Yikes...

[dreamer_2.0]

Sitting here looking over forms and questionnaires for this doctor and that doctor. There's also the speech therapist. Seeing my psychologist again tomorrow. Some of these questions are pretty personal, I've never really discussed these areas with anyone. It feels awkward, but then I've heard transition is a series of tests and questions and doctors. I should get used to this. Though, why am I doing this? Why am I risking so much? One of the forms I'm filling out says this:

"While their are risks associated with taking feminizing medications, when appropriately prescribed they can greatly improve mental health and qualtity of life."

I can't believe I'm initialing and dating. Am I crazy? I've certainly made a lot of bonehead decisions (and continue to). Is this the biggest bonehead move I could make? I've become such a glass-is-half-empty kind of person that it would take a lot to make me...I don't know...happy. I can't imagine what a life like that would be like. Seems like a foreign concept. A better quality of life? Maybe.

Anyway, just rambling a of a dreamer.

[KellyJameson]

I'm an extremely private person and always had a certain measure of body shame poured on top of my high need for privacy.

Its brutal to feel so exposed, leaving you wondering if the cure is worse than the disease.

One step at a time is the only advice I can give.

[BOBBI G.]

Dreamer,

They are only mistakes if you want them to be. We, as human beings, will always have the right to change our minds and say no more at this time. I went to my first psyc session with fear of the unknown, and have since found out a lot, mostly good. I am happily following medical advice with my medications, and am enjoying the ride.

For me every change that has taken place in my life had been monitored and I, feel I am on the right train. And I still have the option to get off at the next stop, should I choose.

No matter how much I had researched, I was not really prepared for all that has taken place in just nine months. The fear and anxiety of not knowing the next step, and asking myself, should I take it, have disappeared. I am still me, but I am also a totally different person.

I ask "WHY" to all of my professionals. I think it is tattooed on my forehead, but I am surely more at ease after their response. I'm not sure where this train will end up, considering my age, but wherever, I will happily set up housekeeping.

Bobbi

[Kathryn Martin]

It sounds to me like you are waiting to be convinced.....

[dreamer_2.0]

Not sure I follow what you mean, Kathryn. Perhaps I'm still asleep. Would you mind elaborating?

[Jorja]

It is a difficult thing until you realize the questions asked are like anything else in this world. If you want a drivers license you have to answer a series of questions and show your proficiency. If you want a loan you have to answer a series of questions and put up collateral. It goes on and on. When a guy wants to be a girl there are many questions that need to be answered.

[LeaP]

I have no idea if it's boneheaded or not. What I do know are two things that present something of a conflict: Some steps are more consequential than others. And sometimes you don't stop questioning yourself until you take a step.

There is a reason why caution is built into us. This is the sort of thing where you need to examine your heart and mind carefully.

[Krististeph]

Everything we do has risks. If you drink alcohol, you risk health issues vs. temporary feelings of well-being or reduced social inhibition. In moderation, this can have benefits. Red wine even has some possible health benefits...

I'm going to make a bold statement here in saying that you are not being boneheaded (although one does need a skull to protecte the old grey matter), and I'm saying this mostly because you yourself asked that very question, and considered it long enough to actually post it.

In other words, you have reflected on the negative aspects to some degree, rather than blowing them off and just thinking about the positive side of the issue that you want to achieve. This is mature and thoughtful, and your therapist would probably agree,

However, this does not mean you should take the next step- only you can decide that. One of the best ways, and I do this for most important decisions, whether spending money on something (CD related or otherwise), devoting time to a big task, changing jobs, etc... is to make a list of three columns listing negative, neutral (or just comments), and positive aspects. List as much as you can think of in each column- brainstorm first. Apply a number rating to each- 1 to 3 or whatever you like, to the importance or consequence of each item. Then start a new sheet with the same columns, re-order and try to match opposing aspects.

I know this sounds a little trite, but it has always been more beneficial to me to do this physically, rather than doing it in your head: You involve more parts of your brain when doing this. Like re-copying your notes as a study technique- you must read, interpret the meaning (or discover more subtle patterns or relationships), reorganize in some fashion, and write it down. This is super effective because it requires attention from many functions of the brain at once- enhancing focus as well.

[arbon]

Its a big step, its all new :) Hope you do find happiness.

[Rachel Smith]

Dreamer you sound a lot like I was. I started hormones and transition about 1 1/2 years ago. I have been happy ever since but there are still days when it seems foreign to me. Between seeing my psych, gp and endo I have reached a happiness I had never envisioned. I hope it is the same for you.

[PretzelGirl]

I have shared more personal information than I can even believe. It is part of coming to terms with yourself and your path. It is only the beginning. I can only guess how personal it gets when going for GRS!