Question - All Replies Encouraged

[Marcelle]

Hi all . . . I thought I would post some questions to generate some discussion based on a litany of threads about how our CDing affects our relationships. This is geared to one particular aspect and that is how our physical presentation is perceived by our SOs and how we integrate our physical presentation into our relationship. This is not meant to point fingers or drum up a "who is bad" but to generate some good discussion. If it gets out of control then moderators please feel free to close the thread.

I will be going away in July for a few weeks on a work related tasking and given the nature of my work, there is never a guarantee I will return home. So my wife and I tend to spend a lot of time soul searching and waxing nostalgic about our life together prior to my departure. Since this if the first time I have had to go away since coming out I asked her the question which was pervasive in a few threads "Since Isha has made her appearance in our lives, do you see me as less of a man?" There was an awkward moment of silence (to be honest my heart skipped a beat :nailbiting:), then she replied (loosely quoted) "If you mean do I think because you dress like a girl you are no longer a man, then no. Clothes are exterior trappings and if you were wearing an Armani suit or a dress, the internal you is still the same. You are all guy regardless of how you dress" She then added "In the past year since you have started dressing I have finally got the man I married back as you have become happier, fun loving, attentive and nurturing. Sweetie I don't care if you dress like a girl all the time, just promise you will come back home"

So I have a few questions aimed at a few groups on this site:

For GGs only: Do you see your SO as a less of a man after seeing him dressed? I am not trying to be argumentative but I am curious as to why you should see someone differently due to physical presentation. If your SO is a kind and good man, an attentive husband/father who does all the things you need him to do, then how does the physical presentation change that? They are the same person. I understand if your SO is selfish and wants you to accept them as a woman in all aspects of life (be your GF vice your husband or introduce the gal into the marital bed if that is not your wish) but if they just want to dress , what changes your perception?

I am cognizant that some here have SOs who are on this site so if you wish not respond I understand. However, if you are willing a PM would be nice as I am trying to understand this from your perspective as much as mine.

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

For CDers (whose SOs don't know) or CDers not currently in a relationship: My question to you would be the same as my question above should you ever decide to come out?

I know I have left our TS sisters and inter-sexed members. However your presentation is not so much something you do but something you need to do to match your gender preference (i.e., you are women and wish to be perceived as such). However, please feel free to respond as you see fit. :)

Hugs all

Isha

[Jenniferathome]

.

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable.


I am always her husband. When dressed, there are things I will never do, such as show overt attention, like holding hands, kiss, and certainly never take it into the bedroom. So, in that sense, we are two "friends" hanging out but we still talk like husband and wife. I am not the equivalent of a "girlfriend" as the conversations are different. I would never, ever do something that makes my wife uncomfortable, including being dressed around her. If she were uncomfortable, she would never see Jennifer. And I make sure to ask this, even today.

[mikiSJ]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.
Isha, I fall into the TG category, but I am not full-time as I am trying to work out how to keep my marriage together. My wife does not me to consider her to be a lesbian, so I do my best to hide the changes being made to my body. As I can no longer get an erection, we have made changes in bed. Where I would wear lingerie when I considered myself to be a CD, now as a TG, I no longer wear lingerie while make love in bed. (Please, I am not trying to start a political fight!)

My wife misses the man I was even when I dressed and now as TG I cannot go back. We are walking a tightrope; NO make that a slack line.
___________________________________
Although I do not know where you are heading, I think I know what you'll do when you get there. Stay alert. sharpen your view, keep your weapon clean, protect your brother and come home: to your wife and family, to your friends, to Canada, to us here on the forum!!

[Jaclyn]

Hello Isha
Once again you have come up with another amazing question that requires a lot of thought about ones self.

I don't expect anything from my wife in regards to my dressing. It always amazes my how excepting she is. I would love for us to be bff's when I'm dress, but really it's enough that she allows me to be me.
She is always joking with me about inching closer and closer to womanhood and soon I'll be more of a woman than her. :)

Jackie

[samantha rogers]

Miki, I could have written much the same thing myself.
Isha, all I can say is that I do my best to remain the person my wife loved enough to marry all those years ago, and remain willing and ready to resume our bedroom activities when and if she is once again ready to accept me in that way. She is still unable to see me sexually again since learning of my nature and since witnessing the changes occurring in my physical form. But, I still have hope. I can say that it is better now than it was a month ago, and that was better than the month before that.
Time will tell. Day by day.
Hugs
Sammie

[Zoe B]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Hugs all

Isha

I talk with my SO quite often about these things, and I will always be first and foremost her husband, like another post here we are who we always are when I am dressed and we act like it, usually plenty of laughing and normal chit chat. I would never cross a line that made her uncomfortable in any way shape or form. I am however very lucky that she is very accepting of this part of my life.

My SO does say that I am far more relaxed and approachable when dressed and for some time afterwards and that this is a great side benefit for us both.

[Simone_40]

..... I do my best to remain the person my wife loved enough to marry all those years ago....
Sammie
Sammie,
I didn't do my best at all to remain the MAN my Beautiful wife who "Loved me with all of her HEART".
I deceived her by not telling her about my CD'ing BEFORE she Married me.
Kisses, :kiss:
Simone

[samantha rogers]

Simone, I feel for you. I did not know nor understand this about myself when I married and only began to dress after marriage. I still feel badly that I was not forthcoming with her when I started, but, sigh...I lived in denial, always thinking I could stop and force it away, which we all know is foolish. It would have been so much better for us both had Ibeen able, but I wasn't. I guess we do the best we can.
Sammie

[bridget thronton]

We are partners and friends regardless of how I dress.

[Andy66]

Isha, good luck on your trip. Be careful. Im sure we will all be anxiously awaiting your safe return.

My only experience with this subject really is an ex with a slight cd fetish, but he was really all guy. Also I dated a transwoman for a while, who was definitely all girl. Unfortunately she always wanted me to dress girly, so we could go out in similar outfits. Sigh. I tried to humor her, but that just wasnt me. I still miss her though.

[Nadya]

Usually my interactions with my SO while dressed is usually light hearted. We do more fun stuff together and similar things to what we do when I'm not dressed. I guess she still sees me for me. She's told me she doesn't care what I look like on the outside. That being said, we've been romantic before while I was dressed but she's not quite sure how she feels about it yet. I'm already kind of a girlfriend to her since we do things together that girlfriends do (shopping for clothes, make up, shoes, have lunch, see movies, etc.) so it isn't a big change of how we interact.

[Confucius]

I do not expect my wife to accept me as a woman. I tell her that I know she has needs, needs that include me as a man. I am her man and I love her. She does not like it when I cross-dress, so we agree to boundaries. I remain a man at all times. I can sleep in a nightgown, or wear a dress, but I never wear a wig, make-up, pads, or pretend that I am a woman. I have no female name. I am just a man in a skirt.

I have noticed that when I do cross-dress that her attitude toward me changes. Its as it she is disappointed, hurt, and confused. I have tried to understand the wives' perspective through their forum: http://www.crossdresserswives.com/revision/forum1.html

I have found that every situation is unique and generalizations are difficult to make. However, most women have certain needs including the need to have a man who will love them, and protect them and be the kind of man they can respect and honor. Whether or not that means you can look like a beautiful woman and still be the kind of man they can respect and honor - well, that depends on the wife.

I would have to say that the responses you get from this forum will be strongly skewed toward accepting cross-dressing. If you want to get another perspective then please study the link provided above. They are for wives only, and while you may disagree with their opinions, please be respectful.

[MatildaJ.]

I don't see my husband as less of a man, overall. I'm proud that he has been honest about this hard topic, and I see him as a source of adventure and excitement, as well as a trustworthy life partner.

But reading this site does make me question sometimes whether I put too much responsibility on his shoulders. This comes up in little moments in our lives, when we fall into traditional marriage patterns and then inside my head I wonder whether he'd prefer to not to carry some burden (literal, like a heavy suitcase, or figurative, like handling our finances). Sometimes I offer to carry the suitcase (or whatever), but I also don't want to emasculate him. I do try to play a more active role during sex, because I've seen so many complaints here about women who expect to be pleased all the time.

So it's not that I see my husband as less of a man, but I see men differently now: as sometimes resenting their role as the strong provider and sexual aggressor. It's a complicated dance, trying to be open to more fluid gender roles without stepping on the pleasure that one person may get from enacting the role at that particular moment.

[CarlaWestin]

I know for a fact that when I breaath in or exhale, I'm a man. I've been one for a long time. There's this unnessary proove it continiously nonsense that society seems to elevate. And what is the quantifier of more or less of a man? I'm the best damn man I know. And I crossdress. Anything else said is just opinion and you know what that's worth.

[Angie G]

My wife knows and when I dress it's the same as if I wasn't in girl mode.:hugs:
Angie

[PaulaQ]

My wife, when we communicate at all - which is infrequent - does refer to me as Paula now. I don't think she really views me as a woman though. I am more of a ghost - the revenant of her dead husband.

And yes, I'd hoped she'd somehow love me as a woman - I love her with all my heart still. This was a completely idiotic hope on my part, because I knew how straight and heteronormative she was. Still, the rational part of me never gave that much more than 1% odds of actually happening. Score - Romantic me: 0, Rational me: 1.

I regret putting her through all of this - she's had a life with me like a dream of Hector Berlioz - it started out beautiful and wonderful, and ended as a terrible nightmare.

[reb.femme]

Hi Isha,

Basically, I concur with everything Jennifer said. When I'm dressed, my wife will not have any physical contact between us, such as kissing or even holding hands and by consequence, this goes no where near the bedroom. However, there are times when we are having a light-hearted conversation, she will playfully jab me in the ribs, pinch my butt or touch my hand.

Currently, we are going through a phase whereby I can see in her face a kind of disappointment or disapproval when I discuss CDing in general, such as a thread on this forum. Yet, next day she will happily go into town with me and help with buying clothes etc. So it's a difficult one at the moment, so I guess she is somewhat disappointed with me. However, when we do get together in the marital sense, we are a loving couple.

I will not cause her embarrassment in the real world, so I'm careful not to out myself to our neighbours or to in any way impinge on her work life. This is a very male dominated environment and she would receive no end of digs and other crap if my other side were to be revealed there. Otherwise, I would be more out to the world.

So all waffle aside, I'd say I am somewhat diminished in her eyes. Sad, but it is a fact I'm sure.

Rebecca

[GretchenJ]

Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

For CDers (whose SOs don't know) or CDers not currently in a relationship: My question to you would be the same as my question above should you ever decide to come out?


First and foremost Isha, please take care and come home safely.. Even you are serving a county different than mine, for the vast majority, we have the same causes, so I say thank you for your service.

I have chosen not to come out exactly for this reason. As Miki has stated, once you are on the tightrope, there is no coming off. So IF I decided to tell my wife and IF she was 100% accepting, ( and I think she would be somewhat accepting because that is the kind of person she is ), I would not expect her to be her GF, and when she said this dress would look good on my, I would feel embarrassed, based upon the introverted person that I am.,for me this journey is deeply personal and private. It makes me happy, but the downside is that somewhat lonely at times, but this is totally my choice and my path.

[jules]

For the so who knows

My wife is accepting but has her limits. She accepted who I am and has told me she likes the other person better because that person is nicer and more understanding. I have spent days as Julie. We watch TV , movies, have supper together and sometimes pokes at my boobs in a joking and loving manner.
She love the man she married and loves the person I become when I'm myself. I hope that makes scence.
We have had our ups and downs but our relationship is strong. I keep all my clothes upstairs. There is no hiding anymore.
Now it's just my acceptance of myself that I am still working on and to be honest it's a battle.
I guess I am one of the Luckey ones to have such a loving wife( it's not been easy for her to say the least but she is a very strong women)
Got to run. I thought I would make a comment on this topic because it was to good to pass up.

Julie

[Beverley Sims]

My wife knows and I dress around the house at all times.
Sh does not have to accept me as a woman although it seems natural when on holidays and I am dressed away from home.
She is not enthusiastic about shopping with me dressed although we will buy clothing together with me in drab.

We love shopping for clothes at Ross and Claire's for jewellery.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Isha. I wish you safety on your trip.

With my relationship nothing has come through expectations. Rather only after vast discussions spanning years.

So at this point we are friends, spouses and lovers, regardless of how either of us is dressed. Oh and I will say that regardless of how I am dressed I am always just me, so it is not as if I ever change how I behave, and that is one thing she has said she appreciates about me and my transness.

[Rogina B]

Isha, I fall into the TG category

My wife misses the man I was even when I dressed and now as TG I cannot go back. We are walking a tightrope; NO make that a slack line.
___________________________________!

I feel that a corrected description is required and that is different than a battle over terms. You and a few others that have replied with your thoughts are Transgender[because we ALL are] and are presently in treatment of your GD[gender dysphoria] with hormone treatments. It is the GD and extent of it that for some of us changes the dynamics at home. Because it is a medical diagnosis,it isn't the same as pretty panties in the drawer that can be given to Goodwill,and all things that bothered a spouse..gone.As might be the case with a crossdressing husband.

[Mimi]

I don't view Eryn as less of a man when she is dressed. I view her as...Eryn...my spouse and best friend, and of course still my husband but in a different form. When we are in public, we behave as two friends, but we both know how we truly feel about one another. I don't judge people by being more or less of a man or a woman--these are social expectations, and she is a complete person however she dresses.

[S. Lisa Smith]

My wife doesn't want to see me dressed, but other than that is very supportive. I respect that and so this has never come up. Good luck and be safe!

[UNDERDRESSER]

"In the past year since you have started dressing I have finally got the man I married back as you have become happier, fun loving, attentive and nurturing. Sweetie I don't care if you dress like a girl all the time, just promise you will come back home"Wooh! Yay! Give that girl a big kiss before you go! (Not that you wouldn't have I know) She's a diamond! And you come back now, ya hear?


So I have a few questions aimed at a few groups on this site:


For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

IshaI asked her pretty much that question a few days ago, "Does the fact that I dress like this make you view me as less of a man?" She thought about it for a few seconds, then replied "No, it's not relevant to how I think of you"

I should remind newcomers that I just wear skirts, mostly around the house, but getting used to being seen further afield. I also wear panties pretty much 24/7, it would be hard to go back to men's stuff there, they suck! The only other thing is I am experimenting with is various kinds of hosiery. In short, I do not dress as a woman, nor feel like one, I am not attempting to "pass" I am working on developing a "look" that integrates a male persona with some clothing items normally thought of as female. Partly this is because of comfort and practicality, partly it's about displaying aspects that most would describe as feminine, but I feel should be open to men as well. I'd be quite happy to wear a modern kilt, (The Mountain Hardware Elkomando kilt looks excellent!) but just one of those would equal just about my total cost of the dozen or so skirts I've bought at thrift stores.

[suchacutie]

From Tina's earlies moments my wife has not wanted any ambiguity about who is whom. Therefore, Tina is officially a girlfriend, and a platonic one. That decision has been extremelyhhelpful in clarifying our relationship and has also minimized the Tina contributions to what we tthought was my male self but was really a composite. She likes the fact that we more and more know which of my characteristics belong to which gendered self. I asked about this and she indicated that my masculine self was more masculine, which she likes, but also could call upon Tina's characteristics when useful...best if both worlds.

[Badwolf]

So far me and my SO are figuring out what we want but here's the situation.

We started dating kind of casually without any real commitments. Before I knew what was happening she was essentially living with me without ever discussing it. She just kept staying over without concern for my personal space. She had seem some clothes around the house, and I had made excuses, but in the end I came out with it after a few months. She asked quite a few standard questions, and in the end told me she accepted me fully. I had asked her ONLY to let me decide who knew. Now here is where it gets even more complex.

I told her how much I really hope to share this with my partner, and for support, and that lead to a retinue of questions about what I want which I told her. These do include to some extent taking female roles in certain things.

She was passive aggressive about the whole ordeal for over a year, while pretending to accept it. Taking it as far as pushing beyond anything I ever even said I wanted on some stuff, and withholding other parts on purpose. It drove me nuts. She continued to focus on my limitations on her talking to people as if I wasn't allowing her to talk to anyone...when she didn't really ask me to tell anyone other than my own family. She tried to skirt the subject when she met my dad, and kept making her side bigger than mine only because she felt like her side wasn't truly being heard so what she said had to be blown way out proportion.

In the end she broke the issue to my mom after a fight without asking me (who is behaving as best as could be expected, which honestly is pretty supportive when she's not dealing with her own issues which makes he really unpredictable). After that she finally started understanding my side of the story. It's taking another whole year and a half or more to really start progressing to see if she really does feel comfortable.

Finally in the end there is one line in the sand she's drawn that I accept. She wants a husband, and kids. I do enjoy the male part of myself as well as the female part of myself and I want children as well, so so far none of the lines seem to really be drawing a crosshairs on the relationship. So while in bed I do like to sometimes have a girl be in control and do some other things, I don't want to be viewed as a separate person, and so far she seems to be willing to explore that type of relationship.

[Amanda M]

For me, you can take Jennifer's reply and sign my name to it! Isha, don't let the bad guys get you, and come back safe.

[Donnagirl]

Isha,

Stay safe my friend, don't worry about the weight, double up on the plates!!!

This really resonated with the SO and I, in fact she could have written it her self..

"In the past year since you have started dressing I have finally got the man I married back as you have become happier, fun loving, attentive and nurturing. "

Self acceptance and that release of inhibitions, the honesty and the crumbling of those walls of deceit.... Totally liberating.

Hugs,

Donna

[Katey888]

Isha,
I read your question yesterday and intended to think on it a while rather than answer right away... I suspect many others in my circumstance may also be doing the same, but I can't leave a sister (Gretchen) alone carrying the 'Doesn't know' flag.. :)

So to address your question framed as:

Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Unlike Gretchen - alas - I don't believe my lovely, conservative wife would be 100% accepting - so that certainly scores a few negatives to start. When I try to imagine what I want should I ever come out to her, I find I have real difficulty to solidify any expectation... other than perhaps the narcissistic side of me that wants her to say "Hey - I'm surprised but you actually make a half decent looking female..." And even that worries me... I think it's because when closeted we only do this for ourselves - by definition, really. And when I think further on the nature of your question, I suspect it has a self fulfilling element to it - so I did a quick bit of analysis and made a pie chart(pic below - I thought it was about time...;))

Predictably, the bulk of respondents are those who have an SO that knows and accepts to some degree (I've included the other categories for the sake of keeping the tally correct and excluded some replies as they can't be completely categorised). I'm beginning to understand something about the nature of this forum and why it has that nature... that's probably for another discussion... my observations here...


The lucky folk (like yourself) who have an SO that knows and accepts are more than happy to talk about these issues because they have context and relevance - for me to answer this question: it's imaginary - a fantasy... I can only hypothesise - which is why I don't think you'll get many 'Doesn't know' responses.. (happy to be proven wrong)
You haven't added the category: "For CDers (whose SOs know and have kicked them to the curb)" :) For obvious reasons, whatever they may have wanted their SO to feel, it has become moot in their rejection... and therein lies the biggest fear for the closeted CDer...
GGs here are - almost by definition - accepting. The non-accepting ones go elsewhere (cdwives.com springs unfailingly to mind)
DADTs are also quiet - again, virtually by definition...


Interesting developments... here's my simple chart - have a great weekend, and when you do go away, keep your head down!
Katey x

[Aprilrain]

At first I didn't want to see my boyfriend dressed, I'd seen pictures and that was enough. I never thought less of him but I'd always known, there was no "big reveal". I just didn't want to be put on the spot if he were to ask me how he looked (he looked like a man wearing a bad wig and a dress that didn't fit) After awhile I got over myself and didn't care as much but he would never dress around me, in fact he claimed to never dress though I know that wasn't true because I'd find clothes laying around. I believe he had deeper issues than just wanting to CD, after we broke up he took hormones for awhile. He has since quit and now has some sexual dysfunction from taking them. I think he wants to transition but has too much fear about it. I was his proxy.

[Michelle (Oz)]

DADTs are also quiet - again, virtually by definition...

Katey, you made the point that DADTs are quiet. The way Isha framed her questions, DADT is not included.

DADT works really well for me and my wife who knows I dress but never wants to discuss my dressing let alone see me.

From reading some of the responses I am fortunate to be free of the emotional rollercoaster that many SOs experience.

[Katey888]

Michelle - I didn't see that in Isha's definition - it might be a misinterpretation but for me, DADT SOs are 'SOs that know' - Isha made no distinction about them having to be accepting SOs, so DADT should be included. I agree the question is less relevant, but no more so than for 'SO doesn't know' - DADT folk do still often have hopes that their SO's perspective will change. :)

In any case, I believe Isha generally makes these questions all-inclusive, like any good vacation destination should be (as it's a holiday weekend for our US cousins ;))

Katey x

PS: And yes, I'd agree it seems you are fortunate... :D

[noeleena]

Hi.

For myself is about acceptance, not what clothes are worn or even trying to look like a female its about being born female and growing into a woman , so a bit different ,

Jos accepted after I told her I was different, took a few years, Plus our family of 18, and of cause our many friends and those I interact with, Jos has remarried and to a..... Nice guy..... so that's good, and we get on well.

How was I perceived, yes as like a male that's part of being intersexed. some of both being male and female , As for now , Just a woman who's well accepted and involved in many groups and with in socity,

To sum up people who get to know my self as a person accept my difference and remain my friends and I them .

...noeleena...

[adrienner99]

Carla really nailed that answer!

[Jenniferathome]

... I just didn't want to be put on the spot if he were to ask me how he looked (he looked like a man wearing a bad wig and a dress that didn't fit) ...

April, this very comment/concern came from another GG here and I offered up a thread that basically said, "tell him." Information is gold. You don't have to coddle a cross dresser by offering false praise. Many of us are challenged with fashion choice. Women develop a style over years yet we cross dressers jump in the deep end, often with disastrous results. Women can help men go from a sl*tty look to a more rational look. IF a wig is bad, tell us! In the end, we are still dudes in dresses, but removing screaming errors is only helping.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Isha, there is no enlightenment that I can add to this thread. My first and only concern is for your safe return. Much peace to you & your wife, Mel

[Cheryl T]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed?

Around the house I may be dressed and carrying myself in a feminine manner, but our interactions are still husband and wife.
My only request is that when we go out that I be treated as a woman. I carry myself that way, I dress myself that way and I feel that I am that inside. It would bother me greatly to be treated as a male when I most certainly do not appear to be that nor do I feel that I am in that circumstance. Of course I still watch over her and protect her in every way, but I need to be her friend (girl friend) in those moments.

[KatieGG]

No, I do not see my husband as less of a man for being a cross dresser. He supports me, he protects me and never lets me forget how much he loves me whether he is wearing jeans or a dress. Maybe it is because I was never really into the whole "macho" kind of guys. It is more important to me for my man to be confidant, open and honest about who he is.

[Di]

Of course ours is a bit different/ as I met Sherlyn and dated Sher first ...met the guys side later. So none of the less of a man thing applys.:D Simple answer kind,attentive, loving person I fell in love with.

BE SAFE HON....WE WILL BE WORRYING ABOUT YOU!

[Ginger Jameson]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

I'm my wife's friend, not GF or BF, and vice versa. Or maybe its better to say I'm both, and vice versa. She's also both to me. We love clothes shopping together and remodeling the house, ogling boobs and talking about cute guys, painting our nails and walking the dogs. I open doors for her whether I'm dressed or not.

In our daily lives she fulfills most of the "feminine" roles: cookies, gardening, most of the cleaning. That's more because I work outside the home than because of gender.

I don't think she sees me as less of a man. The bills are paid, mouths are fed, and the family's needs are met.

In bed we take turns being "the lady." I take more turns at it and that would be true without crossdressing.

[CarlaWestin]

Carla really nailed that answer!
Thanks. I thought I did, too. Like anything else, once you peel off the layers of drama and nonsense, you wind up with what was being covered. The Truth.
Of all of the relationships I've been in, they all seem to boil down to, "This is how I expect you to be if you want to stay with me, The Prize."
Of course, I've been tempered by age and educated by experience. Somewhere I heard, "It's unfortunate that the most valuable lessons we learn in life, we learn through pain."
Well, I've graduated and gotten my degree from Pain U. Now it's all about enjoying my life.

I hope I haven't bored anyone.

[Christen]

Isha,

If I were ever to appear dressed in front of my wife, I'd just love it if she was able to treat me .. actually, I don't know, I really don't.
Maybe if she just humoured my ridiculous obsession, that would good.
Stay safe Isha.

Christen x

[Greenie]

Isha:

I am not quite sure how to answer this question I am pulling inside myself to discover that still I have a difficult time being intimate with luca after I see him dressed. I do not know why. I dont know if I would use the term less of a man luca is luca. I dont really look at him as man/ tg/cd. Just as mine. I strive in my life to look past the gender binary and not allow those misconceptions to cloud my judgment. To be fair, luca has never been overtly masculine. He has however always just been him. And he is a man. Prefers me using the masculine even when dressed.

I dont ever see him as a different person. but the attraction factor changes based on dressing. His demeanor also changes slightly when dressed. And I do not like that. But I dont think its him trying to act feminine or anything. He is quieter, and more shy, less confident. But that also couod be because he is afraid stilp of my reaction, and because he knows I am not attracted to that appearance.

Does that answer your question at all? You can always pm me for more.

[Alice Torn]

Isha, I wish for your safety and return alive and well. If the vanilla world and media, would here of a noble, upright man and cd like you, maybe opinions would change a bit. i did hear of a U.S. Navy Seal, that was highly decorated, and the top of his field, come out, and even wrote a book about his life. Too often, we hear of cd's considered wierdos, pervs, deviants, yada yada. You are a noble, fine human being, in guy or gal mode!

[Ressie]

I've only been in one relationship where I dressed freely in front of my SO, and it was only during sex. I guess I never expected any of my exes to accept me as a woman, or even accept CDing. I also believe it's not a good idea to expect anything from anyone. Expecting something and not getting it ends in disappointment.

That said, I'm expecting Isha to return safely. :)

[Felicia Dee]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Hey Isha, first off, I wannna say that I am sending all the positive vibes, love and best wishes for your safe and speedy return. You're a wonderful person and the world is a better place with you in it. <3 <3

Now, onto your question...

Do I EXPECT my wife to accept me in all I am and do while en femme? No. Do I HOPE she will better understand me as a PERSON? Yes. For that matter, it is my hope that as I explore this side of me, I will better understand MYSELF.

What I have said to her since the beginning, is that I defer to her comfort level... That is, I don't want to do anything that could potentially upset her or make her unhappy. As far as the marital bed goes, let's just say that some new avenues have presented themselves and we have been exploring them openly and honestly.

Together. :o

[Keri L]

Be safe, Isha! Sending positive, lucky thoughts your way.

Best,

Caitlyn

[Eryn]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Mimi and I treat each other as women friends whenever I am fully dressed which is usually only when we go out. She's my BFF, so to speak.

Around the house I'll dress "andro" but I am her husband.

Internally, I don't feel like there are two personalities. I'm always "me" but the way that I interact with the world, including my spouse, changes when I'm dressed. It just doesn't feel natural to interact with her as a husband figure when I'm dressed.

[LouderThanWords]

First of all, best of luck with your work! I hope all goes well :)



For GGs only: Do you see your SO as a less of a man after seeing him dressed? I am not trying to be argumentative but I am curious as to why you should see someone differently due to physical presentation. If your SO is a kind and good man, an attentive husband/father who does all the things you need him to do, then how does the physical presentation change that? They are the same person. I understand if your SO is selfish and wants you to accept them as a woman in all aspects of life (be your GF vice your husband or introduce the gal into the marital bed if that is not your wish) but if they just want to dress , what changes your perception?

I am cognizant that some here have SOs who are on this site so if you wish not respond I understand. However, if you are willing a PM would be nice as I am trying to understand this from your perspective as much as mine.


Here are my GG two cents :)

I don't see my SO as less of a man before, during, or after seeing him dressed. My BF is no different in terms of who he is when he's wearing a dress and forms. I've never been attracted to super-manly men, and my BF certainly isn't one of them. We'd openly discussed our perception of gender roles before he even told me about CDing (I grew up without a father-figure so I do a lot of traditionally masculine things myself).

The only time my perception of him changes based on his physical presentation is when he's wearing makeup (he doesn't wear wigs). Natural-looking makeup or a well-done smokey eye doesn't bother me, but when he's wearing brightly colored makeup he just doesn't quite look like my BF and I'm slightly less attracted to him. He has no interest in going out dressed, so our relationship when he's dressed is just like when he's "en boy." In fact, I'd say we're a bit more intimate when he's dressed because he's more relaxed. His CDing currently is more fetish-based, but we know there's always a chance that could change in the future.

As long as my BF stays who he is on the inside, stays open and honest with me about his CDing, and is open to compromise (if possible) when something bothers one of us, then I've got no issue with it and it doesn't change my perception of him.

[sammiecd]

All these different responses. Wow. My wife and i just recently discussed my cd, and we're still coming to terms with it. So far i don't feel that it has effected us very negatively. I have a hard time not being embarassed around her now, but i'm sure that will fade. She mentioned taking her mother and neice out to get pedicures (after we had talked the other night about when i took her and I to get one, and confessed to her, that yes, I wanted my toes painted but could not imagine really going through with it.) When she mentioned that we both recognized a bit of embarassment on my part because she knew what I was thinking, but didn't say anything about it.

She has been warm and considerate toward me since our talk, and has been taking her time adjusting. Yesterday (the day after the talk), I sat down in her lap (we're already kind of weird like that), and she hugged me and with smile and chuckle said "there's no chance that what we talked about last night was a dream, was it?" I told her it wasn't. For right now, I'm just happy she knows. It's been quite a weekend :)

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I'm in the minority here (as always, lol) and don't really understand how it wouldn't change how I see you. I mean, let's be real - it's not just clothing, is it. It's the entire presentation of a woman and regardless of whether my H is still just behaving like himself, he looks disturbingly different and the completely wrong gender to what I married. So yes, it has literally affected how see him. When he crossdresses he doesn't look like a man I'm attracted to and I'd have to be blind not to be affected by this, surely?!

Do I still respect him? Yes. I don't feel the two are linked. I am not as attracted to him after seeing the femme version, but I still respect him as my H and best friend. Given the job you do Isha, I would find it easy to respect a man like you, too. You are the epitome of courage and selflessness, no matter what you're wearing. I wouldn't be attracted to you as Isha though, and I'd struggle not to have this permeate all areas of the relationship.

I do have to ask though, if no one here wants be seen as a woman, why do you crossdress? It seems like an awful lot of effort to still be seen as a man. Am I missing something?

[VickiTheGamer]

My SO does not see me as a women. She accepts Vicki, but she sees me as the Guy she is with but in women's clothing. We kiss, hug and interact like we do when I am not in feminine clothing. Outside, she prefers we are just best friends. She has let me know, "I am NOT a lesbian" and prefers the intimate behavior stay in the house when Vicki is around. Oddly enough though, now that I have finally gone out in the day time, she is all anxious to go out with me now as Vicki to shop and do stuff. She wants Vicki to go out with her now instead of the Male me. So, I am now in the process of trying to figure that out. Perhaps this is the next step to her accepting me as a women.

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Firstly thanks much to all for your kind wishes . . . not the first time down this road and most likely not the last but I always seem to make out okay (relatively that is). :)

I thought I would reply now as I will get busy over the next few days preparing and may not have time to get back on the forum. It is interesting to see that so many here feel much as I do in that it is not so much "being seen as a woman" but doing something that makes us feel complete. I guess when it comes down to it we (CDers) don't truly loose sight of the fact that we are still guys even though on occasions (given the situation) it is easier to present and act as a woman. I also want to thank all the GGs who responded and provided insight from that perspective as I was truly curious.



I'm in the minority here (as always, lol) ... I do have to ask though, if no one here wants be seen as a woman, why do you crossdress? It seems like an awful lot of effort to still be seen as a man. Am I missing something?

Hey Tink. Nothing wrong with being the minority and honesty is always appreciated in my quest to better understand and grow. As to your question, it is not so much I don't want to be seen as a woman but it is situation dependent. When I am out and about "blending" allows me to move through venues without attracting too much attention. When I interact if people choose to treat me as a woman (gender appropriate pronouns, compliments on clothing, make-up etc.) I won't stand up and say "Hey, I'm a dude so lets talk about dude things (if there is such things). Conversely if someone calls me sir or goes out of their way to treat me like a man . . . I won't be incensed or make a fuss. All I truly want is to be seen as a person who has made a choice to dress and present in a manner which I prefer (boy or girl). Hope that makes sense.

Thanks again all . . . we'll see you all later. :)

Hugs

Isha

[Martha G]

I'm a guy. Want to stay a guy.

But also likes to dress as a woman.

But when I am dressed as such, like a method actor, I want to become that person. That's why it is so important to me to be able to handle my walk, voice and mannerisms as well as dress to really look passable.

When the makeup and clothing is off then I am back to being me. However, I did enjoy that female experience very much.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Thanks Isha :)

And thanks for not minding that I'm not a fully accepting GG. Sure, there are other forums out there I could visit with angry wives who hate crossdressing and likely their H's, too. I tried one once and felt even worse as the women made me feel a freak for staying married! (I'm lucky I found a small yahoo group of wives to chat to, who are in the semi-tolerant range like me). But I think there's a balance too, and I don't believe I have to love everything about my H in order to stay with him. I feel better than I did before joining here, but the members here with wives who fully accept probably don't get how important this forum can also be for those of us who struggle. They don't get why women like me struggle, and I'm sure the accepting GG's here don't get why either. Why is this so hard for me and not them? I'd love it not to be, but I don't think I'm a bad person for feeling this way either. Talking to you all here has been the best therapy. I like to over indulge a problem until I'm literally so educated and bored with it, it's not a problem any more. Given all I've learned here, any day now I'll be very bored with my H's crossdressing, lol.

So thanks for asking the big questions that help me think things through, and for putting up with mine x

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Isha, Not knowing exactly how my SO would react to knowing I CD, makes this a bit difficult.
In my my mind, if she was accepting, I would be the guy she has always known. I am today, it's who I am.
I'm sure I would be just as uncomfortable as she for a while. After it played out a while, things would probably progress. They seem to progress without her knowing, why would it stop after her knowing?
I wouldn't force the girlfriend on her if it wasn't something she wanted.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Lidea]

Hi Isha
Good luck with your trip.

As in previous threads, I can surely agree with Tinkerbell.
I just tokd my H tge other night if it was only about the clothes, it wouldnt be such an issue. Then he woukdve looked like my husband in a dress.... and still the same person undrrneath... but now add the wig, makeup, forms etc... and whallah... youve got a whole new person. And to add to that... a fairly goodlooking lady too...

And that is what makes it difficult for me. I do not know how to react, because I know it is my husband sitting next to me... or is it?
I love him so so much, but when en femme, I almost feel dead inside, ie no emotional thoughts towards who is sitting next to me. And it takes some time for me to recover, even after he turned into guy mode again.

I really try to be understanding and respectful though. But as Tink said... I did marry a man, and having a 'wanna look and feel like a woman'-man in the house occasionally, is still difficult.

I do hope that Jenny would also reply to this thread. She can make some insightful remarks...

Thanx for an interesting thread.
Lidea

Sorry for my spelling.... keyboard frustrations :bonk:

[Jenny Elwood]

Jenny has only visited home a couple of times, and Lidea and I are still trying to find each other regarding this.

To put this into context: We put the kids to bed by 8:00 behind a locked passage door and Jenny dresses (and undresses afterward) in the spare room. Jenny does not, and by mutual agreement, will never get to go down the hallway to the bedroom. This is something we both feel strongly about, so all traces of Jenny is removed before bedtime and intimacy is reserved for the night before or after, since the presence of Jenny may still be latent on "Jenny night" (too late anyway!).

Back to the point. I find Lidea to be very stiff at first, but as the evening progresses she seems to warm a bit to Jenny's presence. I am by nature a very phlegmatic person so it doesn't really phase me whilst Jenny is present. We do talk about things afterwards to try see how we can accommodate each other. My wife, to her credit, has grown as a person incredibly as well. Before, I could not talk to her, I could not express how I felt because she took away my initiative to do so by getting emotional. To all you GG's out there, no matter how much you hate your husbands crossdressing, please, please I beg you afford him the freedom to talk to you about his feelings, his thoughts, his emotions. If you get upset ie. shout, cry, slam the door, chase him away, make threats, you cut the communication channels because, if he is like me, he values peace in the home and will revert to silence otherwise. Crossdressing is however something you need to talk about in a frank and open conversation, where both parties need to have the opportunity to state their case, openly and honestly. So thank you my lovely wife for allowing me the freedom to express myself, not just in the dressing. In many ways crossdressing and the resultant fallout has seen us grow in our relationship outside of it as well.

Initially (my first visit) we kind of pretended Jenny was a totally different person. Though fun at first, it become taxing after a while and now I would say Jenny really is just a different aspect of me. I don't think I become a different person any more, I just spend some time in this extension of my personality. Last time I had a difficult time shutting Jenny down for the rest of the weekend, this time I was fine to be J... again after I removed the last trace of nail polish. I'm not so confused about who Jenny is any more, she has her place, but then I can shelve her away again afterward (for the time being anyway) and be happy in my male role. I'll go out on a limb here as well and admit being intimate with my wife more frequently also helps me shelving Jenny easier. I know a lot of folk here profess that crossdressing is not sexual, and is all about being feminine, but why then do I find it so much easier to put Jenny away when my libido is low?

So to my wife I would like to say this: I know just allowing Jenny in the house without sticking a knife in her back is a big step and if you never move past this it's ok too. I don't have any expectations really, just showing me the courtesies you would afford a stranger in your home is good enough. I will try impact Jenny as little as I can on your life, and yes it is good to be afforded some niceties.

And thanks for the compliments my dear, I know how difficult it must be to afford them to me.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Jenny, thanks for sharing this. My H is the same - I get emotional and antagonistic during a conversation about crossdressing, or anything really, and he can shut down for days. I'd never thought of this as wanting 'peace in the home'. I just thought he was being a typical man in his cave! I try these days to fight a lot less as I've learned it doesn't work anyway. Still, it's nice to have it explained so clearly. My H has always been the guy who prefers calm over drama. Shame he married this hot bloodied girl, isn't it?!

And my H needs his alter ego a lot less when sex is frequent. But then, he freely admits crossdressing is about sexuality for him, and whether gender is included in there somewhere (by default?) he never thinks he's a woman. He just fantasises he looks like the woman he gets off on.

Hard for a wife to acknowledge? Yes! There are two fantasy girls and three people in my marriage. Thankfully, one thing I don't worry about is that he's the hotter one. Not in a frozen hell chance...lol!!

Sorry Isha, if we've gone off on a tangent. You just write such thought provoking threads! :)

[Claire Cook]

Hi Isha,

What a thoughtful thread. I think much of the responses here depend on the two involved, especially the wife / SO. In my case, Sue would never have been attracted to a macho type, and it was in part my gentler and hopefully understanding side that attracted her to me in the first place. She would call me "sweet one" even before I came out to her. Does she see me as GF? No -- I'm her husband / partner / lover, even though I'm likely to be wearing my comfy clothes around the house (and I find I talk more when dressed...). Sure we go out together as two women -- she appreciates my input on choice of clothes, and if we're buying stuff for the house, Claire's point of view is useful. Much as we like to have GNO's with other girlfriends, if it is the two us, I'd rather it be a husband and wife date (but sometimes it isn't!).

You take lots of care and come home safely!

Hugs,

Claire

[Amanda M]

Isha - just a request. When you get back, can you put it on your to do list to let us all know?

[Zylia]

I do have to ask though, if no one here wants be seen as a woman, why do you crossdress? It seems like an awful lot of effort to still be seen as a man. Am I missing something?
Great observation! Yes, the whole point for me is trying to be seen as a woman when I'm cross-dressed. However, regardless of my presentation, I still feel like a guy (or rather like myself, but I've never been anything else but myself so I can only assume that this is how most guys feel).

People who know me and my hobby (like hypothetical SOs) are free to interact with me the way they see fit (if gender is an issue at all). If they feel the need to interact with me in a way that matches the (suggested) gender of my presentation I'm fine with that. If complete strangers misgender me it can be a bit rude (assuming my presentation isn't too ambiguous), because they obviously can't know for sure what my gender identity is.

[chanie]

Isha, firstly wishing you hatzlocha on your trip and may you return safely.
When I dress I feel female and feel more creative and usually do things that I would never do in guy mode. Such as crafts, rearranging things, and sometime cleaning up the house. My wife even realises that I have been dressed because she says I leave the rooms that much neater when I am.
I always present and act as a guy when not dressed but usually only get dressed when I am at home by myself.