Truely Happy?

[spirit]

Hi,

One thing I was wondering is the suggestion that dressing makes you really happy! It seems in fact to cause so much trauma to so many, apart from the conflict with your SO I think the conflicts within yourself can be far greater, (am I wrong?) how do you get a partner/husband to accept himself for who he is, then maybe I cant try to move forward in a more positive way and all this will not be a huge wedge between us. In 31 years of marriage we had never contemplated splitting, in the last year we have been at crunch point 3 times! Getting tired of.....what next.

[hope springs]

Hi spirit, its great to hear from you again. After your first post i was really hoping you would continue your journey with us.
How do you get your husband to accept this part of himself? Your correct it can be traumatic for everyone else. But dressing does make me happy. As soon as i realized it, i owned it 100%. Life is far too short to let yourself be mired in guilt and shame. If he truly feels dressing is for him, then i would suggest the following: while dressed have him stand in front of a mirror and say to himself "this is part of me, and its ok . I will not be embarrased or ashamed". Or some other postive mantra. His guilt may stem from the generation he came from not accepting this kind of stuff. The guilt may also come from knowing he has hurt you. These are both huge hurdles.
My wife is generally accepting and ive been very open about my motivations and goals concerning dressing. An open dialogue with him is essential.
As to the " what next" concern, you both decide that. You and your husband are not a ship embattled in a storm. You are the captain's of your destiny. Chin up, shoulders foward. Something tells me your tougher than you give yourself credit for. Put your foot in his ass and tell him to own it so you guys can move forward

[devida]

I am so sorry to hear that your partner/husband's conflict is causing problems in your relationship. Many men have serious psychological conflict when they confront their own gender variant behavior. What is hard to understand is that the conflict comes not from the cross dressing itself but from the discomfort with presenting as a male all the time that leads to cross dressing. The cross dressing is the solution to the problem. This is why so many cross dressers report being happy when they are dressed and experience cross dressing as a form of stress relief. This is also why stopping the behavior - the cross dressing - does not diminish the conflict, and often will make it worse. But it is very hard for some men to understand themselves enough to realize this. I think if this issue is causing problems your partner really needs to get some counseling by a qualified gender counselor. You have considerable leverage here, especially since your goal is helping him to accept himself, not to ban the cross dressing. He needs to be discussing his feelings in places like this forum and with a counselor. The process he is going through should be one of self discovery. This is a process that really does lead to happiness and emotional health, but he may be sabotaging himself and preventing his own peace of mind. Persuade him to get help.

[Jaclyn]

Hello spirit
I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help you but I don't. I battle with acceptance myself. I'm happiest when I'm dressed and do OK most of the time when I'm not. But when I'm around family and friends I start feeling shame, self hate and get really depressed. I struggle with acceptance a lot and this is the part that hurts my wife. She wants me to be happy and tells my to just be me, all the time. She is so great and supporting!! I hate all that I put her through and wish I could just be happy so that we could move on.
Well this ain't much help, other than just know that you and your husband aren't alone.

Jackie

[Sandra]

how do you get a partner/husband to accept himself for who he is,

A lot of cders really struggle with accepting themselves, they feel guilty and some wish it wasn't happening. As an SO. talk with him let him know you are there for him, maybe try and suggest some counselling. I don't want to worry you but it took my SO quite a few years to accept that she was TS, not that I'm saying your SO is TS but it could take a while for him to accept who he is.

[RuthWilson]

I battle with acceptance myself. I'm happiest when I'm dressed and do OK most of the time when I'm not. But when I'm around family and friends I start feeling shame, self hate and get really depressed.

You have summed this up beautifully. Loathing and self disgust sometimes if I am really down.
My doesn't and won't ever know. Don't think she could cope with it, or me either.RuthX

[spirit]

It saddens me that you all too have been in such turmoil, your right in saying life is short and we all deserve to be happy, to be honest I do try to put this all into perspective , the usual, it isn't hurting anyone, I understand where that comes from but it is the emotional part of any relationship that needs to stay strong, this is playing with our emotions I think pulling them in 2 different directions, his need to dress and lack of honesty to me and himself, he will say that isn't so, my I think 'jellousy' and frustration of not knowing whats really going to happen. yes I do resent 'her'. She wears silly frilly dresses that I couldn't possibly wear hopefully that wont last, I could live better I think with normal dressing, not so sexual I guess I mean.

[Princess Grandpa]

I lived most of my life in deep denial. Not truly understanding what these urges were. Last year I had an epiphany and I suddenly understood I was a cross dresser. My initial reaction was to dive back into denial. I stopped and thought about it a moment. It occurred to me, I have friends (acquaintances really) who are transsexual. I have no trouble accepting them for who they are. If my son came forward and told me he was transgendered, I would love and support him through it. If I can accept it in strangers, friends, and loved ones, I have to accept myself as well. I deserve to live my life as I need just like everyone else. I still struggle with embarrassment but there's no shame. I really like who I have become.

I hope your husband finds peace with who he is.

Hug
Rita

[Jenniferathome]

Spirit, couples therapy is a must for you. Given you state that you have reached crunch time three times, you two can not figure this out alone. A therapist or counselor acts as an objective source to help you actually talk about the hard things without emotion ruling the day. Please try.

[Valerie]

Dear Spirit (lovely name),
As Jackie, many of us will be happy at times and conflicted at others--our society in general is not precisely accepting us, only tolerating, and it is difficult not to interiorize that. But do take a look at the different threads with photographs of people not dressed and dressed, and see when they look happier!
Valerie

[hope springs]

The frilly dress part may be just a phase. There is a subset of crossdressing called "sissies" who try and achieve a hyper feminine state with overly frilly things and the idea to be submissive and do things like be maids or other stereotypical female activities. The sissy genre sounds more fetish to me, but who knows. The question in my head is what does he gain by dressing? Does he have gender dysphoria, is it purely sexual, does he desire to be accepted as a woman while dressed?
In many there is a tendency to dress by hyper feminine at first. Then they realize they can be just as happy in casual attire. This thing tends to evolve.
What helped me move through the frilly stag stage rapidly was reading books on feminist issues. To try and truly understand the problems women face. To empathize instead of poorly mimic.
For me, here is the logic: if i truly want to embrace what it is to be a women then look at whats in their head, not their closet. Women are socially conditioned every bit as much as men. Look at that conditioning along with the unique problems of womanhood. A sexy camisole is nice. But being alone in a parking garage at night may be more insightful to a woman's headspace.
In short, i read alot about gender, gender roles and social conditioning. In doing so i realized the dress is almost irrelevant to me feeling feminine. Its a fashion construct, designed to accentuate features. Thats it.
Spirit, its fine to resent "her". For now, "her" is the problem. Your feelings are as equally valid as his. Frustration borne of the fear of the unknown. I get that too. I guess remind yourself this is a marathon, not a race. His acceptance and expression of this part of himself will slowly evolve. Probably to more appropriate attire if nothing else. Suggest some "normal" girl clothes and see if he goes for it.
Any chance we could get him to write a letter and you post it here? Or even he posts here? What his motivations for dressing are is critical to being able to help you through this. His emotional state while dressed and his feelings after dressing are important to. If i understood his internal motivators it could be useful to put this on more solid footing. Lacking his input, id suggest some counseling for him if he truly struggles with his femme side

[LelaK]

Spirit: my [] 'jellousy' and frustration of not knowing whats really going to happen.
yes I do resent 'her'.
She wears silly frilly dresses that I couldn't possibly wear
- hopefully that wont last,
- I could live better I think with normal dressing,
- not so sexual I guess I mean.

"She" sounds like me. I love short, frilly, sexy dresses. Unpleasant emotions, jealousy, frustration, resentment, generally indicate misconceptions from early childhood traumas, fear of being alone, unloved. If you can realize that you're not in danger of being alone and unloved, such feelings can diminish or disappear quite quickly. It may not be healthy to want to control someone else's self-presentation, but it's healthy to talk about likes and dislikes and seek to please each other most of the time. Right?

[Beverley Sims]

Dressing does have it's pitfalls and you do have to learn how to deal with the trauma.
Truly happy?
Maybe. :)

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes it takes a lot of work to be happy but the results are most often worth the effort. In the end I believe we make our own happiness.:)

[Katey888]

Spirit,

I don't think we pursue dressing in order to find happiness - we are driven to do this apparently insane thing because it stops us being miserable, and all that varies greatly between individuals is the degree of time spent dressed, the nature of the dressing itself and the frequency...

If I could just discard this absurd condition and make model ships or planes or collect stamps, play golf... anything else, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Probably like others I can't adequately explain why it just seems so right to do it... but it does, and the feeling of harmony and satisfaction is indescribable...

But no frilly dresses for me... (well, perhaps the odd skirt with frills... ;))

I'd concur with others here - good counselling will help you both understand some options for moving forward together... :hugs:

Katey x

[Wildaboutheels]

"It saddens me that you all too have been in such turmoil",

It's a mistake to think everyone here is tormented and or troubled or feels guilty or ashamed.

"Generally he dresses about once a month on average"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ And he take lots of pictures.

He is obviously [like 99% of the CDers on the planet ADDICTED] because of all the Os.

YOU must be addicted to something at your age? [fiftyish or older] Cigarettes? Alcohol? Painkillers? Pot?

Your hands are tied at this site until you reach 10 posts. You can easily do 6 in an hour when you log back in. Then you can go have a look at the P&V gallery. That will help clear some of the confusion when you can SEE for yourself what drives most of this.

As as far as where the CDing goes/where it might lead? No one can answer that but if he too is 50ish, a full transition to female is highly unlikely given his age AND the fact that he "generally dresses about once a month on average".

[Kyrianna]

Hi Spirit,
I have found that sometimes as a CD i am conflicted when it comes to Dressing. There are times were my femme side wants to get dressed but the procrastinating male side of me cannot be bothered. As I have learned, it takes a lot of work to look like a lady.
When I do dress, my happiness has changed over time. Strangely, I know find that I can even be happy in my men’s clothing as longs as my Armpits, arms and Legs are shaved.
Work together to find what makes you happy and I hope you are able to work it out.
Hope, I wanted to touch on something you said as it struck a nerve with me. Your comment about learning what it is like to be a woman, not just dress like them, really hit home with me. I grew up surrounded by women and thought that I had a good understanding of women. So now as a CD I thought that I was in a good place when came to thinking like a woman. But you are correct and we can always learn more. Thank you!
Kyrianna

[ReineD]

She wears silly frilly dresses that I couldn't possibly wear hopefully that wont last, I could live better I think with normal dressing, not so sexual I guess I mean.


The frilly dress part may be just a phase. There is a subset of crossdressing called "sissies" who try and achieve a hyper feminine state with overly frilly things and the idea to be submissive and do things like be maids or other stereotypical female activities. The sissy genre sounds more fetish to me, but who knows.

I may be completely off base because obviously I don't live at your house, but I'll take your word for it, Spirit, that it is sexual for your husband.

If your husband is indeed a fetish crossdresser, he could be conflicted because he feels torn between his sexual loyalty to you, and the thrills he gets from the CDing. A way to alleviate this if you can get into it, is to get sexual with it right along with him too. You can both see it as a fun kink, so to speak.

If you cannot do this (many wives would not be able to ... and again if it is strictly a sexual thing for your husband), then would you be OK with him sharing his sexual energies between wearing the frilly dresses alone and being intimate with you in male mode? I can't help but think that if he thinks he has your blessings, then he won't feel so conflicted? Another complication might be that your husband is finding it increasingly difficult to be sexual without the frilly crossdressing and he senses that he might be disappointing you? Some people give themselves ample leeway when it comes to accepting their own sexual proclivities, while others do not.

Again, I don't know your situation, just taking your words at face value. Ultimately, I think it is up to you and your husband to have an open and honest discussion about this, so that you both can get to the bottom of your husband's conflict.

[Badwolf]

I'm going to take a different assumption on what you mean by "frilly" and "sexy". This is with the assumption that "she" isn't into the sissy subculture, or a fetish, but just that she dresses too sexy for the occasion.

Many CDers that repress themselves for longer tend to do that quite a bit at home, because it's something they always looked at but never got to try at an "age appropriate" time. The girl self lags behind in style/fashion sense for a while, especially when "passing" isn't really a concern.

[Jenny Elwood]

I have to go with Katey on this. Dressing doesn't lead to (full-time) happiness (not for me anyway). Not dressing leads to full-time misery though. So yes, I would also rather be gone with it. If I could just convince myself those other things were actually interesting... and seeing a girl stare back at me from the mirror was not.

[mbeth426]

I am so sorry to hear that your partner/husband's conflict is causing problems in your relationship. Many men have serious psychological conflict when they confront their own gender variant behavior. What is hard to understand is that the conflict comes not from the cross dressing itself but from the discomfort with presenting as a male all the time that leads to cross dressing. The cross dressing is the solution to the problem. This is why so many cross dressers report being happy when they are dressed and experience cross dressing as a form of stress relief. This is also why stopping the behavior - the cross dressing - does not diminish the conflict, and often will make it worse. But it is very hard for some men to understand themselves enough to realize this. I think if this issue is causing problems your partner really needs to get some counseling by a qualified gender counselor. You have considerable leverage here, especially since your goal is helping him to accept himself, not to ban the cross dressing. He needs to be discussing his feelings in places like this forum and with a counselor. The process he is going through should be one of self discovery. This is a process that really does lead to happiness and emotional health, but he may be sabotaging himself and preventing his own peace of mind. Persuade him to get help.

This is something that I'm hoping my husband can sort out in therapy. Either he's not articulating his feelings to me very well, or I really feel more and more that he is not TG like he's thinking. He tells me he is not unhappy as a guy, but feels unhappy when he has to stop being female. He said "I think life would be more fun as a girl." To me, this seems like the feeling he gets when dressing up is consuming him. Like any "hobby" (I'm not sure what other word to use), of course it's more fun when you're doing it! Some hobbies you are much more passionate about too! I have a very strong passion for my favorite Japanese band (I finally traveled to Japan in March to see them in concert!!). The several times I've seen them live, I actually get really sad or even cry when the concert is over. Maybe this is a really bad analogy, I don't know. But I've told him there are plenty of compromises, and I've read about so many other CDers on this forum, some who've even strongly considered transitioning, that have been able to compromise so that both people can be happy! I just really hope that will happen for us too.

I just hope therapy will help him sort all of this (and his issues with sex) out, and maybe he will realize he doesn't need hormones or to transition completely. Part of this I think is that he doesn't think he can pass as female right now (I call bs on that). He says "you know I don't like to look ignorant or out of place". He's pretty as a female, hell I think many CDers would be jealous of his body because he has such a slender body type (hell, I'm jealous of his legs)! I've seen many of your profile pictures and I know not all of you are TG, and so many of you look like beautiful women too! So I think he just needs to get his confidence up and realize he doesn't need to go ALL the way to pass as female. I also sometimes think he needs a better quality wig, which might help. But now he's growing out his hair, so it might not be worth it to even buy a wig.

The question is, how long I can last knowing there's still a chance he will still want to go through with it anyway and our marriage/relationship will be over. It's so hard to be supportive knowing you're potentially digging a grave for yourself at the same time! Therapy session #2 with his gender issues/sex therapist is on Wednesday.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I hear you. My answer is I feel complete but not always happy. The 'not being happy' part is from the angst I cause for my wife of 43 years. I sometimes feel that my sense of style when I'm in girl mode challeges my wife's femininty. That is never mt intention.

[suchacutie]

I agree that counseling could be a very positive path. When my wife and I first found Tina, we both had no idea that I was transgendered or what it meant. We asked each other hundreds of questions we found we could not immediately answer and realized that experiencing Tina was a positive way to answer those questions. That kind of process requires complete openness from both people and facing all the related issues can be very hard. Having help in this journey can be crucial but it seems that you are both already committed to each other, which is a very good place to start.

[Melissa_59]

how do you get a partner/husband to accept himself for who he is, then maybe I cant try to move forward in a more positive way and all this will not be a huge wedge between us.

Hi Spirit,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is having trouble accepting who he is. A lot of us go through that, sometimes it takes years to realize that the guilt and shame of being what we are is nonsense - that we're still human beings capable of doing anything, reaching any mountain top we want to climb. You've been married for 31 years so that means you're probably around my age (I'm 55 this month) and I remember growing up and the gender roles we were all shoved in to when we were young - my sister got dolls, I got trucks and cars to play with, and it didn't end there. So later in in life (when I was 8 years old) I found I was interested in my sisters toys (and... other things), I was given a stern lecture about that because "it was wrong". No one ever explained why it was wrong, it just was. So I made sure I was never caught again, but the shame I felt from my parents yelling at me didn't leave for many decades.

Counseling can help, but your husband needs to realize that there is a problem - the lack of acceptance - and be open to ways to accept that he's not a freak, he's not "broken", and also that he's not alone. We are wonderful human beings who don't necessarily fit the norms, but we still care, we love, we feel pain - just like everyone else. Many of us have served in the military (some still do!) and have been to dangerous places in defense (or "defence" for our Canadian and British sisters) of our nations and put ourselves in harm's way many times, and yet we still do what we do.

It's not hurting anyone unless someone makes it an issue. Acceptance only comes when you realize that there really isn't anything wrong with you. Maybe you don't conform to what others think, but so what? You're a little different - aren't we all, everywhere? We're not cut out of cookie cutters! You still pay taxes, you still own a home, you still vote, and you still love others - what's wrong with that?

I hope he realizes this - it can be tough, but once it does happen it's almost like a new person comes out. I hope the best for you both! :)

~Mel

[Badwolf]

Mbeth,

You're playing into one of my pet peves of SO's. You're happy to change the way your husband views his identity issues, but you see any of the changes he deems necessary as he figures it out as "digging a grave for yourself". You are an independent person, and no one blames you if you don't see yourself as a "lesbian", if he goes too far in transitioning. You need to see the man you married, but the love will always be there.

As for the hobby becoming time consuming, especially while he feels that something is missing in his life, he will go overboard when he has time. With my SO we sometimes get so busy socially I don't have time to dress. Now that she's been out of the country for a few months, I've spent almost 2 weeks completely en femme over the course of a month and a half. Work also had to let up a bit to give me this much time, but I've been dressing up at least once a week at home.

[mbeth426]

I never said I am being blamed. My point was that I want to fully support him because I love him, but it's also hard to do that 100% when I feel like supporting him is also going to mean the end of my marriage/relationship. I have offered compromises and other options of what I can handle, but it's up to him to figure it all out if it's enough. So in the mean time, I wait and support him, hoping he'll be able to accept some of the compromises and be happy with it so we can both remain together. I encourage him to join support groups and to try and just sit with me while dressed (watch TV or a movie or something), but in the back of my mind I have to deal with knowing after all of this the man I know and love may very well leave me in the end. Of course the other options for me is to 1) end it now, but I don't want to because I hate the idea of leaving with "what ifs" or 2) just completely distance myself and tell him to figure it all out on his own, with no support or encouragement from me. That seems like a pretty crappy thing to do to someone I love and married and I don't want to do that.

So, yes, I am constantly struggling internally, much like he is, but for different reasons, though also for some similar reasons. He hasn't gone over board at all imo, in fact he doesn't even cross dress once a week really. He could be doing it every night after work if he so desired, but he just plays games most of the time.

[DeeDeeB]

First of all Spirit, I want to thank you for your support of your SO. It sounds like she doesn't yet appreciate what a gift you are. I am very fortunate to also have a supportive wife. So many don't have that.

Therapy is often helpful, but we've found going to conferences like Southern Comfort and Fantasia Fair have been most helpful in helping us to understand as a couple what is going on with Dee. You get to meet with others going through the same issues as you are and there are many seminars to help us cope with who we are.

We were together 20 years when Dee appeared, and we have added another 15 years to that since my dual personality. Much of the continued success has come from my wife complimenting on my outfit or makeup, something I do for her as well.

I wish you both the best and hopefully we will see you at Fantasia Fair this October.

Dee :fairy1:

BTW: I am very happy as Dee. She is who I have always been, just covered up I men's clothing.

[kimdl93]

You can't "get" someone to accept themselves. That is an inside job. If he recognizes at least that there is a problem and is willing to seek help to address the problem, then he might be able to being self acceptance. All you can do is offer encouragement.

[Tina_gm]

spirit, thank you for such a wonderful thought provoking question. For the most of us, what is so difficult and traumatizing is societies views of us and how they reflect to our friends family and loved ones. That is why so many of us hide. Many women will admit that a Crossdresser is not among the list of potential life partner material. generically speaking of course without getting to know them. Some women will change their minds, but ask them 1st before and many would take a pass at a serious possibly life committing relationship.

So often are we made to feel inferior among society for just being who we are. And many think it is a matter of control, which it is not. yes, our ability to control how we express ourselves is there, but our desires cannot be controlled.

So, dressing and other forms of feminine expression make us feel happy, relaxed, perhaps giddy when we express them. Being us can be quite difficult at times.

[donnalee]

Hi Spirit and Welcome
I believe a lot of the uncertainty you feel about your husband is due to his own. He can't tell you what he doesn't know
himself. I am happy that you found this site and also hope your husband is here or can be convinced to join. This site is
here for support and to ask just this kind of question. We are very far from being able to answer all or even most of the
questions asked here, and a lot of the answers may just generate more questions, but there seem to be a few things that most
of us have in common:
1. We're a pretty harmless bunch. We also seem to run brighter than average; a lot of us have tech and engineering jobs.
There are just about every job or profession known to man including a number of first responders. We are neither perverts nor
fools. We are also one of the last minorities that it is considered safe to look down upon.
2. Overall we lead a lot of different lives. Some are happily married, some not so happily; a great many are alone, either by
choice or circumstance. A small number have transitioned or are in the process of doing so. There are women who have CDs in
their families also, mostly accepting, some not so much, many, as you are, trying to assess their situation and the best way
to deal with it.
3. Most CDs, especially us older ones, seem to have trouble revealing their actions, even to those dearest to them.
Many seem to believe that this omission is a the equivalent of a gross lie and that they want and deserve punishment for it,
but I think there's a different way to look at it. When I was growing up, to reveal this sort of behavior would be dangerous
and in some cases, fatal. It could cost your livelihood and whatever you had achieved over your lifetime, including your
family and could also put them in danger of societal ostracism or worse. These dangers certainly existed when you and your
husband were growing up and still exist now, but things are changing for the better and later generations seem to have less
of a commitment to bipolar gender than before. My experience was a bit different in that I wasn't aware of my preference
until age 60; although my SO and I had been together for nearly 40 year, we trusted each other completely and she had grown
up in a different society where clothing was more unisex and not as big a deal as it would have been here (although it was
more rigid as to what was proper dress for different formal occasions). She did have questions which I tried my best to
answer, but she never thought I had done anything wrong; to her it was just another aspect of the one she loved and trusted.
4. Most importantly, he is still the same man you married. Crossdressing seems to be something we are born with and can't
just stop doing by will, no matter how strong ours is. I believe that feelings of guilt are a major cause of not telling
loved ones. Right now, he is going through a rough patch and is likely blaming himself for his behavior and all the conflict
he believes he is causing. There's also The "Pink Fog", but you'll find out more about that when you have 10 posts and can
view more forums.
I hope this has been some help and maybe a little different viewpoint for you and that your problems resolve to your
satisfaction,
Donna