Update

[samantha rogers]

I have not been able to visit very much or for very long lately for a
variety of factors, so just an update.

As some may know, I had “the talk” with my wife back in February but we
have been steadily working through things. I still believe that if family
and financial factors had been different, she would have walked, but they
aren't and she didn't. The situation has calmed and things are playing out
as well as I could have expected I think.

We are still good friends, laugh together, do things together and so on. I
still do everything I can around the house to remain who she has known all
these years. But the “romance” is gone physically. Part of that is the
knowledge on her side of who I am, part of it has todo with changes in my
body (HRT) and part of it is simply the fact that she is post menopausal
and almost always too tired and just not interested. Since my libido is
virtually absent these days, the lack of physicality is not really a
problem. As time passes it is still possible that we will split. She may
find she wants to, or I may. But for right now, friendship and compromise
keep us together.

Last week she helped me pick out some earrings and necklaces.

And last night we both went to the spa and enjoyed massages in a couples
room followed by both of us having facials. It was amazing. (another first
for Sammie – the facial)

Last night we were sitting on the patio and she carefully wrote down the
dates for when I plan to be away dressed (taking a trip to Toronto with
three friends in a few weeks – Yay!) and it was all very matter of fact. I
try to limit dressing to once every three weeks for now, to make it easier
on her.

Then, as the sun went down, we sat there drinking martinis and we
reminisced about our 2 ½ decades together and all the things we had shared.
It was lovely.

No promises. No expectations.

Just, day by day.

For now, its all good. And in this very uncertain world, who can ask for
more.

Hugs

Sammie ( feeling very blessed today)

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Sammie give your wife a big hug for me sis for at least trying to understand and support you as much as possible.
I came out to my wife of then 27 yrs ago in June 2011 and for the first 6 months I thought divorce was going to
happen. Fortunately my wife researched the subject and has been tolerant and even supportive to my need to
dress as a woman.
Our marriage has definetly changed and one thing I will never get back from her is her complete trust, which of
course I can't blame her for.
I do hope you and your wife can end up in a happy place like my wife and myself.

love and peace

Giselle Reeves

[Di]

Glad things are smoothing out and just from your post/ your words.....I felt the love.:love:
Day by day is good and your mutual respect and love....who knows what may happen in the future.
Best Wishes

[Julie Denier]

Sounds like you've found some balance. So glad things are working out, Sammie ;)

[LANKO]

Hope things keep going well, thanks for sharing.

[JenniferR771]

Good going, Sammy. Treat her right--be her best friend; it should work out. I think she appreciates the good guy that you have always been--and now enjoys the new girlfriend..

[bridget thronton]

Just keep being yourself and keep being considerate as you appear to be doing. I suspect things will work.

[Alice_2014_B]

That's quite extensive; but at least going well.

[Glenda58]

Sammie treat her right you two have a history together and now being friends will help both of you get though this.

[kimdl93]

Sammie, it's encouraging to hear that things have calmed and there's a level of comfort returning to your interactions with your wife. There are many dimensions to a sustainable relationship and a sense of connection, reinforced through both a common past and shared present, is as important, or perhaps more important than physical intimacy. I have a suggestion The most important one - I urge you both to think in terms of how each can help your marriage stay together rather than of how you can ease a separation if it happens. It seems that once you start considering dissolution as a realistic possibility, it makes it easier to emotionally distance from one another.

[samantha rogers]

Kim, I think there is great wisdom in that. Oddly though, coming to realize that life would not end if she did leave has alleviated so much stress that it makes it far easier to be more the loving partner she wants. Counterintuitive, but true.

[Jorja]

One day at a time. Whatever happens, happens.

[samantha rogers]

Very true, Jorja. I tell myself that every day.

[MatildaJ.]

Oddly though, coming to realize that life would not end if she did leave has alleviated so much stress that it makes it far easier to be more the loving partner she wants. Counterintuitive, but true.

That's what I've found as well. Thanks for putting it so well.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sammie, It is great that you are both communicating that's wonderful, Thanks for the update.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Kim, I think there is great wisdom in that. Oddly though, coming to realize that life would not end if she did leave has alleviated so much stress that it makes it far easier to be more the loving partner she wants. Counterintuitive, but true.

This was a huge factor in remaining in my marriage - I finally faced up to life without my H and realised I'd be okay. I can look after myself and I'd be okay. Now, I feel much freer to fight for us instead of just feeling trapped and resentful. It's a huge mental shift!

Does your wife feel the same way as you? Or do you think she might be staying out of fear and finances? It sounds like she's not, but I'd feel bad for her if she feels stuck. After all, you sound like you're TS and in the early days of transition? That's a whole other ball game than just living with an occasional crossdresser.

You also sound like a considerate spouse, so I'm sure you're thinking of her needs and wouldn't stay in the marriage if you thought your transition was hurting her. x

[Beverley Sims]

Sammie,
Be pleased for the little things in life.....

You may need to remember this statement of yours in the future.
I would keep practicing it for a happy life together.



"But for right now, friendship and compromise keep us together."

[kimdl93]

It's interesting to hear the emerging consensus favors accepting the possibility of dissolution. Perhaps it takes the fear or risk out of the consideration, which may reduce apprehensions and some stressors. In my experience it also makes it easier to take each incremental step in that direction. Before you know it....you're there.

[RenneB]

Glad to hear a positive update.... you and I are almost in the same boat, so I'm taking notes.....

Thanks again.

Renne.....

[MatildaJ.]

Before you know it....you're there.

I'd rather have an amicable separation allowing us to co-parent well than live together because one or both of us feel trapped.

But in any case, not all people who accept the possibility of divorce end up getting a divorce. And not all people who refuse to consider divorce manage to avoid divorce. (Since their spouse may move in that direction without them.)

[Alice Torn]

Little things mean a lot, as an old song goes!

[samantha rogers]

I'd rather have an amicable separation allowing us to co-parent well than live together because one or both of us feel trapped.
)


This has crossed my mind and I am sure hers as well Jess. But there is a lot of history here and still a lot of love. I think it is worth trying to preserve. No, I know it is.

[bobbimo]

Thanks for the great post sammy.
You are a very lucky girl. Give your wife another big hug
Bobbi

[Katey888]

Lovely post Sammie... glad it's holding together so well for now.. :)

This quote struck a chord with me too: "But for right now, friendship and compromise keep us together."

I think many more relationships are founded on that simple principle than some folk imagine... so make hay while the sun shines... :hugs:

Katey x

[Jackie F]

Sounds like I a am going through the same. One day at a time and remembering her needs as well. Tough road but sounds positive.

[MatildaJ.]

This has crossed my mind and I am sure hers as well Jess. But there is a lot of history here and still a lot of love. I think it is worth trying to preserve. No, I know it is.

That goes for me too. I have no intention of getting a divorce; I love my husband and we live well together.

But my statement about preferring amicable separation to one person feeling trapped was addressing Kim's comment that even considering divorce is a step which may lead to getting one.

[PaulaQ]

@Sammie - I hope things continue well for you and your wife. The type of relationship you describe with her now is pretty typical of those of other trans women I know who's marriages survived their transition. I think what the two of you have may very well be sustainable. Just know that it may get harder as you transition. Over time, the man she knew will vanish bit by bit before her eyes. Some women can handle that, some can't.

But I am hopeful for you both, because what you are doing is what seems to work for the few who stay married.

Best of luck, hon, for the both of you.

[GretchenJ]

Hi Sammie,

Read your post in my hotel last night, needed time to digest it, plus I didn't not have my tablet and can not type for crap on my cell phone. Also made me cry a little bit, to be honest.

I can tell from the brief time you have been posting that you have a good heart, and that you put your family first. It also sounds like your spouse is the same way. Me and my wife were friends way before we became involved, and that it the foundation of our relationship. It appears that through the trying times that you and your wife have gone through, the friendship is still solid.

i will keep both of you in my thoughts, and hope things work out so that all of you are happy and content ...

If you need to chat, always feel free to IM or PM me

Gretch

[Maria in heels]

Sammie....what a wonderful day. I remember that initial feeling, the uneasiness and wanting to answer questions that she didn't want to ask. You have spent many years together, and hopefully there will be many more between the two of you. It is very difficult for her, and as long as you both understand your respective boundaries and agree, things may just still work out...

keeping the hope up!

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hi Sammie,

Wow, what a grand journey you are on gal. It seems that maybe you, like a lot of us that participate here, are steering you life’s course into uncharted territory, not quite knowing what direction it may take but knowing in your heart of hearts that it must be done. Some things we do to preserve our own health and sanity but it can be hard for friends and loved ones to comprehend and appreciate how necessary they are to our very existence.

It’s great that you and your wife are communicating and working out the relationship “day by day”. It can’t be easy given the situation so you must be doing things right. We know you are doing it with grace and beauty, it just shows.

So smooth sailing Sammie, and keep the trip reports coming!

Hugs,
Steph