My first difficult reveal...

[Dianne S]

I've come out to most of my family, but lately my wife had been pressing me to tell her parents. I really didn't want to yet, but she said that since I've started spironolactone, they deserve to know.

It was really rough. :sad: Her parents are elderly and from China and trans issues are so far off their radar as to be invisible. My mother-in-law basically said I was crazy, that my therapist and doctor are simply cheerleaders and that the trans folk I hang around with have been putting ideas in my head. (I've never heard here speak English so fluently.) My wife concurs with the last two points, actually. :sad: I know it's not true, but I do feel a bit shaken and wondering "WTF am I doing?" now. I also find that spiro makes me feel a bit crummy... tired and headachy, so again... I'm wondering if it's right for me.

I guess I have a topic for my next therapy session.

[arbon]

I don't understand if you were only taking spiro why they would need to know at this point as you would not really seen any physical effects.

but anyway - transitioning takes a lot of resolve, you have to be sure in what you are doing and be able to accept the risks. Some people are going to reject you, most wont understand and think all sorts of weird stuff about you for doing it. If you are wondering after what they said maybe you should step back and reconsider because it only gets worse before it gets better.

[PaulaQ]

Dianne, almost everyone will tell you not to transition. Almost no one will understand the pain that drives you to this. For most people in your life, your transition will be all about them - how it makes them feel, social issues they may fear they'll face, etc.

You are likely to find that no one wants you change.

Best of luck, hon.

[Dianne S]

@arbon: My wife was insistent, so for the sake of peace with her I went along with it.

@PaulaQ: Actually, so far only my wife (naturally) and her parents have said not to transition. Surprisingly to me, everyone else in my family seems OK with it. I think that's why I found yesterday hard; it was the first really negative reaction.

[Jorja]

Ok, so now you have told them. You got the answers and questions you thought you would from them. Did it make any difference in the way you feel about yourself? Are you going to stop transition because they think your crazy? My guess would be it has made no difference and you will continue your efforts to transition come hell or high water.

[Anne2345]

Once you start telling folk, there is no unringing that bell. You cannot go back and undo it. So you better really think this through and come up with a much better strategy and reason for outing yourself other than trying to keep the "peace" with your wife. Because, quite frankly, IMO, that is a crummy reason for doing so.

Transition is hard stuff. People don't understand it, people don't get it, and some of those around you will go out of their way to make it really hard and miserable for you.

Your wife does not control your transition plans, whatever those plans may be. Only you do. It's your life. If you are determined to blow it up and do these things, you need to do so as you deem fit. Not as your wife would have you do.

That being said, if it is your desire and hope to maintain your marriage, first of all, good luck with that. But second, unless the two of you do this together as a team that operates on the same page and in agreement with each other, you ain't got no chance in hell of making this work. Especially if you give in to her demands at the expense of your own well-being.

And in this, who "deserves" whatever has got nothing to do with this and is of no relevance or consequence here whatsoever. It's you against your world.

If you cave in and fail to rise up to the challenge, it's either not that important to you and you will move on with your life as it is, or everything will go to shit anyways, you will fall completely apart, and you will end up a total miserable tranny train wreck.

And let me tell ya, being a TMTTW ain't no good or proper way to live life . . . .

[KellyJameson]

It can be very confusing to allow others to influence you concerning whether you are "crazy or not"

In many ways transitioning appears to be a very irrational act and in general you do not know how rational it really was to transition until you already have.

I have always found everything about it to be very paradoxical.

Try to remember your history as your feelings of the life you have lived up to now because in my opinion that is where you find your truth.

You are trying to move toward a more "real you" and away from the falseness that you have been living.

It goes beyond not fitting in socially because of gender variance to not fitting into yourself. Look for how you have been at odds with yourself so left feeling odd and different from everyone else who is free of this conflict.

The more you understand yourself the less others words will have any meaning for you.

I always felt crazy as a symptom of living against myself and I tried to hide "that I was crazy from others" I knew something was wrong with me without understanding what it was so starting transitioning while you are "crazy" makes a certain amount of sense.

Understand where this comes from and if it takes you into gender than you are on the right path.

Concerning hormones this is a very complex topic. It may not be the Spiro but the form you are taking it in or the methods used to make it.

There may be other options for you so you may want to consider talking to your health practitioner

[Dianne S]

Did it make any difference in the way you feel about yourself?

No, not really. Thank you for asking that question. It clarified my thinking.


Your wife does not control your transition plans, whatever those plans may be. Only you do. It's your life.

Well, yes. On the other hand, I have 23 years' of marriage and three kids to think about. While it is my life, I'm not callous enough to make decisions with no consideration whatsoever to the people I love. The worst part of all of this is the pain I'm causing my wife; I can easily live with other peoples' reactions.


And let me tell ya, being a TMTTW ain't no good or proper way to live life . . . .

Sorry... What's a TMTTW?

[stefan37]

Teenage Mutant Transsexual Turtle Woman

[Angela Campbell]

Well this is to be expected. Some will simply never accept it. Hopefully you were prepared for EVERYONE to not accept, especially your wife. This is a rocky road and stuff is gonna happen. Some may seem like they accept and understand and later you will discover something different, some will be against it but after a certain point will begin to see.

I began telling everyone only when transition was pretty much a certainty. Just beginning spiro is by no means a point of commitment or no return, and will not have much of an effect on your appearance so no real hurry! But like has been said, once you start telling, soon everyone will know. Everything with transition can be undone pretty much except for people knowing. Once they know, they know.

[Anne2345]

Please do not misunderstand me, Dianne. I am not advocating that you or anyone else here conduct themselves in a callous manner.

Further, I get that a long standing marriage and children complicate things. I get that you and your wife have been together forever, you love her, she loves you, you don't want to hurt her, and you don't want to risk blowing up your marriage. I get all of it.

But that is not the issue here. At least, based upon what you have written, it's not the issue I see here, fwiw.

Here's the relevant facts that you presented and/or implied in the OP:

1) You were not ready to out yourself to your wife's parents;
2) Your wife does not want you to transition;
3) Your wife pressured you, against your desire, to out yourself to her parents;
4) You outed yourself to your wife's parents; and
5) Your wife's parents reacted negatively and do not want you to transition.

And here's a few conclusions and assumptions that I believe are fair to make based upon the substance of the OP:

1) You value the relationship you have with your wife's parents;
2) You do not want to hurt your mother-in-law or father-in-law;
3) You do not want to jeopardize the faith they have placed in you as the spouse of their daughter and parent of their grandchildren;
4) Coming out to your wife's parents was a pretty big deal to you;
5) Given that you did not want to come out to them yet, you already suspected that they would not approve; and
6) Your wife knew that they would not approve of your stated desire to move forward with transition.

Of course, please feel free to correct me if I have gotten it wrong anywhere along the way.

Regardless, though, I think what you really need to ask yourself here, based upon the above fact pattern, is what was your wife's motivation in pressuring you to tell her parents? I mean come on already! That they "deserve" to know because you are on spiro? Her parents deserve no such thing, and anyone that says differently either just doesn't value personal information or has another agenda in mind.

Although I obviously do not know the first thing about your wife, based upon what you have written, I find it difficult to believe that she did not know *exactly* what she was doing when she was pressuring you into this predicament. In other words, she knows and believes her parents to be allies that can be used against your desire to move towards transition. Which I get also, and it's hard to blame her for doing everything she can to keep you from doing this. Because like you, she is scared, too. And she is confused, hurt, doesn't understand, maybe angry, and she probably blames your trans-ness for seriously threatening the well-being, stability, and security of the family. But even though all of these feelings and issues are legit and valid, it does nothing to resolve the issue as you have presented it here.

Also, I would gather that since you suggest that this episode will make a good topic for your next therapy session, that you did not first run this by your therapist in the first place. And since you are writing about this after-the-fact, my guess is that you didn't discuss it here beforehand, either. Why not? Given the potential enormity of it all, and the importance you attribute to it all, why not take the time to properly plan it through and come up with a good strategy? Why not get all of your ducks in a row first, and secure all information you need and prepare accordingly? What was the big hurry and the immediate necessity to do so? Other than bowing into the pressure your wife placed upon you, why do so at all based solely upon the shaky premise that because you are taking spiro that they deserve to know?

So again, I am not advising you to act callously. I am but merely suggesting that perhaps you do not see the forest for trees here.

[Aprilrain]

Your wife is looking for ally's to use against you.

If your wife doesn't want to be married to a woman that is her decision to make. It's unkind to try to force someone to accept your transition.

[Josephine]

Is it possible that your wife wanted her parents to know so that when she leaves you, they would know and understand why. Stay in her court so to speak. Not trying to imply she will divorce you, but it would be a good "out" for her.

[SassySal]

"It's unkind to try to force someone to accept your transition"

To this I would add that it is also extremely unwise and bound to fail in the end.

My question to you is, why, "after 23 years of marriage and three kids", you have chosen/decided to transition now? Also, just what does transition mean to you? What is your end goal?

[Donna Joanne]

Your wife is looking for ally's to use against you.

If your wife doesn't want to be married to a woman that is her decision to make. It's unkind to try to force someone to accept your transition.

April hit the "nail on the head". She wanted allies on her side, not supporters for your transitioning!

[kathtx]

She wanted allies on her side, not supporters for your transitioning!

Or, maybe her wife just wanted to be able to have the support of her parents as she goes through this transition with you.

I don't know what her reasons are. Maybe she's looking for allies as you suggest, maybe preparing her family for a split as someone else suggested, but it could also be something more positive. Not enough information to jump to conclusions.

[Dianne S]

why, "after 23 years of marriage and three kids", you have chosen/decided to transition now? Also, just what does transition mean to you? What is your end goal?

Well, it's a complex question. I've had gender dysphoria for a long time, since childhood. I thought that crossdressing would be enough. Then I thought having a girlfriend would cure me. Then marriage, then kids. And it worked for a while, especially when our kids were young. I was too busy and too tired to think.

But over the last 3-4 years, the dysphoria has been much worse and I've come to the realization that I can't face living as a man for the rest of my life.

So my end goal is to live as and be accepted as a woman to be true to myself.

[dreamer_2.0]

Wow Dianne, that's a tough situation. And I thought coming out to my dad was hard. I have no advice or answers beyond what others have already said. My thoughts are with you...for whatever that's worth coming from an unknown internet user.

[Nigella]

why[/I], "after 23 years of marriage and three kids", you have chosen/decided to transition now? Also, just what does transition mean to you? What is your end goal?

I would hazard a guess, rightly or wrongly, that you are not TS, if you were, you would not have needed to ask this

[Rachel Smith]

Well, it's a complex question. I've had gender dysphoria for a long time, since childhood. I thought that crossdressing would be enough. Then I thought having a girlfriend would cure me. Then marriage, then kids. And it worked for a while, especially when our kids were young. I was too busy and too tired to think.

But over the last 3-4 years, the dysphoria has been much worse and I've come to the realization that I can't face living as a man for the rest of my life.

So my end goal is to live as and be accepted as a woman to be true to myself.

I had all those same thoughts but when it became a matter of life and death I knew I could no longer live my life as a male, 28 years of marriage or not. I AM happier now then at anytime in my previous 57 years. Yes we got a divorce, yes my step-daughter hardly speaks to me and won't let me see my granddaughter but c'est la vie say the old folks. Their loss not mine.

Hugs
Rachel

[Angela Campbell]

I have two kids - both grown up - who will have nothing to do with me. It is sad that they let it be this way, but in my mind it is purely their decision. You never know who will make this all about them.

[Lisa O]

I am one of those that doesn't see the need to "come out" to anyone much other than my kids and wife. I was on HRT for 3 months before I informed my teenage kids. My wife has known all along from when I started electrolysis over 2 and a half years ago, therapists etc. I will be full tome at work in a few months. We have no intention of divorcing (at this point in time). I do not expect support from my family members. All I ask for is acceptance and love - same as before. I do not want a cheer squad. My therapists (psychologist and psychiatrist) are neither and I do not ask them to provide answers - they won't tell me what to do anyway so no point in asking. I certainly do not go to anyone expecting approval. That is entirely up to me.

All that said, it is unacceptable to me that anyone undermines my transition by looking for allies against transition or to make it difficult. That just isn't a place I am going. The OP should perhaps go a bit slower and move when she has some certainty in herself. This is her transition. Selfish? yes but only if it is dealt with in a selfish way. Everyone changes in life. We are not static. I suspect that most of those who don't accept are those that do not want others to change at all.

Anyway, if any of that makes sense (and maybe it doesn't), my mantra is "acceptance and love". First and most of all, acceptance and love of me by me!

[arbon]

I would hazard a guess, rightly or wrongly, that you are not TS, if you were, you would not have needed to ask this

The op is headed down a difficult road with a wife and her children, and the world, its hopped that she has an idea why (she seems to by her answer) and its not some CD fantasy, so I thought it was a fair question.

[LeaP]

I think Nigella's comment was addressed to SassySal, not the OP, and I agree with Nigella. The phrasing of the question with its 23 years of family context, is loaded, as is the "chosen/decided." If SS is not TS, it's a typical judgemental comment by someone who can't understand our reality. If SS is TS, it's simply clumsy. Sorry, SS! But that's how I see it.

Most late transitioners understand that your life blows up when it blows up. That's when you transition, not before.

[arbon]

Others agree with you Lea :)

I just did not think they were objectionable questions by SS. I thought two of her questions were very good in fact.

I do understand why we do this. Still when I hear long term marriage and children I CRINGE. I know how much it is likely to deeply hurt everyone - which makes me want to hear what they are doing it for, what they think will be there for them at the end of this journey.

you get to be yourself, get rid of the GD and make a new life as the woman truly are. Its a good thing. It can just suck a lot getting there. And even then some of that guilt and hurt sticks around - or it has for me anyway. I think it has for many others. Lots of lonely trans women out there.


Diane's answers to SS could have been mine.

[Dianne S]

I'm so sorry for all the people who've lost contact with close family members. In a way, I'm lucky; my kids are completely accepting as are my mother and sisters. Obviously, my wife is not and now I know my in-laws are not either. I was shaken for a bit because of the reaction, but I think I'm back on track now and have to keep forging ahead. Thanks to everyone who weighed in.

PS and off-topic: My daughter told me a joke today: "What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?"





Outlaws are wanted.

[SassySal]

"The op is headed down a difficult road with a wife and her children, and the world, its hopped that she has an idea why (she seems to by her answer) and its not some CD fantasy, so I thought it was a fair question."

I find myself agreeing with all the comments made except those made by Nigella and LeaP which seem terribly judgmental. I have done some reading on "later-in life-transitions" and the OP's seem to fit the profile described in this slightly dated offering written by a self-described transsexual. I am new here so I hope I am not offending anybody, or breaking any rules by posting a link: http://tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl_(Chapter_1)

Perhaps some of you might see my question as loaded, but perhaps that is just your own personal biased interpretation towards those that frankly, honestly, and sincerely do not really understand how/why such monumental decisions are made. Perhaps for some, leaving wife and family behind was necessary for their own personal survival. For me that just seems incomprehensible.

[FurPus63]

"Well, yes. On the other hand, I have 23 years' of marriage and three kids to think about. While it is my life, I'm not callous enough to make decisions with no consideration whatsoever to the people I love. The worst part of all of this is the pain I'm causing my wife; I can easily live with other peoples' reactions."

Honey,
I feel your pain. I know how much it hurts. But....this is how it goes for so many of us who were married at the time of transition. Hate to say it, but divorce is almost inevitable. That's just how it goes when people transition. I hope you will find a way to make your marriage work. It takes a lot. You mentioned a therapist in your post. Did you talk to your therapist before you made the decision to transition? Again, I feel your emotional pain. I do hope it somehow works for you.

Paulette

[Anne2345]

Perhaps for some, leaving wife and family behind was necessary for their own personal survival. For me that just seems incomprehensible.

Reading your words, I would completely agree with you that *you* find such a thing incomprehensible. That you suffer from this fundamental lack of understanding, however, is something that you should be *quite* grateful for and appreciative of. Unless one has been there, done that, or is currently living it, there can be no real or true understanding of what it is like. And please do not make the mistake of falling into the trap of over-simplifying the issue. In the end, that serves no one well.

As for the comments you referenced made by Nigella and LeaP that you find "terribly judgmental" - be careful - they both know intimately through their own life experiences that which they talk about. If you are serious about learning about the *real life* issues faced by *real* transsexuals, you would do well to take a step back, reassess your own naïveté, open your mind, and actually *listen* to those-in-the-know that have earned their street-cred.

[SassySal]

Yes thank you! I AM "*quite* grateful for and appreciative" and consider myself extremely lucky to not have suffered from what seems to me to be a terribly heart rending life experience and gut wrenching decision. I hope you will not interpret what you perceive as naiveté as insensitivity. I can assure you that I feel the deepest sympathy for *all* those involved, including the wife and the children.

Also, I am not sure where/how you see that I am "over simplifying the issue". I am trying to understand it, so I guess I am not sure what you mean by "street-cred", or what that has to do with what I asked or how I interpreted the tone of Nigella's and LeaP's responses. It seem that everyone else's were quite helpful in all regards.

[arbon]

those that frankly, honestly, and sincerely do not really understand how/why such monumental decisions are made. Perhaps for some, leaving wife and family behind was necessary for their own personal survival. For me that just seems incomprehensible.

just need a good substantial amount of desperation to launch down that transition road (or be really lost in cd fantasy land). I dont know how much decision or choice really plays into. I felt more like it was something that was happening with me, something that had to be, more then anything. Though suicide was a very real alternative for me at the time because transitioning seemed so impossible and all the damage I would do to everyone else was not very appealing. Im glad that did not happen.

[Aprilrain]

In a way, I'm lucky; my kids are completely accepting as are my mother and sisters.

I wouldn't count your chickens before they are hatched if I was you. You haven't even really begun to transition, you have no idea how these people will react once you start living your life full time as a woman.

[Dianne S]

Well. I think I know my family better than you do. They've all seen Dianne and most of them have gone out in public with me as Dianne and even to social events, so I think I have a pretty good indication.

[Aprilrain]

I don't claim to know anything about your family but I know about transitions. I hope your family is as wonderful as you think they are, You might get lucky, I did. Most people, however, are not so lucky and as they progress the once accepting spouse, child, parent, etc, suddenly changes their tune. All I'm saying is don't get caught out, be prepared to lose everything, you won't but you never know what or who you might lose.