes it is more about the risk of cancer but the following link has information about trans folks: http://www.desaction.org/dessons.htm

Beckey please be kind to yourself and learn to forgive and forget that which you had no control over. Use the past as a learning experience that you might use to help prevent others from experiencing.