Coming out to the Alpha Males

[Suzanne F]

Many of you know that I am in the process of trying to live as the authentic me. My wife and children have accepted me as Suzanne. I have come out to many friends. Many of them have seen me as a woman. Last week I came out to several friends back in Kentucky that I had been close to for several years.

Tuesday night was the biggest test yet. I have 2 golf buddies that I have been close to for about 5 years. They are a little conservative and can be insensitive to other lifestyles. They know that I am a liberal and am for equal rights or all people. We banter sometimes about issues but I love these guys. They have always treated me well and I respect their right to disagree with me on issues. I have never seen them treat any person negatively.

So I knew I had to tell them before they found out from someone else. I was so apprehensive about their reaction. They represent the group that I never wanted to face with the truth that I really am a girl inside. I always made sure to compete and win against this group. I always masked my fear with bravado. It simply scared me to tell them. I also didn't want to hurt them.
I drove over to my friend's house where I had asked both of them to meet me. Ironically, they called this the man cave.

I came in and told them that I was transgendered and explained what had been going on for the last year and a half. I told them I would be increasingly living my life as a woman. They were shocked. At first I had to do all of the talking. They warmed up and began asking questions. They asked about my wife, was I bi and would I fully transition. I explained that my wife and I were trying to work through this and I didn't know yet how far I would go with transition. They asked excellent questions which I tried to answer honestly.

One friend was adamant about how bad I must look. However they didn't want to see my picture. I have to admit I wanted to prove I didn't look that bad but didn't get that chance. I said no problem they didn't have to see me until they were ready but at some point I would be Suzanne most of my non work time. They said ok.

They hugged me and said they loved me no matter what . One friend was very complimentary of how much courage this all must take. In the end they said I was a great person and that was all that mattered to them.

I feel lighter today. The world did not end.
I know there are many more challenges ahead. I want to sit back and appreciate that I met a big one with courage and grace. I couldn't have done that if not for my girl friends from this forum.
Allie, Rachael, Miki,Debbie and Isha come to mind. There are others too so sorry if I missed you!

[mikiSJ]

Isn't it strange how we are fearful of coming out and when we do we are still welcome as friends/family/co-workers. I am glad you took that step and your friends acceptance was positive. The big question now - are you going to have to use the red tees?

You are aware of my coming out three weeks ago to a previous business associate/family member. It was one of those 'why did I wait so long' situations. We can't trust that everyone will accept us but while we do hope for acceptance, every little step we take like you did with your golf buddies, or me with a family member, get's us a bit closer to accepting ourselves - and that may be the better story.

[Beverley Sims]

Suzanne,
I wish you well for the future and friends are usually understanding.

[sometimes_miss]

First, Suzanne, congratulations on moving forward, and I hope your luck with your family and friends continues. However:

Isn't it strange how we are fearful of coming out and when we do we are still welcome as friends/family/co-workers.
And it's not strange at all when we find out the reverse, and those family and friends disappear from our lives. Not every story has a happy ending like Suzanne's.

[Dana M]

Congratulation Suzanne.

[Christen]

Good for you, Suzanne. You obviously have great friends, that says a lot about you.

Christen x

[stefan37]

While it may be true we may lose friends and family. My experience with my transition and those of my friends is we really haven't lost anywhere close to our fears. Transitioning and going public is a truly liberating experience. While sad it is worth every loss to be authentic.

[kimdl93]

Major guts there, Suzanne! And it turns out you have a couple of good friends there too!

[KellyJameson]

Is'nt it amazing how being genuine makes you feel lighter from not carrying around the burden of living contrary to yourself.

I have never had many male friends but the ones I did were and are always alpha males.

I prefer men like this because they are less complicated but they also can be black and white in their view of the world.

There will come a point where they will see you as a woman but remember you as a man and this is where you could lose them as friends if they become conflicted.

Hearing your words will not have the same impact as seeing you as a woman.

There is also their status among men and some men fear a drop in social status by being seen with a transsexual woman and worrying that others may think they are "homosexual" or that they are transsexual.

Male identity is often tenuous because it is built mainly out of performance so requires an audience and this makes them vulnerable to threats to their identity as feeling emasculated.

Male identity is largely about "Not being a woman" and this is where many of the problems come from.

For many men a transsexual is someone who rejected masculinity because they could not cut it as a man so is a failure for going over to the womans side.

I was able to keep most of my male friends by giving them "man space". They always knew I was different but for them they assumed I must be gay and just not admitting it so were not exactly shocked by my words.

They were all accepting at first but than they oh so gently tried to talk me out of it as it became real for them.

What I realized is that the words did not actually convey the meaning but seeing a woman certainly did and it was emotionally jolting for them.

I found myself protecting them from me as giving them space and I stopped seeing them in groups "as one of the guys" which was always painful for me anyway.

I let go of the friendships emotionally but maintained them but as a woman would.

The friendships changed completely in that we are not as close in some ways but yet are closer in other ways. Very difficult to explain but in my opinion inevitable.

In my opinion to keep these types of relationships you must allow them to be completely redefined partly by giving them space and most importantly giving them permission to protect their masculine image and identity by how they now fit you into their lives.

[mikiSJ]

And it's not strange at all when we find out the reverse, and those family and friends disappear from our lives. Not every story has a happy ending like Suzanne's.

I prefer the risk that Suzanne has taken to those who hold back their real selves because of possible rejection. I would prefer the loss of a family member or friend to having to tiptoe around their sensibilities with the false hope that I will be okay if I simply hide.

[Badtranny]

I prefer the risk that Suzanne has taken to those who hold back their real selves because of possible rejection. I would prefer the loss of a family member or friend to having to tiptoe around their sensibilities with the false hope that I will be okay if I simply hide.

yes, when I was ready to accept myself, I was also ready to come out, and by that time, I had no ****s left to give.

Congratulations Suzanne, this one revolutionary act will precede many more like it, and each one will make you lighter still until you have truly become free. (and light in your loafers)

[PretzelGirl]

Good for you Suzanne! I agree with the above too. First, friends accept you more when you are real and own who you are IMO. If they reject you, then you are better off being able to move on. I am just going right at them and have great results so far. Of course I picked them out in the first place, so I hope I did a good job and you obviously have.

Now the big question, will they have a problem with you hitting off of different tees? :D

[Suzanne F]

They said when i begin taking hormones I can hit from the red tees!
Suzanne

[Rachel Smith]

Congrats Suzanne. A lot of the things we do as we transition take an amount of bravery we didn't know was in us, IMHO.