I want to come out to someone... candidates?

[SusanaO]

No one I know knows I love dressing up as a woman, and reading some of your stories has inspired me to share this with someone.

I have thought of a few people to come out to, with both pros and cons:

1. My sister

Pros: We were roommates for a few years and got close, we know some of our deepest secrets, she was actually the first GG who wanted to put makeup on me. She always wanted a sister, and she can meet the woman inside her asshole brother.
Cons: She's also very close to my mother, and probably would tell her even though my mother would not mention it to me. Even though I believe my sister would be accepting, she's far too busy to want to set up a play date with THE SISTER SHE NEVER HAD.

2. One of my GG friends (one from my GG's want to dress me up thread)

Pros: She's perhaps my closest GG friend, and the most loving girl I know. So sweet and understanding of everything, and she's the type of person I can tell anything to. Ideally she'd be the one, but...
Cons: She's also best friends with my ex, whom I'm still crushing over, and I'm sure she'd tell her (we're friends currently). I fear if my ex were to find out it would be like coming out to a SO before she is indeed a SO. Seems complicated to me, and I'm not sure she wants to date a guy who likes to let his inner girl loose sometimes. It's bad enough for her I was the girl in the relationship when we dated.

3. Middle school friend

Pros: She's pansexual and probably suspects I'm not the traditional type of guy. She knows the story of me having a one night stand after a costume party where I slept with a girl dressed as a girl, and enjoyed it. She also knows how open I am about sexuality. She's also married to an open CD...

Cons: It's a no-brainer to tell her, but I'm not exactly sure what I'd get out of it, as she moved to another state and our little socializing is through Facebook. I suppose it would be nice to get it off my chest and seek her advice, but I would like a friend whom I can socialize with in person.

[Adriana Moretti]

gg friend is a great choice...and if they run...find another...but she wont...sister is good too i told mine..and im still alive....got any gay friends????...and your choice c is a girl too so...your pretty much batting 1000 with all of them.

[Donnagirl]

My call... Go for it... I let the last of my old team know on Friday. Most did not even bat an eyelid. I think my old boss was a little surprised. She and I worked very closely on some highly classified jobs and she really only saw the macho side of me. Not sure she has fully processed it yet but there is to be a housewarming party for one of the team soon and consensus is that I'm to 'frock up'. I'm interested to see her reaction then.

So far I have not had a single negative comment, not lost a single friend or even heard a bad word. Perhaps it's that I've chosen my audience and timing well, I mean it's not that I'm going to post a photo spread on Facebook!!! Just be prepared in case there are any adverse reactions.

Good luck....

Hugs,

Donna

[Katey888]

Susana - for sure I'll be the voice of the minority here... :) but...

I'm sure you realise but you don't have to tell anyone unless you believe you really have to or want to, and the timing's right, and you're really prepared to deal with all of the potential consequences - good or bad - that may fall out of revealing, and once that cat is out of the bag, ain't no way that critter is going back in for anyone...

I have not told anyone - and I also feel that subtle pressure and desire that comes from reading so many positive experiences here... but there are negative stories also... I suspect they tend to be in the minority because folk are less likely to want to be open about a bad experience than a good one... just my view on the Big Reveal - everyone is an individual and has a different set of motivators and needs determining whether or not they need to share, and I respect you will have yours too... :hugs:

If you do decide to tell all, sounds like you've thought through some good ones to start with... :) Your final friend may be a good and safe choice to begin as even being distant, there is a lot that can be shared over social networks - just be careful what you put on Facebook! (which is the digital spawn of the Devil, imho... ;))

Take care - think about what you're doing and be prepared for any and all consequences, and good luck!

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

Just a thought Hon. You know you are sharing it with us which is indeed a huge audience. :battingeyelashes::)

[bridget thronton]

Telling someone before they discover your secret on their own let's you control the message (but also drags them into your closet). Any of these ladies seems good confidantes (only you know if they can be trusted not to share)

[Erica Thorn]

I would say that your GG friend sounds like the best option if you really want to "come out" to her. I don't think it's so bad if your ex get's to know it, she might already be suspecting it from your old relationship and reading your other post... she might like it to! :D

[Beverley Sims]

I would play it safe and go for two.

Let her dress you up a bit first.

You really won't have to tell her as she is part of the scheme anyway.

See how that unfolds before you do anything that you might regret.

[devida]

I think you should tell them all but then I also don't think it is a big deal to want to present as a gender other than the one assigned to you at birth for as long as you want or for any reason you want.

Is there some real danger in telling everyone you are close to that you like wearing women's clothes and you like dressing up and presenting in a feminine way from time to time? Will you lose your job, suffer the unbearable opprobrium of your colleagues and/or fellow workers, be disinherited or ceremoniously exiled from your family or tribe? Will your local gender police come knocking on your door and maybe give you a citation, or just beat you up? Will you be stoned to death? This sounds flippant but it isn't. All these are things that have happened or threatened to happen to people on this forum.

If your answer is no to the above questions, what exactly is the reason you don't tell all the lovely people you mention, including your mother and your ex?

I believe you live in a state that actually has legislation granting you human rights as a transgender person (which means, before you get your panties in a twist, simply that you present as a gender other than that assigned at birth).

The only question I have had from anyone who I came out to was whether I wanted to transition. Otherwise everyone has been congratulatory. So now, right after I say I've decided to identify as transgender, I tell them that I don't want to transition I just don't feel comfortable presenting as male. And, being trans has really expanded my social group and helped to move me towards people who are much, much more interesting.

Now I don't feel comfortable presenting as male anytime but that's not really relevant.

I am in a bit of a minority on this forum but I think pretty much everyone would agree if you don't think it will cause harm to yourself and to others, why not be honest and up front about what you like? Why stay in the closet unless you have a good reason to be there? From your description it does not really sound like you do.

[Wildaboutheels]

3 FACTS. Most folks CLAIM to be open minded but few actually are. 2] Very few folks can or will keep a secret. 3] Even open minded people are likely to have a thing or two they just "don't get".

I'll throw in a bonus. No one can read minds which means it's NOT POSSIBLE to know who will accept and who won't. There are multiple threads to back this up.

Telling anyone is a risk.

[kimdl93]

I'm not nearly as pessimistic as wild, above, but I think the desire to come out should be because you need to be honest and open with someone. It should not be because you want to experience some kind of thrill. Ask yourself why you Need to tell either or any of these people.

[Katy120]

I would echo Kim's thoughts. You didn't really supply the rationale that is prompting this decision to tell someone. What do you hope to achieve? Keeping one's private life private can be a burden, but it also affords a valuable commodity, privacy. Don't throw your privacy away on a whim. Once you have clearly defined to your own satisfaction your reason(s) you wish to tell someone, the choice of that individual may become more clear to you.

I wish you well whatever decision you make.

Cheers, Katy

[Connie.Marie]

SusanaO,
I'm going to suggest #4
You are in SoCal & there are MANY ladies like us there. Find a GNO group & go out with them.
If nothing else it would be great practice & a confidence builder.
Once you've been out with them awhile, then decide if you want to start mixing the 2 sides of yourself.

Hugs, Connie Marie

[stephNE]

Hi Susana, I share some of the same thoughts. My wife knows I dress, and occasionally goes out with "Steph". I am a member of a couple meet up groups, and I have some CD friends, but only my wife knows both the boy and girl side. I would like to come out to someone else too, and we have gone as far as to make a list of a couple people with who we would consider sharing the secret. But my wife has always said not yet, however, last weekend, when one of these special friends was over, my wife said we may need to consider telling her. So my future looks to have some interesting things on the horizon. Good luck, and keep us posted.

[Amanda L.]

I guess once you accept yourself for this side of your persona you feel like shouting it from the roof tops (that's how I feel anyway) but that might be the "I don't give a damn" girly side talking. I see "coming out" as a staged process and how far one goes depends on how strategic the plan is for the 'Big Reveal'.
My first step was to be honest with myself and admit that I am a cross dresser and have a feminine need. The next step was to join this Forum. Here I can express my thoughts and desires in complete honesty amongst non judgemental peers.
Next I made some friends who have been an enormous help. I have had Facetime talks and revealed both my female and male self. I have become comfortable with opening up to like minded people.
My next step will be to meet CD friends in a public setting and enjoy their company as Amanda.
While this all seems like I am Coming Out, what I believe I am doing is only sharing this CD side of me with people who understand and feel I can trust. What I am not doing is revealing this side to family and work college's, the people I live my day to day life with.
Donnagirl has taken the step towards completely coming out. This means no longer hiding behind the secret and now being free to embrace that side of her character. I am not that brave or confident in the outcome. So what I do at the moment is a calculated risk to provide me with some release of the pressure building up to Come Out whilst still offering some protection. From this front I completely agree with Katey's post (always wise and thoughtful....thanks Katey. You sound similar as you mention your sister telling your mother and your GG friend telling your ex.
Sometimes the head and the heart conflict with each other.
Amanda

[Badwolf]

#3 as you said is a no brainer. What you gain is someone who knows you personally who now knows. You never know how people will react unless you give them the chance to surprise you. She may surprise you with advice on how to navigate some stuff even within your state.

#1 Your sister and your mom will love you no matter what. Parents when theres other emotions involved may push you away, but especially IF your mom is going to find out any way - it might as well be with your sister on your side.

2. Relationships are hard especially when there's an unrequited love. Now there's a few things here. While most of us take the safe route in not elling our love interests, mostly to not limit our pool, this assumes we're going to tell them hopefully before they are EX's. Your in a different position so make sure you understand the intent of the advice we give since it appears to really be the opposite of what you want to do. If this friend is as open minded she may really be your best support, and your EX, if she can't accept it, it only reinforces why she's already your EX in the first place. My worry here is that her sweet/loving side may not really fall in the open minded side of things, and your EX's reaction may effect your relationship with this friend.

#4 You didn't mention her, but your EX is a whole mother subject I really feel like discussing which I only touched on in the last point. Without knowing who she is, or anything about her, or even how you broke up it's hard for me to give you specific advice on what to do. But with that grain of salt on the table, try to be honest with whoever you have a real interest with. The strongest bonds for relationships are based on communication and trust. It's part of why most GG's that end up in relationships with us without knowing are always distraught on finding out. If you're sure she's a great option your best option (especially since you've already broken up once), might be to approach the situation with all the cards on the table, since it will make sure that even if you can get back together, you remove the point from coming up later. If privacy is a concern this might be your worst option, since at least from my anecdotal experience, the people most willing to spill the beans have been my ex's. Only one of which was cruel enough to do so (but mostly to her friends that were in another state so I don't see it as a big setback).


No one I know knows I love dressing up as a woman, and reading some of your stories has inspired me to share this with someone.

I have thought of a few people to come out to, with both pros and cons:

1. My sister

Pros: We were roommates for a few years and got close, we know some of our deepest secrets, she was actually the first GG who wanted to put makeup on me. She always wanted a sister, and she can meet the woman inside her asshole brother.
Cons: She's also very close to my mother, and probably would tell her even though my mother would not mention it to me. Even though I believe my sister would be accepting, she's far too busy to want to set up a play date with THE SISTER SHE NEVER HAD.

2. One of my GG friends (one from my GG's want to dress me up thread)

Pros: She's perhaps my closest GG friend, and the most loving girl I know. So sweet and understanding of everything, and she's the type of person I can tell anything to. Ideally she'd be the one, but...
Cons: She's also best friends with my ex, whom I'm still crushing over, and I'm sure she'd tell her (we're friends currently). I fear if my ex were to find out it would be like coming out to a SO before she is indeed a SO. Seems complicated to me, and I'm not sure she wants to date a guy who likes to let his inner girl loose sometimes. It's bad enough for her I was the girl in the relationship when we dated.

3. Middle school friend

Pros: She's pansexual and probably suspects I'm not the traditional type of guy. She knows the story of me having a one night stand after a costume party where I slept with a girl dressed as a girl, and enjoyed it. She also knows how open I am about sexuality. She's also married to an open CD...

Cons: It's a no-brainer to tell her, but I'm not exactly sure what I'd get out of it, as she moved to another state and our little socializing is through Facebook. I suppose it would be nice to get it off my chest and seek her advice, but I would like a friend whom I can socialize with in person.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Susana, I would say the girlfriend you can always get another girlfriend bit you cant get another sister.

[docrobbysherry]

Unless u r planning to come out, go out dressed as a woman, or physically change your appearance in ways that mite out u, don't tell anyone unless u have to! :straightface:

Make it on a "need to know" basis. Because once u tell someone u can NEVER get the toothpaste back in the tube!:doh:

If you're trans, tell your friends and family because some day u must. But, if you're a CD, ask yourself WHY u wish to burden them with info about your "weird hobby"!?:eek:

[Eryn]

My advice on this is to only tell someone else if it will improve their situation or if you must tell them out of necessity.

You're playing with your life here, remember!

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Whatever you do, always remember that having someone guard a secret for you could also become a burden for them. They may then find a need to relieve themselves by telling another. I said in another post as has been mentioned here, only on a need to know basis. I have a couple GG friends that I confided in a couple years ago. As far as I know they are protecting me. I can tell by their behavior. Another GG turned out to be only a smilig face and I'm not so sure if she outed me. Her i really don't care about. She lives way out of state and never had a good reputation due to her personality. My real friends would probably consider her to just be a vindictive gossipy b****. Overall, I think GG's are more emphatetic to talk with. I also think guy friends might feel somehow threatened about their masculinity.

Cheryl

[Sallee]

go ahead and tell #3. Your sister sounds #1 good to. It will be real hard telling them but I bet they both will be accepting and follow your wishes of Don't tell if you ask them too.
Actually I think any one of them or all three would be fine Once you tell one you'll see it is no problem and a very uplifting experience. But the first time HARD!

[KiwiKate]

Good advice from some of the girls on maybe not sharing but I can understand why you would want to.I told my sister and it felt pretty good unloading.She could see it was something huge I was trying to tell her and I was struggling to get it out so she actually told me a secret about herself first to make me feel better ! So your sister could be a good choice.Good luck.

[LelaK]

It seems that all of the good advice that can be given has already been given here, so I'll give some bad advice. Make a list of all of the people you know, I mean the top 50 people you know best, and put each name on a separate piece of paper, put all the papers in a hat, stir them up, pick one of them without looking, then see whose name you draw and tell that person. If you have a bit of a gambling nature, you might get a rush from the experience. I don't gamble much with money myself, but I gamble that my jokes won't be taken wrong. Is that so bad?

[HelenR2]

I'd tell them all, around the same time.

[Eringirl]

Hi Susana:
The first person I told was a therapist. She specializes in CD/TG/TS clients and confidentiality is not an issue. I am planning on coming out to a male friend of mine when I visit his city in October. He is a very caring, smart, gentle soul, in a committed relationship with guy who is also awesome, and we both have a "everything is confidential unless otherwise stated" policy, so I am not concerned at all.

Let us know what you choose to do! Good luck.

Hugs,

Erin

[CostaRicaRachel]

Well, the only advice I have is be careful. because it may change the your relationship with that person.

To make a long story short, there is a married couple that are very close friends of mine. I them about
my situation. The were very accepting and understanding of the turmoil I am going thru. But now, whenever I see
them, we talk and do things but there always seems to be this elephant in the room.

[Annaliese]

I would go with sister, who know you might have a girls, day out with mom and sis. the third on also, if you are just looking for some one to tell then she would be great, stay away from your friend that know your ex that' trouble