Cannot really sum up the number of steps now can we?

[Nicole Erin]

I do not know what got me thinking of this but I was kind of reflecting on my earliest days of being actively transgender.

I was just thinking of the first time when I was 22 and thought, "I will have the place to myself for three weeks, I wonder what it is like to dress completely as a woman?"
I thought about how I knew almost nothing, about stumbling nervously around the thrift store looking for stuff to try on that may fit and noting the sizes. The first time I bought some really crappy book about how to CD (oh it was a real POS, worst money I ever spent). At the time I was grasping for ANYthing to help me learn how to do this "being a transgender" thing. I didn't have the net back then. Trying to figure it out was a nightmare. Figured out enough to put together my first "look".

So how do I hide this? OK I cannot hide it forever, how do I come out? WHO do I come out to?
And what about all these weird labels for males who live as women to varying degrees? Oh wasn't that a hoot trying to figure out. And of course the club scene.
Then the emotions set in. Concerns about being accepted by other transgenders. All this advice about hormones, therapy, surgeries etc in order to have a "Better" life as a woman. Being told you will not pass or be taken serious without spending tons of money to go get cut up.

So then you drudge through all this crap in self discovery, thinking you won't have some "ideal" life without this or that.

For me - surgeries are not an option. And by now, it just doesn't matter. I can dress how I want and when I want. Right now my hair is a wreck, I am in a cheap nightie, no makeup, etc. But tomorrow will be different! I get to put on a nice blouse, capris, get made up, do my hair, and then a fun outing to my job where I will stare at my watch waiting for the hours to drag by. Isn't that fun? It will be just like the 1,000 times before! Dress pretty and go to work and wait for quitting time! AND like the 1,000 times before, no one will say anything about my appearance except maybe "I love that color on your nails!" to which I will say "They are fake".

All I am saying is this journey has a lot of weird steps and could take years. It took me 14 years before this all became normal. There were some stagnant years here and there. The bad expereinces become little more than annoying background noise, kind of like when the radio plays one of Adele's songs for the umpteenth time. You hear it, it annoys for a moment, and is then forgotten.

I worry and obsess over certain things, none of them have anything to do with living as a woman. I do not think much about it these days.

Once you find your own path, you come put on the other end no different than before. And everything is alright.

[JenniferZ2009]

Thanks for the post. I'm kinda am/was in one of those stagnant years. Life has not been ideal. I still feel like my male pattern baldness (can pass but barely) is preventing me from living that "ideal life". I have an expensive human hair hairpiece that is about 2 years old now (starting to fall apart).

Its been 5 years into transition and life just goes on. I kinda felt lost once I had hit all the normal milestones. Now a few years later I am back to trying again.

Well it felt good to hear someone else is kinda going through the same thing as me and feels the same way about it.

[Starling]

After years of confusion and self-hate, and finally taking the plunge into gender therapy, HRT, electrolysis and coming out as trans to my SO and a small circle of friends, I got stuck one step into transition. Now, I believe the stress of living as a man is more risky than HRT and losing friends and loved ones, and I'm about ready to damn the torpedoes. Please make room on the life raft.

:) Lallie

[Jorja]

Let's see now, as I recall there were 647 steps to the west, 234 to the south, 467 north, and 65 east. We were looking for Blackbeard's buried treasure weren't we?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Think pinball....lots of movement..lots of chaos...lots of speed..hard to follow what's really going on...
.and sometimes you end up down the drain...then you get shot right back into the game whether you like it or not!

[Angela Campbell]

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, put your left foot in, and you shake it all about

[LeaP]

Think pinball....

You're dating yourself, Kaitlyn!

In the spirit of antique games, though, as well as dating myself, I'll reach back through the decades to a particular arcade at Paragon Park, where there was a row of 5-cent pinball machines, at the front where the row of garage doors opened onto the walk, the vista across the street being an ocean view across Nantasket beach, and the breeze and sun reaching into the arcade. You could find me there from the chill of mid spring, though the summer heat, when only the fans cooled the place (there being no AC), until the cold winds finally forced the doors shut for the winter. I didn't like it in winter, though open. It was like being alone in a sleeping world in a dream.

I gravitated toward a couple of machines because I was GOOD at them. I could play for hours on a nickel if I wanted, finally abandoning the flippers with hundreds of games left accumulated. Feather the catapult, hold the upper flipper up while I shade the ball just so into the ramp, redirecting it into the timed launch pit, after which it would come down just so, where I could send it off down a perfect zig-zag path between the side bumpers. How many times can I return that ball? 5? 50? Mastery. Satisfaction. After which I could walk the beach like I owned it, calm and collected.

The games changed over time. Asteroids - got pretty good at that, too. Space Invaders - ditto. Missile attack - check. Pac Man? Pffff - for the girls, and I wasn't about to go there with a bunch of teenage guys. But somewhere smack in the middle of my teens and in the span of a few years, all of these beloved, much-remembered classics became passé.

Years passed - finally, using Erin's words, I found myself in a crisis of discovery, not just looking for the ideal path, but completely off any path. And my game? Any naturalness and ease of finding it has gone, never mind mastering one. So what do I do? Give up? Find a game I can play but don't really like much? Whoops ... that IS the crisis' root cause.

The game changes over time. As does our apparent ability master it. While we can't rework the past, the good news is that we can renew. The ability to master the game comes back with it.

14 years, Erin! I admire your resolve.

[Jorja]

Pinball??? All we had were sticks and mud pies.:)

[Nicole Erin]

Jorja - Blackbeard had electrolysis. Didn't you know that? He too struggled with G.D. He changed his name to LaRikah Da Shipsinka. They didn't have HRT back then so he had to drink the blood of a female goat.

Arguing of pinball - LeaP and Kaitlyn will never beat the pinball wizard! You two don't know how he does it, or what makes him so good. Can't see no lights flashing, cant head no buzzards or bells...
Had to do it, I have been on a "The Who" kick for a few days.

Angela - ain't heard that since my days of roller skating. NOW when I go, I get called "Ma'am". Oh and believe me, it does NOT make me feel giddy since the ones saying it are a bit younger. Like, "Who is this old bat at our rink?" Kids fall and everyone laughs. I fall and everyone freaks out.

Sterling - Yeah once you get there it is great. You kind of forget about all the stress of being TG. Instead, you go back to what you loved before. Things like - being nostalgic about pinball (or video games in my youth), trying to help bring back the cassette, and just other things that will come to mind once the G.D. dissolves.

[Angela Campbell]

Guess I'm dating both of us

[PretzelGirl]

Jorja - Blackbeard had electrolysis. Didn't you know that? He too struggled with G.D. He changed his name to LaRikah Da Shipsinka. They didn't have HRT back then so he had to drink the blood of a female goat.

At least he already had an ear pierced.