Red Flags

[Emma Beth]

Earlier this week I finally came out to my wife. She needed time to digest what is new information about the man she has been married to for the last 16 years to her.

I felt good about her reaction because she continued like nothing was wrong. We have been in the process of getting ready to move because she can't continue to live where we are living and needs to move back east to where she feels more at home.

I agreed to this in spite of what I will have to give up for her as far as my job that I have had for the last 12 years and starting over from scratch.

Now that the background is out, now for what happened next.

Last night I went to her work to pick her up and walk her home and she demanded a specific time frame for the move. I quoted her the end of October to give us the time we need for the move. She then proceeded to tell me that I will have to wait until just before or after the move to continue our discussion.

That tells me a few things. One, she refuses to trust me enough that I'm not so sure we can make it. Two, she doesn't believe me and she plans to hold this over my head so she gets what she wants and I don't matter enough to her.

My hearts is aching because of this, but I plan on pushing her just a little tonight and let her know that I can not deal with this much added stress and this will not go away.

Now, what I would like to know is what other kinds of red flags have my sisters seen with their spouses/former spouses when you first came out to your spouse and how you handled them.


Love,
Liz

[Aimee20]

In a partnership you can't have bargaining chips. My own personal experience with my first marriage was somewhat similar in that there was always the next thing before we could openly discuss my issues. After 3 years the relationship spiraled out of control and my self worth plummeted followed by me resenting her and obvious disdain in her interactions with me.
You literally just dropped THE biggest bomb of any relationship but she doesn't want to talk about it, that raises a few questions to me. The next one is that her stipulation it'd to complete the move before there is any more talk about you.
Also, as much as a red flag shouldn't be ignored, you can't dwell on and read too much in to something. The best thing I'd to be total transparent and ask the question why or what.
Why is the move to the ready coast the point when we can talk. What will change after the move to make it a better situation in order for us to discuss.

[Eryn]

Situations of this sort vary widely depending upon the other events that are going on simultaneously.

In any relationship communications is critical. This is something of great importance to you and it is unreasonable for her to tell you that you are forbidden to discuss it for three months.

From her POV there are several possibilities:

1. She is hoping that this is a kinky phase that will go away.
2. She is putting a divorce lawyer on speed dial and needs maneuvering time to arrange for the best settlement.
3. She is so tied up in your imminent move that she doesn't need another complication and has not realized the importance you put on this discussion.
4. Something else that I haven't thought of yet.

Discussing it here will only raise your anxiety. You need to tell her that you care about your relationship, that this issue is of great importance to you, and that it needs to be discussed. Putting it off will not help either of you.

At the same time, be sensitive to her needs. She is an equal partner in this and you need to listen to her concerns.

[Emma Beth]

Aimee, I definitely will be asking her why. That will be the whole point of me gently pushing her on this issue.

Erin, You raise some good points. However, number two can be scratched because we do not have the resources for any kind of lawyer. All of our resources are going into this move.

I can say that this red flag is giving me the feeling that something else may be going on that I may be blind to and I will not be walked on and taken advantage of, and I will be confronting her as gently as I can. I don't want to lose her, but I'm not going to stay in a toxic relationship if that's what I have.

[Princess Grandpa]

I wish I had good advice for you. Don't think because there aren't funds available that she couldn't be talking to an attorney. Hopefully it's nothing more than the move being all she can deal with right now.

Hug
Rita

[lingerieLiz]

Moves are hard on some people. I know people who move on a regular basis and it doesn't bother anyone in the family. On the other hand I know people who have meltdowns in the move process even when the want to move. Your wife who wants to move may be someone who has a lot of anxiety about the move. Pushing her may be too much for her to cope.

[Ann Thomas]

How did you present this to her? As a part time thing. or as a long term thing? How often have you brought it up since then?

All these affect what I would think about it.

I would not agree to suppress the topic until the move. From what it sounds like you're giving up for her in the move, you may be left high and dry at the other end (no wife or no crossdressing).

For me I thought it was a fetish, but as I've grown older it has intensified to the point that I am full time and on hormones. The road you have ahead of you is yours alone and may or may not be like anyone you know. Choose wisely and keep your options open. You can live without your wife or your job, but you can't live without yourself.

Best of luck,
Ann

[Emma Beth]

It is amazing how much of our own fears can color our perceptions of others and their reactions sometimes.

I had a chance to chat with my wife last night about why I have to wait so long to continue our talk. I explained to her why I was asking and she apologized for her poor choice of words. She explained that she most likely would need that long to figure this out for herself. She also said that if she found herself ready before then, then we would talk. I told her that if she had any questions or needed clarification on any point, she could just ask and I would answer.

She knows that the dialog is there when she's ready.

Liz

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm glad you were able to talk to her. Communication is always important in a relationship, but it's true tenfold while transitioning. There's little value in getting suspicious of her motives and a lot to be gained through open, honest exchanges. Always keep in mind how long it took you to come to terms with your gender identity. Asking her to fast-track the process because you're ready is expecting a lot. She needs time to process and it sounds like you have a lot to cope with on other fronts at the moment.

[StephanieC]

This is such a tough thing to do. I don't think it's a "tell all" and "discuss next plans". I think this is something that needs lots of time: time to consider options, time to determine if there is flexibility, time to learn more. As many have indicated, communication is key. But sometimes communication is non-verbal and may occur when you are least prepared. Sometimes an opportunity is presented...for example, a commercial or TV program or running into someone.

For me, these discussions are continually ongoing.

Good luck

-stephani

[mikiSJ]

Elizabeth

I am confused. You have just disclosed what may be your deepest secret. You are willing to relocated after establishing yourself for 12 years. Yet you wife is not willing to sit and discuss your future until the future gets closer.

My instinct says you are being setup for something adverse to you, your career, your marriage. Get ready to duck!

[Stephanie Miller]

Maybe she just wants to deal with the move first, and tackle the "problem" later after she is settled and has more family around as support. But, I would ask yourself if you have the desire yourself to be back east by yourself IF her reason is to utilize you and joint resources just to get back where SHE feels at home prior to ending the relationship. Will you have the resources to move wherever you need to IF AND/OR WHEN she leaves you?

[Emma Beth]

Miki, I thank you for your concern and I can assure you that I do not have blinders on. I have also opened up to my Family and I will have all the support I need there if things go south with my wife. We will be moving in with my sister at first and she has been instrumental in helping me pull up my big girl panties and speak with my wife in the first place.

Stephanie; I'm not fully sure that's what she's doing or not but I can say that she seems to be a little accepting because she is continuing like everything is fine. That's kind of her way of dealing with things.

I can say without a doubt that the signs are good because she is one of those people that says what's on their mind and if she really had a problem with the situation then she would have lashed out and said what was exactly on her mind already. What I have come to realize is that she needs time to think about whether or not she can deal with all the changes that are coming. Sometimes she has a hard time with certain things changing.

I was talking to my Mother yesterday and she summed this up really well, "It's a lot to take in."

Liz