She knows...

[Wildaboutheels]

BUT... I can only wear/I can't wear...

Very few who water here seem to have full, unconditional 100% acceptance from their SOs. Which I think is a good thing for many reasons. Carte Blanche seems like a prime recipe for getting carried away with this CDing thing or any other thing if given free reign.

Just yesterday another thread was posted and..

"Well I had to make a very difficult decision about my dressing it had been a rough few months with my wife and even though I tried to get her to understand I pushed to hard and I also think the pink fog clouded my judgement somewhat".

^^^seems to happen to many here because of FIC [Forum Induced Courage]

1] What "restrictions" do you live with in your dressing both at home and/or IF you go out dressed? [and have a SO of course]

2] Do you think they are fair?

3] Did you negotiate for them or are they simple "declarations" from your SO and if they are do you consider yourself in a DADT arrangement?

[Emi_]

I stand by a comment I made in the thread you are referring to: If I am not willing to sacrifice - even if it kills me - for my wife, then she does not deserve me for a husband and I certainly don't deserve to have her for a wife.

As to your questions:

1) I get to dress in anything I like so long as I do not create a scene. I can shop for any clothes or makeup I want so long as it doesn't break the budget. I get to go out if I wish so long as I let her know where I'm going, who I'm with, etc.

2) I believe my wife is far more than fair with me. i am extremely blessed to be able to do what I wish as far as cross-dressing is concerned. I have privileges that I know many only dream of.

3) Our marriage is an open conversation, we discuss EVERYTHING. Communication has led to a set of parameters that has evolved naturally as we work through each issue and new step in this exploration. There have been times when that has also meant stepping back and slowing down or even stopping things that were okay previously. I respect her needs and feelings and desires and she respects mine. We don't always manage all of this perfectly and there have been some missteps, but we are happy and growing and I have a lot of freedom for a cross-dresser as a result.

[Marcelle]

Hi WAH . . . I will respond to this but then again it is particular to my own situation and may not be the same for others.

1. Restrictions are not in the vocabulary of mine and my wife's relationship. She no more restricts me from doing things then I would dare to restrict her . . . we are partners not each other's jailer or parent. CDing is no different. She does not restrict my choice of clothing, when I dress or where I go any more that I would restrict what she can wear or when she can go out with her friends. What we do have is mutually agreed upon boundaries which take into account both our feelings. So if she is going to a jazz club with her friends one night, Isha will not show up with her friends out of respect and vice versa. She may offer advice on what looks good on me but she would never say you can't wear that. But then again I will tell her what I think looks good on her as well.

2. As stated . . . no restrictions but our boundaries are fair because we both decided together. There is no one sided conversation, no demands, no pouting, fist stomping or whatever. We are adults in a loving relationship and we treat each other with respect . . . so fair yes. :)

3. As stated above . . . negotiated as adults.

Hugs

Isha

[Rachael Leigh]

Hi well since it's my thread you speak of I did for years try and communicate with her about my feelings but she had her thoughts about this and pretty much it was well if that's what you want it's not what I want.
She still pretty much comes from that process, still believes this is basically wrong for a man to wear anything that comes from the women's department in a store.
There in lyes the problem, I've come to understand there just clothes and just because I perfer a skirt over jeans or ladies shorts over ugly guys shorts should not matter.
So this is what I deal with so what I'm trying to do now is not get in deep again
Cut back but again I feel unless I remove all of this it will never be enough but that will just make me

Miserable. It's just never easy


Isha you speak of respecting each other, well that for me is the real big issue. For her she's so afraid that if someone she or I know ever found out about me it would ruin her reputation and she would be embarrassed.
I somewhat understand but I've come to the conclusion who cares I'm me and have my choices I'm not pushing it on anyone else it's my choice. I have strong feelings about other things as well because life is always about choices

[Wildaboutheels]

Well, there have been many threads where some GGs are OK with "most" clothes. Or makeup. Or wigs. Or forms. But at home, it seems many [at least at home] just have something they do not want to see? Something, that simply rubs them the wrong way.

But I guess if a CDer wasn't going to leave the house, it's unlikely they would bother dressing "completely"? It takes many here a long time to get completely dressed does it not? If one is not going out, all that effort would seem wasted. Don't many here spend at least 15 minutes or more on makeup alone?

[Teresa]

Leigh you raise several points in your reply, quoting Isha about mutual respect is an important issue because I think it's easy to lose respect on both sides. Your wife loses it maybe in her eyes because you've become less of a man, and you lose it because your deep feelings aren't being respected.
The embarrassment problem, well a CDer stays in the closet because of it ! we come out to our wives and she suffers it ! ALL because society puts a blinkered view on what is normal !! I agree with you, I'm getting too old to care and be hiding behind closed doors !! I'm not going to stop being a CDer so the situation has got to change ! It has to be discussed sensibly but on equal terms both of us will have to make sacrifices but if we both want to be happy for the rest of our lives it's got to happen .

[Susan Stevens]

I was super lucky to win my wife's heart! Since fully disclosing my feminine side to her we have had a lot of discussions on the issues. The only restrictions I have, are the ones I put on myself, and she has supported me completely. She surprised me a couple weeks back when I was out of town and told her I was going to order delivery after I changed and finished my makeup. She laughed and told me I was getting brave. I am not ready to be completely out in the real world yet, probably will have more opportunities and desire after we move and find a more tolerant city/area. I don't think she would stop me, except maybe to straighten my wig or something.

The limitations I put on myself come from mutual understanding and communication of where our families needs and limitations are. I think if I allowed the fog to take over, she would rightfully pull me back into reality. As husband and wife we have done a great job in making up for each other's short comings and lifting up our strengths, now I sound like a bragging jerk... What I mean to say is, we have a very open line of communication and we are willing to take a step back when we need to. We don't declare laws onto each other, but we try to consider how our actions will affect the other and the children, then work together to make it part of normal life.

[Cheryl T]

I am one of the 100% club and so very lucky in that respect.
As for restrictions, the only one requested by my spouse was that if I go out, she goes with me. In her words "even if it's just to call 911". She's afraid someone will over react and there will be trouble so she would prefer to be there in case, not that she could do anything to stop it, but she would still feel better knowing.

Other than that she just requested (not demanded) that it not be to the exclusion of all else and that was quite easy to agree to. It has not become the "end all and be all" after 10 years and never will. The balance was long established. Even sometimes when we go out and she is not feeling that great she will not ask to go home as she doesn't want to shorten my time out. I've told her repeatedly that that doesn't matter as I can still be dressed at home if I choose or we can just go out another day.

I have other things that I am involved in and of course have the house and home to maintain, so there are lots of things that keep me busy. Luckily my free time is just that...free to be me or whatever.

[ambigendrous]

I'll take a stab at this:

1] What "restrictions" do you live with in your dressing both at home and/or IF you go out dressed? [and have a SO of course]

I can wear anything I want, any time I want, while at home. My wife prefers that I don't go out dressed, but would not stop me if I wanted to go out; and that the family not know. She also would prefer that I don't wear makeup.

2] Do you think they are fair?

This is completely fair to me - I have no desire to go out dressed at all - I''m happy staying home, whether in pants or dresses. I'm basically a homebody anyway; I don't have any interest in makeup - I've never been very artistic, and have no desire to learn, and I enjoy my beard and moustache too much to get rid of them; and the family (2 sons, both happily married with kids) doesn't need to know - the grandkids have enough on their plates just surviving today's societal pressures without having to deal with it.

3] Did you negotiate for them or are they simple "declarations" from your SO and if they are do you consider yourself in a DADT arrangement?

Negotiate? Well, when we talked it over many years ago she asked if I could live with these restrictions, and I agreed that I could, and I meant it - I have no problems living with the restrictions. She lets me buy clothes online, and in person, and often compliments me on my choices. The ONLY thing she's ever put her foot down on is pierced ears - she says it would be too hard to explain to friends and family, and I don't mind wearing clip-ons so that's not even an issue.

In summary: after 43+ years of marriage we are still in love, and we put up with each other completely. None of us is perfect - but if you find your soul mate you do everything in your power to make sure you stay together forever!

[heatherdress]

No restrictions.

My wife knows how much I love to be Heather and she encourages me to be Heather as often as I can. My dressing has deepened our intimacy. She enjoys her girlfriend and her lover - me.

[Beverley Sims]

For some reason my wife does not like me wearing wigson some occasions.
I am still trying to work this one out.
Does she think I look too much like a woman?
I can go out without her dressed how I like.

[Zylia]

How about self-imposed boundaries? I don't have the wish or feel the need to interact with people who don't expect (or are accustomed to) a 'guy in drag', so I don't go out much. My relatively tame wardrobe is the result of a self-imposed boundary as well: I don't look like a teenager, so I'm not going to dress like one either.

Some guys here may have reached a point in their lives where a accidental outing to a neighbour, friend, colleague, relative et cetera isn't going to have that big of an effect, but that shouldn't be the case for everyone, it certainly isn't the case for me. Restrictions may seem unfair, but some are pretty reasonable. There's a lot to lose and not much to win, except acknowledgement that you're somewhat of an eccentric person.

[kimdl93]

1. Until two months ago I was unrestricted and felt I was part of the 100%group too. Then my wife knowledges having a private meltdown, seeking counseling and coming to a somewhat better place in her attitudes. At that time she asked if I would agree to a compromise...a day dressed a day not, at least for a while, as she got her head fully around the concept. But she also asked for a break from my dressing and that's where we are today.
2. I don't particularly like the current situation. I very much prefer living my private life, with her, as a woman and feel a god deal of discomfort having to put that part of me aside for the moment. I am glad she was honest with me, finally, and that in the process she has come to a better understanding and appreciation of who I am and what underlying factors made me as I am.
3. Not so much a negotiation. She made a request and I went along with it. I think there was more going on emotionally with her than just my dressing. She had a daughters wedding coming up, unusually stressful circumstances at work, and she was beginning peri menopause. That's a tough emotional combination. Most of that is behind us now, so I'm hoping, fingers crossed, that we can ease back into a mutually acceptable arrangement.

[devida]

My wife can no more restrict me than I can restrict her. We don't have a marriage based on dominance games. We do have a marriage based on mutual respect and listening to each other's advice. Since she is the expert on women's clothes I am guided by what she thinks. She recently bought me some V necked T shirts. She explained she didn't like them because they were feminine, and to quote her, not in a good way. Sometimes I disagree with her advice and sometimes she changes her mind after I wear something for a while. For example she was reluctant for me to wear bras or for me to present with breasts. Now, however, she is fine with small breasts, which is what I want anyway. All I needed to do to change her mind was explain that my being transgender required the presentation, at least ambiguously, of some non male sexual characteristics. Obviously her advice is based on her personal taste but since her taste and mine are very similar that works.

Our relationship is one of mutually equal adults. Fairness only appears as an issue if there is a power imbalance in the relationship. We work hard for equality. Equality in relationships is not easy. It's not a given. Most of us are conditioned to power imbalances in marriage and partnered relationships, usually because that was what we saw in our parent's relationship. In most marriages, including ours, gaining a relationship of equality required many arguments and sometimes crazy scenes because we are both strong personalities with strong opinions and a belief in our own authority. But, over the years, we succeeded. We just won't play those games any more. We find them toxic and depressing.

To get there we had to do a number of things. We had to each understand that we could be wrong. We had to allow ourselves to be both weak and strong in front of each other. We had to and have to communicate all the time. We had to consider if a personal course of action would affect the other and if it would we had to discuss it. We had to have no secrets while respecting that there was no necessity to know every little thing about each other. Our house is not a surveillance state. My SO can ask me absolutely anything and I will answer her as honestly as I can. Most importantly we had to commit to being kind and polite to each other in all circumstances. We had to become each other's advocate, not only to other people but even to ourselves. None of this was easy but with luck, effort and maturity (at any age), and the recognition that it is an ongoing process, it is possible. We are almost certainly happier with each other than we have ever been after being with each other pretty much 24/7 for 30 years.

[5150 Girl]

For the most part with my ex, it was a DADT policy. I was still in the closet anyway. After she left (largly due to fiscal reasons) I started to inch out of that nasty old closet, and when I met my Polar Bear, I was Sarah Palin for Halloween, which opened up the discussion of, and was totally up front about it, and this is how I am.