In a pickle

[GabbiSophia]

That's what my life feels like. I can admit but i can not except. I want to move on with life but i can't get past my gender issue. I am taking small steps but dragging my feet in hopes that i will find a way to keep what i want. I love my life but i have to deal with this. I fight all the time because i do not know how to not to. I feel like i am quitting if i transition and i cant be me if i dont. Ooo and trying to live two worlds... well that sucks too.

They say don't transition unless you have to. Well I feel i have to but I don't want to but I do. Wait what? Yeah... i feel like I am bipolar ..i am not btw...i am starting to talk to others in the area and it feels good. I long to be me but no way will i loose all i built so far. How long till the mind snaps? Really the question is for those with family at the time of descion... how we're you able to except it?

[mikiSJ]

They say don't transition unless you have to.
This is true, but then most of who want to transition have to. I don't think I am an outlier, so when I say I kept it hidden until I couldn't and then blurted it out - it relieved a lot of my tension, but created chaos within my family.

There is absolutely no way you can make coming out easy. I think you need to get passed that, and really delve into who you are and if you really want to come out.

[DeeDee1974]

I kept it hidden until I had an anxiety attack that was so severe I thought I was having a heart attack. I really thought in that moment I was going to die. When the anxiety attack passed I knew I had to fix myself.

[GabbiSophia]

Deedee i had to get on anxiety meds because of that. There are days where i want to say plucket and just do it but here i sit

[mikiSJ]

There are days where i want to say plucket and just do it but here i sit

Please, get a good night's sleep and try again tomorrow. If tomorrow doesn't work, try again the day after.

I made maybe 5 serious efforts to stop smoking (some at an expensive in-patient facility). Guess what? I stopped one day in 2000 and haven't had a cigarette since. Keep trying.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you don't have to accept it.
It just happens... all those posts you've seen say the same thing....listen to them... I fought it while I was doing it and my own coping mechanism led me take steps towards transition almost subconsciously. I literally could not deal with thinking about the consequences anymore...after all, I had spent my lifetime ONLY worrying about the consequences... if I thought about them anymore I felt it would threaten my life (it doesn't have to be that bad for you but it was for me)

you are worrying about worrying about worrying... asking the same question in a different way is not going to get you a different answer.
Don't indulge the vicious circle... don't assume that if you do a, then b and c will happen... you just don't know...


The more promises you make to yourself or others, the worse you will feel and that feeling of being trapped only gets worse...for some reason I have experienced that the harder we punch the harder we get punched back..
if you can't see through it, then you are experiencing "what just happens" and time will just grind and grind.. I understand your inner dialog is a way to cope and writing it out can be helpful but it loses power over time.

your hope is the intensity of your feelings does not get worse and that you can manage all this and function... focus on that hope...drop everything else... if you can't do that, well then you are just waiting for "it to happen" like it did for so many of us

this is cold comfort but I am saying that your current mindset is something that is going to have to change...miki is right...if you can't today, then try again tomorrow...and try not to get so down on yourself, you aren't alone in what you are going through and how you are trying to deal with it..

[I Am Paula]

I stayed in the limbo you describe for quite a long time. Absolutely knowing what had to be done, but not able to make the leap.
You may find that what you lose is no way near as great as the identity you gain, but my God it's hard to fathom.
My family was wonderful, and congratulating at my coming out, with the exception of my wife, who has gone, grudgingly, from complete distain to OK, do what you have to do, but I still don't like it. We are still together a year later but it's been trying.
It's been said here many times. You may get to the point where not transitioning is scarier than transitioning.
Good luck.

[Jorja]

I saw your post a couple of days ago but I have not had time to sit down and make a proper response. I still don't have time today but feel I need to say something.

What you think you are going to lose by transitioning?

How do you think your life is going to change by transitioning?

[LeaP]

So what is it about your life that you love so much? I have heard others say similar things, but I frankly do not understand them, either. How can you love a life when, by your own admission, it doesn't include being yourself? There are things in my life which I like and would would prefer not to lose, but to extend that into saying I love my life would be quite a stretch. My version would be that even the best things in my life are compromised.

As for fighting yourself, there may be no way to avoid that. The typical late transitioner may regard their male life and persona as a sham - and it is in many respects - but it is the only developed persona you have, and every motivation, reaction, thought and action is part and parcel of it. Fighting yourself is nothing more or less than your survival instinct kicking in to preserve the only "you" that exists in the real world.

Your self-perception has to fundamentally shift before this stops. You can't (and perhaps shouldn't try to) MAKE this happen. The fight may exhaust itself, as Kaitlyn suggests. I don't know. All I can relate is my own experience. Transition thoughts went from being the panic crisis you describe, to being conceivable, to possible, to probable, to obvious over a fairly short period. I can't pin the change to anything in particular. I've tried writing about it in various ways, including normalcy, identity permanence, acceptance, etc., but none are exactly right.

The basis is that identity went from being a conception, knowledge and analysis based, to a lived experience. So maybe what I did was exhaust the fight in me by doing an exhaustive analysis until I gave up! It's a funny thing. All that analysis, all that effort, all that thought, all that angst was pointless. Cisgender people don't make sex and gender based decisions through rigorous self examination and decision-making processes! The day it finally dawned on me that I had started making decisions unconsciously was the day I started writing my thread on normalcy. The self-analysis and justification stopped at the same time, along with most of the stuff that passes for GD.

[KellyJameson]

We tend to grasp onto what we love but if what we love separates us from loving (knowing) ourselves we will use these things as substitutes to replace a more necessary voyage.

If you are living divided against yourself how can you love as that unique expression and response that comes out of the knowing relationship you have with yourself?

All love starts with "what the person is" that is doing the loving.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I guess Lea another way to describe the whole thing is that you go from what you think about to experiencing what simply IS...

Maybe that's why when we discuss this particular topic and when I read all the ts messages from people that have transitioned and each has a personal spin on it...but they seem so clear and so similar to me....
we say different things but when you boil it down its really the same thing..

...but the question keeps getting asked in different ways because for others those answers don't really resonate as much and maybe even may seem impenetrable and so simple that they are not helpful?
Its pretty logical to think that after living your ENTIRE life with this in your head to varying degrees, how can it be possible that those thoughts will ever go away??
But you get to the point where you realize those thoughts are all you have and that's no way to live life..(there I said it another way!!)

[GabbiSophia]

Jorja i could stand to lose a lot since i own my own company and it uses a bunch of male privilege. I could lose nothing at all when it comes to work. I will answer Lea at the same time though. I would lose something i love.. for me this means losing the myself that has delt with the past of all that goes with being tg. I didn't know it at the time but I looked at it and realized it was holding me back.... The constant living in the past.. i would lose all that i have come forward with and all the goals i have set forth and have put into place the pieces to keep going. Is it fear saying this..sure.. but some of it is reality too because life doesn't stop for you to deal with your gd. I have to keep going forward. Also i lovee my life with my family. It makes me feel good and whole. I have had to chance to marry my one love after so many years. He'll even sex finally started to be decent for me.

Now with all that said the juggernaut hasn't stopped. The constant thoughts of gender the want and need to be female. The piece of the pie that is missing. I feel like i am in the car of my life, I have moved from the backseat but i am in the passenger side. I can jerk the wheel when I want to but the path it's on can't be changed. On one hand i want the path hell i have wanted it my whole life. 7 years ago I would have had no problems with this as i did hate myself. Now though no matter what I do to acknowledge this or accept it or even the dose of hormones i am on is enough for the constant buzzing.

I find myself at times feeling that I hate my life now because the crap never stops except when I am super busy or sleeping.

So nothing has pushed me to the point that i will jump into transition and i am not doing it because I have something I want..

i am stubborn as a mule to boot and i hate to give up on the things i want. Though what do you do when you want two things?

Kaitlyn i feel like i see my life past in your words and I am living through then now too.

[Annaliese]

Feel for you, I feel the same way, Dam if I do Dam If I don't.

[Jorja]

GabbiSophia,

You would not be the first to own a business that takes a lot of male privilege to run it and still transition. You get creative. You show that just because the owner has changed… it is still business as usual. You show that no one can do the job as well as your company. Sure, it is a struggle but then anything worth doing is. Stand up and show the boys you are not to be fooled with. You have the advantage here, you know how the game is played and what moves to make. Sometimes it helps growing up male, as awful as that sounds (yuck).

You clearly have some issues to work out yet. That is understandable. You better get to work on them because it sounds as though that "car you are riding in" is about to have a head on crash. I would be more worried about the success of my company when that crash happens than I would be if I transitioned.

I am not telling you to go ahead and transition. Only you can make that decision. I am saying quit using your pre-concived reasoning as an excuse not to.

[stefan37]

I own an Electrical, plumbing and heating/cooling service and contracting business. My business has really taken off since I made the decision to transition. All the negative energy it takes to hide and suppress your true self is released and you take that positive energy and apply it to work. And as far as male dominated industry, it doesn't get much more male dominant than construction. I get totally how you are feeling about losses. My wife and I have filed and signed the divorce application. And yes it hurts deeply. We have been together over 34 years. When we get the house semi packed and cleaned we will be putting it on the market.

There may indeed be losses and they will hurt. But the alternative is I get to live my life as Stephanie and let me tell you, it is extremely liberating. Sometimes you just need to trust your gut and let go. Listen to your mind and your life will never change and you will do internal battle for a very long time. I got tired of the internal battle and raised the white flag. Life could not be better despite the loss of my wife and our house we have called home for 20 years.

Follow your heart and gut, the mind will follow.

Change your thinking , change your life. It sounds simple but it's true.

[LeaP]

GabbiSophia, what you are describing leads to a well-known intersection between the irrelevancy of what you want and the inevitability of what you must do.

[Inna]

there are two types of transition! one which encompasses body and it is limited to the appearance. Such transition truly encompasses the term "transition" since the body evolves from one state to the other.
Then there is a second type, and it isn't even a transition, but a birth of a being denied the chance to live all that time ago. She was born but never experienced growing up, socialization nor all the intricate conditioning all the normal girls do.
It is a second chance birth! and it isn't a transition. It simply is a point in time, one slowly vanishes leaving only a clout of learned experience, and the other slowly begins where it left of.
Then there is a opportunity of even greater reawakening, and such is based on leaving the world of ego and embracing the world of spirituality.
Such road is paved with pain and anguish, as though a child giving up candy for spinach, not an easy feat!
Through this one awakens into their own reality of cleansing to allow love penetrate the deepest crevasse of self.
By this one accepts the path laid before them, the truth within their heart! Then only one will no longer yearn for the riches of man, but find solstice in truth and the riches of the spirit

Desclaimer: I am not claiming this to be a stereotype, I wouldn't dare, I only speak from my own experience!!!

[GabbiSophia]

Lea that's what it feels like. The more the inevitable seems a reality the more I fight back. I am trying to take steps to go forward but darn if atm i am not finding it easy.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Gabbi

YMMV, but I've found that a lot of background noise isn't in my life anymore, and my focus on almost anything I can name is better than it has ever been.
I'm lucky enough that my GI therapist commented a while ago that it would take a lot to convince her that I wasn't transgendered, but that I had a lot of history to work out, and a lot of life history that isn't going to go away a week from now once I go full time.

[LeaP]

I like distinguishing background noise from fighting. That's not a distinction I could have made a year or so ago, however. My inner monologue continues to run non-stop, but it is no longer a fount of psychological warfare agitation.

I am in all day meetings all week. Small group, senior, and participation-intensive. 8:00 AM (5:00 AM for the West Coast participants), working lunches, after-work functions. All of this was a recipe for disaster for me in the past. I've posted about several, some real-time as they occurred. (This one is, too.). The result was panic attacks, escapist behavior, compromised participation, and post-event consequences.

But the monologue still runs ... No time to shave this morning - will someone remember that? It's hot in here, if I unbutton a couple of buttons, is that going to draw attention to my boobs? How am I sitting - am I sprawling or compact? I'm starting to make too many jokes again ... that's compensating behavior. How am I going to carve out 15-20 minutes of silence to take my E? (I couldn't ... got only a few.). I wonder if anyone responded to the cd.com thread I was reading. Am I sitting straight? Maybe I don't need to participate in this part - maybe I'll zip over to a couple of FFS surgeon sites. I still need to contact that trans-friendly hairdresser who also does hair systems - maybe I'll do that next break.

ON and ON and ON and ON an ... I'm going to lose my mind!!!!

Oh ... Wait ... I'm not losing my mind!

HRT helps. Proceeding with electro helps. Working on transition planning materials for company use helps. Writing helps. Watching my weight helps.

Etc.

The fightin' words are still there, but the opponent has left the ring - for now The resolution is self-integration, no matter what the direction or specific landing point. That the potential agitation is still there is an indicator that there is more to do. So do more. See if the agitation - the fight - gets better or worse. If it's better, keep going. Worse? Try something else or change direction. Figure out who will serve as your reality check so you don't become a self-referencing justification machine.

[Jorja]

But the monologue still runs ... No time to shave this morning - will someone remember that? It's hot in here, if I unbutton a couple of buttons, is that going to draw attention to my boobs? How am I sitting - am I sprawling or compact? I'm starting to make too many jokes again ... that's compensating behavior. How am I going to carve out 15-20 minutes of silence to take my E? (I couldn't ... got only a few.). I wonder if anyone responded to the cd.com thread I was reading. Am I sitting straight? Maybe I don't need to participate in this part - maybe I'll zip over to a couple of FFS surgeon sites. I still need to contact that trans-friendly hairdresser who also does hair systems - maybe I'll do that next break.

ON and ON and ON and ON an ... I'm going to lose my mind!!!!

Oh ... Wait ... I'm not losing my mind!

Wow, if I had to live in that head I would slap the bitch and tell her to shut up. :)

[LeaP]

... I would slap the bitch and tell her to shut up. :)

Don't add to my monologue!!!!! :eek:

[GabbiSophia]

Wow, if I had to live in that head I would slap the bitch and tell her to shut up. :)

Actually even though the dialog is different the noise is still the same. It happens now when with friends or in meetings with people i have known for a long time... The main One is .... what are they going to do when they find out.. will they still be my friends .. will the work with me...her outfit is awesome i wish i could wear it .. how come she and they don't deal with this... ect

[LeaP]

I HOPE people realize that my monologue specifics were tongue in cheek. I can assure you that my thinking isn't quite THAT airheaded!

[GabbiSophia]

Suuuurrreeeee Lea we Believe you 100%. Blondes have more fun right?

[KellyJameson]

The noise is dangerous because you can become paralysed.

The problem with gender identity is it appears like it needs confirmation to be real so those who transition need to be seen to experience their gender as "real"

There is a difference between being respected and needing others to feel like what is believed about oneself is real and true.

There is the potential for a dangerous over dependancy that empowers others to control through their affirmation ones "gender identity" by their acceptance of it or not.

Negative internalized self talk as "noise" can lead you to the truth but also can take you away from it.

True and actual gender identity exists independant of anyone confirming it and you find it by going deep into the relationship you have always had with the self that has played out on the stage of life.

You find your "lost/stolen" gender identity through your history of feelings.

Thinking your way into gender identity is not possible because gender identity does not actually live in the conscious but below where it is not consciously accessible so you must come at gender identity side ways.

Thinking is a huge contributor to this noise. You must go into your feelings and particularly from the past because your actual gender identity is found in the past.

The internal dialog is that sifting through ones mind for the truth but you must separate yourself from needing or expecting anyone else from agreeing or seeing this truth.

Gender identity is extremely private and personal even though it is publicly shared.

You will know you have it because there will be a type of epiphany as if you have discovered a key that unlocks all the mysteries of your life that you could not answer from having lived "against yourself up to that point"

Once you reach this "point" as that place in your mind where you have this complete "understanding" it wil be very difficult "not to transition"

The hormones are part of what opens up the mind to this understanding because they take you back to that "before time" when your gender identity was born.

For transsexuals testosterone released during puberty attacks identity by changing the brain so by extension the mind as the mind "knows itself to be".

Go into your past for answers.

[Jorja]

I do hope everyone realizes I was trying to put some levity into the conversation with my comment. I remember those days all too well. It was kind of like being in a noisy restaurant at lunchtime and having a splitting headache. 300 conversations going on all at the same time and then you are having your own conversation with yourself. It never let up. For me, things really started to calm down shortly after transition. However, it was rather bothersome until I has GRS. Almost immediately, all that white noise was gone. It was almost scary because it was so quiet. I never had any more problems with the internal noise. I do still have an internal monologue but it is different. It is what I would call "normal" every day stuff
now.

[Rachel Smith]

Humor is a good thing Jorja.

Now for to Gabbi's OP. What I did was take a step if I felt better I took another and another and another as long as each one made ME feel better internally. You have an advantage having your own business because you most likely won't fire yourself. I started transitioned at 56, lost a lot but gained even more SANITY. Like you and so many others that went before and will come after it is ONLY our fear that stops us from doing what we feel necessary. I had two part-time jobs when I fully transitioned and and still have them but it does look as though finding a full-time job now will not happen. How much of that is due to transition and how much do to my age I do not know, a little of both perhaps.

Have faith in others because what I have found out is Lowe's doesn't care what my name is or how I dress and present myself as long as I am still professional in my work. You too may find out that people you do business won't care either as long as you still give them what they want in business. Look at the positives and don't let your fear control your decisions. Most of us have been there only to find out in the end that what we are or are not is not what our business associates care about.