Stepping of the closet, on my terms

[MarcyRex]

The wife and I are experiencing some marital problems; the issues, which are rather typical, with the added twist that is familiar to all of us here. While my wife has evolved substantially over the years from homophobic to currently supportive, our current marital strife is letting her exercise a little vindictiveness. Her commiserating with the neighbor, wife revealed her marriage to a crossdresser. Neighbor woman is encouraging divorce and now that she knows the cat is definitely out of the bag. (ironic observation: both women have psychology/sociology BA/MA degrees and have practiced counseling although not currently). Of course, my daily interaction with said neighbor is sweet as pie.

We are seeing a marriage counselor and I have been open with the counselor, laying all my cards on the table figuring it will be revealed on my terms or my wife's. Plus solving a puzzle is so much easier when you have the whole picture. Counselor is good. She was surprised at my big reveal (no outward indicators), had the usual questions regarding GLBT and during a one on one session I could tell she was doing her homework to address the "T" issue. Her questions/comments were more specific and understanding of subject. So with her encouragement and recognition of my wife's agenda that she (and I the ignorant husband) could observe, I continued stepping out of the closet on my terms.

I spoke to my 14yo daughter about it. She already has one good friend and acknowledged gay classmate. So I owned up to my "T" and while the conversation was nonchalant, I suspect it was a lot to take in. While I tried to keep stuff hidden in general, I stopped taking excessive measures and have my fem clothes in my closet alongside male clothes. She knew about that stuff but attributed it all to Halloween. I am sure it would've clicked eventually that I have more dresses/heels than could be justified for one holiday of the year but moving on... :battingeyelashes: So after the big reveal, she said she didn't have a clue and I relayed a couple of funny stories to lighten the subject; like discovering how my nail polish remover kept getting stolen and used up by them while I am scrambling to remove evidence the hard way or the time during a sleepover the girls discovered my wigs. :eek: There will be more Q&A later but she is a 14yo with 14yo priorities. "Later" is a relative time. Also she is a smart one. Her google-fu is powerful. I do not expect difficulties. Awkwardness perhaps but not hate and discontent.

My older daughter, 18, I believe already has made the connections. She will be attending college for her pysch degree with a possible focus on LGBT. While we haven't had the conversation, her subtle hints have not gone unnoticed. So this conversation will happen at earliest convenience.

That's what is going on in my life. I am sooooo thankful to be a member of this forum. It has helped me come to terms with myself, communicate effectively the issues we deal with, dispel the myths and not walk this path alone.

Thank you,
Marcy

[Jaylyn]

While had four kids I really kept from dressing except with the usual applying lipstick or make to a very minimum and only when I was at home and by myself. None of my kids know. My wife knew at an early time in our dating. She said she still loved the man inside. She did say the kids are off limits to knowing though. This worked out great. While we raised the kids I was their daddy and put the real dressing on hold. Wife and I would sneak off sometimes to another town and have a date night, eat out, movies and dancing. She always asked me later at the motel if I needed some lipstick as she was getting ready for bed. She did say underdressing was ok so I wore panties and hose and lingerie on our dating outings. The kids still are clueless and my wife and I are still sane after four kids and still very much in love. I don't push my dressing on her now and she lets me do what I want. I do enjoy the man in me as much as the female feelings inside me. I now can kind of equalize them out a little. I believe everyone's situation is different and every one has to work out a plan that will work in your lives. Sounds like you have a good start.

[Desirae]

It certainly take a lot of courage to do what you have done. I applaud you for that. A lot of people say that taking the lead and confronting difficult issues on one's own terms is the best course of action, and gives you control over a situation, and you have certainly done that. I wish you the best going forward.

[RADER]

In my first Marriage, outsiders made more decisions for my wife that she did for her self.
After we where divorced, she told me once that she wished she did not listen to all her friends.
But the damage was done; like no turning back.
I hope the two of you can work things out. Other people do not be interfering with your decisions.
Good Luck.
Rader

[Beverley Sims]

Marcy,
With educated children I think it may be easier the BA and MA between your wife and her friend are pushing the argument the other way unfortunately.
Bad advice comes from all quarters unfortunately.

[MarcyRex]

So another session with therapist.
I've really come far with my own self-acceptance and expression without the therapists help. I've been speaking freely without reserve. So much so, she prompted about where I saw myself going to be in 1/3/5 years. While fully out and about would be a radical move, she suggested I start expressing more androgynously and be more vocal about my own boundaries. I am well versed in suppressing/repression; yet, she can see chrysalis happening before her very eyes. My wife, on the other hand, well, I'll leave that alone. Therapist is likely to recommend another professional to deal with her issues for perhaps a better report or simply to stop seeing me altogether since I am so far along on my own. My emotional status is fine. I've a clear head. My judgment is not clouded. My goals and backbone need working on but mostly the help I need is a more publicly supportive social circle beyond my wife and her friends.

Thanks to this board and another, I've really been critically self-examining without the shame. Reading other folks evolving stories and tribulations help a lot. Where am I on the Gender spectrum? Where am I on Sexual preference spectrum? Am I a good person? Am I experiencing temporary pink fog or is the radical notion of the gender genie has left the bottle? How much of the anxiety I experience is self-inflicted and the issues other people have is just that: Other peoples' problems.

I've obviously left out much details best left on the therapist's couch. I'll repost in the Introduction Thread just for fun when I get to that stage in life.

[Katey888]

Marcy - you may have left out non-relevant details but I'm sure what you're posting will be both educational and interesting to some here... :)

It's great to see how well the counselling and self-acceptance are working for you, and that has to be encouraging for others. And great progress with your daughters too... I keep my fingers crossed for you as to future progress with your wife... :hugs:

Katey x

[Badwolf]

Marcy, I've come to a similar conclusion to a point that I'd prefer some androgyny to be able to pull of some stuff. I'm in a generation though where straight guys wearing makeup wasn't particularly unheard of.

I'm also dating an Asian girl, and Asian men use handbags on a regular basis. She's even suggested it before I had even thought about it haha.