TS Reality Episode 9 - Bah, Humbug!

[LeaP]

Ghost of Christmas Present
Ebenezer Scrooge
The sins of man are huge
A neverending symphony
Of villainy and infamy
Duplicity, deceit, and subtefuge
And no one's worse than Ebenezer Scrooge
Though man's a handy candidate for Hell
I must admit life sometimes has it's brighter side as well

I like life
Life likes me
Life and I fairly fully agree
Life is fine
Life is good
'Specially mine, which is just as it should be
I like pouring the wine and why not?
Life's a pleasure that I deny not

I like life
Here and now
Life and I made a mutual vow
'Till I die
Life and I
We'll both try to be better somehow
And if life were a woman
She would be my wife

Scrooge
Why?

Ghost of Christmas Present
Why? Because I like life!

Scrooge
That's all very well for you. But I hate life

Ghost of Christmas Present
Nonsense man! Why?

Scrooge
Because life hates me, that's why!

I sympathize (with Scrooge). What? You didn't know he's a sympathetic character? Well, if there's anything a MTF doesn't want to end up being, it's a bitter old man! One of the little lessons of A Christmas Carol, of course, is that it completely SUCKS being a bitter old man. Even when he claims to like his life, justifies it, and claim it as superior to all others. Thing is, he doesn't really even know he's miserable! Unfortunately, winding up that way is highly likely. Anne Vitale even has it (more or less, let's not quibble) as one of her life stages for the untreated transsexual. So why the sympathy? 'Cause that's my life, Bunky, minus the little piles of gold on the desk.

BS you say. And I say nay, it's true! But, you ask, just how does a T-girl experience life, anyway? How is it any different than anyone else's? I mean it's the fantasy, isn't it? ... Livin' the dream! Right? RIGHT?? How is a (potential) T-girl to know?

What a great question!

Fortunately, a great deal of the intellectual capital throughout history has gone into writing handy little aphorisms capturing EXACTLY what life is like! Isn't that great? Well ... YES, except they didn't have little girls in boys' bodies in mind. No, those experiences are a teeeeny bit different. But the sayings are great for making comparisons! So let's compare!

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. (You HAD to know this one was coming. Didn't you?) This generally means that life is unpredictable for most people. The chocolate box takes the edge off and conveys a sense of happiness and the discovery of delights. Mmmm - I got a caramel! And I got a fudge center! Maybe you were thrilled with nougat if you're a little left of center. But all this is for regular old people. What it's like for the poor TS is that we get the jelly. Every. Damn. Time. And while you CAN pick the chocolate coating off and eat it, it's, well, compensating for what you really wanted. Yes'm, a bourbon center would have been FINE! And so after picking a few jellies, we start poking our fingers in the chocolates first - and ruin it for everyone.

Life is like a multiple choice question, sometimes the choices confuse you, not the question itself. For example, you may think "OMG, I know I want to go to college ... Mater, shall I away to Hahvahd or Yale? Perhaps study classics at Williams? Yes, I know I'm a legacy at Trinity, but they're so ... British there." Ok, ok, so that's not folks either. So make it Walmart vs. Target or something. Same diff., this is a democracy. And the TS? It's sex worker or unemployed. Hot Springs Community College or University of the Siberias. But that's when you KNOW the question! Oh Lord, that's funny! Oh, we always have *A* question - just not one relevant to the choices at hand! Nope, it's more like Walmart or Target when the question is "which open heart surgeon ..."

Life is like a B-movie. You don’t want to leave in the middle of it but you don’t want to see it again. This one posits the good fun in familiar, predictable, conventional, patterned things. Yeah, they suck, but they sure are campy! So enjoy! Just know that if you take your first date to another one, it will be the last date. Regular people extend the concept to all kinds of things. It's a down-home way of saying that if life is sometimes blah, it still beats keeling over dead in front of the grandchildren like Marlon Brando in The Godfather! For the TS? It's "Damn, I'm not waiting THAT long! Hell no, I'm killing myself NOW!" And then, we do. The movie really does suck.

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. This not the best way to learn, of course. It tells you that you must learn as you go along. No choice. Brace yourself! But at least it's a musical instrument, for crying out loud. It's not like telling you that you have to learn how to drop a nuclear weapon on your mother on the fly. The TS have to learn life as we go, too. Except WE don't get to play OUR instrument. Nope, we have to learn yours. It's the tuba.

Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will. What a thoughtful line. Thank you, Mr. Nehru! Wow - that's powerful, isn't it? Sheer will can overcome anything! No predetermined, ultimate end points! Yes, every action IS choice, whether you do it consciously or not. The theoretical framework isn't bad even for the TS! As a purely practical matter, though - just a little thing, really ... I almost hesitate to mention it - the one thing the entire planet accepts as deterministic is biology. I.e., that the TS are off our rockers. Alas.

So, tote 'em up! Or don't! No matter which side of the perspective line you fall, YOU (yes you) could be living the dream! Take heart and start your journey. Right now! I can ASSURE you that there will be no disappointment along the way! No, if it's not for you, that will wait to the very end, when you discover what fun it is playing someone else's tuba. It's enough to make you want to drop a nuclear weapon on your head.

But do get used to disappointment, because detransition absolutely shits.

[Jorja]

Being at the beginning to middle of transition I can see how one could think this way. I know I did for quite a while after SRS. Something happened along the way over the years. Those that used to give me crap slowly disappeared. Maybe they moved away. Maybe they died. I can't say for sure. The nay sayers became less and less. Then I moved to another state following my job. I arrived as a woman and was always known as a woman. Not a Tgirl. Not a transwoman. Not that guy that thinks he is a woman. They did not know the difference. I was Jorja and no one questioned my gender. I was free at last. Oh yes, there have been many disappointing things along the way but life is like that, just when everything is coming up roses someone craps on them. That is the way life is though. Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. My life has been wonderful for the last 34 years. Life is what you make it.

[LeaP]

JORJA!

You're cheerleading. :eek:

Crap. Now I've done it. Called out the most senior (post-op sense!) TS here. This being the elite hierarchy it is and all, I will surely die the death. But it won't be sudden and obvious. Noooo. It will likely happen in the OR at some point.

"Poor Lea, it was a terrible accident. Imagine that - such a teeny slip and there goes 8 liters of blood. Tsk."

I can only plead that I couldn't help myself. I'm just so, so committed to honesty these days. Or maybe I'm nuts. [stifled giggle]

[Jorja]

Cheerleading, no just being honest. Almost everyone here is near the beginning to about 4 years out. As I recall, that was the hardest time I had. You are going through a very difficult time in your life. Half of the time you don't know up from down let alone left from right. It seems that everyone is in your face about your business. You have been told your going to hell and most want to help send you there.

As hard as it might be to believe right now, all of this turmoil will settle out for you. There will be a point where you realize everything is going to be alright. It will just click one day. Life will be as it should have been all along.

[kimdl93]

I got the Scrooge part. He did, afterall, undergo a dramatic transition that helped rid him of his chronic emotional distress. And I am so glad to learn that I am not the only one who abhors this nasty jelly filled chocolates. Are they some kind of sick joke on the chocolate buying public?

While were quoting from Forrest Gump," ... I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

That's all I have to say about that.

[Rogina B]

I am sure glad Jorja comments on the long term perspective...

[KellyJameson]

Sometimes expectations lead to disappointment.

I like taking bubble baths and as a child I would use the bubbles to hide the sight of my body from myself but I don't need to do that anymore.

I was numb to my body before but now when I look at or touch myself it is with affection.

Its this affection you want to know and it has nothing to do with perfection because I have a long list of imperfections, some imagined and others very real but I really cannot tell the difference between the two but I have reached a point where it does not matter and you will to.

I brought out from the deepest parts of me this image and made it "real enough"

I did what I had to do for me and no one else.

In my opinion there is a spiritual dimension to transitioning because doing so deepened my understanding of love by being able to find the self that was lost and than falling in love with what I found.

Transitioning reunites you with yourself as if a fracture has been healed.

There are good reasons people use the phrase of being imprisoned by their bodies and transitioning is breaking out of this prison.

The prison is not imposed on you by the constraits of society but in those private moments of feeling like a stranger in your own body.

Keep in mind that you are slowly feeling like less of a stranger to yourself even in all these disappointments.

I highly recommend bubble baths, candles, soft music and incense.

If your hair is long be careful where you set the candles. Trust me on this one !

[becky77]

I got the Scrooge part. He did, afterall, undergo a dramatic transition that helped rid him of his chronic emotional distress.
Not sure Lea was expecting old scrooge to be an inspiration :) But it's true, the essense of the story is the ability to completely change your outlook.


The prison is not imposed on you by the constraits of society but in those private moments of feeling like a stranger in your own body. Keep in mind that you are slowly feeling like less of a stranger to yourself even in all these disappointments.

So very true, it's those moments, naked in the bathroom that I feel the greatest sense of despair. At that point it doesn't seem to matter how I feel inside, when I see myself in the mirror it's so brutally telling me another story.


Almost everyone here is near the beginning to about 4 years out. As I recall, that was the hardest time I had. You are going through a very difficult time in your life. Half of the time you don't know up from down let alone left from right. It seems that everyone is in your face about your business. You have been told your going to hell and most want to help send you there.

As hard as it might be to believe right now, all of this turmoil will settle out for you. There will be a point where you realize everything is going to be alright. It will just click one day. Life will be as it should have been all along.
Thanks Jorja. Everyone needs that hope, without hope what's the point. Some would say, prepare for a life of shit and I think oh well thanks, might aswell kill myself now!
It's always good to have some positive energy. Nothing wrong with cheerleading as long as it's realistic and not unattainable delusion.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

.....
I like taking bubble baths and as a child I would use the bubbles to hide the sight of my body from myself .....



I did exactly this as well... you left out the part about pretending that when the bubbles went away they had turned you into a girl.:o

[Edyta_C]

Thanks LeaP for another great insightful post. All the comments were interesting too!
Edy

[Xrys]

Thanks Lea, it seems I only find posts like these on the days i need them most.