A Turning Point

[Paula DAngelo]

I AM PAULA, and it's time, there's no longer any chance of putting it off. There, I've said it, and now it's time to really doing something about it. For a while now I've known what I wanted, but I've been able to control/delude myself into thinking I could continue as I have been. Outside of work I'm Paula and for the time I'm at work I have pretended to be what everyone thinks I should be. Don't get me wrong, in many ways I've been lucky. I'm 5'8", 155 lbs, with body measurements of 36,28,34, and facial hair light enough so that with a good shave I can almost go without any type of makeup/cover. Sounds great doesn't it? Well it was for a while. It wasn't to hard to hide the "male" parts and add the "female" parts, but all that's changed. What caused this change of thoughts was something that probably will sound like it's so minor that most will find it hard to believe. Two days ago my relief at work called off sick and I got stuck working half of the next shift before anyone showed up to relieve me. In the past when I've had days like this I've been content to come home and remove the fake me and not had to do much else. This time I did the same but things were different. I saw the body that wasn't right and it made me sad, but what really got to me was when I looked at my face and there was the slight shadow forming, which up until then I had always been able to ignore. This is the first time that I can honestly say that I hated what I saw and what I was. At that point it didn't matter how tired i was or felt, I couldn't stay that way. I know what I'm risking, everything up to and including my life. Is the risk worth the benefit, I can only answer for me, and for me it's a yes, it's worth everything to be me.

After all this I guess I'm wondering is it possible for something that is so minor to have such an impact. I'd love to hear what others think and what type of things caused them to realize it was time.

[Kimberly Kael]

When the dam breaks, it breaks. It doesn't matter whether it's a trickle or a flood that causes it. The pressure simply builds up over time for some. The hard part is recognizing whether what you're feeling will subside or not.

[AllieSF]

Yes, a small thing can have a big unwanted impact. According to Murphy's Law, that will also happen at the least opportune moment. In your case you worked an extra shift, were tired and thus your eyes and mind were also tired and saw something that they have seen many times in the past and readily accepted, except this time. I personally would write it off to the longer work time. I would also use it as a reality check and see what can you learn from this and try to do something positive if something can be done with positive results.

[KellyJameson]

Trying to pretend to others that you are one thing when you know you are another uses up incredible amounts of energy because it requires constant control.

This leaves you in an anxious and fragile emotional state so anything can knock you down.

I'm done with hair removal but every once in a while I find a lone survivor in some weird place and with my hair being black against white skin it really stands out.

It is annoying but in the past I would have had a melt down because I was in a more fragile state.

The less you are living against yourself as your body and how you present yourself to others the less fragile you will be.

Think of all these things as "trauma triggers" because gender dysphoria is traumatic so you are in a sense a life long victim of trauma.

Transitioning places you in the position of needing to do something that in itself is traumatic while you are experiencing trauma so I often felt the cure was worse than the disease from having to do something traumatic while already in a fragile condition.

I often wondered if I would survive it and I think I partly continued because I had reached a point where I did not care.

There are huge risks every step of the way so you have to let go of your life to find it.

All I can say concerning gender identity for the transsexual is that nothing is minor because you are fighting for something you never had and have always needed.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Be careful of pronouncements like this.
it could mean something, but also it may not...

Lots of non trans people hate their bodies...lots of cd's hate their bodies (sometimes)..

The short answer is yes.... there can always be a tipping point where everything changes...often you can look back and see when it was...for me it was reading a specific article about gender variant people...

maybe you are experiencing something like this but I wouldn't jump so high so fast..

I know you say you know what you are risking and its going to be worth it, but I would be surprised if you have all the info you need to make that statement.

What have you done so far to be able to say that? that's a sincere question, not a critique..

[anaissa]

Hi Paula. For me it wasn't a moment in time, but rather a years-long battle of the two me's. I desperately tried to convince myself that all was correctly constructed in my world, but after years of fighting the depression, anxiety, and angst, I started seeing a qualified gender therapist. It was the decision to make that first appointment that was my turning point. It came one day when the image I saw in the mirror repulsed me. Though I have had a generalized dysphoria about my male body for years, it was this one day that all sorts of feelings came crashing in. I picked up the phone and I began my current journey. I know that I have much to deal with, but I look forward to taking the time to get this right. I wish you much luck and love and I truly hope that you will take the time to thoughtfully proceed.

[PretzelGirl]

I had my trigger last November. For me, the path was to use all the professionals I could for every step. Some thoughts are strong and some are fleeting. Sometimes external events stress us and we place too much value in things we think are large. I wanted to make sure I had all the checkpoints in place. Once I started feeling driven, I knew I needed help being objective. If you can handle the pace, I highly recommend seeing therapists and doctors that adhere to WPATH standards, maybe with some variance based on their experience. Good luck!