Billiejosehine
06-18-2014, 08:12 PM
Hi all,
It has been a while since I've been active on this form, so I thought I might write this post to share what's going on in my life, reach out, and see if anybody has been in my shoes some way. Because with all the chaos the continues to engulf my life, it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I sometimes might get a bleak of hope, it's not enough to keep me going each day. I do have support from family, a therapist, and others that I know, but in reality, I've been a very quite and shy, anti-social if you will; and I don't have friends. This adds to the feeling of going through things alone, yet the funny thing is that I hate being alone.
Throughout my life, I always kept my GD and that I was TG from those I knew and worked really hard at pretending to be somebody I was not. I did get by and at least had things that kept some sanity in my life, even though I was often unhappy (but not like I am now). Ever since my GD and being TG came out to the light, since March of last year, I feel a lot more unhappier then when I was in hiding. I have lost everything: my marriage, pretty much my job (working 8hrs a week and can't find another job), income to survive each day (what I do earn pays for my car and phone), my children (pending a false restraining order my ex put against me), and as of yesterday a place to live (so I'm now homeless with nowhere to go or a way to pay for a place). There is a lot on my plate and I've been getting thoughts of how did I allow myself to get here, have I made a wrong choice (it always seems that no matter what choice I make, it's the wrong one; at least that's what it feels like), and I wonder if I should have continued to keep my mouth shut about my true self. I know I need to be my true self and not worry what others think, but these thoughts cross my mind.
I'm still fighting to have certain things such as having my children a part of my life, but it's exhausting and I just want to give up. Although I do have an attorney, which has been helpful. They are working to get spousal support, since my ex was the primary earner and I was the stay at home parent. The thing is that my ex is bitter, angry, hostile, and has a sense of entitlement in getting what she wants. She views me as a monetary resource. I mean she's trying to have me pay $900 month in child support, when she buys purses, clothes, and a kindle fire among other things. Then complains she doesn't have enough money for all her expenses and wants me to pick up the tab. I even remember the mediator, who was siding with my ex, even though they are supposed to be neutral; that I should just live under a bridge and give her all my money, if I really wanted to be a good parent.
I know I was told the road to transition is difficult, but is it supposed to be this difficult? Is this what people meant when they said it wasn't going to be easy? I just want all the chaos to be over and to have a sense of sanity like I used to.
It has been a while since I've been active on this form, so I thought I might write this post to share what's going on in my life, reach out, and see if anybody has been in my shoes some way. Because with all the chaos the continues to engulf my life, it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I sometimes might get a bleak of hope, it's not enough to keep me going each day. I do have support from family, a therapist, and others that I know, but in reality, I've been a very quite and shy, anti-social if you will; and I don't have friends. This adds to the feeling of going through things alone, yet the funny thing is that I hate being alone.
Throughout my life, I always kept my GD and that I was TG from those I knew and worked really hard at pretending to be somebody I was not. I did get by and at least had things that kept some sanity in my life, even though I was often unhappy (but not like I am now). Ever since my GD and being TG came out to the light, since March of last year, I feel a lot more unhappier then when I was in hiding. I have lost everything: my marriage, pretty much my job (working 8hrs a week and can't find another job), income to survive each day (what I do earn pays for my car and phone), my children (pending a false restraining order my ex put against me), and as of yesterday a place to live (so I'm now homeless with nowhere to go or a way to pay for a place). There is a lot on my plate and I've been getting thoughts of how did I allow myself to get here, have I made a wrong choice (it always seems that no matter what choice I make, it's the wrong one; at least that's what it feels like), and I wonder if I should have continued to keep my mouth shut about my true self. I know I need to be my true self and not worry what others think, but these thoughts cross my mind.
I'm still fighting to have certain things such as having my children a part of my life, but it's exhausting and I just want to give up. Although I do have an attorney, which has been helpful. They are working to get spousal support, since my ex was the primary earner and I was the stay at home parent. The thing is that my ex is bitter, angry, hostile, and has a sense of entitlement in getting what she wants. She views me as a monetary resource. I mean she's trying to have me pay $900 month in child support, when she buys purses, clothes, and a kindle fire among other things. Then complains she doesn't have enough money for all her expenses and wants me to pick up the tab. I even remember the mediator, who was siding with my ex, even though they are supposed to be neutral; that I should just live under a bridge and give her all my money, if I really wanted to be a good parent.
I know I was told the road to transition is difficult, but is it supposed to be this difficult? Is this what people meant when they said it wasn't going to be easy? I just want all the chaos to be over and to have a sense of sanity like I used to.