Scared to go .....

[FurPus63]

I'm sitting here thinking about something that has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now. About that time, my sister invited me to her husband's birthday party. Now I have five siblings, five in-laws, 15 nephews and nieces, a total of 25 people in my immediate family. This doesn't count the uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.... Most of these people and people from her husband's family are going to be there. It's his 65th Birthday and a relatively "big deal." I'm sort of obligated to attend. My sister is the one and only person in my family who accepts me and has continued to have a relationship with me. All the rest are extremely uncomfortable and/or just simply hate me because of what I've done. Because I've transitioned and live my life as my true self.

The last time I attended a big family gathering like this. I was very uncomfortable and felt like leaving. Many of the members of my family call me by my old name. Misgender me, use wrong pronouns, etc.... They don't even try to attempt to correct themselves. I get so sick of it. I have been transitioning and living full-time for over two years! Friends, acquaintances, and strangers treat me better than they do. It's upsetting and always emotionally disturbing to me.

None of them have spoken to me on the phone or seen me since last Christmas! It's ridiculous already. How much longer do I have to tolerate this kind of treatment? Yet, if I don't go, I know my sister will be hurt and she's the only one that supports me at all. So what do I do? I have to go. Yet I don't want to and am actually scared. Not so much of them hurting me, but of what I'm going to say and/or do if they keep up with the rude, disrespectful way they treat me. I want to tell them all off so bad! I'm so afraid that when one of them starts addressing me as "Paul" and/or starts up with the male pronouns, I'm going to start into some kind of lecture or just plain and simply say something that's going to start a fight.

The worst part of all is that my brother-in-law; the one who's B-day it is we're celebrating...probably has the biggest problem with me of them all. Every time I go to visit my sister, he makes sure he's not there or if he is, he disappears into the other room, goes outside, or just makes himself scarce. He's one of these right-wing conservative Catholic Christians who thinks the world was created by God 6,000 years ago and can't handle this at all. I know he has a severe problem with me being trans, but I've never confronted him on it. I certainly don't want to ruin his special day and at the same time, I'm sure he wouldn't cry if I didn't show up!LOL! Yet I still have to attend for my sister's sake. It's really weird.

I guess I'm writing here because I am wondering what your opinions are? There's been a lot of posts here on this forum regarding, misgendering, wrong use of pronouns, etc.... but what do we do when it's our own family? What do we say when we 're attending a family function and don't want to make a scene? I've held this in for so long. I've tried being polite about it. I've tried to politely correct them or ask if they stop it, but they don't and I know they wont. So what do I do????

Paulette

[arbon]

Have you expressed to your sister that it hurts you to be in that environment? Wont she understand that and be okay if you don't come? You've been through so much why torture yourself more by going?

[Aprilrain]

Sounds horrible, I wouldn't go.

[Alexis.j]

There is no way I would go to a family gathering like that if everyone is so disapproving of me or my lifestyle. I would think its pretty unfair for your sister to expect you to go to such a gathering, knowing how everyone feels about it.
There are most parts of my family we don't mix with at all, for various reasons. Our own families can be our worst enemy at times, so I learnt. ..

But then again, this is only my opinion.

Best of luck.

[Michelle789]

I wouldn't go to a family gathering where they're going to not be accepting me and willfully and purposely misgendering me. They shouldn't even expect you to go. If any of them expect you to be there just so they can humiliate you by ignoring you, misgendering you, and laughing at you, they are nothing but big giant hypocrites.

You may want to tell your sister how you feel about your family members and you don't feel comfortable being around them, and that you still love your sister and still want to continue a relationship with her.

I personally think that family sucks. We're dealt a bunch of people who we're assigned to at birth, and expected to make compromises and sacrifices just because they're "family", even though they stifle us and don't accept us for our authentic selves. Family members who don't accept us for being trans or homosexual, who don't accept our choice of religion (or lack of), who don't accept the activities we participate in or the friends we choose, who always talk negative things about everyone and everything in the world, aren't worth my time.

We really compromise every aspect of our authentic selves just to make family happy. We not only compromise our gender identity or sexual orientation, but all the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph, and more. Why? Because family members assume that just because we're members of the same family that we all think and act the same. The cruel truth is, we don't. We all have individual personalities, and families seem to love to stifle this part of us. People of all sorts put in fake personas to please their families. I'm personally sick and tired of it.

No wonder families are so dysfunctional. We get to pick and choose our friends. We don't pick our families. Personally I think the next frontier after transgender rights is abolishing the family structure. I mean it. The family structure is the most horrible thing society invented, potentially as bad as the gender binary. Just like the gender binary forces us to fit neatly into boxes, so does the family structure.

[AllieSF]

Family is just that ... family. If you do not like them, then avoid them. If you like them and treasure them, then make the sacrifice. You owe your sister nothing regarding going there if you are going to feel uncomfortable. If you haven't told her, the one person that supports you, why not? If you do tell her and she asks you to go all the same, then make your own decision. If she loves you she will eventually understand and even support you in this. I can see from your thread that you are upset about all this. So why do you torture yourself with it? You know what you have to do. I do not, nor do anyone else here on this forum do from your posted words. You definitely do not need our scattered advice to help you. Make your decision and live with it.

[Melissa2471]

Family is always a tricky one.
Personally wouldn't go and I would explain to your sister the reasons. You shouldn't be expected to put up with intolerance and be made to feel uncomfortable. By your relatives referring to you as your old self is really nothing more than bullying.
You are who you are and it's your right to live your life how you choose, if they can't deal with that then it's their loss.
You can choose your friends but not your family. Just meet your sister away from them and remain happy.
Sorry if it sound like a rant. :)

[Angela Campbell]

Not a chance in hell I would go.

[Rachelakld]

Why go to that much trouble to be abused?
No one ever said you have to be friends with family, but always good to make a family of friends.
Think a chat with your sister is the right step

[I Am Paula]

Tell your sister exactly why you're not going. Then thank her for her love and support.

[Rianna Humble]

Could I suggest a compromise? How about you go round a day or so early with a present for your brother-in-law then take that opportunity to thank her for her invitation and explain that you would not feel comfortable being with so many people who do not accept your transition? That way, you show that you are not being stand-offish but you also let her know ho wthe rest of your family treat you and make you feel.

[Michelle.M]

OK, let’s summarize . . . The one person who accepts and supports you wants you to be there, and you feel you have a family obligation to attend.

I say don’t go. Your sister needs to know how much you love her and how much you value her support, but she also needs to understand that she may very well be the only decent person in the herd.

Your going will do nothing good for you, will do nothing good for her and will definitely do nothing good for all the rest of those bigots. Express your thanks and regrets to your sister and make sure she understands that it’s the family (and yes, even her husband) who are causing you to have to make this difficult decision.

They’re the bad actors, not you. Don’t torture yourself. Family gatherings are about togetherness and being connected with loved ones. None of that is waiting for you at this event, and there’s nothing to be gained by anyone if you go.


Could I suggest a compromise? How about you go round a day or so early with a present for your brother-in-law then take that opportunity to thank her for her invitation and explain that you would not feel comfortable being with so many people who do not accept your transition? That way, you show that you are not being stand-offish but you also let her know ho wthe rest of your family treat you and make you feel.

Excellent idea!

[STACY B]

With all those people there I really don't think they would miss you ? Why would you put yourself through that ? Why not surround yourself with people you like & Love an want to be around you an accept YOU ? Lifes to short for that Crap !!

[PretzelGirl]

I not only would talk with your sister about not going but I would also have a true heart to heart with her about the family dynamics going on here. You need to have peace of mind going forward, not just for this party. And being the one person you want to continue a relationship with, she needs to understand what you see and what you are experiencing. I am sure you will still want to have quality time with her, so if she understands what your boundaries will be, it will make it easier on her going forward also.

[LeaP]

Family is the ultimate affinity group. If there is no affinity, however, there is no family. You have been shunned.

Back to basics. One doesn't impose themselves on others in private social events. There's plenty of quibbling to be had over that, but I'm accepting as a premise that the overwhelming majority of those who are relevant don't want you there. One solution might be for you sister to step up to the responsibility for refereeing, mediating, and generally keeping things focused where they need to be - but it's a tall order.

Personally, I wouldn't go unless a sincere invitation was extended by your brother-in-law.

How long do you put up with this? You don't. Ignore them and move on with your life.

[becky77]

Screw that crap!
But seriously I agree speak to your sister and explain your feelings, why would you put yourself in such a bad situation, it can't be good for you.
Unless you feel you have people there you wish to hold onto, or you see that there is still a chance of people accepting you, then I wouldn't go.

[KellyJameson]

I agree with Lea.

Put it on your family by having them extend or not extend the invitation which than puts the responsibility on them and protects your relationship with your sister.

Hate is a dangerous thing to constantly expose yourself to.

[Charlotte Williams]

I agree with Rianna on a compromise. My suggestion would be to speak with your sister so she understands your point of view. Offer to meet with her and her husband in order to show your love and support for them. Hopefully your brother-in-law will understand how important it is to his wife that you are included and will make the effort plus mind his manners.

I'm sorry your family is un-accepting of your lifestyle, sadly families are like that sometimes. You will not change them unless they want to change and accept you as you are. Be the change that they cannot be and show the world love and compassion through your actions.

Best of luck Paulette

[hope springs]

Its a no brainer. Hell no i wouldnt go.

[Rogina B]

While you are carrying out what Rianna suggested,I would make it clear to your sister that you love her because she accepts you and that is true love.At the same time mention that you feel no love whatsoever from the others and how much that bothers you. Perhaps she will call it out at the party and tell them exactly why you chose not to be there...

[sandra-leigh]

Ask your brother in law whether he would be comfortable with you attending. If so, then you could attend in good faith, and can deflect by saying, "My brother-in-law invited me to celebrate with him". If he says no, then don't go as it is his birthday and you should not spoil that to make a point about who really runs that family (that is, your sister.)

Any chance of a "masked party" or "superhero theme" or something akin where people aren't supposed to use given names ?

[mikiSJ]

I am not sure why the calculus is so hard to understand:

If I go, I will be excluded from conversations, ignored and left in a corner or rudely confronted about my 'strangeness'.

If I don't go, I can go to the park, the beach, to a movie, to some friends or simply curl up with a nice book.

[Desirae]

I know I'm not in your position, but I hope that it's OK if I comment anyway.

I say if it's important to your sister, then go. I'd also tell her everything you just stated in your posting. Tell her that you'll give it "one try" and ONLY one more try. Tell her that if what you said starts happening, that you'll leave immediately and you hope she understands why. Make that very clear to her. That you can only take so much and you don't have to put up with sh*t like that. Who knows, maybe she'll have a word with everyone and it could be the start of something better for you and for them? Even if the "better" doesn't happen, and it sounds like it won't based on what you stated, you will at a least have tried, which is more than you can say for them then, and your sister will now be on notice that you just won't be doing it EVER AGAIN under ANY circumstances. You can walk out of there exactly knowing where you stand with them, your head held high that you were big enough to give them ONE LAST CHANCE, and then wipe your hands of them. In my book that makes you the MUCH bigger person.

[FurPus63]

I thank everyone for their good advice. It's all supportive and well intended. Thanks All of you! However; what Desirae posted above is more than likely what I am going to attempt. Desirae I really like what you said here. Thanks!

[PaulaQ]

Hi Paulette - I'm sorry to be late to the party in replying to this. If it were me, I'd tell your sister that you don't think that as much as you two would enjoy seeing each other, her husband won't enjoy seeing you much, and it is his party. I wouldn't go, if it were me, and I'd tell her that and explain that you don't want to spoil the event. (Nor do you really want to endure the hostility, either.)

If you do go, and its as bad as you think it will be, you can always do what my closeted gay uncle used to do at family gatherings. He'd eat dinner, excuse himself for a moment - and then leave while nobody was looking for him. He just left - he didn't say goodbye, he just kind of vanished. He was really good at it! It was usually an hour or two before anyone noticed he was gone.

Best of luck hon, I hope this goes better than you expect!

[Desirae]

You're very welcome, Paulette. Everything I said came from my heart. I would like to think that this is exactly what I would do if I were in your shoes. The only thing I would add, I guess, is that in the case of things not going well, I would have some predetermined, well rehearsed "parting" words for the group. I don't mean some type of nasty, in-your-face type of speech where you lay into them all about their bigotry and hatred while you're walking out the door. Quite to the contrary, I would have thought of some very polite, respectful, kind words for all of them while you are on your way out the door. Nothing gets under someone's skin more than someone who takes the higher ground even when faced with adversity, disdain, ridicule, bigotry, etc.

While not at all telling you what you should say, while on my way out the door, I would wish my brother-in-law a very happy birthday, even if I had already done so when I first arrived at the party. Remember, higher ground. You can certainly tell everyone that you are very disappointed with them and very saddened by their intolerance in a matter-of-fact way. You can tell them that you're really broken up inside regarding the abandonment you feel. Tell them the loss of their love is deeply disturbing to you. Tell all of them you will miss them very, very much.Tell everyone you wish them all the best in their lives and you wish them much happiness going forward. Then tell them that's exactly what you'll be doing for yourself, too; pursuing your happiness. Remember, higher ground. I would have a smile on my face from the very first word out of my mouth as I was leaving. Everything I said would come forth from the disdain I felt for them. That's the key. Let that fuel what you say and the way you say it. Don't let it come from sadness that you're losing family. If they're all like that, you're not losing much.

All of these types of words and phrases would be more effective, IMHO, if there were NO tears in your eyes while saying them. That's why you need to bring it out of you from a place of disdain, and even anger, if need be. You need to own whatever you say and bring it from the higher ground. Yeah, look down on them all while saying it. That's what is called for in that kind of situation. Practice over and over whatever it is you'll say should things go south.

Even if this scenario does happen, maybe one, or two, or more of them will reach out to you in their own time after they've had time to examine what has happened and think about things for awhile. If that should happen, I would take baby steps with whomever reaches out to you to gauge where they are coming from and their sincerity. If the relationship grows, then you can possibly offer more insight to this person or persons regarding the "why" of doing what you had to do in your life. I wouldn't even make any attempt at the party to explain yourself to these people regarding your decision to transition. They don't deserve that. Let them come to you. By doing it this way, you are putting the ball in their court.

I wish you all the best. Good luck and let us know how things go.
Desirae

[FurPus63]

Update:
I didn't go to the party. I attempted on Friday and Saturday to call my sister. Left messages. She never called me back. Still waiting as of Sunday afternoon. I guess they didn't really miss me all that much! LOL! I really am grateful for all of your advice, especially those who told me not to go. I was so scared not to go, but more scared of what I might do if I had. So...in the end I chose not to attend. I wanted to tell my sister and/or discuss it with her. But she didn't give me a chance. So now we'll see. She'll probably tell me she's mad or disappointed with me for not coming. Oh well, I'll have to just deal with it. I get a lot of acceptance from non-family.

Thanks again,all.

Paulette

[Hope]

If you feel like you have to go - go.

But you don't have to tolerate shitty behavior. When your family ****s up your pronouns, correct them. If you make it out to be that you are not serious about transition by not standing up for yourself - you can't expect them to think that you are serious. Be polite about it - at least at first, but be firm and clear.

"My name is Paulette, when you call me _______ it is rude and disrespectful."

"It is 'SHE' - I have spent a lot of time, energy, money, and endured a lot of pain for this lowered social status - the least you can do is respect it."

"Are you trying to be insulting? Because you are being insulting."

"If you get the right to identify me in ways that are not authentic to me, do I get to identify you in ways that are not authentic to the way you see yourself?"

You get the idea...