So here is a question for you...

[Stephanie Miller]

So why the heck do I feel guilty? I mean it’s been 5 months since the separation and the divorce is already final. It’s still hurting but I know I have to move on. So I’m on the dating sites just looking for someone to go to dinner with. I enjoy female companionship. I’m very open that I do not want a long term relationship. I’m worried about dragging a lady through a rebound relationship. I'm just looking for a friend to do "normal" couples stuff with.But just the knowledge that we MIGHT enjoy each other enough that it might turn into something is enough for me to worry that I’m starting a friendship off dishonest and deceiving. I just don’t like it. Although I know if I put the CD part of me in the profile then I might as well put that I was a leper. ( No offense meant to any lepers. Just an analogy). Why is life as a CD so darn difficult :sad: ( O.K., So that’s really two questions :doh: )

[MelanieAnne]

You didn't say how long you were married, but it does take some time to get back into circulation. Try and find some singles groups and activities to get involved in. They have many different activities, from dances, picnics, golf, camping, cards, house partys, meetups, etc. It's a good way to get out and meet people. There are no commitments, and most don't even require you to join a group, although you can if you find one you like.

[Nadine Spirit]

It is an important detail, but kind of an intimate one huh? Personally I think it should be discussed as you two are getting to know each other. If you want to say it upfront, I think that is fine as well. But I don't see anything wrong with waiting a bit. When would you discuss finances? Right away or after a bit?

Oh and life does appear hard often, but i think life is just life, if that makes any sense.

[Andy66]

I agree with miss MelanieAnne. Five months isnt much time to let yourself heal.

You probably dont need to put cd into your profile, but maybe give yourself a time frame, like by the end of the second date, or before you get intimate for example.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Stephanie, Its still hurting, of course, 5 months isn't a very long time.
Wanting to move on is great, but friendships/companionship are long term relationships.
Don't worry being the dishonest person some here would make you think you are, IMO if you don't
reveal at the get go, no big deal. Let your new friend meet YOU! Reveals can come later if things get serious.
Sorry it's so difficult, but If it were easy, everyone would do it!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Jenniferathome]

It is an important detail, but kind of an intimate one huh? Personally I think it should be discussed as you two are getting to know each other. If you want to say it upfront, I think that is fine as well. But I don't see anything wrong with waiting a bit. When would you discuss finances? Right away or after a bit?
..

I'm with Nadine. No one learns EVERYTHING about someone on a first, second or even 10th date. BUT, by that time, it is obviously getting "real" and the talk should happen. Frankly, I think before sex happens.

[Stephanie Miller]

Sorry I didn't say it in this post MelanieAnne, as that had been expressed in an earlier post. It was a 40 year marriage. And I agree with you and the others that it will take time to heal before taking on another mate. That is exactly why I'm just looking for friends and nothing serious. The sex thing hadn't even crossed my mind Jennifer. I guess its because to me, friends don't have sex. If they do then they are more than friends. But to get to my point Nadine and Jennifer, if it was just normal finance or quirky everyday stuff that people work through every day its one thing - but something like this that is such a powerful deal breaker from the get go - isn't that like leading someone down a path where you are 99% sure they don't want to go is deceiving?

[Tinkerbell-GG]

isn't that like leading someone down a path where you are 99% sure they don't want to go is deceiving?

Yes, yes it is. Big sigh.

Honestly, I wish it was legally mandated that crossdressers reveal this information on dating sites. Crossdressing is not the same as finances or bad habits or any other intimate detail that may change over time. Crossdressing is an innate identity you will carry with you through the life of your relationship and maybe even the next life. Women deserve to know this from the get-go, as they deserve to know if you're straight, gay, have a prosthetic leg or vote republican. (Okay, that last one might just be me :))

But you already acknowledge this so I'm really not worried for those single gals you're about to sweep off their feet. :)

[Katie Russell]

How times change. The internet has caused a whole load of new anxieties.

Forgive my ignorance but I thought that you are trying to advertise yourself on on-line dating. It's not a warts and all disclosure - besides what you put on a profile will be sent to loads of people who a computer decides are suitable matches. That may seem a bit paranoid. It's human nature to promote your good attributes and hide your faults. If we didn't nobody would ever date anyone.

With regards to disclosure it was never an option in my day. The internet wasn't around and to be honest I didn't know that much about CDing ( a lot more since the internet came along). I thought it was a phase I was going through during my childhood. It stopped during my youth and into my 20's. So why would I disclose that I used to wear my sister clothes when I was younger. It didn't start again until after I was married.

Sometimes having too much knowledge is a dangerous thing as it causes all sorts of problems.

May be if CDer's had to disclose it would be a good idea to cover the term in a glossary just so potential dates could understand a little more.

Katie

[Katey888]

Stephanie - good advice already from MelanieAnne and Katie on this... This is a short period of time but you should try not to beat yourself up too much over this... :hugs:

Katie makes a good point about disclosure - I don't understand where this 'full and open disclosure' idea comes from... sounds way too much like a trial preparation for me (maybe that's the analogy... ;))

You want to date someone to be friends - you want the pleasure and variety of exploring a new personality and potential relationship - you want that to be a process of mutual discovery and have fun (and dinners and wine, presumably...?) doing it... Disclosure does away with all that - it's like 'Stepford Dating Agency' gone mad... Take this to an absurd extreme and how far do you go? Bad personal habits? Sexual proclivities? This isn't dishonest and it isn't deceit for friendship. You choose when you want to open up this side of you... It may never come to that, so why agonise over it?

Please let up on yourself... enjoy the company of strangers a bit more... and enjoy that learning and discovery process... :D

Katey x

[Mollyanne]

I feel bad for you about a 40 year marriage "goin' down the toilet" but if I may ask, what was the reason?????? If it was the cross dressing "thing" then I can understand your anxiety. As far as revealing your penchant for cross dressing why do you have feel as if you have to reveal it now????? Why can't it wait for a while and see where the relationship goes????? You are NOT being secretive about NOT revealing something that is personal and intimate but just being cautious. If it makes you feel better, take a hot bath, slip into something soft and silky and have a glass of red wine!!!!!!!

Molly

[Roxie]

40 years is a long time to be with someone. I don't think 5 mths is long enough to get over it,take your time to find out who you really are , and then go from there.

[MeganDay]

There's a big difference between a secret and a private matter. We all have private matters in our lives that we don't just advertise to everyone. There's nothing wrong with that. I agree with Katie that the whole idea of "full disclosure" is antithetical to the fun and mystery of dating and getting to know someone.

Should you tell when it looks like it's going to get serious? Of course! It's an intimate part of you that you SHOULD share with someone that gets that close. The trick is a) finding someone that will accept it, and b) knowing when that moment arrives. Sadly, that last is something only you can figure out as you're going.

Good luck to you, Stephanie. I believe you'll do fine.

Megan

[kimdl93]

It's not being cd that's difficult....it's being new to divorce. I felt exactly the same fear of premature attachments for a couple of years after my divorce. In my case that reluctance to commit stemmed from a persistent desire...fantasy...that my ex and I might reconcile given time. Actually, I cut short several promising relationships for fear that I wasn't ready to commit...and I really wasn't. My therapist at the time said it takes about five years, and that's about right.

I did finally completely sever those old bonds and began a new relationship with my present wife. I told her when it was time...before we were engaged, but after we were serious. From then life has gone on remarkably well.

[Desirae]

What do you feel guilty about? If its withholding the Cding information from prospective dating partners that's one thing. If you feel guilty just for the simple fact that you're even on a dating website looking for dates, even though you just came out of a long term marriage, that's another. Could be you still love your ex-wife and you feel guilty about causing the marriage to end. That would certainly be understandable. And five months isn't a very long time for healing.

[Confucius]

You ask two questions:
1. Why the heck do I feel guilty?
2. Why is life as a CD so darn difficult?

Without sitting down on a couch and reviewing your formative childhood memories, I would venture to say that you are experiencing some internal conflicts. These conflicts are the center of your guilt. For example you may believe that you should behave a certain way, or that you need to meet your parent expectations. You want to bring honor to those who you love, and instead you feel that you are dishonoring those you love.

Society is filled with behavioral expectations and cross-dressing conflicts with many of these social constructs. We are told that men have unearned social, economic, and political advantages that are granted to them solely on the basis of their gender. It is called "male privilege". So when a man creates a female alter-ego and gives himself a feminine name - it conflicts with social convention.

Men are expected to love women, to provide protection for women, and to financial provide for women. The "normal" woman needs to feel held and loved by a man. Women need to feel secure and protected by a man. Women need to love a man they can respect and honor. When a man cross-dresses it often means that her needs will NOT be met. Yes, some women can accept a cross-dressing partner, and every woman is slightly different, but I am only speaking in generalities.

I am not saying that cross-dressing is wrong, only that social convention has a problem with it. I am a cross-dresser myself, and my wife has limits to her tolerance. I respect her boundaries and do my best to live within them. Communication is very important. I find that what the important things are simply: Love, Protect and Respect. Love your partner in 5 languages - quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Protect her 3 ways - physical protection, financial protection and mental protection. And Respect: This includes communication and understanding. Understand her needs and values and meeting those needs and values.

[Simone_40]

Stephanie,
The hurt will eventually fade, & 5 months is much too short of time to expect any sort of healing.
Honesty is ALWAYS the best Policy, I learned the hard way.
Deception + Dishonesty will ALWAYS come back & bite you in the ass!

[Coping2014]

I can't speak for all GG but only myself. I know that if I happened to be back in the dating scene I would definitely hope that you would share the CD information with me before our relationship would head to the bedroom. I understand not wanting to standing there with a sign on your neck stating "I'm a CD" but in many threads I have read it is the betrayal and lies that tend to hurt a woman to the core that is hard for them to get over. I'm still processing this and while I realize my husband didn't tell me because he really didn't know or understand all this before we were married I have forgiven him but I still feel as if I have lost this 'husband' that I thought I had and it is really hard to get over that. Now where you KNOW this is an important facet of your life I do feel that you really need to share it with her before you would get serious (and by that I mean sex - I know sex and hook ups are a new trend but most of us of the older persuasion think its a bit distasteful and having sex means something). I mean you could start out just a casual thing friend with benefits but what if eventually it turns into something over time - then you are back to hiding it from someone and in my mind that would be a betrayal.

Wish you the best - we all deserve someone to be happy with so I hope you find yours!

Coping2014

[Jenniferathome]

Yes, yes it is. Big sigh.

Honestly, I wish it was legally mandated that crossdressers reveal this information on dating sites. Crossdressing is not the same as finances or bad habits or any other intimate detail that may change over time. Crossdressing is an innate identity you will carry with you through the life of your relationship and maybe even the next life. Women deserve to know this from the get-go, as they deserve to know if you're straight, gay, have a prosthetic leg or vote republican. (Okay, that last one might just be me :))...

Tinkerbell, I agree that women SHOULD know. But are you suggesting that on a first date the cross dresser should state this about himself? I'll bet on your last first date, you didn't ask if he was a republican, or straight or gay. You are just trying each other on, so to state. If things seem to "fit", THEN doesn't it make sense to come out?

My opinion is that if a cross dresser outs himself prior to knowing anything about the there party, the woman is more likely to think, "This might not be worth the effort." OR, "Arn't all cross dressers gay and transitioning into women?" I would think they give up before even learning about the person.

I agree with what Coping stated: "I would definitely hope that you would share the CD information with me before our relationship would head to the bedroom."

[sometimes_miss]

Yes, yes it is. Big sigh. Honestly, I wish it was legally mandated that crossdressers reveal this information on dating sites. Crossdressing is not the same as finances or bad habits or any other intimate detail that may change over time. Crossdressing is an innate identity you will carry with you through the life of your relationship and maybe even the next life. Women deserve to know this from the get-go, as they deserve to know if you're straight, gay, have a prosthetic leg or vote republican.

And there you have it, straight from a GG's keyboard. This seems to be the general belief of women in general. Crossdressing IS a big deal, a huge one. It's not an 800 pound gorilla in the room. It's King Kong. That's how strongly it polarizes women into the two groups of being attracted to us (few indeed), or sexually turned off (well, pretty much all but a handful). But most crossdressers here simply refuse to believe it. I understand. WE don't want to give up hope. We still dream of finding a mate. It's just so hard to accept that we'd be more likely to win the lottery or get hit by lightning than find a woman who likes crossdressing men. So every single one of you who has an accepting SO, never, EVER forget just how lucky you are, and treat that woman like the rare gem she is, because there are millions of us out here that would be thrilled to treat her like a queen if you ever gave her reason to leave you.

And putting it into an online profile is yes, basically the kiss of death.

[Nadine Spirit]

Women deserve to know this from the get-go, as they deserve to know if you're straight, gay, have a prosthetic leg or vote republican.

Interesting group of things to list. I know for me that I wish I knew of a whole group of things about my wife when I first met her. That eternal ponderable "if I had only known about... before I... then I would have..." But it really is not realistic to think that she could have understood what things were of such vital importance that I needed to know them prior to even getting to know her. Even though many of these issues have been around us and as life defining for her as my gender issues have been for me.

I am a firm believer in full disclosure of oneself to another, while developing a relationship. That is what developing a relationship really is about, in my mind. Not this magical, fairy land, Disney life, where people see each other, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Being in a relationship is hard work.

My wife and I have been really pondering that whole "for better or worse" line in most marriage vows. I think most people look at it as, yeah I know their better and worse, and I accept them for it. What I really think that line is talking about is the future. Are you going to stick with that person for the better and worse that has yet to be revealed. That is what is tough.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Women deserve to know this from the get-go, as they deserve to know if you're straight, gay, have a prosthetic leg or vote republican. (Okay, that last one might just be me :))


On many levels, I totally agree with you, and think that the crossdressing should be disclosed immediately (like in an online dating profile.) However, you have to remember 99.99% of GGs will see "crossdressing" and immediately move on. It is like putting "I am an ex-con" in someone's resume when they are looking for a job, 99.99% of the time they will see it and immediately disqualify you because they find it disgusting and/or don't want to deal with all the problems that come with it. By disclosing after the first date but before a relationship becomes serious, it gives someone a chance to get their foot in the door and try to get to know them and increase the odds of not being rejected as opposed to telling them first thing.

Personally, I'd rather disclose EVERYTHING about myself 100% right from the beginning, I really am honest to a fault (as Old Lady used to tell me) and don't want any secrets. Unfortunately, when you are honest about everything from the beginning, the odds are extremely low someone will look beyond all that and be willing to know the whole you.

[Michelle55]

I was seperated in March 2005 from my then wife of 26 years. She surprised it on me by waking me up and telling me her friends were there to help her move.

I tried for a while to "work it out with her", but that just opened me up to greater financial abuse by her. After reflecting on the situation I decided I at least needed to see a counselor. I got lucky and found a counselor that worked very well for me and felt if she were doing her job, I should be well on my road to recovery within a few months.

Granted I did "work hard" at it and the fact that the Ex had become so nasty as the seperation progressed made it easier for me to "move on" and NO desire to reunite with her. I realized the Ex had been manipulating me for a long time and the only terms she would allow us back together would not be acceptable to anyone.

As happens most times, I lost most of the friends in the divorce too. So after a few months, I decided to cultivate "new friends". Since I live about an hour from where I attended High School, I decided to start with Classmates. My plan was to cultivate friends, not dating companions. I expected to eventually meet someone who is a friend of a friend of an friend and begin dating in months or even years.

It turned out a lady that sat behind me in Homeroom was the first to respond. We had dinner the next week and talked about our lives since 1973.

We got together a few more times and found we were well suited for each other.

I had already decided I would tell anyone that I would become serious with (to me you have to be somewhat serious to get involved sexually) that I was a CD. It was a surprise to her, but as it happens since she considers herself Bi, she kind of liked the idea.

We got married about a year later and are very happy together.

[Melissa_59]

Although I know if I put the CD part of me in the profile then I might as well put that I was a leper.

Well, we all know there are some women out there who are fine with CDs, and a very few who actively seek CDs as well. I'd put it in there! Why not? Think about it - you might not get as many responses, but at least the ones you'd get would be open to you. There would be no deception, no hiding - nothing. And the ones who are put out by it? Well, you wouldn't end up with a long term relationship with them ANYWAY unless you're either going to stop crossdressing or you're going to hide it from them. If you're up front, you never have to go through the "Oh gee do I tell them and when" sort of thing that so many people go through.

I'd go for honesty right off the bat and put it in there. You're sifting the sands for diamonds, remember? You want a real diamond and not just another cat dropping that someone buried. :D

~Mel

[Badwolf]

Hell I wish I knew stuff about girls I dated before I dated them as well. Finances in certain positions can also be life changing. So can a lot of issues that are much more "normal".

While I'm not saying that posting it up in public should be feared, but for those of us that make it a priority to keep it private posting it in public is just not a reality.

The bigger question is when has the relationship has gone too far?

[Alice Torn]

For what its worth, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, wh o i disagree with about a third of the time, says one year, after the divorce is final, to date again.

[Nadya]

Hell-o Stephanie, Its still hurting, of course, 5 months isn't a very long time.
Wanting to move on is great, but friendships/companionship are long term relationships.
Don't worry being the dishonest person some here would make you think you are, IMO if you don't
reveal at the get go, no big deal. Let your new friend meet YOU! Reveals can come later if things get serious.
Sorry it's so difficult, but If it were easy, everyone would do it!
Much Love,
Kristyn

I agree. If love is blind and all of that cliche stuff, not telling them about it upfront is OK. As someone that likely doesn't want to announce that kind of stuff in the dating scene because many people could use that as a means to troll you or worse, it's natural to not lay out all the cards at once. Likely, they should feel privileged that you opened up to them and trust them enough for this secret. I bet they would even understand why you waited to tell them. I wouldn't wait too long though, honesty and trust are the signs of any good relationship.

[Adriana Moretti]

I was never married...but it took me a year..at least to get over a gal i dated for 2 years...so i could imagine it taking some time...maybe not as long as a year..but some time...in the meantime though as cliche as it sounds..focus, on you...enjoy you, spoil you..take care of you...you now have all the freedom in the world...get comfortable standing alone and on your own two feet...be happy with you. Maybe make some cd friends, go out with them to dinner, or groups etc...have fun with your new freedom. Enjoy it.

[Lidea]

You're sifting the sands for diamonds, remember? You want a real diamond and not just another cat dropping that someone buried. :D

~Mel
I hope this doesnt imply that the ggs that dont support or prefer it, are seen as catdroppings... my husband knows well where I stand, and even though I might not be the brightest blue diamond found, I get the idea that he still sees me as a diamond of some degree...

Dont want to sound oversensitive, but was just wondering...

[Rogina B]

So why the heck do I feel guilty? I mean it’s been 5 months since the separation and the divorce is already final. It’s still hurting but I know I have to move on. deceiving. Although I know if I put the CD part of me in the profile then I might as well put that I was a leper. ( No offense meant to any lepers. Just an analogy). Why is life as a CD so darn difficult :sad: ( O.K., So that’s really two questions :doh: )
You need a "wake up slap" my friend! 5 months after 40 years amounts to about a minute and a half of life... Back in the day when you were a "prolific poster" here,you spilled a lot. You have had a lifetime of GD,why be in denial? After all,you were the head of your local TRIESS [?] group for years,went out and about as you pleased,etc..So Stephanie is a big part of you,and so why deny it? YOU ARE A GREAT CATCH!!! and you really do know that under your bruised ego. You are busy with your business,and so why waste time in finding female friends from the internet..Better to post a real profile and only get a few good responses,than a less than honest one that will bring you many,but few that may be accepting and even less that may be embracing of your female self. Costs too much in time to "sort em out"...Too bad you are "so straight" cause there are lots of girls on here that would enjoy being with you!

[Beverley Sims]

Stephanie,
As time passes so the wounds heal.

I also think you will find that pot of gold out there. :)