GG wanting more pointers

[Amylou2014]

Hello,

I have been married to my husband now for 2 yrs, and just last month he came out to me about his cd.

At first it hurt really bad, there was no contact between us for about a week. The thought of what he was doing was discusting to me, I didn't want him to touch me.

However after having time to process and research I became more understanding.

Now a month in, we just came home from our second shopping trip. It's actually kinda fun. :)

I try to learn before I judge, and that really helped.

I have giving him free ride of my closet, I have bought him things in my own, I have taken him shopping.

What else can I do to make him happy, or make him more confortable?
He seems kinda embarrassed still.

Yes it was strange to me, but I just love him so damn much, and nothing could ever change that.
I have told him, the boobs werid me out, I don't like him shaved, no girl names, and I'd rather not see him in full dress.
I did not tell him he could not do these things, I just told him I was not 100% confortable with them yet.

Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Amylou, You sound like a wonderful loving wife, This can be a wonderful thing that you both have together, The ball
is in her court now, you both can set down and make some guide lines and set some boundaries.
I really hope that can be a lovely time for both of you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Amy most likely you will never get use to it, he will need to always always respect your boundaries on this.
Don't let him lie to you or manipulate you either.
I think your a very special women for even trying to accept it but tread lightly
I say all if this from my own experience of really making a mess of my relationship with my wife.
I wish you the best

[prettytoes]

My wife has requested some boundaries, which I honor happily. She has asked to not see me in a skirt or dress, and I have no problem with that. I try to not go "too far" around her. I have plenty of time on my own to dress how I want. I sleep in women's PJ's or nighties, and I rarely wear men's underwear. I normally wear capris or yoga pants around the house, and I always wear a sports bra when I work out. My legs and underarms are kept smooth; nobody has ever said a negative word to me about it. It certainly is cooler in the hot summer months, and there are a lot of men these days that shave their legs and pits. I am not into makeup, forms, or wigs, but I do use women's deodorant, and an occasional squirt of her VS body spray. I know her well enough to know what makes her uncomfortable (30 years of marriage has that effect!), and I try to avoid those things. She is not thrilled with the whole thing, but she loves me and she knows it makes me happy. We both give a little bit, and that works out well. I don't hide anything any more, but I don't rub it in her face, either.
You may never be 100% comfortable with it, but you are off to a good start in trying to help and understand. Allow him some space, and some "alone time" to be dress as he likes. My wife will often text me when she is coming home, so I can change.

[hope springs]

I can summarize what my wife said to me:

Seeing me in feminine clothing threatens her masculine image of me. (Hence probably why the boob thing and shaving weird you out). My wife is heterosexual so it also adds another layer of image confusion. She told me she is fine in her mind with all of it, but its the imagery is the big road block.
Since you have researched you know there is many dimensions to this. The only absolute is we all want others to accept our feminine side. Its part of us. The dressing is an outward expression of it. It can be very off-putting to an SO but its very freeing to us.
The best gift you can give him is to continue to try and understand this side of him. My wife's efforts to understand have meant everything to me. When she got me some nail polish i almost cried. It was thoughtful, accepting and a great color.

[Farrah]

You're doing it. You're understanding him, loving him, and accepting him not matter what he does. Keep doing that and you both should be just fine. I'm glad you're enjoying this journey with him. This can be a lonely journey going at it alone. This comes from a cd that just came out to his wife--me. Continue to embrace it. Of course you may have boundaries. Make him understand that as well. I'm happy for you both!

[MissTee]

First, welcome and congrats for taking the time to research and understand. Things are always wierd at first, and until you are both comfortable to where this goes expect some turbulence. My wife and I dealt with this, and have had a strong, loving relationship for over 35 years. We have learned how to have fun with it and enjoy shopping together, not to mention joint mani/pedi's.

I am not gay and do not want to transition. Nothing wrong with either of those, but it's not for me. I simply enjoy dressing and keeping it between the wife and I. I have no desire to go out, either.

As for advice, talk about boundaries and respect them. Talk often. In time you'll likely learn the veneer has changed somewhat, but the core has remained the same.

[Jenniferathome]

The question you should as is, "What should you do to make YOU happy?"

Indulging a cross dresser is a slippery slope. You may think that you did A so he is happy. He may think, "she did A so for sure she'll do B."

Talk about what you can handle and what you can not. You may not know where all the boundaries are but if he suggested having sex while wearing lingerie, a wig and makeup, what you say? Say that to him now.

Best of luck

[Genny B]

Jennifer is right, as usual. I would also recommend talking with some other GG's on this site to see how they feel. There are other sites, but I think you'll get straight up scoop from the GG's here! My prayers are with you and your SO!

Genny B

[Christen]

Hi Amylou,

Good advice here. I think you are wonderful and you obviously do love your guy. Personally I think getting the boundaries set is a really good idea. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your relationship, so don't give in to things unless you really want to, as Jen said, many of us will take as much rope as we can. And, I think, be prepared for the time your acceptance wanes, it may not always be exciting for you.

One last thing, make sure you get looked after too, you're worth it.

Christen x

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Amylou

You sound pretty fantastic, and are handling this exceptionally well, considering you found out, "after the fact;" your hubby is lucky to have you in his life!!! :)

There's some great advice on here, the only thing I would emphasise is keep on talking, as openly and as honestly as you can, both with each other, and yourselves... communication is the key to any successful relationship, but especially a CD one!

And don't lose sight of the fact that there're two of you in this relationship; don't lose yourself in the relationship to keep your hubby happy, no matter how damn much you love him!

All the best to you both!!! :bighug:
Paula

[Sandra]

GG here

Don't rush into things, it has already been said you do one thing and he may then think ok she's ok with that so she'll be ok with the next thing and he may not even talk to you about it. You need to sit down with him and talk, go through all of the things that you think you are not comfy with, make him understand that if there is something that you are not happy with it doesn't mean that you aren't understanding or supportive, as some cders will go off in a huff just because their SO doesn't like something but give their all in the rest of the cding. Talk, talk and then talk more and then hopefully you'll both be on the same wave length and enjoy and have fun.

[Beverley Sims]

Amy,
As you were slow to accept, so your husband may be slow to accept.
It is great that you are helping as much as you are but again you may be going too fast fr him.
Maybe slow a little and go at his speed. :)

[Teresa]

Hi Amylou,
I suppose the usual thoughts went through your mind but I guess you realised no matter what your man is still there. He will want more but take it at your pace go with what you can live with.
I would like to ask what your objection list is based on ? To a CDer boobs make him look less like like a guy in a dress, stockings and tights look awful on hairy legs. I suppose I'm saying what look would you find less freaky ? Seeing a guy just wearing a dress, it's easy to say take it off you look silly, seeing him fully made over may scare you because it doesn't look silly, you can't laugh it off !!

[Marcelle]

Hi Amy. I just responded to your introduction post echoing a lot of what is being advised her. Remember, this is a two-way street and you need to be happy as much as your SO needs to be happy. Communication and compromise are key in this and while I applaud your zeal to given your SO every latitude in CDing, if something truly makes you uncomfortable you need to communicate that. Once that is on the table you can work toward middle ground through compromise and then begin setting boundaries which are important. This is not a one person decides things but a mutual agreement. For example if "breasts" during presentation make you feel weird, then I would let him know that for right now "you don't want to see him dressed with breasts". That doesn't mean he can't do it on his own time just you don't want to see them. Perhaps later on down the road, you might renegotiate or perhaps not. IMHO the only way this thing we do can survive first contact is keep the communication lines open and for both parties to be cognizant of each others feelings, wishes and desires.

Hugs

Isha

[Roxie]

sounds like your a understanding wife and are of to a good start.You have set up some bounders which is not a bad thing. It's going to be a give and take issue for the both of you. Have to give you credit for reading up on the subject,before you pass judgement..I think most would agree that your more open minded than most wives .Keep working on it and good luck!

Roxie

[EllenJo]

Amy, your husband is one lucky man/CD. You have embarked on a journey with many twists and turns. Chances are that he has insecruties surrounding his CDing as much as you do. My wife prefers not to see me fully dressed and I am not sure I am comfortable with that either. As much as dressing is a part of me I love my wife and don't want to ruin her thoughts about my masculinity. Your boundries and not unusual. I am happy wearing a skirt and cami around the house and my wife likes the fact that it calms me down and the house work gets done quicker. Just go with the flow and you both will find the level that you are comfortable with.
Hugs,
Ellen Jo

[Maria 60]

Well I told my wife one week after we came back from our honeymoon and surprising she was pretty cool about it, but it was a slow process, she instantly didn't what me wearing her panties and pantyhose and that same night we went shopping. There were somethings that just took time, for some reason for about five years she didn't want me to wear anything pink and then one day she came home with a pink bra and pantie set. Twenty eight years later there still are things she can't handle, she doesn't like me wearing a wig during sex, but doesn't mind me dressed. I am sure it was and still is very hard but she believes the dressing is a very big part of why we have a strong relationship. She loves cloths shopping together and tells me she is lucky to have the best of both worlds, a loving husband a father to our children and a girlfriend., she tells me not to look into it to much and just to enjoy the gift I've been given. My only advice is take it slow, communicate and just have fun with it and enjoy it.

[deebra]

Amy look at it like this, you are comfortable wearing sexy, skimpy, pretty panties and him in boxers or tighty whities; isn't this because you were raised believing this is what each sex is suppose to wear? But who decided this, some designer/manufacture years ago that you don't know, is he going to determine your acceptance of what your husband wears? There are a lot of women that don't wear lingerie and prefer plain cotton but our society including you gives females their approval to wear either style, so why not men? If you were raised with men wearing sexy, skimpy, pretty panties you would be O.K. with it. Trust me it realllly makes him feel gooood. So look at it as just clothes, try to warm up to accepting it and it will bring him closer to you because he will appreciate you doing this for him and the pleasure he derives from wearing fem clothing and you being O.K. with it. If there are things you can't handle then give him some alone time and call before you come home so he can change. This doesn't have to be a glass half empty, half full definitely helps quench a thirst.

[Confucius]

The first rule should be communicate, communicate, communicate.

The second rule is, you have needs too. You need to be loved by a man. You need to feel secure and protected. You need to love a man you can respect and honor.

The third rule is you make the rules. You will probably find that once your husband gets started then it tends to escalate beyond your tolerances. So set some boundaries. They can simply be things like - do not borrow my clothes without my permission, or leave our family and friends out of this. You may not want him to adopt a female name for his female alter-ego. Its all okay. Its all up to your tolerances and your needs.

There is a wide spectrum within the cross-dressing community, and we are all individuals. Let your husband tell you what pleases him and then determine whether you can accommodate him.

[Katey888]

Amylou,

Just keep talking - and remember that you both have rights to set limits (i'm thinking of yours in particular) on where this all goes...

Compromises should be balanced, as should any relationship... :)

You are a dear girl to get this far and try to be understanding, I hope it works out well... :D

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

The best things for any relationship is free flowing communication and understanding.:)

[Amylou2014]

First, welcome and congrats for taking the time to research and understand. Things are always wierd at first, and until you are both comfortable to where this goes expect some turbulence. My wife and I dealt with this, and have had a strong, loving relationship for over 35 years. We have learned how to have fun with it and enjoy shopping together, not to mention joint mani/pedi's.

I am not gay and do not want to transition. Nothing wrong with either of those, but it's not for me. I simply enjoy dressing and keeping it between the wife and I. I have no desire to go out, either.

As for advice, talk about boundaries and respect them. Talk often. In time you'll likely learn the veneer has changed somewhat, but the core has remained the same.

It sounds like we are in the same boat, thank you for replying.
At first I thought my husband was gay, that was the part of me that got hurt and told him we were getting a divorce before I took the time to read on it. He doesn't wanna go out in public dressed, it's just between him and I and I doubt anyone else will ever know.


Hi Amylou,

Good advice here. I think you are wonderful and you obviously do love your guy. Personally I think getting the boundaries set is a really good idea. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your relationship, so don't give in to things unless you really want to, as Jen said, many of us will take as much rope as we can. And, I think, be prepared for the time your acceptance wanes, it may not always be exciting for you.

One last thing, make sure you get looked after too, you're worth it.

Christen x

Since my SO has told me about he's cding. He has been soooo caring and loving. He's cooking me dinners, helping me around the house, offering to paint my nails, he helps me pick out cloths and put them on me, he helps me wash my hair(which is down to my butt), he's always wanting to make sure I'm comfortable, he tells me how pretty I am all the time, and says I love you a million times a day!

[Cheryl T]

I would say you are making him quite happy now. So many of us do not have that support we desire most.
As for making him more comfortable...that will take time. When I came out to my wife and we talked and talked and talked I then dressed for her the first time. It was more traumatic for me than anything I had every done. I was so very afraid of alienating her, being seen by her as strange, perverted, and disgusting. She was wonderful and made me feel at ease, but I was still afraid.
Now 10 years later I am completely comfortable dressing in front of her (which I would not do for the longest time), discussing clothing, makeup, etc and all things related to this. It took time. Not for her, but for me. It took time to get over my fears of being rejected and to see that that was not happening.

Be open, talk about it all. Be non-judgemental about it, but do provide constructive criticism. Share this with him as you share all other things in your marriage. Your understanding and your love are all you ever need to give him to make him happy and more comfortable.

[flatlander_48]

AL:

First, I think it is a very positive gesture that you are here! All relationships are a Work In Progress as we (humans) continue to evolve and change and back again. The fact that you are seeking other thoughts and opinions, to me, increases the possibility that you will be able to come to grips with things.

As we know, the best possible deal is when all parties come away with something useful. They may not get everything that they wanted, but the fact that it is possible to come away with some of the things that you want is good. Continue to talk with your partner, understand what is happening for him and be sure to explain what you feel and need.

When people are unhappy, it is easy to reach a point where all listening stops. You never want to let a discussion get to that point. Keep it light and stay engaged in the discussion. It does get easier...

[Eryn]

...I just told him I was not 100% confortable with them yet.

And that is perfectly reasonable. This is a change for you, and a possibility that you probably hadn't considered at all. It takes time to get used to anything new.

With time, you and your husband will develop ways to articulate both sides of his being. Mimi and I find it convenient to simply use the appropriate names to designate the side of me that we're talking about. I'm a single being, and I do not consider my femme personality to be distinct from my male self, but it is very convenient to say "Eryn will be going to that event" rather than stumble over others way of saying it.

It is also natural for your husband to be uncomfortable. He has told you something that is potentially explosive. He doesn't know what his revelation will do to your relationship but he has taken the risk because he has faith in you. Your husband wants the best for the both of you. It is very likely that, if you keep communications open, your life and your husband's life will be richer for the experience.

Take baby steps, get used to each other, but keep talking to each other. Both of you will need to be willing to show a little forgiveness at times. It can be difficult, but the more you discuss it the quicker you will become comfortable with the situation. That's when the real enjoyment begins!

[Amylou2014]

He has told you something that is potentially explosive. He doesn't know what his revelation will do to your relationship but he has taken the risk because he has faith in you!

This is the greatest thing anyone has said to me thus far! These words really hit me deep. Thank you

[Jorja]

When you type in the word crossdresser in a search engine on the internet you will get a ton of porn sites. Do not get it in your head that all CDs are all like that. There are some like that but the most are really decent normal every day people that would never pose for those type of pictures and videos.

[Amylou2014]

When I searched I didn't get anything porn related.

[Charlotte Williams]

Many great pieces of advice are listed here and the only thing I'd like to add is that the feelings you and your husband are feeling are very normal. That might sound strange because of the unusual situation, but with all things considered your reaction and his embarrassment are both natural in the evolution of dealing with crossdressing. If I may recommend a book or two for both you and your husband to read in order to help with questions and discussion points, they are: "Crossdressing With Dignity" and "My Husband Wears My Clothes." Both books are by Peggy Rudd;

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/s/ref=mw_dp_a_s?k=Peggy%20J.%20Rudd

P. S. You are an amazing woman, good luck

[MissTee]

For what it's worth AmyLou, you have a very good chance of getting through this because you are here seeking answers. Good communications and an understanding and respect of boundaries will get you through the emotional chaos. In time, perhaps his dressing won't seem so, well, perverse.

As for us, life has defined and redefined the meaning of significance many times. Like Isha here I am a vet, living on the adrenaline high in my youth and almost become a mortally wounded statistic 3 times. Add to that the heartache of getting through the death of a child and a grandchild that lived with us; a suicidal teenager; fear and uncertainty in job loss; and various economic hardships and prosperities. After all that, my wife has come to the conclusion she simply has a spouse with a strange fashion sense. So what he relaxes in a pink gown in the privacy of his own home. Worse things happen.

Good luck and hugs!!

[Amylou2014]

Misstee,
I'm so sorry to hear of your hardships in life, no one person should have to deal with all that.

With that being said, that was my first thought,
He's not cheating on me,
He loves me,
He's even sweeter now,

This could have been a lot worse.