Feeling upset

[Polly Sharp]

This is so strange. I've been dressing for over 40 years and never felt this way before, and it's all down to a ring !

I have had full make-up on, I have wigs, clothing, wear proper forms, been out in public, yet this has got to me and I don't like the way I feel.

I'm happily married and have worn my (male) wedding ring for the last 14+ years since I got hitched. Recently I bought a couple of costume rings on ebay, one engagement and one wedding. They are really nice and and almost perfect fit, most rings take a while to settle in.

But, when I took off my wedding ring and put the engagement ring on just now I felt really sad, was I breaking a sacred bond with my wife? What would she think/say if she saw ?

I know, it sounds so silly, but this is the first time I've removed the wedding ring. The new rings don't 'fit' with that in the way and I had thought this would just be part of my male-female persona. The wedding ring will go back on shortly but I really don't want to feel so downhearted when I swap them over.

I am tempted to thrown them in the bin rather than argue with myself, but why am I feeling like this ? I would never cheat on my wife, my other woman is myself, and she knows that.

The wedding ring is the only thing I wear in the bath, shower, bed and so on. It just feels so strange to upset myself like this.

[devida]

Hello Polly: I am, in my other identity, a jeweler. Not only do I make many wedding rings but I specialize in symbolic jewelry, that is to say jewelry that people imbue with special meaning. Don't beat yourself up about this. You have, over many years, given the little piece of metal that is your ring a special significance. But this significance only exists because of how you have imbued it with symbolic meaning. Please allow yourself to play with other jewelry without feeling you are somehow betraying your bond. The bond doesn't exist in the jewelry. It exists in your mind. The jewelry is just a symbol. It is a talisman. It certainly is important, but not because of what it is, just because of the meaning you give to it. Your relationship with your SO is not diminished in any way by your wearing,especially in play, costume jewelry you bought elsewhere. Be kind to yourself. Allow your playfulness and fantasy to be all right in your life without burdening yourself with guilt.

[kimdl93]

Perhaps you could ask her to give you a ring....that would make it special.

[Abbygirl]

Polly- that's not silly at all, I think it is sweet and romantic. You obviously value and respect what your wedding ring means.
Maybe if your wife knew about the way this is making you feel (and why you feel this way), she might think it sweet or romantic too? If she understands that the "other woman" is you, maybe she would understand why you want to wear the rings?

[Robyne Rocks]

My husband has 2 rings, a simple, more masculine hematite band, & a very feminine silver with pink heart stone. He wears the masculine one in everyday life, to work and such. He wears the other whenever he wants a touch of sparkle, even if he's not dressed. I have no problem with this. I like seeing his sparkly ring. It's more than a symbol of fidelity, it's a symbol of the blossoming of his feminine side, & this beautiful thing we share together. Both rings are meaningful in their own ways.

Of course it's not silly to feel this emotional attachment to your wedding ring. And it's not silly to want a more feminine ring. I also suggest talking with your wife about it, & perhaps she can help you process these feelings & make a decision. I would also suggest, you don't have to stop wearing your original ring altogether. It could be worn on the other hand, or as a necklace, so it's still close to you.

If you really want a permanent feminine ring, you could also take your original to a jeweler to see about adding embellishments. Just a thought.

[samantha rogers]

If I take off my wedding ring raucous alarms start going off all over my house and her phone blares an alert....can't figure out how she managed that.:heehee:

[Rhonda Jean]

I think that's sweet. And cool. Props for that!

[Marcelle]

Hi Polly,

I really like Devida's response. You have given your wedding ring significance and when you take it off it is like taking a part of your vow off with it. I am not sure if your wife knows about Polly but if she does, speak to your wife and ask her what she thinks and if she at all minds. This might help fight some of your angst. Also if she does know, the comment by Kim makes perfect sense, a ring given to you by your wife for when you are Polly. For security reasons, I never wore my ring when in a combat theatre so when I left I gave it to my wife for safekeeping and each time I returned she put it back on my finger. Perhaps you could do the same when you transform into Polly, give your ring to your wife and have her place back on your finger when you return to "boy".

Hugs

Isha

[JamieOH]

Obviously it isn't silly. It is something that you take seriously. Only you can decide how you feel about that. I Don't wear a wedding band. i used to, but it kept getting damaged at work. So i put it up. For me, i said "i do" long before we exchanged vows and rings. And i have no desire to change that. She is as much a part of me as my arms that long to hold her everyday. As my eyes that can only see her. What power does a ring hold that my heart does not?

[Katey888]

Don't think it's silly, Polly - looks like a lot of us here have the same feelings... :hugs:

Devida's response is spot-on I think - obviously our resident expert in symbolic jewellery... the Robert Langdon of Bling! (Sorry Devida - I'm sure your designs are superior stuff! :)) - Seriously, my wedding ring has huge symbolism for me. I do remove it when I dress as I think it feels just too masculine, but I have an older, custom dress ring that I wear in it's place, that has become an alternate symbol for Katey... It might only be a small thing but the symbolism is important and how it supports what goes on in your head is also important to you... don't be downhearted - find a way to celebrate both aspects of your bond... :)

Katey x

[Shelly Preston]

Polly it may be easier if you think of it in a different way.

A lot of people have jobs where they are not allowed to wear rings for safety reasons. I am sure some of them have a similar attachment to a ring they have been given. Unfortunately they don't get a choice so please don't be too hard on yourself.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Well, I'm seeing this a little differently (don't I always?! :) ) But then, I sometimes feel I'm literally one of the only wives here posting from the perspective of those of us who don't love our H's crossdressing.

So from that side, Polly, I have to ask why you're taking it off in the first place. Do you pass as a woman and this is the only give away? Or do most people assume you're a man and this is really just about your own fantasies/feelings?

I'm not writing this to hurt, just to think. It's incredibly sweet that you feel bad, and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe keep wearing your ring?

[CarlaWestin]

I too feel strange when I take off my wedding ring. Although it's conductive properties create real danger with my occupation, it stays on. I'm always afraid of losing it while doing yard work or something. My wife, on the other hand will set her fairly expensive rings down, anywhere. You know, you can pull a ring off of your finger but the feeling is always in your heart.

[Ms. Di GG]

As a wife it would mean a lot to me to know that you really felt something when you took the ring off. I never take off my wedding band. It is more than a reminder of a special day or of fidelity. It is a symbol of the never ending love that I feel for my H. It has changed over the years with scratches and dings but so has our love. Yet it is a constant in our lives. We both wear our rings and as my H doesn't go out when he is dressed, it is forever on his finger. I will ask him but I don't think that he has ever considered not wearing it. If you really wanted to look more femme, why not just add a solitare to the band? That is what many wedding sets of my generation look like.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Polly, I got an engagement looking ring that compliments the wedding ring that has been on my finger for over 50 years.

[bridget thronton]

My wife gave me the rings I wear on my left hand (and upgraded them over time to match the ones I gave her - i was touched they she insisted on buying them)

[Di]

Do you have an anniversary coming up? Buy you and your wife new bands.:D
I bought Sherlyn a thinner ( could be guy or girl band with diamonds when we married) band. That way never has to take it off in either mode and slips on the engagement ring with it and looks perfect.

[JerseyGirlDonna]

Polly, I completely understand what you're saying. I'll be married 34 years and during that time I've never taken my wedding ring off, and never plan to.

[ReineD]

Polly, rather than find ways to overcome your misgivings and find a way to not feel bad when you remove your wedding ring, I suggest listening to your gut feelings.

Here's a pretty good article from Psychology today about our instincts, why we have them, which we should listen to and which we shouldn't:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200704/gut-almighty


One of their points is that gut feelings indicate our moral compass, our internal belief of what is right or wrong. I think something is telling you that it is a betrayal to your wife and marriage if you remove your wedding ring. I know how that feels, I felt the same way and as silly as it sounds, the most poignant point in my divorce was when (long before we divorced) I noticed that my ex had removed his. You could ask your wife how she might feel if you remove the ring, but if something is telling you that she might not understand and rather feel hurt, then you must weigh what is most important to you.

[DonnaT]

The ring is more than just a symbol. It is part of who your are now, and that is a part of a couple.

I feel the same way about my ring.

I've had doctors try and get me to remove my ring when going to surgery, but it simply won't come off without cutting it off. That ain't going to happen. Their reasons for removing it have proved baseless so far.

You could try wearing it on the other hand, or just get a nice stone that is closer in look to your ring.

[carhill2mn]

My solution to this when I was married was to wear what looked like an engagement ring with my wedding band like many women do.

[Teresa]

With being a photographer and attending so many weddings I continually heard the symbolic reason behind the wedding ring and the binding of two people to become one, so I can understand the feeling about removing it. I chose not to have a wedding ring because I felt it effeminate, I even tried to hide my CDing like that !
I did wear a ring given to me by a GF but I burnt my hand badly by somehow shorting it out across a car battery, I don't know what the ring was made of but it just vaporised !!

[Beverley Sims]

My wedding ring is eternal.
Never been off and never likely to.
I have a diamond engagement ring that goes on when I am dressed.
It sometimes inadvertently gets left on. :)

[Ugly Michele]

I don't wear rings, I have only 3 fingers on my left hand, the ring finger is gone, caught on something while swimming off a boat. Never found ring or the finger. But I can relate how you feel.

[Amari]

I have a costume engagement ring for when I'm dressed which is worn with my wedding ring. Sometimes I have to remove my ring for work, it feels odd when my wedding ring is off, like I'm missing part of the bond with my wife. At those times I wear it on a chain around my neck (must be light weight so as not to strangle or cut into me if it gets caught up).

[Cheryl T]

I bought a wedding set on Ebay about 9 years ago.
When my wife (fully knowledgeable and understanding) asked me why I wanted them I told her that when I dress and we go out I wanted something feminine in a wedding ring and I wanted everyone to see it and know that I was married.
Funny thing happened at the mall. A jewelry store was having an appraiser there that day. My wife hadn't had her ring appraised in years and I suggested she have hers done for the insurance. When he finished hers he looked at me and asked me if I wished to have mine done. I politely declined of course, not wanting him to see they were CZ and not diamonds, but he did make my day by asking.
My wife got a good smile out of it also. Then she told me that she now understood why I wanted the set.

[Farrah]

I agree with Devida. I'm sorry you're feeling down, though..

[PaulaQ]

@Polly - I can appreciate your misgivings about removing your wedding ring. We invest a lot of emotion in these symbolic bonds of our matrimony. The ring you wear is very powerful symbolically. I can speak to feeling upset when removing it - when my wife told me I didn't deserve to wear mine anymore last year, it really, really hurt me, just removing the simple band from a marriage that I knew was most likely doomed. I can see how it would feel like cheating - it's a symbol of your marriage to her. Not just any ring - THAT RING.

That said, what you are doing really is pretty harmless, and I hope you can feel better. A man's ring does look out of place when you are en femme.

[Kate T]

I only take my wedding ring off for surgery. I almost invariably put it straight back on as soon as I am finished doing surgery (and cleaning up :)), it just feels odd not to. Occasionally I will give my wedding ring to my wife to mind while I am doing surgery and she might not be at work when I finish. If that happens my staff tell me I have a tendency to be constantly feeling at my ring finger where the ring normally is even though I don't realise it.

It's become a psychological as well as a physical "normal" part of who I am. I don't know if I would want to change that.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Polly, I understand your sentiment. My solution is to wear femme wedding and engagement rings on my left ring finger and switch my genuine wedding band to my right hand. Thankfully they all fit fine. I feel lost without any of them when dressed.

It is important to enjoy your dressing. If you can't overcome your feelings then stay with your wedding band only.

[abby054]

I have a costume engagement ring for when I'm dressed which is worn with my wedding ring.

If I ever lose my wedding ring, there will be trouble. I understand the symbolism that this means to my wife, if no one else. I wear a matching engagement ring when dressed as others have recommended.

I have worn my wedding ring continuously for 37 years and one day. I have a deep pasty white groove worn into my finger, securing my ring with a perfectly ridged callus. It looks like I am wearing the ring even when I am not wearing it. I wear it in my high voltage lab. Even wore it in combat zones when in the army. When I recently went into a country known for terrorism, my wife confiscated my military ID and would not let me bring it with me, but she insisted that I wear my wedding ring.

My Dad, a farmer for many years, fed his wedding ring to a cow accidentally. There was big trouble when my Mom found out. She did not let that rest for decades. Get the matching engagement ring. You will be glad you did.
--Abby

[Polly Sharp]

Wow, what a response, and so varied in the answers too. I will not beat myself up over this, and I don't feel bad after reading some of the replies. I appreciate that everyone has their viewpoint and respect that.

Over the years I've not given much thought to the wedding ring when out and about as Polly, as I used to. It's not particularly masculine, in fact we have identical rings so it could well pass in either mode. I've worn other items of jewellery and bought the new rings on a whim, because I liked how they looked and wanted to see how they looked on me. It was taking the wedding ring off to try them on that upset me, and I still can't explain it properly.

Yes, I have an immense bond with my wife, she knows about Polly and has even been out with me in that mode. Sadly, due to illness, I don't get out much so it's not an issue of passing any more. This is just for me, in the house. It may only be for a couple of hours and then the proper ring would go back on. Very rare I get the chance to stay dressed much longer. I've tried the engagement ring with the wedding band, they simply do not fit together. I have an indentation where the ring goes, if I leave it there the engagement ring is too tight. Same in reverse.

I should have a talk with her and get her opinion, and I will tell her how upset I got. I've no doubt she'll just brush it off, she knows how we are together and I had no intention of ending the marriage or anything. I can understand where a lot of you are coming from and it is a deep rooted thing with some. I saw a nice looking ring and bought it, I have it on now, seeing if it still upsets me. No, it does not. I know my wife and she knows me, we'll talk about this and sort it out.

But, interesting topic and some really strong feelings being shown, in both directions. Your comments have helped me come to terms with this and I'll let you know what my wife says.

[ReineD]

It's not particularly masculine, in fact we have identical rings so it could well pass in either mode.

Good for you! :)