Losing Acceptance

[PaulaQ]

My family and friends were surprisingly supportive of me when I came out to them as transgender last year. I was really overjoyed about this, obviously, because so many of us lose everyone.

However, I've noticed that over the past 10 months, as I've transitioned, and changed in so many ways, their acceptance of me seems to be fading. My mother, my sons, and my friends don't really know me anymore. (My sister, fortunately, just gets it and is my best ally.) They are unwilling to talk about what I'm going through, or who I am now. I don't think they much like who I am, either, to the extent they know about it.

When I was Scott, I was this really nice guy, conservative, friendly, a little reserved. I was an old married guy - straight as they come. My marriage was happy, and they kind of held it up as a model of how to have a successful marriage. I liked technology, astronomy, gaming. I was pretty passionate about my job. Nobody understood it - other than it had something to do with 3D graphics, but I'd been doing it for 20 years. I didn't change much over time - I was really a very consistent person. They knew who I was.

Now? I'm a trans woman. I'm still nice - actually I'm a lot nicer than I used to be, and a lot more willing to help others. I'm outgoing, kind of liberal (if only because the politics of conservatives in my state hate LGBT folks). I'm divorcing my wife. I'm queer, and I live in, and am immersed in queer culture here in Dallas. I don't have much interest in the things that I used to do - they were largely complex distractions to keep my mind off my GD. I talk about changing careers now. I'm in relationships in the trans community.

I think that last part really bothers most of them a lot. If I were a nice little straight girl, who'd waited a year or two after my divorce and then met a really nice guy, lived in the suburbs, and otherwise appeared as heteronormative as it's possible for one of us to seem, I think they'd have an easier time dealing with my transition. Unfortunately, none of those things are remotely close to being true about me. (Sometimes I wish they were - but heteronormative was my old life, not my current one.)

The bottom line seems to be that I'm queer, and they hate it. They won't tell me that. They are unwilling to talk about any of this stuff - it's painful for them, so visiting my Mom or my kids doesn't leave a whole lot to talk about, at least about me. I can talk about them all day long. But they really don't want to seem to get to know me.

At this point, I am pretty sure I've lost both of my sons, at least for a while. Possibly forever. Hopefully they'll be supportive to their mom, my (soon to be) ex-wife. My mom loves me, in her way, but it's a way that doesn't seem to want to encompass any of the realities of who I am now, except for very superficial ones. She'll buy me girl stuff, but she HATES my life - it's just obvious looking at her face and listening to what she says when I talk to her about it.

My friends - lol - they just can't deal with me at all, for the most part. (There's one exception there too, but for the most part, we don't have too much in common anymore, except for a shared history.)

Has anyone else gone through something like this? How'd it go? Did you get any of them back over time?

I'm sad about this - but I've watched it happening for a while now, and really, it seems to be beyond my control. I don't have any way to change how they feel. I'll be OK, but I certainly miss them. Things don't always change for the better, though.

[Starling]

Isn't it true, PaulaQ, that you can stand the pain of electrolysis and endure a ton of ignorant abuse from strangers, but when your friends or family members cool to you, it just hurts like hell? I think that's the hardest thing about being trans. It's been a killer for me, and I'm not even in transition now. It shows in your posts that you're one of the really caring human beings around here, and I sure hope most of the people who loved the man you were will take the effort to get to know and love the woman you are.

:) Lallie

[KellyJameson]

I was never able to join "straight culture" because I did not want them and they did not want me and I mainly concerned myself with not getting killed by it.

It was mutual rejection and this included much of my family.

You were able to build a life around and inside of this culture but transitioning tests your membership in it.

You have gone where I have always been as into the LGBT community but I think this must be much more strenuous because now you have to build something that is usually done over years as all those connections and relations.

One reason I have suffered less than others comes from the delight I find in my own company. It is very important to not let being alone take you into depression/anxiety but instead into creativity.

You also do not want to withdraw from life and I do think freedom is something you have to fight for, particularly when you are an outsider and being transsexual is about as far to the outside as one can be.

It is easy to become self absorbed when transitioning because after all it is about the self but everyone should occasionally take a vacation from themselves and think about how they can give back to the community.

You are transitioning in two ways. One physical and one social. You are transitioning out of the straight world and yes it may be possible to rejoin it but I'm not sure why anyone would.

This second transition is going to either leave a big hole in your life as you leave the straight world behind or cause you grief as you try to hold onto it by trying to force acceptance.

I personally do not think it is wise to force people to change other than respecting your right to life. You could throw away valuable energy and resources that could be used in building what you need to survive and be happy.

You want to reach that place of peace and tranquility from complete acceptance of self so that you do not need acceptance from others " as inclusion" so that you will see the wisdom of only associating with those who accept you as you are, otherwise simply do not make room in your life for these people.

In my opinion to transition successfully you must be able to "let go" of that which interferes with the relationship you need to have with yourself because letting go is less painful in the long run than denying yourself.

You are not really losing acceptance as much as losing the illusion of acceptance that your being willing to "pay for membership" bought you.

By transitioning you have stopped paying for a membership into something you never really belonged to anyway.

[PaulaQ]

@Lallie - thanks, I really appreciate your thoughts and your kind words.

@Kelly - Yeah, I'm not isolating myself. I have made a lot of new friends here in the 'hood. And I do volunteer work at the LGBT Resource Center here, among other things, so I agree with you about giving back to the community. And yeah, I agree about worrying overmuch about "inclusion." This has been a hard lesson for me - I've always wanted to "fit in" to society, but I just never have. I'm finding that I can let go of that now, and be OK. So I'm a little sad about the loss of some relationships, but it's not awful. It sucks, but it is what it is. I've realized that I'm just walking away from my old life. There may be almost none of it left in my present life post transition. I'm OK with that.

[spandexgirl188]

As i read this, I can't help but thank god for giving me the sense to open up to my wife when we first dated and decided to pursue a relationship over 11 years ago. Ive never let anyone in before other than her. Years later, two sons, a good career, and a friend who supports me no matter what, the hardest thing I have to do is come out to my family. I realize I may loose them, I realize I may loose my career, but no matter what happens, I know my wife will always be there for me and my sons. When they grow up I will have to explain to them as well. I will however have a chance to prove I love them regardless of thechoices i made. I found out that if you have hope and someone to share that part of your life, things will get better. I found out about me at 11 years old. I'm 36 now. I had to stop lying to myself and start being at peace. Even if thateans the loss of friends and family members.

Have hope paula , it will get better. Just have hope.

Jade.

[Rogina B]

What you are feeling is one of the reasons that some transitioners leave town and never look back...

[Jorja]

It sucks Paula but just remember, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. That is the only way to move forward and it is the only way to climb the mountain in front of you.

[kimdl93]

Paula, sorry you're feeling somewhat abandoned. Let me put a somewhat more positive spin on it...take it or leave it. You have changed rather dramatically since coming out to your (ex) a little over a year ago. The speed was breathtaking in comparison with the experiences I've observed here. That's ok...it's your life and you can choose the pace. It is possible that you've simply changed at a rate that has thus far exceeded the ability of your friends and loved ones to keep up. That does not mean that, given time, they can't catch up.

Of course only time will tell. But if you want to retain those connections, you can do your part by doing what you can to be available to your sons, your siblings, mother and network of friends. There may be rejections and disappointments but some will eventually come around and as for those who don't...at least you'll know you tried and tried again.

[Nicole Erin]

What good is a transition if someone has no family or connections left?
How would packing up and moving to another town help? Solid connections do not happen overnight.

Male and female are biologically set. Gender (man or woman), on the other hand, is merely an act. Most males take on the role of men and females act like women. But if someone is alone in the world, what does it even matter if someone is acting like a man, woman, or whatever?

How are hormones, surgeries, etc going to improve anything if someone doesn't really have any good friends or accepting family?

[Rianna Humble]

There is a good reason why we tell people in this forum not to transition unless they are prepared to lose everything and everyone.

I disagree with your suggestion that gender is an act - it is fundamental to a person's very existence even for cis people. The difference for cis people is that they don't have to worry about it because their gender matches what society expects.

If I found myself totally isolated with no-one else around, I would not cease to be a woman.

[arbon]

What good is a transition if someone has no family or connections left?
How are hormones, surgeries, etc going to improve anything if someone doesn't really have any good friends or accepting family?

What good are family and friends if you can't be yourself? I'd rather be a lonely woman then a man for them.

[PaulaQ]

Yeah, I am prepared for whatever happens. It'll suck if I lose everyone from my past, but I'll get over it. I'll make new connections - I'm good at making friends. In some ways, this is OK, because it's making it a lot easier for me to just let go of the past. My past doesn't even seem real to me anymore, not really. Oh I lived through it - but I did it while pretending to be something that I'm just not. If the people from my past life, my family and friends, can't abide the real me - well, I am not going to let that stop me. I'm going to be as authentic as I can be - with them or without them. I hope it's with them, but if not, well that's sad, but it's their loss.

I agree with Theresa - dying alone as a woman would be superior to living another day as a man.

[Michelle789]

@arbon and @Nicole Erin

You can always make new friends. It takes time, and won't happen overnight. It sucks if family or old friends leave you. You cannot find another biological family. You can always make new friends. It might be hard. But even if you don't pass, there are people who will accept you as you are, outside of the TG community. You can always find friends in the TG community too. Not everyone in the TG community will like you and you won't necessarily like them all, but you can find friends both in and out of the TG community.

Moving to a new city is sometimes necessary. People have moved historically in search of a better life. This is reality. Animals and early tribes migrated to find food. As we started living in civilizations, people have moved for job opportunities, love, and religious freedom.

We TSes aren't the first nor the last class of persecuted people. Even our persecutors were once the persecuted. Mormons hate us, but they were once persecuted and moved to Utah to escape the persecution they were getting on the East Coast.

I personally would rather be myself than please people from my past by lying, and lying always catches up with us. You will find new friends. I guarantee. And you might not have to move either, you might find them where you are.

[FurPus63]

You've heard my story hun. My heart goes out to you. I have experienced so much of the same. My family hates me or at least hates what I've done (in their eyes). They don't understand, don't have a clue and don't want one! They don't want to know about my life. They refuse to attend family therapy to deal with these issues. They just ignore me. My phone never rings. Some of them I haven't talked to in months and even years. It's just unbelievable and hurts so bad! I grew up with a family. I had parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws, nephews and nieces. I spent most of my time growing-up attending birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc.... now all I have is my trans* friends and my x-wife (my only true cisgender friend). It's incredible! Now it seems my older sister (my only family ally ) is apparently pissed at me. She hasn't talked to me since I didn't attend her husband's birthday party. OMG! I couldn't go. I didn't want to see my family because of the way they treat me. I would have been filled with anxiety, fear, uncomfortable and possibly got into a verbal confrontation with someone because I'm so wrapped up in negative emotions regarding all of this. So.....I didn't go. So now I've lost my one and only family member who could stomach me. OMG!

So believe me, I know how it hurts hun. I don't know what to do about it or how to make it better. They don't want a relationship with me. Period. So what can I do? What can we do? We can't make people like/love us. So....we have to do what we've been doing. Find new family through friends and people who do like us. That doesn't take away our pain though. Hang in there. It's all worth it to be who we truly are.

Paulette

[arbon]

@arbon and @Nicole Erin

You can always make new friends. It takes time, and won't happen overnight. It sucks if family or old friends leave you. You cannot find another biological family. You can always make new friends. It might be hard. But even if you don't pass, there are people who will accept you as you are, outside of the TG community. You can always find friends in the TG community too. Not everyone in the TG community will like you and you won't necessarily like them all, but you can find friends both in and out of the TG community.

Moving to a new city is sometimes necessary.

.


Such an positive outlook, it will help you when you do transition. you should sail through it much more gracefully then some of us have.

[PaulaQ]

Well, it's been about a month since I started this thread. Some of my old friends, and one of my kids, got together over the July 4 holiday. I never heard about the get together though. I simply wasn't invited. This is the second such gathering they haven't invited me to.

My other son, who lives with me, rent free, doesn't really speak to me any more other than "hello", "goodbye", and "please don't talk to me right now."

I did have dinner with one of my childhood friends last week. That was nice, my friend C called, we met for dinner, it was really pleasant. She still likes me.

I haven't seen my mom in a few weeks, or really talked with her. It was pretty obvious though, when I last did, that she really hates my life now, and most especially the new people in it. It feels like she considers me to be a huge inconvenience, and a problem she has to "solve." That's tough though, since she knows almost nothing about me now.

I've been trying for the past couple of months to reach some type of divorce settlement with my wife. Now, I never had acceptance from her to begin with, so there's really none to lose. I think we're close to an agreement. It's pretty slanted in her favor - I'll leave the marriage with my car, some old furniture, and my job. No property. No retirement. All the debt. She gets the house, and 40% of my take home pay for 3-5 years. I know that probably doesn't sound like a very good deal for me, but believe me, it's a lot more fair to me than the last offer she made me. The thing is, I've been fully supporting her over the past year. I've paid for some cosmetic surgery for her, heck, just today I gave her money so she could take a vacation with her family. (She hasn't had a job in some time - she quit.) She doesn't trust that I'll treat her fairly, although I think I have so far. She told me that she didn't feel she could have a relationship, or even a roommate, because I would hold it against her! :O I told her that wasn't the case, that I wanted her to find happiness, and that I hoped she met and, if she so chooses, marry someone else. I wouldn't alter our financial arrangements for that. I told her she deserves the life I couldn't give her.

And I got back nothing from her. Not one shred of emotion. Just nothing. I think she is actually doing better, and I'm very happy about that. I mean that. But I think it's pretty obvious that we aren't very likely to ever be friends, or probably even acquaintances again. Again, not surprising, but still, hurts me some.

I'm sort of shocked by all of this, really. These people by and large stuck with me, 25 years ago, when I was a chronic alcoholic. I was really a mess back then, and honestly, a pretty awful person. I didn't really mean to be - but I was. A year after I sobered up, pretty much all was forgiven with these folks. I dunno, I don't believe I'm a horrible person - I mean, I've been horrible in the past, and I know what that's like, and I'm pretty sure that's not me now.

But that's certainly not how they seem to be reacting to my transition.

The only real bright spot is my sister. She still seems to be with me, sorta.

[Aprilrain]

This is an all too common phenomena. I think there are two causes for this. One, and this is probably the dominant of the two, people really have no clue about what you just told them when you first come out. They don't know what to say so they default to polite platitudes. Secondly most people don't have what it takes to truly be nasty to your face so they say something polite and save their true feelings for their spouse in the car, on the ride home. There doesn't seem to be anyway to get people who are going to transition to understand this either. They are always soooo surprised when so-&-so turns out to be less than supportive of them going from conservative, heterosexual, male to "woman".

[Donna Joanne]

If I found myself totally isolated with no-one else around, I would not cease to be a woman.


What good are family and friends if you can't be yourself? I'd rather be a lonely woman then a man for them.

These are two ladies that truly know, and no more truer words have been spoken!

[I Am Paula]

My family had steadfastly stood by me. Among my friends, I do notice a cooling off after the initial support and encouragement.
At first I thought it was because I've moved (not that far!) but of my friends who knew Paul, I'm getting a few less dinner invites, and less calls 'just to chat'.
My close, and oldest friends are right where they were before, so I'm not panicing.
I have been meeting new friends at a much greater rate than ever before, almost all GG's.

[PaulaQ]

I'm not surprised by my family's reaction. I'm saddened by it, but not surprised. Look, I tell everyone who is coming out as transgender that people's first reaction isn't always their last, and that sometimes, someone who is initially unaccepting will come around over time. And I realized every time I said this that the opposite was also possible - that an initially positive reaction doesn't always mean long term acceptance.

The people in your life from your past have a kind of a transition to make as well - and mine mostly aren't doing so well at that at the moment. I'm not too hopeful at this point.

I have no intention of ceasing to be a woman, although this is what is driving a wedge between my family and myself. I was prepared for this - I knew this could happen, but I still grieve the loss of the relationships, even so. I did get my hopes up that it wouldn't come to this, after the initial acceptance when coming out to them. So at the very least, this is disappointing.

I agree with April's reasoning for why this happens, but I think in the case of my family and friends, there are several other things in play that are significant:
- I'm a really different person now, both physically, emotionally, and to some extent in terms of personality. I'm me know. And they don't know me.
- I live in a different world than they do now - I am active in the trans community here, and in the LGB community as well. They literally have no connection to these communities, and don't much like hearing about them.
- I think it is very painful for them to watch me fade away. They loved me as a man. I know they grieve.

As for old friends - well, friends come and go.

@I Am Paula - I am making new friends as well, although I have a hard time trusting genetic women, so not so many of them. Hopefully I'll get over this - I'm still having issues getting over my wife, and I know that is affecting my trust.

[LeaP]

... people really have no clue about what you just told them when you first come out. They don't know what to say so they default to polite platitudes. Secondly most people don't have what it takes to truly be nasty to your face so ... people who are going to transition to understand this either. They are always soooo surprised when so-&-so turns out to be less than supportive of them going from conservative, heterosexual, male to "woman".

I'm sure you're right, and the syndrome seems obvious to me. All relationships are built on one kind of affinity or another, some explicit, some not. Transition breaks a lot of them. Break the affinity, the relationship bubble pops, and suddenly you are "other." Period.

I only hear partial mitigations. Time and patience with loving relationships, particularly bearing anger, allows some bubbles to pop in lieu of detonating one like a nuke. Informing people individually and in-person, where possible. Leaving doors open, but firmly maintaining and affirming your identity. I'm not sure what else can be done, frankly. Is there more?

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm not sure what else can be done, frankly. Is there more?

Absolutely. You can cultivate the kinds of friends who are open-minded and comfortable standing up for inclusivity in the first place. Every time you put up with a racist, sexist, or heterosexist joke or remark from someone in your circle of friends, you've missed an opportunity

Coming out to someone is invariably a two-stage affair. First you find out if they're okay with it personally, and later you find out if they're willing to let others know they're okay with it. Far more people fail the second test than the first.

[PaulaQ]

Maybe acceptance isn't the right word. I don't know what the right word is. They don't doubt that I'm a woman - that's the problem. They seem as if they don't know who I am, and they hate my life now - I think it really, really bothers them. It started out so well - my coming out talk, personally delivered to each of them, went really well.

It's non-acceptance not so much about my gender, but about me as a person in their lives. They miss the guy, and want him back. Me now? Not so much.

My kids are angry with me. Really bitterly angry. My mom seems to think of me now as an enormous f-up. :/

[arbon]

You have gone through so much change the last year its hard for people to get their minds around it. Your not really the person they knew.

Transitioning can be a rather bitter experience.

[PaulaQ]

Yeah, tell me about it Theresa.

I'd thought about changing my last name to my grandmother's maiden name, out of respect and admiration for her and her sister. But maybe I should just spare my family any embarrassment and just keep my last name, or just pick something random, with no connection to my old life at all. Somehow, that seems fitting.

[Angela Campbell]

I chose my grandmothers maiden name. She is gone and no one else is using it.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Angela. My grandmother and her sister were the youngest and oldest of 13 siblings. So there are a whole lot of people who know me who have her maiden name. I may as well spare them too and just choose something else. I guess I'll change my will to not include being buried in the family cemetery where my grandmother and her sister are buried. I'll just donate my body to science or something. Who cares, I won't be around to use it anyway?

[Starling]

I think a lot of friends and family turn away because they are afraid of social disapproval. They are shy about being seen in public with a transsexual--especially during her transition--for fear it will rub off on them. To my shame, I used to feel that way myself, because I was terribly afraid of being exposed for who I really was. Now of course I embrace my sisterhood, but the only way that will change for most is with a big shift in public attitudes which, thank the gods, seems to be building.

:) Lallie

[Rachel Smith]

From one of Paula's posts
And I got back nothing from her. Not one shred of emotion. Just nothing. I think she is actually doing better, and I'm very happy about that. I mean that. But I think it's pretty obvious that we aren't very likely to ever be friends, or probably even acquaintances again. Again, not surprising, but still, hurts me some.

I went through the same thing with my wife. When we were still together she would by me women's clothes and then tell me not to wear them as much as I was. I know the hurt you feel. Losing someone you thought you would ALWAYS have in your life, at least as a friend. My ex and I talked about this but when I decided to transition that was no longer to be. I still miss our relationship even though I now have Michelle and Rick who love me and give me their full support. It's been over 6 months and I still hurt at times.

[Starling]

I wonder if some truly loving wives buy their trans husband clothes so that she won't be exposed and embarrassed at the store. It doesn't make much sense, though, if she is out. Poor everybody!

:) Lallie