Trying to live with this

[Rachael Leigh]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?
As I went through my purge I really wanted it to never be a part of me again I really wanted to show myself I could be a man without this other self, love my wife and make her as happy as she deserves.
Then it came back quicker than I expected but it came back.
I'm working much harder though to not allow this part of me to consume me the way it did before and Im still having trouble balancing that
I do want my wife happy I know she deserves it and Im not saying I should be unhappy but how can one balance such a difficult problem with one SO
Thanks for putting up with me
Leigh

[DonnaT]

Balance comes with compromise as well as sacrifice.

Not all marriages are a happy ever after fairy tell.

Just remember, although your wife didn't ask for this, neither did you.

[Teresa]

Leigh,
It's only hit me that Cding is for life since joining the forum. I've managed to put that over to my wife in one of our talks, it's hard to say how happy she is about it ! I'm still trying to lay all my cards on the table so we can be honest with each other, but at the same time I don't want to upset her .

[Julie Denier]

Oh, lord, life would be SO much simpler if I wasn't a crossdresser, especially since family circumstances dictate I keep it on the down low. It's certainly not a factory option I would have chosen for myself. I cope the best I can to satisfy my need to dress.

[NicoleScott]

It's not going away. You can wish for a cure but you won't get one, and in itself is an admission that something's wrong that needs fixing.
Many people find balance with far worse situations. We can CHOOSE to wallow in regret or make the best of the cards we were dealt.
If something is fixable, fix it. If it's not, don't worry about it.

[Katey888]

Leigh - first up, don't feel bad about coming back here to rant and vent - you do as much as you want or need... :hugs:

God only knows that the recognition of this condition is both a blessing and a curse - this isn't just 'giving up' something; this would be like carving ten pounds of living flesh from somewhere on your body - and then finding out, actually, it's so integrated with one's soul and psyche, you can't eradicate it without damaging the personality itself.

I can't offer any wonderful advice to make this any better for you - I wish I could. I do wonder if I was in the same position whether I'd actually want to come back to this place, and I suspect not... but I can see that for others and probably you it is beneficial. There are just some things that we're helpless to affect however hard we try... All I can suggest is that you keep talking - at some point something may just trigger a tiny piece of understanding that will help...

Be calm - Be well... :)

Katey x

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Oh, lord, life would be SO much simpler if I wasn't a crossdresser, especially since family circumstances dictate I keep it on the down low. It's certainly not a factory option I would have chosen for myself. I cope the best I can to satisfy my need to dress.

Julie, I feel exactly the same way. While I enjoy much of it, if I had a choice I would opt out.

[Christen]

Leigh, I'm going to say what Katey said.

I can only think that for a while you are going to have to be the busiest person in the world and even then you're going to be dealing with the thoughts.

Take care,
Christen x

[Valerie]

I am gifted with being both masculine and feminine, it is one of my talents. Not always comfortable in our society, but this is who I am.
As if if I were too tall, or had excessive energy--I would not cut my legs of smother myself with purple pills.
I can't slice part of me, and a valuable part, away.
I welcome now who I am.
Admiring many of you, reading what you write, has helped get me here, from lost and lonely to belonging to a great community.

[Allison Chaynes]

I used to wish it would go away, but I've been seeing a new therapist about other issues and CDing came up. Apparently it's the one thing making me feel good about myself lately. I sympathize for you with the marital conflict it creates. I wish I could magically make my wife be 100% on board with who I am, but that's a pipe dream. It comes down to what compromises you can make together and live with.

[kimdl93]

wishing isn't going to get anyone anywhere. And while we might like to tell each other that it is sufficient just to "man up" (an expression I particularly dislike) that's about as useful as telling one of us to stop eating till you're no longer hunger or hold your breath until you no longer desire to breath. So, what then is the practical recourse? Well, there are a lot of alternatives. If you are seeking a balance, communicate with your partner to figure out what sort of "balance" might work. If communication is difficult, then work on improving communications. If your partner's attitudes are particularly rigid, well, good luck with that. In a sense, what I'm saying is you, each of us, needs to find the best alternative within our present reality, make whatever changes are possible and then reassess again. Life isn't static. We have to adapt to the circumstances, and do what we can to shape our circumstances.

Does that mean we will be totally happy, totally accepted, completely free...not necessarily, but at least you'll know you've tried.

[LelaK]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?
I only regret that I'm not as feminine as I could be. I only want a cure for the limitations that prevent me from being my ideal feminine self. However, it's not my main interest in life, just a side interest that I wouldn't want to do without, like breathing.

I'm working much harder though to not allow this part of me to consume me the way it did before and Im still having trouble balancing that []

Luckily, I've never been obsessed or consumed by my urges. Sounds like you experience a little more ecstatic happiness than you can stand en femme. It will probably calm down before long without needing to worry about it.

[Princess Grandpa]

It was only last year that I came to understand I am a cross dresser. I am at peace with myself over this. I made a conscious choice to embrace this part of me. Having an accepting, supportive, encouraging spouse it might not have been so easy to find peace so easily. I have thought about this question recently. If I could magically quit would I? I really don't know what I would do. Honestly I am happier today than maybe any other time in my life.

Hug
Rita

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Leigh, Crossdressing is like the Mafia , You just can't quit.

[MelanieAnne]

I never wanted to be "cured"! I consider the crossdressing a blessing. It's like having two lives and two personalities. When I'm all shaved, and dressed and out walking, and enjoying the evening, I often wonder how many guys are sitting in some smokey bar, buying drinks for some woman, and hoping to get lucky.

[sometimes_miss]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?
I knew it wasn't going away a very long time ago, but didn't feel the regret until I knew how many women don't want to date us. I really used to believe that it wasn't a big deal, that all the other good things about me would simply outweigh this 'little' gender thing. It wasn't until after my divorce that I came to realize how much this GID really screws up all the dynamics of attraction when it comes to how women feel about us, and then, that there was really nothing I could do about it. Crossdressing is the giant gorilla in the room that it seems very, very few women can ignore.
Edit. It's not a giant gorilla. It's King Kong.

[Badwolf]

I've always been very self driven, so for me I came to accept this was part of me from a young age. Exactly what it is for me is still a bit in development, but that's just fine.

My biggest regrets come from not having taken care of my skin and a few other things better, not growing my hair out sooner, and that I can't do more to change the world to make this much more acceptable.

[LelaK]

My biggest regrets [] and that I can't do more to change the world to make this much more acceptable.
We need to start or join a campaign to persuade women that CDs can be great companions or friends with benefits etc.

[Badwolf]

I'm hoping to see something like that. With Andre Pejic and other famous girlier men being in the public eye, it might not be too far off.


We need to start or join a campaign to persuade women that CDs can be great companions or friends with benefits etc.

[Confucius]

I suppose you are asking, "How can I have a happy wife and family, while cross-dressing, sometimes."

Well, there really isn't a cure, but you can live a happy, productive, fulfilling life while still having a cross-dressing condition. Here are a few suggestions that you may find helpful:
1. Communicate with your wife: Yes, she needs to know, otherwise she will feel deceived. She is your wife, and needs to know. Let her know that you struggle with this, and you have always thought that you could make it go away by force of will and self-control, but it won't go away.
2. Understand your wife's needs: Most women need to feel held and loved by a man. Most women need to feel secure and protected by a man. Women need to love a man they can respect and honor. You are her man.
3. Be willing to compromise: Every wife will respond differently to a cross-dressing partner. You need to understand the limits of her tolerance. Tell her that she can set the boundaries and you will do your best to live within her boundaries. She also needs to understand that you have tried to make it go away, and this is something that can't go away. She needs to understand that this makes you happy. You both have needs and you need to compromise to make your marriage work.
4. Value your male virtues: Most cross-dresser suffer from some degree of of female envy. We think that females are the lucky ones and we relish what they have. Relish what is good about manliness; Strength, courage, protecting those who are weaker than us, defending our communities, sacrificing ourselves for the love of our families, and teaching our sons to be self-sufficient, confident, and form bonds with those who share our values. The world needs more good men.
5. Recognize Misandry: Most cross-dressers have problems accepting themselves, and suffer from a low self esteem. However, hatred of men (misandry) is socially acceptable. Popular culture portrays husbands as being inept, stupid, and flawed. Whenever there is a media show where men compete against women, the women win.. 100% of the time. Evil is personified as male. The press constantly tries to give young women more self-esteem. What about saying a few words of encouragement to males with poor self-esteem?

Most likely your brain is hard-wired for cross-dressing. The neural connections just interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a woman, and it releases appropriate neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.), and these neurotransmitters are responsible for the sensations of well-being, pleasure, gratification and bonding that make us feel happy. You cannot stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters. However, you can still keep this under control, limited, and within your own self imposed boundaries. Many men before you have been cross-dressers and have succeeded in living productive, and happy married lives.

[Wildaboutheels]

Unless you are the rare exception, You are ADDICTED to it due to the release of all those chemicals all those times as a teenager. The SAME thing that happens with cigarettes, alcohol or all kinds of other drugs. Your Brain releases CHEMICALS to REinforce the behavior/consumption.

CDing as an addiction seems to be worst for those with SOs. Very rare is the GG who is going to be able to understand the VISUAL thing.

Many people have beaten all kinds of addictions but they are normally the ones that cause bodily harm and/or are illegal. CDing is neither of those.

[Cheryl T]

I'm happy being me. I was always miserable trying to hide this, trying to deny that part of me that gives me so many worthwhile facets.
Once I accepted myself and realized that this is who I am I began to truly be happy.

[Maria 60]

Well I believe we can't quit it but I think that we can control it. I feel as if it's in our blood, that's why it's so hard to stop. I really care and love my wife and through our thirty year of marriage we always found a way that we can both be happy, it's not only the dressing. For example, my wife loves to travel, I am more of a constructive person I could relax for a few days but that's about it, but I am getting better. She would love to go for two weeks but she knows how I am and will settle for one, and in return I respect her for that and I will be just as generous with something else. Its like a win, win situation you don't totally get what you want, but you do get something, which is better then nothing.

[Jacqueline Ersatz]

There are things we can change and we do in life. Sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air and say I didn't ask to be born this way. Next thing you know, back to dressing again

[Eryn]

Accepting who you are does not exclude a desire to be different.

[Jessy Jamz]

I suppose you are asking, "How can I have a happy wife and family, while cross-dressing, sometimes."

Well, there really isn't a cure, but you can live a happy, productive, fulfilling life while still having a cross-dressing condition. Here are a few suggestions that you may find helpful:
1. Communicate with your wife: Yes, she needs to know, otherwise she will feel deceived. She is your wife, and needs to know. Let her know that you struggle with this, and you have always thought that you could make it go away by force of will and self-control, but it won't go away.
2. Understand your wife's needs: Most women need to feel held and loved by a man. Most women need to feel secure and protected by a man. Women need to love a man they can respect and honor. You are her man.
3. Be willing to compromise: Every wife will respond differently to a cross-dressing partner. You need to understand the limits of her tolerance. Tell her that she can set the boundaries and you will do your best to live within her boundaries. She also needs to understand that you have tried to make it go away, and this is something that can't go away. She needs to understand that this makes you happy. You both have needs and you need to compromise to make your marriage work.
4. Value your male virtues: Most cross-dresser suffer from some degree of of female envy. We think that females are the lucky ones and we relish what they have. Relish what is good about manliness; Strength, courage, protecting those who are weaker than us, defending our communities, sacrificing ourselves for the love of our families, and teaching our sons to be self-sufficient, confident, and form bonds with those who share our values. The world needs more good men.
5. Recognize Misandry: Most cross-dressers have problems accepting themselves, and suffer from a low self esteem. However, hatred of men (misandry) is socially acceptable. Popular culture portrays husbands as being inept, stupid, and flawed. Whenever there is a media show where men compete against women, the women win.. 100% of the time. Evil is personified as male. The press constantly tries to give young women more self-esteem. What about saying a few words of encouragement to males with poor self-esteem?

Most likely your brain is hard-wired for cross-dressing. The neural connections just interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a woman, and it releases appropriate neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.), and these neurotransmitters are responsible for the sensations of well-being, pleasure, gratification and bonding that make us feel happy. You cannot stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters. However, you can still keep this under control, limited, and within your own self imposed boundaries. Many men before you have been cross-dressers and have succeeded in living productive, and happy married lives.

This is just reinforcing the same old tired gender roles that men are supposed to go around saving people and women are supposed to cook their dinner. Women are very capable if being self-sufficient and confident and defending their communities. It's the people who hold these out dated values that have always taught them they're not. And the whole man hate thing I find ridiculous. Men run the world last time I checked and a dumb male character on tv doesn't change that. Man hate is not the reason many CDs or trans women have self confidence issues. The reason we have self confidence issues is because we were raised by people who drilled these exact gender roles into us and made us feel like failures if we weren't going around saving people from burning buildings and rescuing all those poor helpless women.

You don't need to cure yourself there is nothing wrong with you.

[Nadya]

I feel like crossdressing is like being attached to a rubber band. the more you push away from it, the stronger it pulls you back. If you try accepting it and yourself (which is not easy to do), you may find it easier to balance between what you want and your family.

[amandagurl2014]

New to the forum, and this is my first post. Ive had many regrets thru the years and wished the whole time to be the kind of man I ought to be. Living with crossdressing has been very hard for me. Lately, Ive come to terms with my CD issues and accepting that it will never be permanently cured. Trying to find a good balance with it has been my focus for a while now. Since I have no desire to live full time as a woman, a nice evening every now and then to express and indulge my inner self is enough for me. Purged more times than I remember, but one thing for sure is that the desire to dress always come back. My experience is similar to many others around here. Anyhow, thanks for listening to me.

[Desirae]

I don't look at CDing like an addiction. I do agree with Wild that it becomes more engrained in us due to the "Os" and subsequent chemical releases like dopamine, etc. during puberty which reinforce its pleasurable-ness. I remember, clearly, when I was young, wishing and praying that it would just go away. In contrast I also remember, quite clearly, wishing and praying that I would wake up as a girl. I'm pretty sure the "second" type of wishing and praying came after puberty had started. I do not remember how old I was when I truly realized that my CDing wasn't ever going to go away. I think I was in my twenties, though. Maybe even then I still had a spark of hope that it would just fade away some day. Eventually, you get to the point where you understand that it isn't going anywhere.

Maybe somewhere, there is a "CDer" who was actually successful in giving it up. I don't know. It certainly isn't beyond the realm of possibilities. Maybe their degree of CDing wasn't as great as most. It would probably be hard to find that person, though, because, I'm sure, that if that person existed and were successful at quelling their CDing behavior, that they would never want to mention anything about it ever again.

I don't wish there were a cure, anymore. I don't think I would take it even if there were. Where I am now, I think I would feel like I'd be losing "something" in myself that makes me me. Like I just wouldn't be the complete me anymore. I'd still be me, but only with a chunk out of me. That just doesn't sound appealing to me. At least not anymore. I'd lose my "wholeness" if that makes any sense. It took me a long time to get comfortable with myself and not self loathing. I'm OK where I am now.

[Frédérique]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?

I enjoy crossdressing, so I would never regret anything about it. I don’t believe there is a “part” of us that does this, rather it’s a natural progression of sorts brought on by circumstances and miscellaneous yearnings, or a need for sexual gratification. What could be more natural?

Also, I don’t want a “cure,” because that alleged cure would close off my avenue of happiness forever. Why would that be good? You’re the same person regardless of what you do, no matter what others may tell you. Skip the guilt and enjoy life – do it NOW!
:clap:

[Rachael Leigh]

I'm convinced I will never understand myself when it comes to dressing, it distress me more than I care to admit. Yes I love makeup, dresses and cute clothes and it drives me crazy to say that but I'm just not sure what to do about it anymore.
At some point I think I just need to move on and consider this is a part of me that won't change but if my relationship that should be my most important really matters I will prob just let this all go

[Miss Interpretation]

If we're talking in hypothetical terms and I was given a option to "cure" myself of this aspect of my life, I think I would, just because it would make my life SO much easier and allow me to fully explore other routes in my life without fear. Unlike many of you, I am still single and do not have a significant other/children that complicate things. All I know is this aspect of my life has affected my ability to be intimate and develop truly "deep" relationships (I hope to correct that soon!). I can't even imagine how it would feel if you were already married!

However, that being said, I am (mostly) okay with being a CD. It is an incontrovertible aspect of my life and if I've learned anything from my constant purging and guilt, it's that it will ALWAYS be a part of me. Removing it would essentially be killing part of myself, and that's a scary, wholly unnecessary, and actually impossible prospect.

The truth is, I've only recently come to terms with this part of me. And now, that recognition has actually been kind of liberating. My mindset has changed and I'm actually more excited now about exploring and cultivating this part of me that I have tried to ignore for so long. I hope to reach good terms with the feminine side of me.

If you truly have an ultimatum and absolutely need to choose between your wife and your crossdressing, then you need to pick whichever is best for you, and it sounds like it's your wife. However, I feel like you should be able to strike some sort of balance...a compromise, as another poster mentioned. I think you would likely be happiest this way, but it's obviously easier said than done. Only you can decide what level of compromise, if any, you can have in this situation!

One more note:

Being a CD has its positive sides too. I think if I were not a CD I would be much more close-minded and less tolerant than I am. I would probably be more shallow and superficial as well. Having this unorthodox component of my life has metaphorically dragged me, kick-and-screaming, into, what I think, is a more "enlightened" and accepting version of myself; I think I am better off than if I were a wholly "normal" male. After all, being a CD almost guarantees you will always be different than the stereotypical, average male...and who wants to be a boring, old stereotype anyway? :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Leigh.

Yes this is a very confusing thing we do and you are correct . . . it will never go away. Why we do it . . . nurture/nature or points in between . . . are not conclusive and will most likely never be determined. Sometimes we just have to accept that we are the way we are because that is the way it is. It is only then IMHO that we can move forward with accepting ourselves. My therapist told me awhile back when I was obsessed with finding a reason why I was so compelled to dress like a woman that "my searching for a cause is my psyche's way of dealing with the shame of going against my assigned gender role (boy)". Specifically, if I can find a cause I can cure it and get back to being a guy. She then asked me if I spent as much time wondering why I dress and act like a guy. My response was "Duh . . . no because I am a guy and this is the way guys dress and act" to which she responded "Do clothes and mannerisms really define you as a person or just your concept of who you should be?" Okay a lot of psycho babble and my therapist and I don't always see eye to eye on things but in this she was right. I spent way too much time trying to figure out why in some misguided attempt to "cure" myself when I knew this was not going away. So I learned to take a "leap of faith" sort of speak and just accept I am how I am . . . a guy who likes to dress like a girl.

Now, accepting oneself is only half the battle and when we add family (specifically an SO) to the mix then acceptance needs to come from both sides. This is not always the case unfortunately. So the question each of us has to ask is how much are we willing to accept before our own emotional well being suffers. Some here may say this is a narcissistic attitude (it is all about us the CDer) and that the SO should be the final say but unfortunately the emotional state of the CDer will affect the SO far more than dressing in women's clothing. It is no good to accept too restrictive of boundaries (e.g., you can never dress) if it is going to make the CDer bitter, angry and potentially hostile toward the SO . . . the relationship will fail most likely. The best way forward is mutually agreed upon compromise so that both parties can live with those boundaries and emotional well being of both is preserved.

I get from your posts that is what you are attempting to do and are having some success but not as much as you would like. So be honest sweetie, I believe you need to communicate you emotional state to your wife and work on defining where CDing fits in your relationship. If you can make it fit within her rules and continue to be the person she needs you to be (loving, caring, . . . a good man) then that is what you should aim for. However, if you know in your heart of hearts, you will only transcend into bitterness and anger then you will cease to be a productive partner in the relationship. So please don't discount your own emotional well being . . . there are two people in the relationship and both need to be looked after.

Hugs

Isha

[MsVal]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?

When I consider the pain it caused my dear sweet wife, I most certainly wish there was a cure, and would take that cure without regard to side effects. Indeed, for the first several months after my disclosure I felt worse than I have ever felt before. Nothing could be worse. I came close to understanding how a tormented person could consider suicide.

When I consider how we have become so much closer while working through this problem together, I would refuse a cure. I say this because the side effect of crossdressing has been the opening of a much deeper conversation about "us". Absent some Significant Emotional Experience, that conversation would not have been begun.

So, in our case, crossdressing opened a conversation that has reinvigorated our nearly-30 year old marriage.


I really wanted to show myself I could be a man without this other self, love my wife and make her as happy as she deserves.

Me too. I want(ed) to be an authentic Real Man, but felt like a failed every segment of every test. Instead, I believe that I'm some kind of man wannabe, and that is depressing. I was not living up to my own standards, and believed that I was not living up to hers, either.

Then something wonderful happened. Actually several.

I got help from a therapist. She helped me understand that my standards were something of my own making. There is no Real Man, nor a Real Man test. She is helping me accept myself as I am, not as the unrealistic vision of some idealistic Real Man. (more work remains)

My wife and I have begun talking - really talking - about our feelings, expectations, fears ... the whole gamut. She is insecure and worried about her own self image as I am about mine. We want to help and support each other, each believing the other's faults are quite managable and not a significant problem. We have learned that we are our own worst enemies.

As I learned more about my wife's needs and wants, I have been able to be more supportive, as she has been toward me. I actually think she is being much more supportive than I am, and she believes otherwise.

I have been struggling with depression. I've never had trouble with this before. I would start crying for no reason. Recently my medical doctor put me on something for my mood and it seems to help. I no longer feel lousy all day long.


... how can one balance such a difficult problem with one SO

Back when I was a youngster, my elementary school had a playground toy we called a teeter totter. It required two people to balance it, and they had to cooperate. The same is true in marriages. Don't think that you have to do this alone. It's very hard to do alone, and can't be done properly without your wife's cooperation.

My advice, the things that worked for us: WARNING: This may be hazardous to your ego and your marriage, but probably less so than not doing it. First, take off that silly tool belt that men wear everywhere they go, believing they can/must fix every problem. Next, overcome your reluctance to have those frank, and truthfully painful conversations. Prepare for slow progress (if any) on the order of months and years. Accept that the result will be somewhere between your worst fears and your greatest joy, and learn to be satisfied with it.


Thanks for putting up with me

He, he, that's what I say to my wife nearly every day ... and it's said in true sincerity.

Best wishes
MsVal

[LelaK]

Walk in their shoes.
Everyone should read Isha's post, the one just before this (after Val, which I didn't get to read yet). She sums things up well. I just want to share a little about my early years for the sake of friends and lovers of CDs et al. If you can walk in our shoes for a bit, you may come to understand better. And it's fair for any of us to try to walk in our friends' and lovers' shoes as well, in similar ways, via communication.

I was a pretty child until about age 4 or 5. When I was about 2 I remember Mom put a scarf on my head sometimes and on my younger brother, when we played outside in cooler or windier weather. I loved the feeling of the scarf. I liked Mom and I thought when I grow up I would be like her, pretty and fairly feminine. When I was about 4, we had 2 younger sisters by then, I asked Mom if I'd be a woman like her when I grow up. She said no, but for some reason it didn't seem to bother me much. I think I assumed that I would still be feminine anyway.

When I was 5 or 6, Dad made us boys get real short haircuts, called "burrs" I think. I hated it and felt ugly and embarrassed, but I was afraid to express my feelings because of Dad's unpredictable anger and sometimes violence. My feelings often got hurt and I would go to a private place to cry, because Dad would usually get mad if I cried in his presence. Mom wasn't very tolerant of crying either, I think. When I was 6 or 7, I finally learned to repress my crying and I told Mom proudly that I hadn't cried for a whole week. I did that till I was a young adult, when I came to see that crying doesn't hurt anyone, so I stopped repressing it again mostly in private.

I continued to love beauty and various "feminine" qualities in my later childhood and all my life and I identified with femininity more than masculinity. I greatly disliked brutality, competitiveness, the male body and some other masculine traits. Since early childhood I was always a bit sad that I couldn't be an actual female, but I was fairly satisfied to make do with what I had.

I started crossdressing around age 9 in private when I could get away with it. In adulthood I was free to do it more often and did it maybe about once a month on average, still only in private. I did it a bit more often in later years, but still always in private. It's only in the past year that I've sought to dress more often and more openly. I'm now 65.

These days some parents allow their kids to dress however they want. Isn't that much more civilized and caring than trying to suppress them and mold them into something against their will?

[Stephanie47]

I'm a senior. I've been on your typical cross dresser journey. I agree with the sentiments expressed that NOT being a cross dresser would have lead to a less complicated life. I've been married for over forty years. My wife does not understand why I do it. I do not know why I do it. I stopped pondering the root cause decades ago. I found pondering it too much causes the visual of a dog chasing it's tail in a circle. I do not approach the subject with my wife- her choice. She does not badger me about it. It's a perfect DADT for me. I do get ample time to express myself when and if I want to. She works outside the home. I am retired. I don't know what will happen when she also retires. Right now my stress level is very low when it comes to cross dressing. During the summer I wish I could slip into one of my pretty maxi sundresses and eat my breakfast on one of our backyard swing sets.

I have not gone back in your threads to see how much your wife rejects cross dressing. If she is at all willing to listen she needs to understand your needs and especially the stress of the inner conflict. She does not have to accept cross dressing. However, she needs to accept you cross dressing within some mutually agreeable boundaries. Some on this site dress one a month in private. Some dress 24/7 and do not give a hoot about their wives.

The desire to cross dress will not go away. Sure, you can purge and never buy another garment. But, you will become less of a husband. Why? Because, you will sacrifice some degree of inner peace and that will affect your relationship with your wife.

[Cara Lacey]

Something my wife's therapist said, which helped her accept my cross dressing, is that it is just clothes. I am the same person no matter what I am wearing.

But personally, what really bothers me is every woman that broke up with me because of my cross dressing, was wearing clue jeans at the time.

I asked the last woman who left me if I am not supposed to cross dress to be fair should i ask her to only wear skirts and dresses, like all the women in my family did.

I got no answer.

[DonnaT]

Unless you are the rare exception, You are ADDICTED to it due to the release of all those chemicals all those times as a teenager. * * * Your Brain releases CHEMICALS to REinforce the behavior/consumption.

What kind of chemicals?
Are they different than chemicals released from riding a roller coaster, a multistory water slide, bungee jumping, parachute jumping, etc.?

How come I got addicted to CDing but not to any of those other things?

How come? Because it's not an addiction, and there is no proof that it is.

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi All, this is the best existential question I've seen here. As another senior CD in the group, I've gotten much less interested in the 'am I morally wrong to like wearing woman's clothes', or 'what happened to make me feel & think this way'. After over 25 years of marriage my dear, wonderful wife accepted that Marsha was an essential part of my personality, that on a scale of human behaviors being girly is odd but certainly not perverse. Her embracing Marsha, literally and figuratively, has enabled me to shed a lifetime of guilt, shame, and deciet. I have been liberated to be my true self. Tons and years and layers of inadequacy are no longer obscuring the person I know I am. Two things I am are happy and fortunate. We're entering our 30th year together, and we've never been closer. If there were a cure for something that isn't wrong I would smile and firmly but politely say 'no'.

[Joni T]

If it wasn't for Joni I would have never met my wife (to-be).
Joni

[Krisi]

First of all, if you're trying to quit crossdressing, don't participate in crossdressing web forums. Don't even read them. That's like a recovering alcoholic hanging around bars.

Second, if you believe you can't quit, your predictions will come true, you won't be able to quit. If you truly want to quit and believe you can, then you can quit. It's simply a matter of not doing it.

[Rachael Leigh]

So right Krisi, I cant seem to stay away from here, I mean where else can one go where they are fully understood with something so difficult to deal with.
I mean do I want to stop, to be honest no. Do I want to balance it better? yes I do, and will my wife ever come on board? Well thats one I cant answer.
So I just work with what I have an just deal with it.

[Alice Torn]

Leigh, I can understand SOME of the difficult titanic struggle you are going through, but not the being married part, as i have no So or wife. You have stated that you are a person of faith. So am I, and in spite of all the good things, and hope that faith gives, this is a part of us, that we must hide from there, too. You say your wife is strong in her religious beliefs, and sound adamant against crossdressing. I hope that your sharing from the heart, of your struggles, will soften her heart, and remove the hardness. Mercy is a value of faith too.

[Tina_gm]

Hi Leigh, I understand much of what you are saying and some, a lot of it is stuff I can relate to. What I try to do is look at the big picture. I mean all of it, from every angle. At least for me, I am currently at a point where I accept that my wife will never "like it" She accepts that I am different, as does yours, or she would have left by now. It is ok for her to struggle with it all and feel all sorts of feelings about it. It is only fair since most of us who are dressers have had many of those similar feelings and confusions. If we struggle, then certainly those around us will too.

I still have many frustrating days when it comes to gender issues. However, I am slowly learning to be ok with myself. I am a good person. Maybe not the typical "man" although I am a male. If I can offer any suggestions, when it comes to your marriage, work hardest on being a good spouse. Loving, caring, supportive, helpful.... those things are not gender exclusive. Do those things and the struggles of CDing become worth it, or more worth it for her. And one last thought, when going the extra miles, don't emphasize that it is a thank you for putting up with the gender issues. Do those because she is worth it regardless. Let her know that you do it for her because of her, and would regardless of gender issues.

[Confucius]

First of all, if you want to give up cross-dressing, even for a period, then you shouldn't be on this forum. This forum will encourage you to express your cross-dressing.

You may find Thorin's web site to be more conducive to your goals: http://healingcd.wordpress.com/

Second: I believe that our condition is just the way our brains are hard-wired. Our neural synapses are connected such that our brains interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female and releases a host of neurotransmitters which produce the sensations of well-being, comfort, sexual gratification and bonding.

My Recommendation: Communicate with your wife. Tell your wife that cross-dressing is something you've been struggling with all your life. Tell her that you are 100% heterosexual and have no interest in changing your gender. You love her more than anything and will not let anything come between you. You know that a woman needs a man to love her, to protect her, to provide for her, and that a woman needs to love a man she can respect and honor. You are her man, and always will be. However, you also want to know about her tolerance to cross-dressing. If you discretely wore something feminine under your regular clothing would that be acceptable? If you only did some minor cross-dressing in the privacy and safety of the home, would that be okay? Or, could you use some male clothing as a substitute for cross-dressing. For instance, they make men's nylon pajamas that feel like lingerie? Or, you might consider some satin men's boxer shorts, or sleep on satin pillowcases. You may find that you can find something that you enjoy that meets your wife's tolerances. Always respect her tolerances, and let her know that you will never do anything that makes her uncomfortable.

[CynthiaD]

Dear Leigh:

I don't think you want to quit. If you did, you would, and you wouldn't come back here talking about it.

What are you struggling with? Do you think everyone "should" be 100% male or 100% female? Says who? It doesn't work that way. Some are male, some are female, some are neither, and some are both.

Do you think that everyone's perceived gender should match exactly with their sex? Again, says who? It doesn't work that way either. All variations exist.

These things are neither good nor bad. They are a normal, yes normal part of the human condition.

Furthermore, it's not necessary to make a big deal out of it. I've always felt that trans people bring a lot of trouble on themselves by acting as if their condition was super important, a deep dark horrible secret. It isn't. You're just a guy who likes to wear female clothing. Like thousands of other guys throughout history. So what?

[Pat]

If there was a "cure" I'd be uninterested in it. But there's not a cure because it's not a disease. I'm not broken; it's not something that needs to be fixed. It's part of who I am and it's correct for me.

As for the pseudo-science "it's an addiction" it's true you release endorphins when you do things that are "correct" for you, so there is a physiological reinforcement of correct behavior. Those same "chemicals" come into play when you give a correct answer to a question -- doing that often makes you crave to be correct more often and thus makes you get an education; learn a job skill, learn to handle your money -- a million other things. Not the same thing as being an addict in the more traditional sense of a person whose correct impulses are being overridden by a craving for heroin or crack.

[suchacutie]

When my wife and I discovered Tina 9years ago we were both amazed at her existence, but we both recognized immediately that she did exist. So, my history crossdressing is not the common story. My wife and I investigated Tina together. My wife taught Tina what it is like to be a girl. We asked each other questions constantly. The experience was very positive for us as a couple and most certainly for me individually. Living in two genders is not easy in any way, but this person we named Tina is clearly a part of us and losing her is not an option.

[Tinasworld2]

While I only have a few posts I have lived this for a lifetime. I feel for you as it seems you do not have the support of your SO. I have a SO who knows and says she supports and find this hard at times. I have beat myself up often about this but that has long past and life is simply about balance and while one doesn't need to be out they don't have to beat themselves up either. I wish you the best of luck.

[natcrys]

Regret.. never.. how could I have a feeling of regret for something I had no influence on?

Until my 7th grade teacher (when I was 11) gave a small lecture about LGBT-isssues (yes.. she was very progressive :) ), I did think I was the only one on the planet who was like this. That did make me feel weird during my childhood. After I knew I wasn't the only one and I realised I wasn't doing anything "bad".. I felt great! :)

I hate to break it to you.. but as far I know.. it will always be a part of you. Sure, you could stop the act dressing.. but since it ingrained in your brain as part of your whole being,.. the feeling and the urge will always be there.

As discussed in another thread, external factors can determine if and how long you could stop the act of dressing and you could even "forget" about it for a while because you're occupied with it. But it will swing back in your face like a truck-sized pendulum.

Now, I'm not in a relationship.. and I couldn't picture myself with someone who would accept this or who'd ask for DADT. But if you're in a relationship, I'd be as honest as possible.. especially with respect to the future and find a way for the crossdressing to co-exist in the relationship.

How, you ask? Heck if I know.. :p

[Beverley Sims]

Don't purge and let your wife ask the questions.
Tell her little as she probably doesn't want to know.
Curiosity is the best weapon we have, explain when asked.