Breaking the work barrier

[PretzelGirl]

When it comes to my anxieties as I come out, and the possible outcomes, my greatest worry is family and then it is work. The family is a work in progress (telling my Mom in three weeks on July 4th = fireworks!) but work was always put off until mid-September when I will tell my boss and then the dominos can fall.

There is one guy at work that about a year ago, I saw him in a local pride picture on Facebook. So I did a little on-line research (is it stalking if you have good intentions?) and found that he was at least sympathetic if not LGBT himself, was in an acceptance advertisement, and was a director at a state level LGBT Advocacy Organization; maybe our biggest one in Utah. I never talked with him before as I was staying true to waiting until I told my boss. It is interesting as the last two Pride Festivals, I saw I was approaching him and took a wide berth to avoid him and then I found this out.

So this year I planned on going to the Trans Rally/March that precedes the Pride Festival. It was posted on Facebook as an event and I joined it and looked at the participants and there he was. So I started mulling over ending the games and talking with him. We do talk a lot at work and he is a very friendly guy, so I wouldn't just be dumping on a stranger. I also saw a friend who is ahead of me in transition on that list and contacted her about meeting up there and she agreed. The friendship is now rekindled and moreso than in the past.

Anyway, I get to the rally and don't see him anywhere. After a while I glance over my left shoulder and he is a few feet away. I look at my friend and ask if I should and she gives me a smile and a gentle push. So I walked up to him and removed my sunglasses and he got a big grin. It was a great talk. He is still a director with that group. We had a very long talk about diversity at work and plans he had for what he wanted to do. I threw my hat in the ring and said I was willing to help in the background and help with anything once I told work my plans. He did tell me that he thinks there won't be a problem with the company and he believes they are very LGBT friendly. I was glad I choose him to be the first one to talk to.

Now the irony. As I was talking with him, I saw another guy from work that I worked with daily and we talked on the side often. He had on a t-shirt for the same organization as the first guy and was going around getting petition signatures. Looks like he is friendly too. What is ironic? A little over a year ago we were talking about people leaving the company (we have had multiple layoffs and lost others who bolted), and he made a reference to the "two trannies" who were gone, which meant our two people who transitioned on the job. Back then I was thinking that his day was coming when I would be educating him. He was gone before I was done talking with the first guy or else I might have just told him. But a quick look at his Facebook and I see his avatar is a "Scouts for Equality" symbol, so there probably isn't a problem there. Maybe some education.... :D

So the anxiety for work has lessened just a little.

[Raychel]

Awesome story Sue. Sounds like a lot of stressing in your life for no real reason.
It is great to hear that more and more people are accepting and working towards a good cause.

Thanks for sharing your story. :hugs:

[KellyJameson]

It can be difficult to know exactly where a persons head is at concerning transsexuals when you hear them use the word "trannies"

Sometimes it is loaded emotionally with disgust and contempt but other times it is a neutral label they use from the need to put everything into a category

Transitioning at work is a "political act" where you may be used as a symbol by the company to appear progressive and accepting but in the end it always comes down to the company being a money making enterprise and your value to make them money or prevent them from making money will be a strong influence as the company bumps up against laws and image.

Depending how many people are uncomfortable with you and if this is perceived as being disruptive, that will work against you.

In some ways it is like being back in high school with all the gossip and intrigue and the larger the company the larger the gossip pool to draw from.

I work in a lab and most of the technicians are women and often from another country and it was largely a non event but I have zero interaction with the public and I have a very good reputation for doing quality work.

I positioned myself in a work field to have the freedom to be "different" because I already knew that people sensed this about me, before I myself knew where it was going to take me or even what I was.

My work, as everything else, were survival methods by the choice of environments I exposed myself to because of being transsexual before I had the words or the willingness to define myself as such so it was automatic and instinctual.

Try to make a safe environment for yourself by the relationships you create so that like a cocoon you build, you can "transition as safely inside of it as possible"

As much as possible everything in your world should be this cocoon that you spin for yourself.

It will dramatically reduce the stress and risk.

[PretzelGirl]

Yes Kelly, we are only as good as what we have done today. I have done quite well in this company and have advanced well past my education level. I interact with Directors daily and VPs and customers regularly. I am told by all that I am well respected. All that has bought me some room that can go away in a hurry. I am aligning my thinking to where I need to be performing a little better than I am now. A drop in performance could easily be fatal. Coming on real strong could be met with some pushback. Status quo may work but I may need to add a little just to have the appearance of status quo.

All in all, I will have anxiety as I am wired that way. But the company is a federal contractor and there have been the two before me, although the last transition was in 2004. So it has been a while. So I plan and leverage what is available and then we shall see.

[Rogina B]

I positioned myself in a work field to have the freedom to be "different" because I already knew that people sensed this about me, before I myself knew where it was going to take me or even what I was.

My work, as everything else, were survival methods by the choice of environments I exposed myself to because of being transsexual before I had the words or the willingness to define myself as such so it was automatic and instinctual.

Try to make a safe environment for yourself by the relationships you create so that like a cocoon you build, you can "transition as safely inside of it as possible"

As much as possible everything in your world should be this cocoon that you spin for yourself.

It will dramatically reduce the stress and risk.
Well put! It seems to me that pre positioning your work situation goes a long way toward an easier work transition.."A bit strange,but does great work" certainly is better than "over compensating" as a male with a big work/social circle whereby many will feel they were deceived when the truth comes out..

[Badtranny]

But a quick look at his Facebook and I see his avatar is a "Scouts for Equality" symbol, so there probably isn't a problem there. Maybe some education....

I wish you the best, but don't you think it's odd that a closeted person like yourself feels like you need to educate an ally who is openly supporting GLBT equality? Collecting petitions no less.

How many closet cases on this forum would EVER be openly supportive of the queer community?

So he called a couple of T-girls trannies? I guess in the current politically correct environment he might qualify for re-education, I just think it's funny that people who aren't even out are calling people out.

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm glad to hear you're getting less anxious about the process of coming out at work. You have to approach the process with a certain amount of confidence to show others you expect to be treated with respect. It's also important to recognize that your transition is an unexpected challenge for everyone else. They'll need to wrestle with preconceptions, re-learn proper forms of address, and wonder how their interaction with you is being judged by co-workers. That may not sound like your problem – but it has a way of becoming your problem if you don't deal with it gracefully. You've taken a great first step by identifying potential allies. Talk to them and listen. As Melissa points out, they have a lot more practical experience than you do with the process of changing minds.

[PretzelGirl]

Fair question Melissa given the current discussions going on everywhere. As these discussions have been going on, I have taken the time to reevaluate my position on the word tranny. I decided that I wasn't changing how I felt. What that is, is that I don't get offended by its use directly. When someone else is trying to offend you, you can tell from the way they use a word, tone of voice, or facial expressions.

So I am not opposed to the word myself as I am just not easily offended and it has served me well. But the "education" is the same thing I did with my brother. When I came out to him, he was accepting faster than I could finish talking. But he said that the only thing he was worried about was offending me with his choice of words. I told him that I could never be offended by him, but if he said something that could be considered offensive to another, I would let him know as I wouldn't want my allowing him to use a word or phrase setup him up for the ire of another. And this is the same for my friend. I wasn't offended, but I want him to be aware that it could be so to others.

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An addendum since I had the last post.

I went to work today and had some things to resolve with him. So I thought what the heck and told him that I was planning on saying hi to him at the park, but he was gone when I got done talking with someone else. He said that he was busy getting petitions signed and then looked at me and asked why I was there. I told him I was there because I belonged there. He got the aha look and then told me he was about to be out as openly gay. We had a good, quick chat about how he got to that point and broke it up saying we would have to run out to lunch together. He did start naming off areas with GLB people in it that he knew of including two in HR. So the picture becomes a little clearer.