How did you know you were ready to start transitioning?

[Shy_Confusion]

This question is for those that have transitioned or have begun to transition.

How did you know you were ready to start transitioning?

Here’s why I gave it it’s own thread instead of posting in the “Ask a Transsexual” thread. I have been seeing a gender therapist since March of this year, because I really NEEDED to talk to a professional about my personal issues. A lifetime of certain feelings and thoughts that I buried, denied, and tried to overcompensate for came back and blew up in my face. I couldn’t put it all back, and needed to deal with it responsibly. So I went to see a professional and hopefully sort through all of this to give me some inner peace and let me get back to life.
We talked about all of the fun stuff, all of the innocent stuff, all of the private little secrets I had tucked away, all of the dirty stuff, all of the dark and depressing stuff, and my life in general. I never lied, I never stretched the truth; and I only held back if I wasn’t comfortable talking about something at that point, and mentioned as such to her.
So we get to the last 5 minutes or so of my session this past Wednesday after talking about the “dirty stuff“, and she asks me “Do you ever think about transitioning?”. I answered honestly “Yeah. All the time.” I figured it was just a question to gauge my feelings and thoughts. Then she threw me for a loop, and asked “When do you think you’d be ready to start transition?”. I told her honestly; “I dunno.”
I feel conflicted. On one hand I feel like the answer is “NOW! Start right now!” and on the other hand I keep thinking “I’m just not ready yet.” But do you ever actually feel ready or do you just take a leap of faith?
I’d really like to hear what everyone has to say. I would really appreciate all the input I can get.


Hope I didn’t ramble too much.

[sandra-leigh]

Do you ever feel like just taking a drive? You get in your car (or on your bike), and you start going. You make some aimless turns. You see a place and you stop for a moment and grab a coffee and a donut. You keep driving. You see a garage sale and on a whim you get out and look at the LP's -- you used to play punk LP's while you were alone in the house when you were young, and you haven't had a player for years, but you look at the LP's "for old times sake". They have a record player for sale as well and you take a glance at it but it's clearly crap. You get back in/on your vehicle and continue onwards. You pass some flower gardens, pass a Big Chain Store that is advertising record players for $39, and you snort and say to yourself, "Yah, as if I would buy $40 worth of crap; when I buy an LP player, I want it to be a half-decent one". More random driving, and you say to yourself, "Besides, I have all those Compact Discs, what would I do with them? do I want to throw away my investment?" You're getting back close to home by now, and you say to yourself, "And I'd really need to buy better speakers too".

You went through that and... Well, congratulations, you're already in transition. From Compact Discs to LP in the story. Did you make the decision to go full forward? No. Did you decide you are willing to pay the costs? No. But you're already thinking about it. Is it certain that you must be one or the other exclusively, a Compact Disc person or an LP person? No, that's not resolved yet. But thinking about it is part of the transition. You might stop at some point and decide you are satisfied with what you have. You might stop at some point and decide that you have too much investment in your Compact Discs to lose. You might stop at some point and decide you are too afraid of looking like you are a "hipster". But it's on your mind.

You don't think of yourself as being in transition? Then when does the transition start for you? Is it the moment when you buy the LP player? When you buy the new amp and speakers? When you renovate to make your music cave? Is it the moment when you start reading reviews? Is it the moment when you start consulting with the high-end sales-and-installation audio shop?

I would put it to you that "transition" includes all the time you are thinking about the change. Maybe nothing will come of it. Maybe it will get to the point where everywhere you go, the sound systems will drive you crazy, with your reaction varying between "What rot!" and "Geez I wish I could have that". Maybe you'll go through a few different models from "The Sound System Within" and a prosumer outfit from The Waveform Store thinking that those are amusing overkill indulgences only to find that they aren't enough. Or maybe they turn out to be. It's all "transition".

I am in MTF transition. I have no idea whether I will ever have SRS; it doesn't have much attraction at this time, but there is no reason for me to say "Never"; who knows how I might feel in 5 years? I have already requested a gender marker change from one level of government, but their rules turned out to be out of date -- but I tried. I'm waiting now on some legislation to pass with regards to birth certificate changes. It would be wrong to think that my transition will not start until SRS, or until a gender marker change. It would also be incorrect to think that my transition did not start until I resolved that any future employment or relationship I have will have to begin with the fact that I am not male and will not pretend to be. Those are steps in transition, but they aren't where transition started.

If there must be a dividing line between not-transition and transition for me, it would, I guess, be the point at which I stopped asking "How do I get rid of this?" and started asking "How do I live with this?" To me, the time before was part of the process, but I think it pretty clear that once you start proceeding with living with your gender difference, then you are in transition. There is no fixed end-point; there is just when changing further stops mattering to you.

[Rianna Humble]

I had been fighting the knowledge of who I am for nearly half a century, then it all blew up in my face and at 3 a.m. one day in 2009, I had to make a choice between playing hopscotch on a 500 volt live rail or admitting who I am. Even then, I thought I could cope by occasional cross-dressing (more fool me).

Xmas 2009, a work colleague asked me why I was wearing a suit to the staff party (mandatory for male staff) rather than a dress. From that moment I started to go into meltdown as I finally accepted that I couldn't hold off much longer.

Circumstances prevented me from doing anything until mid-May 2010 and that seemed to be the longest 5 months of my life.

By the time that I sought professional help, I knew that I couldn't keep up the pretense mutch longer. Although some members of this forum don't understand, I had got to the point where being forced by circumstances to dress as a man made me physically sick. When I told the psychiatrist about this whilst I was being screened for any mental illness that might need treating at the same time, she helped me to understand what was happening to me.

For administrative reasons at work, we decided to set the start of my transition for 1st July 2010.

All this to say that I knew I was ready because living as a man had not only become intolerable but was actually making me ill.

[Aprilrain]

It was when I was finally certain "this" wasn't going to go away. The next thought was, I don't want to be doing "this" when I'm 40 or 50! I was already 34 and had decided 5 years earlier that I was too old to transition, HA! If only I'd known at 29 what I know now! All the certainty I needed was the absolute knowledge that "this" wasn't going to leave me alone, once I had that I couldn't transition fast enough.

[LeaP]

When decisions started becoming obvious and not tortured logic.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't think I was ever"ready" it kinda started happening and I couldn't stop it

[Karren J]

Sandra-Leigh that could be the best thing I have ever read on this site yet. You just wrote out in clear text the sum of all the crap bouncing around in my head like popcorn in a popper. Thank you. I've been dancing along the mental tightrope trying to decide what should I do, what can I do since before I joined. I'd never thought of it quite that way before and it makes things much clearer. I am an introvert's introvert so I'm going to think on this one a bit before planning and acting but thanks again for the clear thought.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Right.

It's a decision that quite often finds you. I recall very specifically the article I read that took my knees out although I "fought" for a couple years, it was to no avail and pretty much knew it was going to be to no avail...

I thought about the same things as you do in the original post...what is right? am I really transsexual? do I really have to transition? what about ..(kids/family/money/health/friends)...how to deal with (fear/shame/guilt)...will I be humiliated? what about my appearance? my hair? my voice?...on and on....

after that article I started to think about the practical realities and got my h ead out of the clouds they were in before...

[GabbiSophia]

Yes but that moment is what kaitlyn? When you are standing in front of all those questions and not just one? I relate to the op and can tell you I feel i have a ton more knowledge then when I started but feel further away from myself then i did then.

[stefan37]

The time is right when you can fully accept and embrace who you are. That realization and acceptance will then allow you to develop a plan of action. Expect your life to change and change quite dramatically. That is the whole point of transition.

If you are unwilling to accept change then you will continue to experience conflict. There is a comfort zone in your life in many ways and that zone will crumble as you change and you will enter a new zone and become comfortable only to push the bubble and move to a new zone.

[LeaP]

Yes but that moment is what kaitlyn? ... i have a ton more knowledge then when I started but feel further away from myself then i did then.

There was no predicting the moment for me, and wasn't a sudden moment anyway. It was a growing sense of the obvious over a period of about a month or so. I think it was more associated to shedding the issues and depression that had buried me more than anything else.

[Angela Campbell]

That is the difficult part. It is frightening, awkward, difficult, embarrassing, painful, and lots of other unpleasant things. It is smart to question whether you are ready. You will know.

[Stephania]

I had questions that went thru my mind. Many. Friends, family, etc. and problems caused by transition. Then there were the 3. I'm to old (55 at the time), I'm to tall, and my voice is to deep. My voice I can change, but unfortunately I have precancer of the throat so it hurts me o change my pitch. But those 3, when I decided I could live as a woman with them 3 problems, I knew it was time to transition.
Stephania

[becky77]

There are lots of answers, when you can't live as a man any longer, when you recognise your life is a caged hell and the risk of transitioning is less than the risk of not, when all the denial is stripped away and you accept yourself etc etc.

But the answer is you just know!

[Stephania]

I agree with Becky. You do just know.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Gabbi what does it mean to you to say that you are further away from yourself??

[KellyJameson]

I know you use the word transtioning as the physical act of transitioning such as starting hormones but there is the other transitioning that lives in the mind that finally bursts forth out into the physical world.

This is the child who needs to crossdress to see themselves as they know themselves to be.

Or the child that escapes into fantasy because that is the only place where they can create the reality that matches their own known truth.

All through my childhood, teens and well into my twenties I was trying to give birth to this knowledge by "becoming what I knew I was" while at the same time trying to control or kill it.

I think many who transition later in life were just better at killing their identity longer than I was able to but it is always trying to be born and lived.

Killing it just turns it into some kind of Zombie but it is still alive.

There are always consequences to suppressing gender identity, as if you are punished for not being true to yourself.

Maybe some are better at escaping this punishment temporarily or they find ways to punish themselves as an expression of living against themselves but gender identity eats at you until it is recognized.

In many different ways I started and stopped "informal" transitioning as what I was doing to myself "outside the formal medical system" as part of this internal struggle and I was already in the formal process as a continuation of this struggle to simply find relief from what I could not understand before I had the experience of "being ready"

If I had waited to be ready I would still be waiting but it was never a question of being ready but simply the need to escape what for me was a life long obsession to "be my truth"

I needed my mind to "be quiet" because I was exhausted from it never "being quiet"

Regardless of what I told the therapists who are very easy to deceive, I began transitioning not because I believed I was a woman but something inside me told me that was the door I needed to walk through if I wanted inner peace.

I reached a point where I would have done anything to get that inner peace including dying

The identity that was always in me was not known to me because I could not experience it until I actually began to live it so I realized "after the fact" but before surgery that "yes this is who I am" which is why real life experience is so important.

In my opinion you find out you are ready "inside of transitioning" and not "outside of it"

I used myself as a type of human guinea pig and said what I needed to say to make that happen.

I found out I could swim after jumping into the deep end of the pool because I love water.

Transitioning is a process of self discovery that confirms what you always knew to be true.

[Nicole Erin]

I kind of faded into living full time. At one point I had no job, lived with a relative, was divorced, etc. I changed my name Dec of that year and from then on, full time.
I guess for some, they just start full time one day. For me, it was a matter of doing this more and more until it was just who I was.

[JuliaC]

I feel as though it is time for me to start transitioning but I feel like I need something to happen to push me over the edge. I mean I have accepted the fact that I will be happier if I transition. My issue is that there is nothing in my life that has been bad enough to make me have to transtion. I am just not sure if I want to wait till I need to transition to start.

[Christina Sevilla]

I became ready just last month. Eversince i was a kid i wanted to be a woman. Started out with wearing panties and then dresses when I was alone and would sometimes wear panties under my jeans. Fast forward to May 2014 when I finally decided to transition since I can no longer stand being male. I then began seeing a gender therapist and decided to start libing full time once the effects of HRT. On May 30 i decided to visit a salon to have my hair styled and prepare it to grow longer amd had my eyebroes waxed. From this day i have been dressing as a woman 24/7 and only wore male clothing once for less thank 2 hours. Only thing i regret is not transitioning at an earlier age.

[Inna]

when the burden of congruity outweighs the burden of conformity.
Inch by inch we let the light to come into the halls of true self, the more light fulfills the room, the more true features become obvious.
Once present, you can shut the curtains but from there on, the image of truth remains embedded in your psyche, deceit no longer has the upper hand, slowly it crumbles and gives way to truth.

Such is the transition, not a joyous single event, but the unraveling world of self unwrapped, unclothed, uncompromisable!!!

[PretzelGirl]

There are a lot of ways to look at it to me. The "know" could be sub-conscious where you start making little changes to set yourself up. The "know" could be when you start looking out saying "If I was to transition, this is what I would do". The "know" could be when you make that first step, whether it be a therapist appointment, doctor appointment, or whatever. The first two are a little more vague with the third being a definitive step. There could be a lot of other ways it feels like your know.

I think I knew a year and a half ago. I started checking out local therapists and then life went really nuts. I had a medical issue wake me up out of that and I went back to therapist searching. When I went to him, I said I was at a turning point and wasn't sure. Two and a half months later, I verbalized that I was starting. I really started long before that, I just struggled to admit it to myself.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I think my experience differs somewhat from the usual narrative. Looking back now I would say I had been genderqueer for a long time. For years, my (ex) wife and I would go out for dinners, movies etc and I would be partially dressed female. But as time went on, I wanted more and more, but she didn't like it so I tried to suppress my urges. About 15 years ago, (why didn't I just get on with it then?) I started researching gender therapists. I made a list and resolved to call them. But like most resolutions, I failed to keep this one. Finally, three years ago, I made the call to a local clinic that specializes in LGBT care. I had to wait three months for an appointment. In the meantime, I found a local TG support group and ventured out. That's when it hit me. I didn't just want more, I needed it. But I was married and had an established life I didn't want to lose. I talked with my therapist and struggled for over a year trying to come up with a compromise where none could be found. Finally, my wife had enough. She called off couples counseling and declared she wanted out. I spent a month or two grieving the loss of my marriage, but then realized there was nothing holding me back anymore. I asked my therapist for the "letter" for HRT and he agreed that I had given reasonable consideration to all the pros and cons of taking that step.

So when did I know I was ready? In my mind it was when the major obstacles (marriage) were no longer a consequence.

[Suzanne F]

It's funny this post made me realize it already has started. I am now out to all my children. Last night was the first time I was out in public as myself with my son. My psychiatrist last week reiterated that if I decide to begin hormones he will write the letter. My therapist is also ready to write the letter. My wife seems to accept that I am Suzanne. I guess it remains to be seen how it will look. Anyway I am in a good place today! It has begun and I am happy.
Suzanne

[mikiSJ]

Good for you, Suzanne!!:)

[GabbiSophia]

The more you know the less you know kaitlyn. I do not have anything throwing me on the railroad tracks but there is a constant who am I question. I like myself as I am and yet I want and long to transition. I have nothing pushing me over the edge yet I feel like i am. The constant who am I where am I going is and has pretty much taken over. Who will i become is a thought also. I so get the op ... it's like looking through a window and wanting to be on The other side but still liking the warmth of the house you are in.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If you think of it as a window, and if you read the posts carefully you will find that in pretty much every case, the other side comes to you.

As long as you can say the words "i like myself as I am", then run away from transition... it will keep coming at you if that's the way its gonna go

[GabbiSophia]

That is the issue now kaitlyn... no matter how much i like love want wish for this life it keeps coming...and it is knocking stronger everyday... that's the part i don't know me anymore...i can see why dark thoughts can creep in...i feel like i loose no matter the choice...and i hate losing.. you had that same thing from what I have read...what changed? Did it just hit you like a freight train... i guess I am waiting for something g to push me ...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yes like a juggernaut it hit me...although it hit kind of slow...

The cliché is real...the bell gets rung, the horse leaves the barn.. and that is that...

you have to make a change....the thoughts will just keep coming and they will likely get worse if you try to do nothing.. in hindsight for me, it may not even be that the thoughts got worse or more frequent...it was also that I simply started to notice them...it was that I realized that I was not paying any attention to anything other than gender thoughts...the thoughts were making me suffer...

it made me really sad because I know that in my private moments my thoughts turned to gender whenever I was alone... for 40 years I quietly thought of nothing but wishing I was a girl and I held it down so deep...... and then at some point I just couldn't do it anymore...it made me so sad to think of myself at 12, 21, 35 years old... and just missing out on everything because I was never really present in the moment...
I was just passing time until I could be alone again

[sandra-leigh]

If I had waited to be ready I would still be waiting but it was never a question of being ready but simply the need to escape what for me was a life long obsession to "be my truth" [...]

In my opinion you find out you are ready "inside of transitioning" and not "outside of it"

:yt: Transition is the whole series of experiments along the route. Including the ones that fail. You start to feel naked without lipstick but you discover that wearing a wig "feels like a lie"? You couldn't have known until you tried. You don't decide rationally what you are going to enjoy or not: you experience life and let yourself discover how you are going to live.


I feel as though it is time for me to start transitioning but I feel like I need something to happen to push me over the edge. I mean I have accepted the fact that I will be happier if I transition. My issue is that there is nothing in my life that has been bad enough to make me have to transtion. I am just not sure if I want to wait till I need to transition to start.

I had some symptoms last year that could have been indicating something serious. When I asked myself, "Oh no, what am I going to do if they say that it's cancer and that I only have a year to live?", I immediately answered myself, "I'd change my name, I would get implants, and I would live full time as a woman." And then I repeated the same question but given 5 years to live instead of 1, and my answer was "Well maybe I would take a bit more time in chosing the implants, but I would still change my name, get implants, and live as a woman." A bit later, when I reflected on that self-conversation, I realized that what I was telling myself was that I do want to transition, but that I was sort of "looking for an excuse", some reason to transition where people wouldn't "blame me" -- like, who is going to be hard on someone taking their last hurrah before dying?

Are you holding off on transition because it seems like a horrid thing, and what you want is enough notice to get over to the other shore at the last possible "safe landing" moment? Or are you (like I was) looking for an excuse, a "reason" you can give to people who might give you a hard time?



As long as you can say the words "i like myself as I am", then run away from transition... it will keep coming at you if that's the way its gonna go

I would not agree on this point. You can "like yourself" all the way through transition, and yet be finding that the old ways don't work for you anymore.

[PaulaQ]

I knew it was time to start transition when my life as a man was so intolerable to me that I could barely function as one in my daily life at home and at work. I barely clung on to the will to live my life as a man - I wanted to die. I hated myself, I hated my body, and the only moments I had any small respite from misery was when I presented as a woman. I was wracked with gender related anxiety and depression.

I don't think there's much "being ready for transition." It's a challenge unlike anything you've ever experienced, and not a lot can prepare you for what you may face. I did know with certainty, though, that a life post transition where I lost everything would still be superior to my life as a man.

[becky77]

I don't think it's always a conscious step or planned out, it can be the conclusion of many steps. When I met my gender therapist for the first time, he said I was well into transition. I thought I was just about to start.
Is it possible transition starts that moment you go from inactive victim, to doing something about it. Some people go through their lives dabbling with the idea of transition but continue to play safe. I don't mean that as an insult but when you're ready to transition, you have reached an acceptance within yourself and that acceptance includes the possibility of losing everyone and everything, because you have to be true to yourself.
We are all different, so there is no right answer, but I never sat and considered transition it was never an option. Transition became the answer to my problem and it was like a lightbulb moment, from then on I knew what to do.

No one 'wants' to transition, you 'need' to transition. If the need isn't there your not ready.

[Shy_Confusion]

Just wanted to quickly say I haven't abandoned the thread. I've read all of the replies, and will continue to read the replies. Thank you to everybody that's chimed in. It's starting to become obvious to me why I'm not ready yet. I'll share in case somebody can identify.

Until I was 11 I primarily played with the girls at school. When we hit 5th grade, the girls started talking about boys all the time. I've never been interested in boys, so I stopped hanging around. I made the decision that I wanted to be like the other boys. I've been trying to be like the other boys for 25 years. I continually built a masculine front to hide all of my femininity behind in an effort to be "normal". Now all of that facade is starting to crumble, but it's not completely gone. Even now I'm not ecstatic about being male or even pretending to be male, but it hasn't become absolutely unbearable yet. When all of that false front is gone, and I really see who I am, I think that's when I'll be ready.

[LeaP]

No one 'wants' to transition, you 'need' to transition. If the need isn't there your not ready.

Agree on the latter. The distinction between need and want, however, becomes all but impossible to perceive.

[StephanieC]

I loved the answer from Sandra Leigh...I think it was very much the same for me...low and slow. But it seemed to accelerate after my accident in 2007 and another nudge after my dad died in 2010.

I'm very much trying to approach this as many young people today seem to do: take each day at a time.

[I Am Paula]

My experience was much like Rianna. Putting up the pretense of being a man became increasingly difficult. The thought of doing guy mode started making me sick. Trying to put on a pair of guy jeans would make me cry uncontrollably.
It got so bad that GD had taken control of my life. I like to be the one in control of my own life, so I knew it was getting bad.
Instantly, like in the movies when the clock strikes the hour, one day I knew it was time. One minute I could fight another day, and the next I knew I couldn't.
As soon as I called my Dr., I started feeling better. The feeling that at least I was getting the ball rolling brought some relief.
That was thirteen months ago. I have had a wonderful year, and, although I regret starting sooner, fully plan on making the rest of my life the best time of my life.

[Kimberly Kael]

I knew it was time when I couldn't imagine living any other way, and I had done my due diligence educating myself on what to expect. For me that meant accepting the fact that it might cost me my marriage (though I'm enormously thankful that it hasn't), my career (ditto), that it would mean choosing where and when to venture out with more care, and that would strain family relationships. Transition is an enormous challenge with few benefits, but for some those benefits are worth just about any sacrifice. Those are the ones who come out the other side happier and healthier. Of course some of them die of medical complications along the way. If you haven't given these issues some serious thought then it's time you started.

If you have, and you still think it's the right direction to take in life, then you've already set one foot on the path. Best wishes however you proceed!

[Jorja]

I knew I was going to transition when I was ten years old. I had read an article about Christine Jorgensen and knew it could really be done. That was the defining moment for me. It took another twelve years to get out on my own. Once I was free from family, I never looked back.

[I Am Paula]

Jorja, An article about Christine Jorgensen was where I first got the idea it could be done. That image kept me going for a long, long time. When my sister suggested it was time to transition, I said I couldn't just suddenly change sex. Suddenly? I had been thinking about it for 35 years! Oh, the power of denial.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's funny Paula I remember reading about her too...and Jan Morris...

I recall "wishing" I was like them... why can't I be a transsexual just like them??? That's how deeply I buried this whole thing... I'd read the parts in Conundrum about her transition over and over and then for the rest of the day act like it never happened.

[Jorja]

What was most important to me was the fact it could actually be done. I research and learned everything I could about SRS over the years. I went full time in March of 1980. I had done (in my opinion) a dumb thing by joining the Navy as a one last effort to be a "man". It didn't work. March 20, 1980 I was honorably discharged from the Navy. March 21st I went full time (I had been dressing all along on my off time).

[Janelle_C]

I spent 52 years in my closet, the fear and same was what made it possible to push my feelings down. Thank God my wife was okay with me dressing at home. I would spend most my time at home free to be me, but with locked doors and all the blinds closed. It became harder and harder to decide to go out and do things or stay in my closet.
So I started therapy and the shame went away very fast but the fear about possibly losing everything took a lot longer. For me once the shame went away the GD became worse. I think once I wasn't ashamed of myself and realized that there was nothing wrong we me feeling it was okay to want what I wanted. The GD started to become 24/7.
I was praying every night for God to just take me. I was so afraid of losing my wife of 32 years my kids, my grandchildren. I didn't feel strong enough to make that decision. I knew I was one step away from asking God to take me, from me doing it myself. So I sucked it up and started to have the hardest conversations in my life.
One more thing I used to ask myself am I to old to do this? Now at 54 I out lived both my parents. I used to think I don't know how long I have. But I can say with all my heart if I live just till tomorrow it was worth it, and if I live 20 more years it is really worth it. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to get up and just be me.
I hope the best for you Shy take all the time you need. Janelle