thinking about transitioning, advice needed

[typhoidmary]

Hi, first off I want to apologise in advance if I'm rambling or not making much sense... these thoughts have been coming up more and more in my head in the last couple months and I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to IRL about this so I'm hoping I can get some advice here.

I think the biggest thing that makes me think I should do this is, what do I have to lose? I'm basically a full time, out of the closet crossdresser. I get asked quite often whether I'm a transsexual, usually after the other person hears me speak. I've wished I was born a girl for a long time now. More than that though, I'm still young (nearly 24) and as it stands, my life really isn't going anywhere and hasn't been for years. I've been single over a year now with no prospects of that changing anytime soon, none of the relationships I've been in have lasted even that long and they've all been unhappy. I'm pretty much heterosexual and surprisingly enough, women aren't exactly busting my door down to be with someone who looks like a girl. Maybe my sexuality would change? I can find men attractive if they're pretty enough, but in my current state I don't enjoy sex with another guy, it just doesn't work for me. It seems like nothing I'm generally happy with in my life (my music, how I look) would be negatively affected by transitioning, and all the things I'm unhappy with (my gender issues, my love life) would at least be different, and I'm not exactly going to change much by sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

But then, it's all kind of a risk... I don't know everything about what it is to change gender or even close. I do know it takes a long time. I do know that there's a lot of people out there who have a problem with it, and as much as I've developed a thick skin for it, I'm sure the kind of abuse I get in the street is nothing compared to what a lot of transsexuals are put through. There's also my family... I know by and large, they'd be supportive but wearing makeup and women's clothes has never sat right with my dad, and it's been tough trying to keep any form of relationship with him because of that. I don't know if it would really improve my life even if I do feel I'm not who I should have been, or make it worse. at the same time though at least it would be a change.

There's a lot more but I don't want to go on forever about should I or shouldn't I. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated, thanks for reading.

[Alexis.j]

Well, you will probably get some hard responses for some here, but that goes with the territory.
But in the end, it boils down to the following:
I you cannot live as your current gender or its causing you severe depression/dysphoria, then only would I say you should look into the options.
But as "why not do it, you have nothing to lose", is not the reason.

[typhoidmary]

Thanks for replying Alexis. I know what you mean... I should say that that isn't my main reason for wanting to do it, it's just a factor. The main thing is that lately I feel less and less like who I should be, or want to be, because of my gender. Things like, how it doesn't sit right with me when people refer to me as "him" or "a man", even though technically they're right, it just sounds wrong to me. I'm not really quite sure how to express how I'm feeling right now so I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense or if I inadvertently offend anyone. I don't know if this will pass or if it's something that I can't ignore anymore.

[Jorja]

This is only my opinion so don't run off saying Jorja said...... like it is a fact or something. Those transsexuals that have successful transitions have a deep seeded NEED to be a woman. It is not something they just FEEL is right because they dress all the time anyhow. It is something way deeper than a feeling. It is a burning desire, a must. At least it was for me. They need to align their body and mind and make it one. This is called congruence.

I would suggest you go out and meet women that are transitioning. Get to know them and talk honestly with them. Ask them why they think they need to transition. Join a TS support group. Make an appointment with an experienced gender therapist to help you explore yourself and decide whether or not it is just a feeling or a need in your life.

[typhoidmary]

thanks Jorja, what you're saying makes a lot of sense. The last thing I want to do is rush into anything, I need to be absolutely sure this is what I have to do and that it's for the right reasons.

[Nigella]

You will know if transition is for you when you are prepared to give up all that you have to be the person you feel you are. If you can live your life as you do at present, without any anxiety, then, at this point in time, transition is not for you.

I can say this from experience, I was, in my mind a 24/7 crossdresser, happy to live life as it was. I hit a period of mild depression and during this time a post on here got me thinking that maybe I was more than a CD. At this point I knew I was TS and started the NHS pathway. Now almost a year post op :)

[KellyJameson]

When your body and brain are not aligned it is very difficult to succeed in life because everything is confusing and backwards.

Relationships that are built around gender particularly suffer but at least for me it was from not being able to fit naturally into these relationships where it was less of a problem for those having relations with me as friends and intimates.

Everyone around me was happy but I was miserable with no easily identifiable reason for this.

From the outside everyone saw me as being very successful

You say your life is not going anywhere and I sense you want to be in a relationship with a woman.

Depression is a common problem for transsexuals but you want to be sure that depression is not the reason for pushing you toward crossdressing and questioning your gender identity.

There is an unusually high degree of emotional sensitivity among crossdressers and I often wonder if this sensitivity makes life such a harsh experience that people withdraw from life to avoid what is often traumatic and emotionally overwhelming.

I do not know your identity but separate from that men as a gender are clearly in the grip of an identity crisis and you see them floundering everywhere and this is largely driven by the changes in relations between men and women along with economic changes.

These external events are making it much more difficult for men to have an identity as "how they fit in to society" as the roles they are meant to play.

There is also pervasive cultural misandry coming at men from every direction as men are belittled and marginalized so more than ever it is a terrible time to be a man.

None of these things are about genuine gender identity but they all attack identity and prevent its healthy formation.

Gender identity is not a conscious choice but a necessary need done subconsciously as identifying with those who are your "kin" and you know deep down that you belong to them and they to you.

It is not running away from one group so joining another because that is "easier"

It is a constant that has always been with you that is experienced in all your relationships with men and women as a reminder of where you belong.

Unless you absolutely and unquestionably know that you "belong to the female gender" because that is who you find yourself always "inside of" do not transition.

Not once in my life have I ever experienced a man as being "like me" but always as the "other" and this does not come out of fear or hate of them because I really like men but in my bones I know that they are fundamentally different from me.

Some have come close but none have ever resonated with me as being like me but many many woman have

I understand right now you are struggling but nothing in your words leave me with the impression that at your core you identify as a woman.

We all want and need to belong and we suffer when we don't but you want to be very sure the nature of this suffering does not lead you into the mistake of labelling it gender dysphoria.

A transsexual on some level of course will fail as a man because they are trying to be what they are not but you want to be sure what is driving this failure before you allow it to decide your fate.

Transitioning is brutally hard and expensive and you will always be an in-between sex as far as the medical community identifies you as, from not knowing exactly where to place you, as any post-op who has tried to find a gynecologist probably can attest to.

Transsexuals are a medical category all to themselves.

In some sense you never stop transitioning until the day you die.

It is a life long commitment. Not something you do and than leave behind.