Trying to understand it all ..i think

[GabbiSophia]

So your born and at that point whatever package u have is what you are labeled. That label is then taken and your life is shaped by your parents and others...i thinkwe all can agree this is pretty much how it goes....not always but for the sake of argument i will say it does....

so i thought my whole life i knew what i wanted. I saw the normal life and was taught that is the life. So here i sit today 2 months of hormones and 2 years of therapy and i still wonder why the hell didnt someone tell me that there is anti meother life. Parents do the best they can but this new knowledge sucks...and hurts... so all my effort and all my heart i put into something is now totally wrong and i get to crap on myself and all i have done. Why is it that we cant understand this crap early so we dont waste our time. Then again I wouldn't have my kids .. of course they now get to deal with something also.

This or these are my wtf moments l. I am not far enough along to experience other moments. Don t get me wrong i am setting my plans and getting my stuff together to transition. I just think it sucks that it has to happen...and trust me it does...

It is funny every time I fight tooth and nail..through all the clothes away stop looking at the Web and stop the meds..i come crashing back down almost on my knees to make the %=/# stop. Wanting two things is so hard to do... even while trying to do just one

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Gabbi I feel for you.

You just recited Chapter 7 (entitled "The bell is rung") of the middle age transsexual handbook. It tends to hit us hard if we've invested in a male life and if we've never really internally addressed the idea that we are transsexual

We all do variations of the same exact thing. I have lived through exactly the same thing as you ...and I mean exactly...I rued my past, I pitied the people i lied to, I thought about my kids and how they wouldn't exist

this thing brought me to my knees, I've pounded floors, steering wheels and walls (with a hole there to prove it).

You have to take it day by day or you will just get worse... If you can express yourself by going out more and trying to experience what it would be like to be out and about as Gabbi that can be a big comfort. You cannot unring the bell, you can try to manage the feelings its causing as best you can... one reason to really "do your best" is that I feel it was essential for me to try everything possible to not transition...I still feel a lot of guilt but I sleep well at night...I know I did my best for my kids and loved ones

[LeaP]

The anger and churn eventually burns out for most, Gabbi. It's hard to sustain and believe me, you don't want to be one of those who do. What replaces it is a new appreciation for reality as you get bits and pieces of validation. You can wind up quite liking yourself, even though a given situation is objectively crummy. You need time.

[Donna Joanne]

Gabbi, it's because we all try and live a "normal" life in the gender we were indoctrinated into. Then we realize the only way we'll ever be "normal" is to have our psyche and public gender match. And when we embrace becoming what will make us feel "normal", society tells us we're "abnormal". All you can do is be the best and happiest Gabbi that you can be. Hang in there girl!

[KellyJameson]

Most parents dread the thought of having a trans child. I certainly would because I know what is in store for them as their future.

I would respect them and do my best to guide them but I would still very much fear for them.

If you get a chance watch the movie "A girl Like Me" about Gwen Araujo. I think it does well showing how difficult it is for adults to accept a trans child but be forewarned because it is about her murder. There was much in this movie that reminded me of my own life.

It is very possible your parents sensed "you were different" and pushed you not to be.

Parents understand the dangers of not fitting in plus most parents fear being judged for their children.

When we are born the pages of our mind are blank and what is written on them concerning gender is permanent because the mind identifies with what it knows as an expression of what it is. We choose the gender we know ourselves already to be, before we understand what gender is so gender is not a choosen choice but something "put upon you" because of who you were born to be.

This does not become a problem unless you are opposite the body you reside in.

Most people don't even think about gender because for them it is largely a non issue other than the social limitations that they may push up against as the gender binary.

You are pushing up against not only this but the vessel you live within, which is very difficult for those who do not have this need to do, to be able to understand.

Only trans men and women really know the experience first hand. Others may be able to use their imagination but this is never the same as the actual experience.

You have to live it to know it. This is why I practice tolerance and forgiveness (up to a point) for non T people.

It is easy to be angry with others for not explaining it or for separating you from yourself through repressing your natural gender expresson but this is done largely from the ignorance of not understanding it and the primitive fear of fearing what they do not understand.

[GabbiSophia]

Kaitlyn right now I am trying to understand the feelings as it is the roller coaster effect. Of course with that said I maybe causing the roller coaster because I don't just give in per say. I haven't punched a hole in the wall but I have wished for someone anyone to tell me I am not trans. Please don't say its true type mentality. What's funny about 2 years ago I so wanted to be more than a cd and now it is the other way around. Guilt is a bear also but mine is not as much guilt as it is anger that I can't do it my way, my brain is controlling the show and I have to use my best judgment to keep it satisfied... which atm is hard also but I keep pushing the envelope... Yes Lea you are correct it gets old and hard to keep that anger up as it wears you out faster than stress. Some days when I am able to except and just be I am rather happy and almost playful but then a song or some other thing reminds me of what I have to go through and I get depression and anger. So I do get what you are saying. Donna I will not talk religion ...sorry ..

I stand on the edge of the cliff knowing I need to take a step into the mist but yet I know I am not ready and I cause myself even more confusion and anger. I really find it comical when I sit and take a third person look at it. I mean to openly fight with yourself is crazy ... I feel like I am in fight club except it is all mental ... well except what the stress induces..

[Rachel Smith]

Gabbi the guilt and self-loathing will kill you if you allow it to. After a week in intensive care and 2 weeks in the psych ward I found this out almost too late. Yes it sucks I believe everyone here will agree with that.
I felt very selfish in doing this if only because we have lived our whole life NOT doing what WE felt was right for us but actually living our lives for others, more or less giving of ourselves all day everyday as we tried to conform. Thus when we actually do something that makes us genuinely happy we feel like we are not considering the others in our lives as we feel we should. I had a talk with my daughter about this when I first considered this and how selfish it made me feel. Her words were sometimes OK to be selfish Dad. Of course now she hardly speaks to me and doesn't want to see me at all but that is her loss not mine.

As I said in a previous post: Life is not all wine and roses sometimes it's thorns and sour grapes.

Hugs
Rachel

[stefan37]

ya know sometimes we need to just jump. I managed and mitigated for years. It reached a point I could no longer wage the internal war. There will be major changes. That is the whole point of transition. Some changes will be welcome and many will be painful. But anything in life worth achieving will require pain. The peace you will eventually experience will be priceless. That peace will allow you to channel all the energy you are using to fight into positive energy. You will handle stress and life challenges in a much more positive way. Transition is a bitch and very difficult, but those that need to transition it is truly life altering in a great way.

[Frances]

Gabbi,
You may be fighting it too much. It should get easier and make more sense day by day, not get more complicated and tougher.

[GabbiSophia]

Frances atm i do not know how to stop fighting. I have let go about 60% and it does make sense it's just the last bit i am dealing with and it is hard fought war atm.

[Frances]

Are you fighting your guilt and outside influences or yourself? That may the key here. You may not be trans. I don't know you outside of your posts and could read them completely wrong.)

[GabbiSophia]

The things i have done and have Frances and fear

[Kaitlyn Michele]

not sure what you mean Gabbi!! maybe rephrase the answer or maybe i'm a dummy

Frances question is a good one...I fought and fought... looking back I was fighting my guilt and shame...more my guilt... I felt like I was being incredibly selfish...I had to come to terms with the idea I had to do what I had to do..

I had to really spend a lot of time concentrating on very sad and painful thoughts to get to myself..

[stefan37]

This process of self exploration is difficult and can be painful. The key for me was acceptance of me and what I needed to do. As soon as I accepted the path I needed to take, i was able to formulate a plan. There was the potential for losses and difficult times ahead. I have lost my wife and marriage and soon our home. Yes that is extremely painful. But a new chapter awaits. I am lucky. I have not lost much. I have health, a steady income, a family and friends. The energy I was consuming to fight the internal war has abated and positive energy now flows where there was much negativity.

If you are truly transsexual you will need to face the facts that you need to transition. I will not sugar coat the process. It is brutally difficult. I have been officially full time 10 months and out to family, friends and work for much longer. I am going through a difficult period right now. The freedom I have to be myself authentically regardless how others view me has allowed me a peace I have not known for a very long time.

Stop fighting with yourself and move forward. As you progress each step evaluate if it feels right. You may be uncomfortable, but if it feels right, then keep moving. Step by step. When you encounter a step that does not feel right internally. Stop. It has to feel right.

Ask yourself. Where would like to be in 5 years. Forget about the external influences. The peace you will experience will help to alleviate the external stuff.

[GabbiSophia]

Kaitlyn it's the loss of everything I have done up to this point...ie fear... Also the fact that I feel like i am quiting on my wife and famiy if i transition. I want to do it i just am a big scaredy cat ... ok so i grass on this side of the fence why can't I eat here?

[Rachel Smith]

That grass may be sweet and tasty to others but to you it is bitter and tough.

Please read the quote by Joseph Campbell in my signature.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Ok I hear you and I have been there.

For me, I just had to wait. At some point the fear gets overwhelmed by your instinct to feel alive.... I know that's a harsh way to say it, but that's the best words I can think of..

If that feeling of necessity is not there, transition is possible of course, but it is much tougher... transition is not a balancing act and those losses you fear are not necessarily going to happen, but they may happen and you have to be ready for them..if you are constantly weighing pros and cons it is pretty difficult to manage any kind of quality of life as you will never ever feel you are doing the right thing.... that's kind of where you are now...but the fear is overwhelming everything else...

being afraid of this proves you are not insane.

[GabbiSophia]

Lol some people i know would argue that o am insane ..and they are my friends and don't know yet...lol...

Part of the it is i fight the wanting to just do it..so i understand the want to live comment because that's kinda what is going on. I know it would be bad to do it atm in my life because i haven't prepared to do it for today i have planned for it in 2 years. That maybe part of my mental struggles

Actually i am reaching the point of thought .. screw everyone i want to do this and i don't care what you think.... and that scares me because i feel out of control or i am making a rash descion ...either way scares me


is this normal to kinda get a screw you attitude,?

[Angela Campbell]

I got the feeling that it was going to happen and there was little that I could do to stop it.

[Stephania]

Gabbi,
I got the screw you attitude. I figured accept me as is, or don't accept me at all.
Staphania

[stefan37]

It isn't really a screw you attitude. It is you taking control of your life. It is great you planned for this in 2 years. Guess what, your consciousness can't wait that long. You are already transitioning even though you may think so. Fast forward your schedule and take control. Until you do you will continue to wage internal war. To the detriment of your's and your families health.

[Kimberly Kael]

The "screw you" attitude is common, but that doesn't mean it is productive. It's the easy way out of dealing with conflict: burn your bridges, decide other people's point of view is irrelevant, and live life for yourself. Taken to an extreme it can result in unemployment and isolation.

I think the hardest part of transitioning is learning to assert ourselves while considering the needs of others. Drawing a line that gives you a right to self-expression is essential to breaking out of the box everyone is keeping you in, but doing so without alienating potential allies means careful consideration of just where the line goes. People need time and education to adjust to your new identity. Lashing out or making them feel bad about themselves can prolong the process indefinitely.

[GabbiSophia]

I have finally figured out a huge point for me. My wife and i laughed for a bit when i said it out loud. I hate and i mean i hate being told what i have to do. Even if that person is myself and i always have to try to prove them wrong. I am not sure why but when i have internal dialog it is the same way.

[SassySal]

"I know it would be bad to do it atm in my life because i haven't prepared to do it for today i have planned for it in 2 years. That maybe part of my mental struggles

Actually i am reaching the point of thought .. screw everyone i want to do this and i don't care what you think.... and that scares me because i feel out of control or i am making a rash descion ...either way scares me...is this normal to kinda get a screw you attitude,?"

If what you mean is that you have two year plan, (as in a transition that would take two years to complete), this seems reasonable. If you are planning to just wait two years, then 'go for it'...that just seems like a mind game to me.

I think that rather than just struggling against this amorphous "need", it might ne better to try to define and understand just what it is you need so desperately that you would be willing to sacrifice your life as you now know it, in order to satisfy that need.

Once you have done that, clearly and unequivocally understood just what exactly you absolutely need o survive...then you can begin to formulate a plan that has a high chnce of success and causes the least amount of collateral damage.