A question for Tinkerbell and the other GG’s

[Donnagirl]

I have been a little troubled by the recent spate of posts with the common thread that we, the cross dressing husbands are somehow unworthy, we are not the loving partners we all hope to be. We all, apparently, possess this deceitful negative part of our being that taints our very existence and negates our right to be in a loving relationship. We are evil incarnate, somehow tricking our spouses into their living nightmares. We do not deserve their love, have not earned their companionship and are only marking time until we trash our relationships, create outcastes of our spouses and go on to live our own selfish existences… If we are cast out like ‘Wednesdays garbage’, well that is probably too good for us anyway. We deserve all we get and more… So what hope exists?????

I’ve recently ridden the rollercoaster of emotions, experienced the worst that we can impose and seen the damage that can be caused to a relationship by what we do. Whether forum induced or the mid-life crisis reaction we have when we already own a sports car a big motorcycle, I cannot explain the surge, the pink fog induce over reactions that precipitated the response that occurred for me earlier this year. Did I deserve it? Probably yes. Did I cash in all and any rights to claim to be, to remain a loving, caring, supporting husband??? Well your call!!!

Is my marriage somehow in a lesser category than others?

I have worked hard all my life, served my country in the armed forces, now serve and protect the community I live in. I currently earn several times the average wage, but am I less worthy than the unemployed husband who tries (and often fails) to support his family on welfare??

As much as work allows (and that’s all I’ll permit to interfere), I’m there for the family, at sport, at school, where ever I’m needed. And yet should I feel less worthy than the husband whose life is consumed by sport, gambling, alcohol, narcotics, fishing, golf… or any other distraction???

I love and cherish my wife, I value and honour our vows. I would sacrifice myself to protect her, do anything to please her and do everything I can to provide for her every wish. And yet I’m made to feel less worthy than the husband who reverts to domestic violence and holds the relationship hostage to fear. Can that be ever be justified???

I can never know how my wife truly feels, but is what I do the total show stopper it is painted to be??? Yes we are all good at making excuses for our dressing, justifying, validating, rationalising our actions but is all this really necessary.

Is what we do really that bad?? Do we all really deserve the pariah tag so quickly applied???

I’ve been away from the wife and kids for a week now, with several more days to go. Should she be happy I’m not there to embarrass her, to impinge on her right to the feminine and to usurp her ownership to make up, beautiful clothes and high heels? Does that hour or two when the opportunity presents each month damage her self-esteem that much?

I, as a CDer of this community, have joined in the ceding of the moral high ground, the acquiescing and the outpouring of apologies recently. I have offered my explanations, my excuses and I’ve tabled my statements in mitigation. But are we offering too much without due consideration in return? Is there any give and take? Are we entitled to some leeway?

As you put recently, I only ask to add voice to those who surf anonymously. Is a little introspection and re-evaluation warranted?

[Lorileah]

Moderator's note: 3 deletions already. The OP asks GGs. If you ain't a GG, don't answer. Easy nuff?

[kittypw GG]

I love and cherish my wife, I value and honour our vows. I would sacrifice myself to protect her, do anything to please her and do everything I can to provide for her every wish. And yet I’m made to feel less worthy than the husband who reverts to domestic violence and holds the relationship hostage to fear. Can that be ever be justified???

?

No body can make you feel less worthy or anything else. Perhaps you could get some professional help with that? I think your whole thread sounds whiny and selfish. I think you have missed every point that a gg wife would want you to get. In my house this sort of behavior was followed by a temper tantrum and a purge. I always hated that but over time I just let him throw all his stuff away. I stopped caring if he had money to buy more too. All this whiny crap just wears a person out.

[MatildaJ.]

If you're happy only dressing an hour or two a month, and you apologized sincerely for whatever actual lies you've told (which is different from not knowing that this would become so strong an urge), then I don't think anyone on this site would see you as a "pariah" or as "evil incarnate." Personally, I'd just see you as a normal, not-perfect human, trying to get along in life.

But some of the things you say make it sound like you're not happy dressing just an hour or two a month. You mention above being overcome by the pink fog, for instance. You've also written recently about letting your CDing become known to other people, and that you expect your workplace to find out too. That's a little unusual for someone who only wants to dress a couple of hours a month.

And in this thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?215874-Who-was-I-kidding, you say that after eight days of not dressing, you're really feeling terrible and turning to red wine as a substitute.

If you actually would prefer to CD most of the time, and are restraining yourself to a couple of hours a month in order to keep your wife happy or to keep your employment, that may show itself in some level of resentment and unhappiness which undermines your relationship.

[Donnagirl]

You are right... How can we really tell the truth when we are still learning it ourselves? What I believed only a few months ago has changed and it's not because I lied back then, to my wife or my self... This is such a strange thing to be taking over a major part of you existence.

As for letting work and others know. That is something I am forced to do. I hold clearances that require me to declare circumstances that may present a risk of coersion or blackmail. As part of this I need to be more 'public' to mitigate the risk.

[MatildaJ.]

This is such a strange thing to be taking over a major part of your existence.

Exactly. It's not about any one judging you as "evil," it's about you and everyone else coming to terms with the major changes which are happening in your life.

If you develop a new persona, you can't expect people to treat you as if you hadn't changed. But you can expect (and demand) that people treat you with respect.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Hi Donna :)

I'm with Jess on this one - it's not that you're a bad guy (you actually sound like you're the one catching the bad guys!), it's that you're a different guy from the one your wife married. You're a guy who likes to look like a woman and you're not even yet sure how often or important this is to you? Not to mention, other people might soon know about Donna??

Yeah, that's hard on a marriage. You don't deserve name calling or trash tossing, but the thought that this marriage just wasn't what I wanted would definitely be on my mind if I were your wife. Especially given how manly you've been throughout your relationship. This is probably even harder on her than wives who marry effeminate men and discover crossdressing - she must feel like she married a stranger! How long has she known about Donna?

But with all that, I still don't think you're the bad guy unworthy of love. Are you worthy of it to your wife? I guess that depends on how differently she now sees you. If all she can see is Donna, and all she can feel is betrayed, then it's impossible to know how much she will live with - especially if you're feeling lost and confused yourself...and it sounds like the dressing is only now showing it's full force? How much further will you go? Do you even know? Can you imagine how anxious she must be?

As for what you do being worse than abuse or affairs etc, honestly, they're just too different to compare. Abuse is an obvious big bad, an affair is beyond painful and most marriages won't recover that betrayal, while crossdressing at face value is a harmless activity that has the capacity to rip lives apart when in the wrong hands. That's not just the bigoted public either - it is a weapon when in the hands of an obsessive, selfish husband caught in a Pink Fog. Then, crossdressing has the ability to shred marriages and destroy families.

Not always so harmless, after all.

So, I don't think crossdressing is bad, Donna. I think the general public are confused about it which leaves most women feeling naturally anxious about it as what would our friends and family think etc. I also believe any wife who loves her husand would try and understand.

But there ARE crossdressers who behave badly, and these are the ones who rightfully get tossed out with Wednesday's trash. From what I've read of your posts, your doing your best not to become one of them and I really hope you succeed. Your wife sounds very important to you x

[Donnagirl]

Wise words, as always Tinkerbell, thanks...

Yes this is hard, Donna has been here but hidden away for most of our marriage and why she is out now with force is a surprise to me as well as to my SO. What's even stranger is that as I try to slow things down and regain that grip on reality, she is becoming more encouraging. I'm not complaining... I'm just happy that she no longer see Donna as a threat to our relationship... She may even be seeing her as a friend!

I just hope and believe we can find that happy medium and regain some stability. I would not wish the last 6 months on anyone.

[Coping2014]

Hey there - I'm just tossing in my two cents and by NO means do I feel I have a handle on all of this and KNOW what is right - every relationship is different and reacts differently. We can only hope to learn from each others experiences and make the best choices for ourselves.

I come here to the forums to vent and to learn. It is refreshing to be able to share with other GG wives that are in the same boat as me so I know that it's not abnormal to have these feelings of guilt, shame, or whatever - but on the same note I come here to remember the OTHER side of the spectrum and for me that is how my husband is feeling and what he is going through because sometimes when we are struggling with something we forget that the other person is struggling as well.

It is in these forums that I have realize that sometimes he may be quiet not because he doesn't want to share with me but that he's scared he's bringing it up to much - which I took that question to him and YES that was the case - we talked it over and that issue was solved.

I also found out that making limits for him was not about me dictating what he can and can't do but more of a way to share with him that this is where my comfort level is compromised and out of respect and for the time being would you PLEASE not push this particular topic. Once we understood that and it wasn't a set of RULES he had to abide by we were both ok with it - again we talked and worked through it.

NONE of this would have happened no matter how much we talked had I not heard from the other side of things -your side- of how you feel and how my husband might be feeling. I feel quite fortunate to have a non judgmental sounding board for me to go to in a time of need and frustration.

SO with that being I was a bit off put by how you sounded in your original post - I get that you are angry but I also don't feel that the wives are the enemy just as I don't feel like my husband or other CDers are the enemy. But cutting through the tone of your post the ending result (at least in my life and in my humble opinion) is that it is all about balance.

I do understand that you get caught up in the 'pink fog' as it is represented as a lot in the forums but that doesn't remove any responsibility from you being a caring and supporting spouse. Everyone has things they are passionate about in life and love and want MORE OF - sometimes well heck MOST times as adults we have to sacrifice our needs for others that is the one CRAP thing about being an adult. But does that mean that the other person in your life is trying to cause you pain.

My husband and I are struggling with how much he wants to spend on the CDing - he has admitted he almost enjoys the buying it more than anything (as he has realize the trying them on and things not looking as you pictured is heartbreaking -something that because of this journey we both now know that we share this understanding) but we just can't afford to let him buy to his hearts content. It just isn't realistic. I'm not trying to HOLD HIM BACK or purposefully cause him pain but sometimes reality hurts.

As for emotionally - I am working to give him everything he needs with in reason of me staying sane as well. You may have had this internal struggle for awhile and are ready to fix it with dressing out in the open and feel a sense of freedom because the secret is out but we haven't - in my case I have only really know for just 2 months. I thought I would be ok for him to just do what he needs to do and I will deal with it as I can and let him know what I have issues with but it is MUCH harder than I thought. All the little things he does takes away from who I fell in love with - I find it funny I read and read on line when I first was told and one thing that I kept seeing way - That I should have know I should have seen that my man was different he was more caring, sensitive - different from other men. WELL NOT IN OUR CASE - he was a bit of a Neanderthal lol But I loved it. Hunted, fished, by NO MEANS romantic, even to an extent a bit of a homophobe (which we argued about constantly I have friends and family in the LBGT world and hated how he would joke and demean at times) so I was COMPETELY taken aback when he told me he wanted to CD.

But together we have started to change and I love some of the new characteristics - affectionate, the gentle touching - but it is a NEW PERSON I am having to get to know. It is hard for women we are more emotional (or at least I am) I can't just flip a switch and just be ok - (especially in bed - this drives my husband nuts - if we ahre having issues and fighting then sex is NOT something I want to do AT ALL- but that may be just me).

It will be a longer journey for him and I that I want - I'm sure he feels the same way. Biggest things for us is keep learning and talking as we are constantly learning something new about one another (literally daily).

SO I may have gotten off topic of your actual question - we or at least I am not meaning to make my husband feel as if he is the enemy or less than or evil for being this way. I realize that it isn't a choice it is ingrained and you can't fight it without sacrificing the emotional health on his part. BUT on that same scale remember that we have lived for so long thinking that and feeling that we had what we wanted and needed only to find out you are not that person. You were finding your real left or in my husbands case pretending to be someone he wasn't (he claims he was over compensating) so learning to love this new person in our world isnt' something that is going to happen overnight. And sadly in some cases it may never happen.

I have been hones with my husband - told him that I love him and would always want to be a friend to him and a part of my life so I want this whole journey to be one that is positive so if it does take a turn for the worse and our marriage is sacrificed I want him in my life as a friend - I was open and told him I don't want a roommate, a new girlfriend, or just a friend in my life that he was suppose to be my husband and depending on how this all goes I need that to stay married. NOW at first he took that as I had this emergency evacuation plan - THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS WAS - I wanted to let him know that worse case scenario I wanted to still love him as a friend. What I want however seems to be happening - we are closer and learning more about one another still talking about things that we had always planned on. I think one of my fears as this CD has surfaced is that I felt my husband had died (and at times the things he does makes me miss him more - in one of our conversations he wants to shave his chest he says he never liked it and I told him that was sad for me as I loved to lay next to him in bed and lay next to him and run my fingers through it.

See so many of the things that many of the CDer on here say they hate about themselves and want to change are things we fell in love with so you saying you hate them causes even more turmoil. All I can say is it is about balance from here on out - make sure you talk and stay connected and REALLY do know what the other is feeling. Even if they don't know what to say share that - when you don't talk trust me we come up with all sorts of things to worry about and that makes it even harder to talk about things.

Well I'm not sure I even answered your questions - went off on a long winded rant (one of my qualities that annoys my hubby - he will never ask me about a movie because by the time I'm done telling he I gave him a literal play by play of the whole thing - I can see his eyes rolling now if he was reading this) But sorry that is just me.

Coping2014

[Donnagirl]

Coping,

I put this post up as more of a hypothetical, a slightly barbed poke to inspire thought, a little controversy but to also try to make the point that there are many of us for whom this urge to dress is our only fault. OK, so it's a biggee but it's not insurmountable.

Just remember that underneath it all is a loving husband who does not want to hurt, does not want to put you through this, but has no choice. To deny, to suppress is no solution. To do so for any period may even be the catalyst for more damaging behaviour. Catch-22 I know.... Damned if you do and damned if you don't...

You're working through this and we are all here for you, but so much of this is your journey alone...I, for one am holding the brightest light for you at the end of this tunnel...

[MatildaJ.]

there are many of us for whom this urge to dress is our only fault.

lol. I doubt there are many people who have no other human failings -- pride, envy, insecurity, anger, vanity, greed, selfishness, there are so many to choose from.

[Donnagirl]

Apologies Jess, that does sound a little righteous of me... Can I amend to "only significant fault"? I certainly harbour all you quote, and more. But these are, for me anyway easily treated, not permitted any time in control of my emotions and used for comic relief far more than for any negative they can inflict... Dressing, now that does have a far greater impact...