I am new here and I have a question?

[CDhusband-Coping2014]

I am new to this sight and I have a question to someone with more insight that myself. I love to wear womens underwear and I am having trouble expressing myself to my SO. How can question I get her to understand that it is not sexual and it is more about what I like and feel? Is this a legitimate question or am I way off the mark?

[GenieGirl]

The best and only advice I can give is to be honest with her and tell her your own reasons why. Its not the same for everyone, we all do what we do for different reasons :). I personally love wearing them because they are soft and comfy. Good luck.

[JustChris]

Be honest. Like I said earlier, I believe my life would have been much less stressful if I would have just opened up and said what was really on my mind other than suppressing it all of these years.

[Rachael Leigh]

Yes be honest for sure, I like you just like how they feel better than men's. It's true and it works so yes be honest

[Confucius]

You are right on the mark. First of all I hope you are able to talk to your SO about cross-dressing. You might tell her that you think there is more to cross-dressing than just a sexual fetish. For instance, why do the majority of cross-dressers report that they first started long before puberty, often as early as 4-7 years old? Surely they were NOT doing it for sexual gratification. Why is it that the prevalence of cross-dressing is high in male children with Asperger's? Why do cross-dressers say the condition persists into their old age? Sexual fetish, I don't think so. Why is it that Parkinson's patients who are given medication to increase their dopamine levels sometimes report cross-dressing as a side-effect? (Yes, when the medication is stopped the cross-dressing stops too.)

I believe that cross-dressing is a form of synesthesia, a crossing of the senses due to the way our brain is hard-wired. During your first three years your brain is producing neural connections at a feverish pace, about 700 - 1000 synaptic connections per second! You have more neural connections when you are 3 years old than at any point in your life. Then, largely through the learning process, we prune some connections while others are reinforced. That's all a biological fact. Then there are psychological considerations. During our first 3 years we are also making associations and learning. We may learn that women dress a certain way, or that there are two genders. We may crave the touch of our mothers, and become clingy, sensitive little kids. We may believe that girls have it better in life than boys, or that boys have greater pressures and stress placed upon them. Our neural connections are made between female articles and our contact with females. The final component needed to complete the cross-dresser condition is a trigger. Only when we have all three components; the biology, the psychology, and the trigger, does the brain interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female. The "contact with a female" response causes the brain to release a host of neurotransmitters; dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and others, which produce the sensations of well-being, comfort, pleasure, gratification, and bonding. The "contact with a female" responses also forces the cross-dresser to either internalize or externalize the experience. If they internaling, they believe the female they contact is within themselves. If they externalize the contact with female then they do NOT see themselves as female, but rather just feel confused, by some mysterious and unidentifiable female. This accounts for much of the variation found in cross-dressers themselves. In any case, cross-dressing just makes us happy.

Of course, there is a sexual component to cross-dressing, it is caused by testosterone. Once we reach puberty and testosterone levels shoot up, then the "contact with a female" response will be highly stimulating. It is possible for young cross-dressers to use cross-dressing as a fetish, as using objects as a substitute for their need for human intimacy. However if these people, people who use cross-dressing as a fetish, find a sexual partner who satisfies their sexual urges, they will still be cross-dressers. Even if they get old and their testosterone levels wane, they will still be cross-dressers. The sexual component is a part of cross-dressing, but cross-dressing should not be defined solely as a fetish.

[Donnagirl]

Communication, honest communication is the key. Talk, talk, talk some more. Be honest no matter how embarrassing it may be... Talk, talk and talk but be sure to listen and listen even more.

There is no easy solution, no panacea. It will take understanding, education, compromise and love. I have recently suffered this trial of a thousand cuts. Dragged my poor SO along. Listen to the GG's here and try to understand their pain, their suffering, their sacrifice.

We may not be in control but we never even offered the suggestion we would impose so much on the relationship. Your SO has endeavoured to learn. Do the same. Understand yourself then express yourself.

Keep us posted. We are here to help, to assist, to be that shoulder to cry on if needed. Use the lovely folk here for their advice, experience and councel. They saved me......

[Beverley Sims]

Do not question her per se, just be honest and tell her your feelings.

[Tracii G]

What Beverley said just be honest about it.
No need to make up some big lie, she will appreciate hearing the truth.

[Aubrey]

Are you able to explain it to yourself? Absolutely be honest with yourself and say it out loud. When you are able to articulate it that way, you will be better prepared to explain it to someone else.

[Frédérique]

I am new to this sight and I have a question to someone with more insight that myself. I love to wear womens underwear and I am having trouble expressing myself to my SO. How can question I get her to understand that it is not sexual and it is more about what I like and feel? Is this a legitimate question or am I way off the mark?

It’s hard to explain, since everyone, especially so-called “experts” who have never dressed, ASSUME that you’re into sexual depravity. I would feel like saying that my femme stuff “Makes me feel mighty REAL,” but that profound exhortation would fall on deaf ears…

Imagine being a man dressing as a woman and not having the faintest sexual urge! It happens – I’m living proof of that, and I’m not alone. I can’t insult the clothes, also known as my precious fetishistic (healing) objects. Your question IS legitimate, BTW…
:straightface:

[kimdl93]

Wow, my apologies. I got a post by your so confused with another GG...I won't bother explaining how I got them confused....but I profusely apologize form my mistake..My response was not appropriate for your situation ....the point, you have a legitimate question. The answer is that both of you are here and seeking answers, but maybe you should consider a joint session with a competent gender therapist. That way, both of you can participate in an informed exploration of your gender identity issues.

[Wanna be Heather]

Just slowly. The most important thing is to assure her that she is not losing her man.

[Badwolf]

There is no way for you to definitely make her understand anything. That part is up to her. When you tell her you create the potential for her to surprise you, both with the positive and the negative.

Let her have her limits, and space with the subject as long as she needs it while she "adjusts", but that's the best advice I can give you on how to create one of the better potential outcomes.

[Wanna be Heather]

Just start talking about it as a normal thing for some men to want to dress, and gauge her reaction. You should know when to pursue the conversation and when you stop. Few drinks will melt the ice and create receptive reaction. Kisses

[Nyla F]

Chrissy's answer is spot on. Be honest with yourself first. It's harder than it sounds.

[AnnieMac]

Gee, Confucius . . . All that huh? And I just thought I liked pink and panties.

[Christen]

Maybe the question for yourself is what is it you like and feel? I certainly agree, you have to be able to articulate it to be able to explain it. I think there might be a lot of introspection needed to grasp what has got you here. And talking it through with a suitable counsellor / therapist might be a good thing. Over time I saw three counsellors about crossdressing, I learnt a bit about myself and accepting a certain side of myself that helped me be more 'in the moment' and attentive to my partner needs, while meeting mine as well.

I've not got any answers about why we do this, but one thing I know is in some cases it can be best to keep the dressing bit to private moments, me time. Not the best, but the best for my situation.
And have a think from her angle about, 'Honey, I want to wear women's underwear as much as I can, but it's not sexual in any way'. Does not compute.
Sorry, don't want to sound mean but I get that GG's are not in awe of this, generally.

One thing I did learn over time was that the better I feel about myself, the better I can manage life. I buy good clothes, I dress well, I take fashion advice. There are clothes, underwear, socks for guys that are made from beautiful materials, that feel great to wear. Try bringing a bit of that in to your wardrobe.

I love dressing up, going the whole nine yards, it's weird and silly but I do and it's not something that just came upon me. It's been there for as long as I can remember but I don't want it to ruin anyones life, so I've learnt to manage it as best I can. I'm sure you will too.

Best of luck,

C

[Kelly DeWinter]

There are people who love to wear different things for all kinds of reasons. I've known men to wear ball caps year round every time they go outside. I worked with a woman once who wore stilettos all the time, and she was 67 ! Just have a talk with her ...... but be prepared it could turn out any number of ways.

Confusious - you may be confused . Crossdressing as "cross-dressing is a form of synesthesia", for fetish crossdressers maybe, but as the posts here show, more people cross dress as an expression of their feminine identity.

[devida]

Is that it? You just like wearing panties? Or is it more than that? Do you wear bras, nighties, stockings, camisoles like I do? There are really a lot of men who just wear panties who really are not having any issues with their gender identity as males. Those are the men who realized that most men's underwear is very uncomfortable, particularly if you have any sensation below, say, the neck.

If you just wear panties because you prefer they way they feel, tell your SO you cannot stand the way men's underwear feels and if she does not understand ask her to wear some for a month or two.

If that is not the reason you wear women's underwear, well, I guess you asked in the right place.

[MonctonGirl]

When she's in her undies, you just tell her that women are lucky because
their underwear looks much more comfortable - the materials, etc.
and that you wish "you" could wear stuff like that.

See where that goes ... and you'll see if there is a trainwreck ahead or she suggests buying some for you. :)

[MelanieAnne]

Here's another take on it. Most womens clothes are designed and intended to stimulate or attract men. Especially lingerie, high heels, stockings, lacy bras and pantys, which is what most crossdressers prefer. And most men are attracted and stimulated by the aforementioned clothing. So the argument can be made that actually putting them on and wearing them is just carrying it a step further. Men are curious and want to see what womens clothes feel like. And for every crossdresser, there are probably many more men who think about it, but can't bring themselves to actually wear womens clothes for various reasons.