Small steps

[Nyla F]

Tonight I told my wife I needed time to crossdress instead of sneaking around behind her back. Turns out she just assumed that I was crossdressing any time she was out of the house for more than 20 minutes, I told her my threshold was more like 2 hours. Anyway, nothing got resolved, no changes agreed to. I just want to be me without feeling like I'm deceiving her. However we were able to hug and make peace with each other so nobody would go to bed angry. Strangely, this is progress because I was able to tell her something about my crossdressing and we were able to recover from it quickly. Small steps.

[Dana M]

Good for you. It is progress. keep it up.

[Maria 60]

If the foundation is strong the house always stands strong. When I read a lot of post here about an not accepting wife, or they separate over the dressing, I never respond because I don't know how the relationship was before he told her. Just reading your story I could tell you have a strong relationship and sounds like in time you will find a happy medium, slowly. After all Rome wasn't built in one day.

[Dannika]

I am with you on the small steps as I have been dropping CD hints for a few days now to mine and she has had the deer in the headlight stare a couple of times but we are making good progress as she wants to go to a dress walk where their will be a bunch of guys in red dresses including me. I think its going to take her a little while to overcome having a man look like a woman after 19 years of marriage to what she thought was a normal man with some kink in the bedroom.
I think any step forward is a good one right now. To me and you its ok we been this way along time but the wives are programed a little different. They are more curious than we are it just takes them more time to feel safe with a big change, at least that's what I have found with mine.
We went from missionary style sex only as newlyweds to years later partying long weekends and hanging with certain couples and having some wild sexcapades but it took a year or so and I found out quickly if you put a women in the garden she will partake of the fruit sooner or later. Most of the time sooner. Also it helps to have some gay friends, softens the idea of us doing what we do or want to do. I could write a book about our journey but this whole CD thing is tougher than I imagined. As some others have stated in one of my threads take it slow and talk. That's were we are now and its all positive so far thank god.
It amazes me what one goes through just to put on some femme wear and bend the rules a little when you have a wife.

[bridget thronton]

Not hiding and being honest with your spouse is a good thing

[Beverley Sims]

And you still have a lot more little steps to go.
May they also be as fruitful.

[Badwolf]

You two are talking! It's always the best advice since it gives you the best chances at taking small steps. Keep it up and have patience as well.

[Katey888]

Small and positive steps are good, Nyla - keep the pace of progress at a slow rate and that's probably a good thing for both of you... :hugs:

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nyla, My DA-DT Wife knows about everything , She just doesn't want to see me dressed.

[Nyla F]

I agree, lots of small step ahead. As for taking it slow, how about glacial. She complained that it had only been 2 months since the last CD talk, so now the clock starts again. However, I think at this point I can at least say that I've tried to be more open about it, she just doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to know where I hide my clothes, so I don't think I have to feel guilty about hiding them anymore since she wants them to remain hidden.

Thanks to reading these forums for a few years I have a better game plan for when those rare opportunities to talk about CDing come up. In the fall I would like to talk to her about shaving my legs. This will not go well, but I can't just surprise her with something like that. And I'll have to be prepared to back down depending on her reaction.

Today, more talk. I made it clear that I don't want to hide anything from her, unless that is what she wants. She made it clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with any of it, doesn't want to know about any of it. So in the future if I take my crossdressing further, for example by buying a wig, and she later discovers it I can claim that I'm only hiding because that is what she wants. But it won't really matter because she made it clear how it bothers her, so I'm not really protecting myself against future conflict. One thing is for sure, she is done talking about it. There is going to be no openness when it comes to that.

There are going to be no more small steps forward.

[Eringirl]

Hi Nyla: First, thanks so much for sharing this! Every situation and every relationship is different, so I won't analyze yours. Just wanted to say that I fully understand and appreciate where you are at. I was/am there now. I tried to be open and honest about all of this with my wife and it almost cost me my marriage and my kids. With a lot of counselling, and patience (mostly on my part) we have salvaged our relationship and continue now in a very good marriage. But I did learn a great deal about the process and will think long and hard and tread very carefully as I try to have Erin in my life in whatever small way I can and the peace and contentment she brings to me. Hence my getting back into a forum such as this. One of the biggest losses I felt with Erin had to go to sleep was the loss of some many wonderful gurlfriends I made on my journey.

Erin
(new here, but did post a brief bio in the introduction section today)

[Brianna_H]

There are going to be no more small steps forward.

Very sad this isn't working out for you, Nyla. I'm going to talk about my new self-discovery with my wife tonight, before I go to far down the rabbit hole in secret. We have a non-standard relationship, and she is a very open-minded, liberal person, but I'm still worried. Really sorry your lady can't except your girl side.

Wishin you peace, love, and understanding in your journey.

[NicoleScott]

Many wives understand (as best they can) and acknowledge that their husband needs to crossdress. But it creeps them out to see it, and they don't want to talk girl talk with their husbands. It sounds like your wife is one of these, and that HER terms are Don't Ask Don't Tell. DADT works for many couples. It sure helps if you continue to be the man she married and still wants.
If you dress in private, it shouldn't matter if you have a wig or not. Since she doesn't want to know or see your CDing, she isn't likely to go looking for your things, but to avoid accidental discovery, make sure you keep your things in a secure place.
None of this resolves your problem of finding enough private time and place to crossdress. Many of us can relate, at some point in our lives anyway.

[Nyla F]

Many wives understand (as best they can) and acknowledge that their husband needs to crossdress. ... It sounds like your wife is one of these, and that HER terms are Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Unfortunately she doesn't acknowledge my needs and in fact tries to avoid leaving the house when I'm home to prevent me from crossdressing. She is not agreeing to DADT, that is not ok with her because the crossdressing is not ok. She sometimes will ask and will regret it later.

[Badwolf]

That's one of the reasons why communication is the foundation of this. Passive aggressive actions really don't help.

[NicoleScott]

Nyla, I'm sorry I read it wrong. From the additional info I can see that it's not DADT. I agree with Badwolf, but I'm afraid that really open communications with each other will result in an even bigger impasse than it is now. Maybe there aren't degrees of impasse. It sucks.

[LeannS]

Same boat Nyla Enjoy being Nyla when you can and she can come out to play whenever she can.
Leann comes out and plays whenever the SO isn't home but I would like to take it a bit farther so I am stuck.
Would like to put on my face so to speak but not with the upper lip hair I have. I even asked my SO if I could shave it off
for a different look and it wasn't a no but a HELL NO.

Leann

[Nyla F]

Hi Leann,

I had a mustache for a very long time. Finally in my 40s I shaved it off. This is also around the time I began to accept myself as a crossdresser, but honestly I wasn't shaving to look feminine, I just wanted to look younger. Took me and my family a little while to get used to. If you wanted to put your foot down, this would be a good place to start since shaving facial hair is very acceptable for men. Honestly, do you insist your SO keep her hair in a particular style? It gets dated looking after a while.

Nyla


From the additional info I can see that it's not DADT.
Hi Nicole,

I've been thinking I need to come up with another word for this. DADT to me implies the SO is somehow acknowledging your needs and giving you some space. It is a compromise or truce, each person gets a little something. But in my case it is almost hostile (a bit passive agressive at times). Its an impasse.

Nyla

[Badwolf]

If you have nothing to tell, DADT doesn't really apply. Calling it an impasse does kind of apply.