How did your wife/SO find out?

[sandy_folsom]

*** Sorry if this was discussed before. I tried doing a search and didn't see any open threads ***

Ladies,
How did you break the news to your wife if she didn't know?

I'll start - My desire to wear stockings and cocktail dresses increased in my late 20s. I wasn't sure if my wife would be cool about it so I made it her idea. I rented "To Wong Foo" and watched it with her. Afterwards she thought that I would look good in a dress. I demured and politely declined. On a trip to Vegas we went to see the female impersonators at the Riveria. When we got back to the hotel, she *insisted* I try on her cocktail dress. It was a bit short on me but still looked good. We had a lot of *fun* that night and she has bought my stockings and skirts since. :cheeky:

[Lotte L]

Hi Sandy,

The way you introduced being CD is more in the way to let her discover. Now your wife is part in it and that is very nice and enjoyable.
I simply told my wife and she is'nt happy about it. Although I concider to put my red nailpolish in the bathroom so we can use it both. Maybe I offer her to do her nails.

Love,
Lotte

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Sandy

I see you have been very lucky with you wife suggesting you wear a dress etc.
A lot of the girls here have not been so lucky. Many have been through a lot of heartache and trauma, even then it has not worked out for them.
Some get caught and have a lot of explaining to do.

I told my wife something about having tried they for fancy dress party and it just progressed form there.


The next step is to buy you own dresses, stockings and skirts.

[Jamie M]

I'm afraid to say that i didn't even get the chance to decide how kelly discovered my femme side . She found a picture of me dressed whilst on holiday many moons ago and things went from there . I told her straight up about it all and we talked and talked and over many years have managed to find some sort of acceptance.

it's a long road and whilst we might not be right at the end we're certainly on the home straight

[Sandy]

hi i'm another sandy my wife has known for 36 years she won't talk about it or even aknowledges sandy exists.does'nt really matter but it would be fun to have a girlfriend instead of being me with just me

[ronda]

i came home from work one day and my wife had all of my stuff out on the bed siying what is this. the fear that went through me was awful. i wish i had told her we are still togeather but things are not the same.
must be great to have a wife that takes part and enjoyes your femm side

[Raychel]

A few years ago she had a bag of panties that was destined for the trash. It seems like the true CD in me would not let that happen. I told her that I like to wear panties at that time. Then just a few months ago I told her the rest of the story, That I like to dress more, no makeup or wigs though. (yet) I am not sure that there won't be a wig in the future.

Anyway, she says that she does not mind me wearing the lingerie. She says it is only underwear. We really do not talk about that rest of my dressing and she has no desire to see me at this point.

[maryjanecapri]

she knew right off the bat. in fact i told her before our first date. i won't do the deception thing again. i always show my baggage up front - that way there's no ugly surprises.

[TGMarla]

The first time she found out it was because her son (now gone, I'm afraid) came home and caught me all dressed up. It was probably pretty traumatic for him. Surprising, no doubt. He told her, and all hell broke loose. I once left my pantyhose drying in the bathroom, too. And then once she found my shoes...Lucy had some 'splainin' to do there, too. Finally one evening, I just told her. And I didn't hold anything back. She's been noncommittal on it ever since. It's not a subject we discuss, it seems.

[Stephanie]

A few months after joining this forum last year I decided to tell my wife about it instead of letting her accidentally discover it. She was initially relieved that I wasn't cheating on her or making some other kind of damaging revelation but it took 3-4 months and some ups and downs before she really started to feel comfortable with my crossdressing. Thankfully, she stuck with me and I'm happy to say that she not only has accepted it but enjoys doing it with me as well whenever we can fit it in to our busy schedule.

[LisaRaye]

Ten years ago I told my girlfriend she was hurt and disappointed but what can I do. This is me she was happy that I was not gay or cheating on her. Now she is acepting and we do things together when I am dressed. We are luck for those that their partners know and acept what we do openly.

[Lilith Moon]

I told my wife, but not exactly for noble reasons. We have been married for nearly 20 years and I had never told her. I had plenty of opportunities to dress in secret and even get out so I kept my CD world and my marriage in separate compartments. Then our lifestyle changed and we found ourselves together nearly 24/7. After a period of CD abstinence my mental health began to suffer due to the stress of needing to dress, so I told her. She reacted just like most people would who find that their long term partner has had secrets. It has been a long tough haul in the few years that have passed by since then. We are still together and we have recently made some real progress although things are nowhere near satisfactory for either of us yet.

[Tina T]

she knew right off the bat. in fact i told her before our first date. i won't do the deception thing again. i always show my baggage up front - that way there's no ugly surprises.

Me too, but I've still not dressed in front of her :o

[KellyT]

When I got married I never told my wife. Later I wished I had (out of respect). After a couple of years the pressure got too much for me and I wrote a letter that I personally handed to her. I sent her an SMS text earlier in the day to tell her I had something to discuss (but not to worry), so that I wouldn't chicken out of it, as I had done on many occasions. I felt writing a letter would allow me to explain all my feelings in a way that I probably couldn't have done verbally at that moment. When she read the letter, I went downstairs and she followed me when she had finished. I was crying at this point(having convinced myself that the marriage was over, and also in relief that I had finally told someone else). She sat on the floor beside me and kissed me. Since then I have been very careful to take things slowly. She loves that I have a feminine side but from discussions is not keen to see me fully dressed, and particularily with a wig. We don't activley discuss it, but she does quite often tell me how handsome and rugged I am and how much she loves me(Ironically i've always hated my "rugged" good looks and have always wanted to be shorter with smaller feet and appear softer).
Although we don't discuss it, she now has me cleansing and moisturising twice daily and using face packs. In fact she is very keen for me to do this. She has also let me buy some lingerie and has no problem with the panty side, but is not happy about a bra. I even get to wear her sweaters at times. Last weekend was great. I got to borrow her favourite moss green soft knit polo kneck sweater and her chunky knit scarf and wore them as we took the dogs out for a walk. She even commented later that it really suited me. Although I would love to go a lot lot further, I realise it's a step at a time and I am very lucky to be in such a situation as it is. I would've given my right arm to be able to do just this, this time last year, and now I want more. Is that selfish?

[Amanduhrob]

My ex found a bra in my closet and accused me of cheating on her, I tried to explain to her that it was mine, but she wouldn't believe me, so I went into the bathroom and made up my face.

When I came out, the look on her face was priceless, she kept stammering, who did your eyes. When she finally accepted that I dressed, and wasn't cheating, she was mollified, but told me she didn't want to see me dressed, that I was to do it on my own time... Out of sight, out of mind. This was two years before we got married, and before we lived together.

Four years ago we divorced, due to multiple reasons, but none concerning my dressing, and ever since then I tell my s/o within the first three dates.

[Maddie Nolan]

I'm sorry to say I was caught before I told my girlfriend as she was at the time. I had always planned to tell her but could never find the courage to do it. Anyway she came home from work early one day and the rest is history! She took it amazingly well and accepted it immediately. I was amazed. She just said that it was part of me and she was happy accept that. Result! It was less than 2 weeks later that we decided to get married.
Not only does she accept my dressing but she gets involved too on occaision, doing my make-up and girly shopping with me. Maddie has even been known to join us in the bedroom too! I am a real lucky guy to have such a wonderful wife.

[Gilded Graper]

I told my wife I was bisexual first and that made her very horny.
Next I told her wearing pegnoir made me feel sexy and soft.
She wanted to go buy matching pegnoir right away.
We ususally had sex while wearing similar or matching lingerie.

I met my 2nd wife when I was a HRT queen in S.F., CA so what she saw was what she got.

[Bernadina]

I told my wife shortly after we met. She was and still is accepting.

[jenny c]

I told my wife many years ago about jenny but i think she had an idea then that i liked to dressed as a female this was a result of me going more public with the internet etc so i did not want her to find out by accident i have always been honest and open to her but i had to wait for the right time to bring up the subject of my dressing. many years on and she is very supportive and helpful with my dressing needs.

[nikkicd63]

When I was dating my wife, I would wear men's bikini style underwear that could be mistaken for women's. i would complain to her about how expensive they were. When we were shopping for her one time and were looking at panties, Itold her how unfair it was that I could get 3 pairs of them for what it cost for 1 pair of mens that looked the same. She said then wear these and grapped some and bought them for me. After that she would get me panties all the time and said she loved how they looked on me. We started wearing matching sets and it eventually evolved into nightgowns and other lingerie. Then before we were married I told her how i had been wearing my sister and mom's things since i was 8 and she had no problems with it. She asked if i ever fully dressed and I confessed i had. She said she would love to see me like that and we went shopping for an outfit and she lets me dress whenever I want.

[Kera_dove]

I told my sweety at the very start of the relationship and she is accepting and so was all her friends ((I didnt expect that))

:be: ~Kera

[Tracy Lynn]

I told my wife after we had been married for 14 years. She was great about the whole thing and supports me in whatever I do.

[Sandy]

hi i'm another sandy my wife has known for 36 years she won't talk about it or even aknowledges sandy exists.does'nt really matter but it would be fun to have a girlfriend instead of being me with just me
go for it girls it doesnt get any better

[TeriAnn]

I told my wife after five years of marriage and expected tge worst . To my suprise she is fully excepting and helps with my crossdressing by taking pix halping with my make-up and buying skirts and blouses. We shop together and see if we can pick out something the other would like, She has been excepting from the start and I could not have been more fornuate that she is so cool about it.:thumbsup:

[Helen MC]

I have always been open up front with any girlfriend, and was so with my ex-wife. She didn't mind and as I have said we shared our panties and other items. I work on the principle that, if the woman does not like my CD side she does not accept the real and whole me and it is better that we do not form a relationship in that case as both parties would be unhappy and living a lie.

[livy_m_b]

When I married, I was in remission, so to speak, and had great hopes that it was just the absence of a 'normal' relationship that was the cause of it all. After marriage, for about 15+ years, things were fine, and I rarely dressed. Life entered on a hard spell, in the way that it does. For me, stress brings it out strongly. I came out to her and she rejected it. Back underground. Ten years later - another spell of self-revelation. Further nonacceptance. But less of a retreat. About 3 years ago, another revelation - this time she consented to see me dressed. Her reaction: you look much better than I ever imagined.

However, lest you think all is perfect, she has very strong notions of male and female, and she's told me basically that since she's seen me dressed she thinks of me as a woman and not a man and she's very anti lesbian and anything even remotely resembling female on female sex.

The world is full of reactions - and it's a growth, if we're lucky. Currently, she's comfortable with me as livy, has even commented that she often likes livy more than "the dude" - my phrase not hers to refer to the drab side - and sees that it gives me relief from stress and allows me to express something important to me. More news later - maybe!

[Monique_Lynn]

My So/wife and I were friends for over 5 years before we dated, knew things could be serious after the first few dates so came clean to her about being bi/cd. First time she saw me dressed her words were "interestingly provocotive" that was 7 years ago.
ginger

[Girly Sara]

I didn't wait to get found out by my girlfriend. I came clean with her before we moved in together over 8 years ago. However, it was the hardest thing i've ever done as i loved her and didn't want to lose her. I'd previously dropped hints to Michelle before the admission by jokingly putting her panties on over my jeans and she laughed and didn't think nothing of it.

It took several hours of 'ums' and 'erms' down our local pub before i shared my secret back at her parents home. Michelle (gf) was convinced i was having an affair at that time. Although she momentarily giggled, she was then completely fine although i didn't feel comfortable dressing femme round her for quite a few weeks.

Since the admission all those years ago, i have been one of the luckiest guys around and try not to take it for granted, especially when reading some of your comments on here.

Sara xxxx

[Veronica E. Scott]

I told my wife of 40 years about my crossdressing 9 mo. ago she does not approve of it and does not want to participate in any fashion,what she hates is the deception and the lie that I have carried around with me for that long I asked her if I had told you sooner would we me married now and she said no,so we wouldnt have 3 great kids and wouldn't have 8 grand kids.We have been on a bumpy road since then until one evening she went to church with a friend I stayed home and deciced to dress while she was out well she came home early and caught me at the computer and cought me dressed and hit the roof we have been doing a lot of talking since then and she understands my need to dress on ocassion and since she workes 2 weekends a month she said I could use that time for my personal needs meaning Veronica time,So for now things arn't perfect and we are not going to divorce court life could be better but for now not to bad.

[Ms. Donna]

I told my wife (then girlfriend) on Valentine's day, the third year we were dating. We went to nice restaurant and after a few drinks, I just came out and said that I like women's underwear. I fully expected her to wig out, but she didn't. As we discussed it, she seemed to be more or less ok with this and the rest of the evening went well.

This utlimately became a part of our 'playtime' and we even went shopping together for some lingerie together. She suggested some cute tap pants for me and I would wear these whenever we are alone together.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Petra1]

I didn't tell my wife. I showed her one night after a date before we were married. I was feeling comfortable with her, so why not?

When we got back to my place, I went into my bedroom and got dressed while she was in the bathroom.

When I walked out, she was like, "Wow!"

I was wearing black pumps, black pantyhose, black mini-skirt, white polo shirt, black sport coat and a black lace bra holding a pair of nerf balls.

She had a positive response, so I showed her some other outfits. She thought it was exciting. Knowing that I wear panties, she would offer to do my special laundry.

Petra has also joined us occasionally in the bedroom.

Fast forward to today, I've switched from nerf balls to water balloons for that more natural bounce. I'm on my second wig, which my wife prefers more than the first one. I've experimented with make-up, which resulted in two permanent sensitive patches under my eyes from scrubbing too hard to take off the mascara.

But the thing that made my wife say she was starting to think I was trying too hard to look like a woman was when she found a fake nail that I had lost.

Also, a few years ago she started resisting Petra initiating things in the bedroom. Probably my fault. I took her acceptance as a pass to go crazy.

She still accepts my dressing, but now I try to respect her feelings. I don't dress as much in front of her. I ty to change before she gets up, but if she sees me dressed, she won't say anything. And if she does see me, I'll stay dressed for awhile. AND, Petra doesn't initiate intimacy.

Besides, I still have that Sunday early morning job where I'm the only person there.

But, in spite of all the above, I am glad I outted myself to her in the early stages. So much better than having to defend yourself later.

[Abby Lauren]

I first outed myself to my wife 10 years and 2 kids into our marriage while we were alone on vacation in a motel outside a national park. After all the tears and wrenching feelings, my wife promptly "forgot" about it for years (ie. complete denial).
When, about 15+ years later, I could no longer bear to not be able to discuss this important part of me, I came out once again. In the subsequent years, there has been a glacial progression to the point of tolerance and some degree of acceptance. My wife has even made me some jewelry, has bought me all sorts of things, has seen all my pics on 2 different occasions and has seen me dressed once (commenting that I did my eye makeup really well). She very much prefers not seeing me but allows me to dress in an adjoining room and keep all my stuff nearby as long as the kids- now adult- won't see my stuff when they visit.
For quite awhile, I never thought I could get to this point and I am very grateful to my wife even as I'd love to have even more.

[Glenda]

The first time I dressed was for a theme skate (Prom Dress Night) with a group of rollerbladers. I had never worn female clothing and wasn't all that keen on the idea. My girlfriend convinced me to do it and provided a dress but no make-up. Later that year she wanted me to dress for Halloween. Again she provided the dress, wig and some make-up. I was amazed at the transformation and felt so natural. We were a hit at the parties we went to.

Now the interesting part. I was raised in a kind and loving family but she was raised in an abusive family. She got drunk and mean-spirited one afternoon and scratched my face pretty badly when I came home from work. She even called 911 and tried to have me arrested for abusing her. The police came and saw me with blood all over my face, arms and clothing and wanted to take her to jail. I asked them not to and suggested I stay with friends and let her sober up at home.

I couldn't go to work looking like that so I took a week off and suggested she visit a friend on the coast. After about four days I was going stir crazy and just wanted to go out. I got some of her make-up and applied it to my face. I then experimented with eye make-up, followed that up with one of her wigs and polished my nails. I searched until I found a dress that would fit and go with the shoes I had bought for Halloween and went to a gay club that evening. I had a blast. I had so much fun. I played pool and talked. Guys were buying me drinks. I felt very proud for having the courage to go out like that.

At the end of the week she came home. We talked about her behavior and the need to control it. It was the first time I had seen her abusive nature. She asked how my week went and I told her about dressing up and going out. She was upset and hurt and accused me of being gay. I reminded her that she was always encouraging me not to be so conservative and to be more receptive to doing crazy things every now and then. She said I had crossed the line and forbid me from doing it again. In other words, it was okay if it was her idea, but it was perverted if it was my idea? I don't think so.

I left her shortly after that with the knowledge that the genie had been let out of the bottle. I had always known I had a feminine nature and now I knew how much it was a part of me. There was no going back. Long story short, she is still a friend and is now supportive of my dressing. She often wants to go back to what we had but I know that she is not compatible with me.

[RuthChambers]

I told my wife, I was cross dressing more and more and I was worried that she would find out. I waited until the school exams were finished then I told her on a Saturday lunch time so that we could have most of the weekend to talk it over. I collected magazine articles and books for her to read. By the end of the weekend I had also told our teenage children.

It took my family a while to get over the shock but I am very fortunate to be able to have Ruth's stuff at home, I can dress at home and my wife sometimes comes with me to tranny events and weekends.

There are a number of articles by partners (SOs) here http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/index.html that are worth reading to understand the SOs perspective.

Ruth

[Rene]

I told my wife not to long after we sarted dating. We have now been together 17 years, and it is still difficult most of the time. For the first time in all our years together she is finaly trying to come to terms with it.

[Sarahgurl371]

I told her prior to marraige that I used to wear stuff. I thought, like so many others it would go away. After being married for a while it came back and I tried to break it to her slowly. Long story, infact I have deleted most of my response here. So many ups and downs and today happens to be a bad day. Feeling very guilty. So I deleted the personal details here. Sorry.

I certainly am in no position to advise anyone on how to deal with this in marraige. I have appartentlly really fouled it up. If you are not yet married, tell her before getting really invovled. You may each hurt, but I can tell you, it will pale in comparision to what she and I are feeling now. If you are married, good luck with whatever you decide to do. Those who decide to never tell and are happy living that way, I envy you. It just simply wasn't an option for me.

Peace.

[TVShannon]

I felt it was only fair to tell my girlfriend at the time after only 1 month of dating. That could give her an 'out' before any more time was invested.

We ended up getting married.

I would say she is very very tolerant vs enthusiastic. I am very lucky.

[mskilmer]

I bought this X-rated DVD "double penetration" movie, and we watched it. When she saw it, she said, "We HAVE to do that!" I told her we'd need another guy, and she said "OK" and went to the internet to search for one. That's when we realized we were beyond jealousy and we were ready to get beyond that and actually help each other explore our fantasies. We found another guy(or two or three) and we opened up to each other and things have gotten better and better ever since. So I was able to tell her that I always wanted to dress up, and she really got into it and now we read magazines together, shop for makeup together, etc. It's not as wild as it might sound ... we're pretty normal people really. But we found an ability to open up to one another that has brought us closer together.

[Megan72]

I got lucky. we were playing around one afternoon and she put a pair of her panties on me, i just said that if she was going to do that she would have to go all the way. She did.

[Staci]

I told my wife before we were married. I would tell her how much I loved the feel of her nylon panties and nylon tricot nightgowns. She let me wear her nylon robe. Then once I asked if I could try on a pair of her panties. She said yes. Gradually as I wanted to wear more feminine clothes we would talk about it and if she was l.k. with it I would buy more. Soo I guess she and I worked through it together.

[Kimberley]

Tammy,
Thank you so much for your honesty. I am sure it was difficult to write and I know how difficult it is to live.

I cant advise you either nor would I attempt to but my guess is that your pdoc (like mine) has said something to the effect that only you know what is going to work for you, what is best for you.

In my case, the meds are ongoing, the therapy is ongoing and I am still fighting for survival. Please just do yourself a favour and dont let it get to the point where you have no ability to cope. You will be at the most dangerous place you can be. Make sure you have an external support system you can call on at any time of day or night. I have and I have used it on more than one occasion. I have also used the suicide hotline once.

Be kind to yourself first. It is better to come from a broken marriage that cant be repaired than to live in one. Mine hasnt quite hit bottom yet but if and when it does then it will be me who leaves because my sanity and life is more important to me than my SO. That is the measure I am using.