Wondering about parents...

[Bryn]

I don't post much, so a quick update as so much has been happening over the last three months: I found a gender therapist, got a job and started saving up money. I'm also drug free for the longest time in few years which has been a big deal for me! My therapist wants to see me for a few more weeks (her policy) and then she'll write me the letter and I'll be able to start HRT. I plan on getting as much facial hair taken care of as I can afford starting around then. So everything seems to be falling into place.

Fortunately my parents are pretty liberal, especially about gay rights since we have close gay relatives, but I've never heard them speak a word about transsexualism. I planned to tell them right before I go full time and when I have more of a financial standing for myself. The problem is I'll be going back to school in a few months and I'm afraid I'll be outed too soon. I keep wondering if changes to my appearance, subtle as they may be, will stand out more since I'll be away for a while before coming back and prompt questions. I haven't talked to my therapist directly about telling my parents yet but she doesn't seem to condone it and didn't at all share my fears about being able to remain in the closet.

Also recently my mom cleaned out my bathroom counter and found women's razors and some other feminine products hidden back there. What really surprised me is she just put them up in the drawer they were behind without saying anything to me and casually mentioned later that "my things were organized now". Even later she jokingly mentioned that I should get waxed instead of shaving which felt odd to say the least. I'm probably thinking too much into this because it's not like they'd see hair removal and jump straight to transsexual, or hell even crossdresser but it can't be a bad thing... though I am quite annoyed that she invaded my privacy like that at my age (20).

So do you think I'm just being paranoid or what? Think I should make anything of my mom's nonchalant reaction to finding my things?

[Rachel Smith]

Don't put the cart before the horse. You have plenty of time to research this with your therapist and yourself. No one can say how your parents will react. I will say this no one person knows you like your mother and no two people know you like your parents.

BTW congrats on moving forward.

[I Am Paula]

I've put 20 behind me quite a while ago, but here goes.
I'm glad you feel that everything is coming together. It's a bumpy ride, and having your act together surely helps.
Everything I read in your post about your parents (at least your Mom) sounds like they are ripe for coming out. Your Mom certainly knows something is going on, and the waxing comment was her trying to open a dialog. If you can't initiate a conversation, wait for the next time she says something, and be ready to jump in.
Your parent's views on homosexuality are quite reassuring. Everybody knows gay people. Unless you're watching Orange is the new black, or Eurovision, most people have no reason to bring up transgender topics. It just isn't on their radar. To most of my friends I am the only contact they have ever had with us, so don't worry if it doesn't come up at the dinner table.
Every closeted (or just pre-coming out) person gets a little scared. You're trying to live two lives, one of which is secret. You're mom's reaction to finding femme items should be viewed in a positive light. She didn't freak out! I think you have nothing to worry about, and you will know when the time is right to move to the next step.
Good luck!

[DeeDee1974]

It is definitely good to have liberal parents. It's tough to read into your mom's reaction without actually truly talking to her about it. And if you're not ready to talk to her about it just leave it be.

When I was around your age, my mom asked me to take some of her clothes and my sisters clothes to good will. Naturally before the donation, I went through the bags and kept a couple items for myself. I hid them away far back in my closet. My mom found them, folded them nicely and put them in my dresser. She then told me she had done so. Then we never spoke about it. Then about a year later when she was going to get rid of some more clothes she said I could look through them and take anything I wanted. And that was it.

After I came out, I asked my mom why she didn't make a big deal out of it. She said she didn't really care if I wanted to dress up and if I really wanted to talk about it, them it was up to me to do so.

[traci_k]

Bryn, You are fortunate. Many younger parents today are much more open minded. You also mention that your parents are also quite liberal on gay issues. Many parents today seem to be more understanding of Trans issues if you follow the news about more children being allowed to transition in their youth and teens. I think its a good sign they'll be understanding. Its not like it was 40-50 years ago.

Hoping for the best for you!

Hugs,

[kimdl93]

Let's start with the bathroom cleaning first. Your living under your parents roof, and while some privacy may be appreciated, I don't consider the bathroom to be off limits, particularly from a mom who is doing what she needs to to maintain the household to her standards. Seems she did the courteous thing by organizing and putting your razors and other products away. And she reached out to you in a very positive way. That is the place to begin discussing your gender issues with her.

Congratulations on putting drugs behind you and getting a job. As others have suggested, take your time, make the most of your therapy sessions and get your feet firmly on the ground as you move forward. This is not a race.

[PretzelGirl]

The problem is I'll be going back to school in a few months and I'm afraid I'll be outed too soon. I keep wondering if changes to my appearance, subtle as they may be, will stand out more since I'll be away for a while before coming back and prompt questions.

This is a tough one. It depends on a few things. One is how many changes you plan on making (I see HRT, are you growing your hair, getting ears pierced, etc), the duration you will be gone, and if your parents tend to notice details or are completely ambivalent. My mother never said a thing directly as I went through changes over about 7-8 years and she only saw me about three times. She made one comment about not wanting to see me not coming out of a room in a tutu which was at a minimum a tell that she noticed something was up. So if they are observant at all, they will notice as you are their child.

[Bryn]

This is a tough one. It depends on a few things. One is how many changes you plan on making (I see HRT, are you growing your hair, getting ears pierced, etc), the duration you will be gone, and if your parents tend to notice details or are completely ambivalent. My mother never said a thing directly as I went through changes over about 7-8 years and she only saw me about three times. She made one comment about not wanting to see me not coming out of a room in a tutu which was at a minimum a tell that she noticed something was up. So if they are observant at all, they will notice as you are their child.

Well, I'll be gone between 3-4 months each semester.
I've worn my hair long since I was a child, but I'm starting to part it to the side and keeping it more neat/trim.
I'll be getting facial electrolysis.
I'm planning on losing some muscle.

So I guess it's not really a question as to whether they will notice these things (my dad will definitely notice the last one) but what kind conclusions they will draw...

[mechamoose]

Your Mom (at least) is able to read the tea leaves.

I think you are in a fortunate situation. You have gay friendly parents, who at least GET the idea of gender issues.

From what I'm reading, I think you should talk to your Mom, at least. Dad may surprise you. I really don't think it will backfire on you.

I think they already know you are 'different', sweetie.

- MM

[Aprilrain]

As you say, no one sees a pink razor in a guys bathroom and thinks TRANSSEXUAL! If she thinks anything at all she probably just thinks your getting laid! The changes from HRT may cause them to notice but the thought that their child might be trans is in all likelihood the furthest thing from your parents minds. I'd develop a plan, with your therapist, for when you want to come out. Don't let fear dictate how and when you transition.

[Bryn]

Well I can guarantee that she knows the razors are mine and that I use them, and she definitely doesn't think I'm getting I'm getting laid lol... But your point still stands

[Aprilrain]

I'm sure my mom found some things of mine when I was about your age, a skirt, some underwear and a.....well anyway she never said anything about it and when I transitioned they never would have guessed.

[DeeDee1974]

The hardest part in all of this, is that people jump to directly to guessing about ones sexuality instead of gender identity. At least that was the case with my mom. I also had some friends who thought I was probably gay.

When you tell people you are trans that's when they feel like you've told them something from out in left field.

[Xrys]

It sounds like your parents are going to be more accepting than mine was. There is a thread on that somewhere but i will give a quick recap. She is a fundamentalist christian and that has lead to some dissagreements about my choice to "give in to taking the easy way out," as she calls it. When I first came out to her a little over a year ago, she bought me what was basicly a 'pray the gay away' book. I have learned that just like I had to wait til i was ready to talk about it, I also have to wait untill she is ready too. She knows where I stand on it, but we cant really have a conversation about it untill she is ready too.

It sounds to me like your mom might be ready. The question is are you? Talk it over with your therapist.

[Dianne S]

I keep wondering if changes to my appearance, subtle as they may be, will stand out more since I'll be away for a while before coming back and prompt questions.

My guess is probably not. Most people are not very observant. In the last year, I have shaved my beard, had laser hair removal on my face, shaved my arms and legs, grown my hair out long and had my ears pierced. Sure, people noticed the long hair and the missing beard, but no-one commented on the other changes and I'm sure no-one at work has figured me out yet. :) My mother did not notice the pierced ears or shaved arms.

As for your parents: Only you can judge, but I think it's usually best to come out to them if you think they'll be accepting. Not having to keep a secret is a huge relief. I came out to my mother, sisters and kids recently and it was the best move I could have done. Everyone was loving and supportive. My wife knew about CDing since before we were married and now knows I'm (probably) TS, though I've put transition plans on hold for now.