The endless pull

[Carlene]

Good morning,

Sometimes we/I just need to share our emotions, hoping for a friendly ear, a sigh from a reader at the other end who has been through similar situations. This would be of great comfort for me today.

I have posted, in the past, about my reluctance to proceed because of the effects this will have on me and those closest to me. I have a wonderful family and a circle of good friends, none of whom, will be accepting of the new (in their eyes) me. Having said this, moving forward seems to be inevitable. The conflict I find myself in, though, is often so overwhelming I just want to cry.

To the point, then.....I have an appointment in just a few weeks that will be life changing. I will be seeing a medical professional relative to working with an endo., who will develop an HRT schedule for me. I know this will be a tipping point and thus I am comsumed with emotions, some involving fear and others the joyful expectation of peace.

Thank you for reading this,

Carlene

[I Am Paula]

Good morning too,
I feel your pain, as I'm sure a lot of the other girls do. GD is such an all consuming thing. GD doesn't care about your wife or kids, and certainly doesn't care about your friends or job. GD also doesn't give us a trial run, to see the reactions of your coming out.
If you feel transition is inevitable, I'm sorry but there's no way to find out but to do it, and hope for the best. I know it's shallow solace, but in my case, coming out turned out much easier than I ever imagined. Friendships changed, but not lost...marriage, and family changed, but not lost. It will be the biggest crap shoot of your life, but I think most come thru' it better than anticipated.
You may find that HRT makes you feel better, and feeling better makes the process easier.
Good luck girl, my thoughts are with you.

[traci_k]

Hi Carlene,

I too feel your pain. I don't know much about you, but you sound older, like me, with wife and kids and feel absolutely torn. Hopefully you've found a therapist and not going this alone. I understand the feelings, I've seen the therapist, have letter for HRT but haven't been able to bring myself to start for not wanting to destroy the family. If you ever want to talk more privately, please PM me.

Hugs,

[Jorja]

Do you remember reading here that transition is not easy? This is just one of the things we were talking about. Yes, it is terrible that family and friends might not be accepting of your decision. But... it will also be terrible if you do not take action to alleviate your GD. Many of us have fought this battle. It never gets any easier to read a post where someone is fighting to not destroy the family. Too many wait until it becomes unbearable for them. Many do not win this battle. It is even worse for the family then.

Look into your heart and mind for your answers. Do what you need to do for yourself and your family.

[Stephania]

Hi Carlene,
In Dec. 2013 I made the decision to do this. My wife knew immediately and was and still is very accepting. Sure, the dynamics have changed a bit, but we are still together after 29 years. I started HRT in January, told my mom in May, and my brothers and sister in June. They all were for the most accepting in their own ways. I know that even if no one would have accepted this, it is something I had to do. The fear is expected. I had great amounts of fear over many things prior to making the decision, and still had and have some fear. This is a big change. I hope that your decision goes well and that you have a wonderful life going forwards.
Hugs, Stephania

[Angela Campbell]

Don't worry too much, this isn't much of a tipping point. It takes months for the effects of the hormones to be noticeable. Plenty of time to get used to it, and prepare. (Or back out) You have a lot of work to do, now.

[Carlene]

Thank you all for your kind words and a special thank you to the girls that sent a pm.

Carlene....:hugs:

[KellyJameson]

To have no one in your life that is going to support your transitioning is a little scary because it may feel like the whole world is against you

Hopefully where you live there are resources for making friends with others who are also transitioning or at least identify as transgendered.

The affects are gradual and if you take a picture of yourself once a month you probably will see a difference somewhere between four and six months but this is highly variable depending on many factors such as age and body weight.

I don't think breast tenderness is as bad as everyone makes it out to be and there are simple remedies for it.

If you do not journal I would recommend writing down your thoughts and feelings. If you have a smart phone the voice recorder is useful for talking about your feelings and thoughts as they come to you.

Be as proactive about your health as possible because how and what you eat along with how you exercise or don't, affects hormones regardless of whether someone is on HRT or not.

If you are a reader you may want to read up on xenoestrogens and phytoestrogens because what you put on your skin or consume potentially will affect your hormones.

How you respond to reversed levels of sex hormones should tell you alot about yourself.

You hear about testosterone poisoning which I think of as referring to two things. The affect it had and has on the body but also the affect it has on the brain as the mind which in my opinion is equally if not more powerful.

My emotions did not change in that I have always been intuitive and feel things deeply but I slowly lost the lifelong anxiety I had always struggled with that started during puberty and became more comfortable inside of me.

I'm still self conscious but without the anxiety and the self consciousness is not so much insecurity as simply being very aware of my surroundings which is how I have always been.

The HRT helps me manage myself better.

Try to watch yourself and get to know yourself through introspection if you do not do this already. It is sometimes scary, confusing and painful but in the end I think it will make your journey easier.

In my opinion the better you know yourself the easier transitioning will be and this is particularly true because you will change so much over the next two to three years, which seems like forever but goes very fast.

Try not to do it alone if possible.

[Rachel Smith]

Like everyone here said yes I was scared too but the mental relief I found after starting HRT told me it was the right thing for me. What I found out about most of my family and friends was shock when I first told them but then when I made a visit home at Easter and they saw how much happier I am the acceptance for them came easier. For the first time in my life I am truly happy on the inside which was a foreign feeling to me when others spoke of how happy they were in life. Now though, I have it too.

You don't have to come out to anyone when you start HRT other then maybe your spouse and that is only maybe. Give it some time and see how it makes you feel.

[Carlene]

Thank you, Kelly.....as always, very thoughtful and to the point. I too believe testosterone poisons the mind and brain by means of fueling aggression and selfishness.

Rachel, my wife is aware of the appointment but we both know that our marriage will not likely survive a transition. She is a wonderful woman, who wishes only the best for me but does not want to share in this experience. I am hoping that we can remain best friends. Perhaps even live in the same house.......if I decide to take the next step, it remains to be seen how we manage.

[Rachel Smith]

All to familiar Carlene. I suggested I could just live in our house and pay rent but that she could have it. The house is in PA and I am in VA so you can see how that worked out. I wanted us to remain friends as well but after a somewhat contentious divorce she won't even talk to me anymore.

I wish you much better.

[Cheryl123]

I feel your pain, Carlen, but you may not have a choice in this. The pain of living everyday pretending to be someone you are not, and the anger caused by testosterone (yes, it is a poison to us), all of this pushes many into transition almost against their will. For many HRT brings a sense of normalcy very quickly. For myself as soon as I experienced this normalcy, I knew there could be no turning back. When I tried on 2 occasions, I felt worse than before and understood the simple fact that I need estrogen which my body does produce it. .

I would take this one day at a time, Carlen. Prepare for the worse, but don't make assumptions. If you should start HRT and you begin to feel better, you might want to share this with your wife and others. Help them see how good you feel with HRT and how miserable you are without it. Good luck.

[SassySal]

"The pain of living everyday pretending to be someone you are not...pushes many into transition almost against their will."

This is a harsh reality. My best advice is to determine, beyond any possible doubt, that is something that you absolutely must do. Once you have made this absolute determination, your best chance of survival is to get help in mitigating the almost inevitable collateral damage to your loved ones and existing life.

If you can find anyway to possibly find another way to cope, this is something that I would highly recommend. Of course this will be something that only you can determine, although a good competent therapist can be indispensable in helping you think clearly through all the fear, pathos, angst and other emotional detritus.

The changes you are contemplating are profound. Be as prepared as you can possibly be, fasten your seat belt and hang on.