wavering tough

[Anne Elizabeth]

This is tough as I waver back and forth. I had planned on seeing an endo in Jan. and all the details leading up to that point during the last 6 months of last year has thrown a large wrench in all the works. I know everybody will state "if you are not ready to lose everything then don't transition." Last year I thought there was nothing left. However, I still love my wife, probably more that I have ever. My decisions last year created her to ask for a move so by the end of June she will be moving 6 hours away. I will not blame her for anything as she was going on the information she had at hand at the time. Sometimes I don't realize what I have lost until I have lost it. There is hope, I just have to put transition behind me and move on in a more neutral way. My problem is over the next 6 months I have to decide if I can live with out transitioning and if I can real in my presentation and still be happy. I think that I can, but I have to replace it with a more open and honest and intimate (not sex) relationship with my wife. Some days I feel no sweat and some days I am scared to death. Can I do this? I don't want to call it quits with her.

I have been more of the person that has dressed in order to feel better about myself. Sometimes I wonder, Do I dress because I feel more calm, or do I dress because I feel I have to? And Is the calmness due to matching the outward with the inward feeling? Or is it just an escape from the reality of life?

I know these are questions that I have to answer myself but I am wondering how many of you have worked through the same feelings?

Anne Elizabeth

[KellyJameson]

For a person not aligned with their body, crossdressing is a form of transitioning.

I personally experienced the falseness of crossdressing and was repelled by it as a replacement for something concrete and with substance as my physical body.

Hormones affect the mind because they affect the physical body and the mind has physical form in the form of the brain and body which really are one thing anyway.

There is no separation between mind, body and brain, they are meant to be one whole and holistic expression.

Hair removal is a physical act.

Surgery is a physical act.

Voice training is a physical act.

Transitioning falls on a spectrum of physical acts.

I have in my mind a firm conviction of what a woman is "to me" as where I needed to be on this spectrum to be "this woman" and this image departed greatly from what many would see as a woman.

As an example I was anxious that my breasts would become to large because this was not my internal image of myself along with fears of sexual objectification but we live in a time where many woman are getting breast implants.

I was not swept up into an ideal held by society because I was fighting for my own internal image.

I would never impose my idea of what another needs to do to find their place on this spectrum to be "a woman" I only had the right to impose it on myself.

Some live out their lives with breast forms but many would accuse this person of not being a transsexual (woman) while not seeing how they are caught in the paradox of not being seen as woman by others even if they try to define themselves as a "transsexual woman"

"Transitioning only as much as you have to" is possible because that is when you find your place on the spectrum that comes out of searching for yourself "as creating yourself" to reflect the image of you in your minds eye that has always been with you created by " not being aligned with your body"

Some do not have surgery on their genitalia and I would not see them as "not being women" IF they touch me as other women have touched me "from being and because they are women".

Transitioning can mean everything or it can be a meaningless act depending on the person doing the transitioning.

Transitioning does not create a woman but allows the woman to emerge IF she is there inside already.

What is already there "as that pressure to be born and known" will force itself outward to the degree it needs to so it is not a choice to become a woman because you either are or you are not so it is only creating that which will be seen as a woman and if this aligns with what "is" than you will be "aligned"

You will be forced to relent in the struggle being made "to not become aligned with your identity " while "needing to" from acts of self destruction, exhaustion and mental illness and the level of self destruction, exhaustion and mental illness is decided by how far removed "physically" you are from your identity.

Suffering and the will to live are the true instruments of transitioning that identity creates.

Ask yourself how sick are you "staying" or "being made" by "not transitioning".

Let your pain do the talking but understand this pain to be sure it is the pain of "unlived identity".

Many transition only to be seen and this comes out of the needs of the ego but first and foremost you transition to be able to see yourself as you know yourself "to be" in your minds eye.

[Angela Campbell]

Most of us have worked through the same things. Be prepared to lose but know that it is possible not to lose everything. In fact you may gain something you never expected.

[Starling]

I can empathize with you, Anne Elizabeth. I think it makes transitioning easier (not easy!) to be an alpha personality with a strong will and an ability to cut losses. But in the context of love and family, I feel my feminine nature operates against me in my own struggle to live as a female. I'm sure there will be those who disagree vehemently, but I'm not saying the alphas are bad people. In fact, the clarity they seem able to bring to bear can ultimately be very kind, while confusion, doubt and co-dependency can ultimately be very cruel. In fact, I feel another layer of guillt for being so weak.

Good luck to you, Anne Elizabeth. That's one thing we all need the most, after love.

:) Lallie

[Rianna Humble]

For a person not aligned with their body, crossdressing is a form of transitioning.

I could not disagree more strongly with this statement.

Cross-dressing and transitioning are two completely different things. Some of us did spend time cross-dressing either in an attempt to palliate the Gender Dysphoria or because we were unsure, but I have never yet met a transitioner for whom the cross-dressing was a form of transition.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's time to get pragmatic and analytical...

You mentioned in the OP that clearly you didn't have to transition...if you did "have to", we wouldn't be talking about this...you'd be suffering your loss and you'd be taking next steps...
now all you can do is say lesson learned...

However, sometimes its the gut punch that makes you "realize" what is right for you.... i'd ask my daughter "red? or blue?? honey?? red or blue???...".....she'd waver until I said.."ok red." and she would immediately say "no blue".... see what i'm saying ?...

the limbo can just melt everything away and maybe you felt that and so you made the decision only to find you really weren't ready... or that maybe you miscalculated and you thought you'd avoid all the risks..you weren't really ready to lose anything...
you have to really try to be honest with yourself...

I recall for myself that in those many months prior to committing to transition, I self talked in horrible and unproductive ways, but if I look back (and look at my journal)..I knew I was transitioning...it was about letting go and it was about fear...it was not about not truly understanding what I was.... that all took a lot of painful work... you can do that too...

You know some new data.. it makes a lot of sense to step back and reflect on it all.. you are not alone in this... many transitioners have stumbled because of mounting losses or loss of nerve... and if you are not meant to transition, then thank goodness you found out now before its way to late... I realize some decisions have been made which will impact your life...

sorry to add one more thing.... be really really careful.... it could easily happen that you beg your way back into your relationship only to realize you've trapped yourself deeper than before....(I did this with every girl that ever broke up with me...trust me I know)

its really really important and helpful if you can somehow come to a conclusion in your own mind about your nature...(woman? or not?)...if the answer is you really are not sure, then going all in on the relationship is just as scary as transitioning, and that's why i'm such a harpy on trying to live day by day with no promises to anyone(even yourself)

[Donna Joanne]

I could not disagree more strongly with this statement.

Cross-dressing and transitioning are two completely different things. Some of us did spend time cross-dressing either in an attempt to palliate the Gender Dysphoria or because we were unsure, but I have never yet met a transitioner for whom the cross-dressing was a form of transition.

Thanks for stating that so well Rianna. We do a great disservice to ourselves and everyone else when we not only allow ourselves to be "lumped" in with crossdressers and homosexuals, but we perpetuate these misconceptions.

If I am not mistaken, cross dressers derive pleasure and satisfaction from wearing feminine clothing and some receive a 'thrill' from going out and 'passing' in public, but go home and resume their public male persona. But they do not act on "transitioning" because they do not have GD.

My ultimate goal as a TS is to fully transition into a female 24/7/365 and NEVER go back to a male presentation.

But above all, I pray for your success and personal peace Anne Elizabeth in whichever path you choose to follow. For me, it has never been a choice of IF, but of WHEN. And for me the WHEN began about 6 months ago.

[becky77]

It's only crossdressing to those who identify as male.

[Kimberly Kael]

We do a great disservice to ourselves and everyone else when we not only allow ourselves to be "lumped" in with crossdressers and homosexuals, but we perpetuate these misconceptions.

We do at least as much of a disservice by trying to distance ourselves. We do share a lot of common goals and challenges because none of us express our gender in a the expected manner. It doesn't matter if it's just how we dress, how we identify, or who we love — in all three cases we're a minority that doesn't make choices most of the general public easily empathize with. So we all have an education challenge and have a lot of opportunities to educate about the many forms of diversity — not just our own.

Of course there's also a lot of overlap. There are plenty of bisexual or gay CD, TG and TS individuals. There are also lots of grey areas with people who don't identify strongly as either gender, asexuals, and so on.


If I am not mistaken, cross dressers derive pleasure and satisfaction from wearing feminine clothing and some receive a 'thrill' from going out and 'passing' in public, but go home and resume their public male persona. But they do not act on "transitioning" because they do not have GD.

I'm afraid you're perpetuating outdated assumptions. Sexuality is complicated, and the assumption that arousal connected with CDing meant it was invariably just a fetish is rooted in decades-outdated psychological categorization. There are plenty of CDers who suffer from some degree of gender dysphoria but don't transition for social or economic reasons, or because they don't identify so strongly with a gender aligned with their taste in fashion that it makes sense for them.

[Starling]

...many transitioners have stumbled because of mounting losses or loss of nerve... and if you are not meant to transition, then thank goodness you found out now before its way to late... I realize some decisions have been made which will impact your life...

I made a transition announcement to some close friends and a couple of others I felt would be accepting, some of whom were gay or lesbian; and I asked none of them to keep it a secret (because I wanted to tell the world!). I also became acquainted in real life with two local transwomen, hoping we could become close friends. Now that I have stalled, I don't worry so much that my secret is out, but that the people I've shared with will think I'm full of spit.


...sorry to add one more thing.... be really really careful.... it could easily happen that you beg your way back into your relationship only to realize you've trapped yourself deeper than before....(I did this with every girl that ever broke up with me...trust me I know)...

This is so true! Because I was shocked at how rejecting my SO was when I told her I needed to transition, and how unwilling to give even gradualism a try; and facing new health issues that raised questions of my suitability for HRT (which I'd already been on for two months) or surgery, I took the coward's way out and begged for my comfortable old slot. Now she watches me closer than ever, and hardly ever leaves me alone in the house. Lesson learned, but at least I know what the real stakes are.

I also spend too much time regretting not having taken advantage of past opportunities to transition, years ago, when my relationship walls had crumbled, and nothing really stopped me from stepping over the rubble to freedom. Only thing was, I missed my SO so much I went in the other direction, to purging and denial. Now I live in a prison of my own creation, and escape will be (metaphorically) bloodier.

:) Lallie

[Dawn cd]

Let’s hear it for Kimberly. Even crossdressers feel a measure of dysphoria and know what it is to be marginalized and discounted. It’s hard enough to be discounted by outsiders, but being discounted by our transsexual sisters hurts in a special way. The whole world lumps us together, so we LGBT people need to find solidarity and strength in that fact.

[Rianna Humble]

Dawn, Kimberly, the point was not whether some crossdressers may feel dysphoria it was about whether cross-dressing is the same as transition - which it clearly is not.

This thread is nothing to do whether we all "stand together", please do not try to derail it.

[LeaP]

I choked on Kelly's statement at first, too. On thinking about it, I agree with the underlying concept. Becky is on the right path here. I have no wish to engage on the so-called spectrum, politics, or anything of that sort. Rather, that from a TS perspective, episodic dressing ("crossdressing" is too overloaded a term here) is transitional in nature, though CLEARLY not within the realm of permanent transition.