F e a r !!!

[Wildaboutheels]

It's a cruel world out there is a common train of thought around here. Often coupled with "I could never pass in a million years so I won't go out dressed".

But how many people separate that fear into the obvious 2 parts?

1] Being busted by people that know me or...

2] Being busted by total strangers. Each and every stranger, man, woman or child of any age.

What if... your boss made you an offer to work out of town five days a week for DOUBLE your current salary. Not only would they put you up in a nice house for those five days, it would be right close to an airport. Every Friday afternoon they would fly you the 1000 miles home at their expense and fly you back to work Sunday night. Even pay for trips to and from the airport.

Would you take it? And if you did, would you now "dress" in a town where no one knows you? And just to muddy the picture, let's say the company has a very friendly LGBT policy/attitude in that they care not one bit what you do with your time or how you attire yourself once you leave work. Translated, ZERO worries of being fired.

Certainly some of you w/o SOs have made a move like this as a permanent move?

[Bria]

1, yes. 2, no. I'd love the out of town work on those terms, but since I work for myself I doubt that my boss would be that generous!!

Hugs Bria

[Ashley Wray]

I'm more worried about running into someone know for sure, the strangers could care less about. I would take the five day offer and after work would more than likely go out a few times while was there to select places. To me would be a great opportunity to try out new things within perspective of course. Right now I wont even leave my driveway dressed because I have nosey neighbors the one time I did go out I parked somewhere and put make up on in the car. A fear just as big as running into someone know is to get pulled over dressed to me would be really embarrassing.

[Kate Simmons]

Wow that would be like giving you a free ticket. When I was working I was never all that concerned with it myself. The reason was that I was dressing for myself, not anyone else. Fear is too much of a waste of energy to bother with the way I see it. :)

[DeeArel]

1. Yes, I am concerned with running into those who I know.

2. No, strangers do not concern me unless it is a group of intoxicated red necks.

I travel for business frequently and take full advantage of the freedom to dress. Although, I have to be mindful of situation number 1. When I go out of town to a city with no affiliated work subsidiary, I can relax and fully let my hair down.

[Oh Stella]

I dont want to run into someone I know and I dont feel very comfortable around stangers either. I dont want to be clocked by anyone! I want to pass 100%! I would go out of the house if I could pass 95% so I will not be going out of the house or taking and company jobs in other cities.

[Cheryl T]

Yes, I would take it knowing that in about a year I'm retiring anyway so it would not be a big deal doing all that travel for that amount of time.
As for the opportunity to dress, I have that now and don't really worry about someone finding out. I'm not overtly presenting myself, but if someone finds out, then so be it. So I don't feel that it would be that different from what I do now, except of course for having doubled my income. As Martha Stewart would say, "it's a good thing".

[Maria 60]

Well I would think the obvious answer would be not being caught by a friend, but the last time I was out driving dressed I got some really bad looks from strangers. I guess we really don't care how strangers look at us, but being excepted without a dirty look would be nice.

[Michelle789]

Being busted by people you know

If you're going out somewhere en femme, people you know most likely won't even notice it is you. Remember that people have to be looking for you in the first place. If you go to a supermarket or movie even in guy mode, there's a good chance that people you know won't even notice you because they're not expecting to see you. When you go to work, you're coworkers expect to see you, so they recognize you. When you're at a supermarket, mall, or the movies, your coworkers aren't expecting to see you, so they might not even recognize you in guy mode.

Now if you're en femme, and you look different with a wig, makeup, and women's clothes, they most certainly won't recognize you in public places like the supermarket, mall, or the movies.

Let me tell you two stories.

1. I used to consult a psychic, who knew me only as a guy. I went on a trip to Palm Springs for my birthday two years ago, and at Joshua Tree National Park, I swear to God that I saw the psychic and her husband, but I wasn't totally sure it was them. They didn't recognize me, or say anything to me. 10 days later, when I went to see the psychic, I told her about my visit to Joshua Tree - I didn't yet tell her about my encounter. She told me that she and her husband went to Joshua Tree too, on the same day that I was there. I then told her that I thought I saw her and her husband there at around 2 pm that day. They didn't remember exactly where they were, but we believe it is possible that I recognized them, but they didn't recognize me.

Why did the psychic not recognize me, even though I was in drab? Because she wasn't expecting to see me at Joshua Tree.

2. One night I was coming home from a TG support group, en femme, and my neighbor, who didn't know I was TG at the time, saw me and recognized me. I was coming out of my car, and she knew it was my car and where I parked. I was tired, and initially took her as an aggressor, so I just walked inside my apartment and felt like I had been busted. A few weeks later, I left the house en femme, and she said hi to me again. This time I came out to her as TG, and she accepted me with open arms and complimented me on my outfit.

Why did my neighbor recognize me en femme? Because she was expecting to see me. She knew what my car looked like, and where I parked. She knew that I live alone and that no one else goes in or out of my car, so that I am the only person who could be possibly going in or out of my car, so she recognized me. The second time was in broad daylight and she probably got a better glimpse of my face. After seeing me en femme once and recognizing what I looked like en femme, recognizing my face from her experiences with me in drab, and expecting to see me walking through the apartment building's courtyard, she knew it was me.

Another incident happened where I was en femme and I walked past my landlord. He said hi to me, but didn't call me by my male name. He didn't recognize me. I was walking past him in the court yard and he was expecting to see me, but didn't recognize me with a wig, makeup, and women's clothes on. Se even in my own apartment complex, not everyone recognizes me en femme.

So even if you're in your home town dressed, people you know won't recognize you unless they know to look for you. If you're walking around your workplace parking lot en femme, then yes you risk a co-worker seeing you. You might get recognized by neighbors, especially if someone knows where your apartment is or what your car looks like. Otherwise, people are just way too busy and are not expecting to see you, and are certainly not expecting to see you en femme, so most likely they won't recognize you en femme.

Being busted by total strangers

Unfortunately, you do risk getting clocked and read as a CD or TG by strangers. While they might read you as genetically male, total strangers don't know you, so they won't recognize you either.

[Desirae]

As far as #1, the fear of running into someone you know never completely goes away. There is always that chance of running into someone from high school, prior jobs, family, etc. Other people move, also, and you never know where you are going to run into them. Many of the people I knew in high school have moved to other states or other cities in my state. Heck, some have even moved overseas. People disperse everywhere all the time, and unless you have kept in contact with them, you never know where, so even though the likelihood of running into someone you know may decrease in another locality, it is never zero. And from my experience in life, Murphy's law always seem to rear its ugly head.

As far as #2, I wouldn't care too much about strangers unless they were dangerous or something like that.

[Badwolf]

I'm definitely guilty of not recognizing people out of context.

But for me the fear is getting clocked by someone I know. Just seeing them isn't enough. I have to know it is in a context where they will recognize me, with no means to avoid the real confrontation.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I have to admit, that kind of assignment was what propelled me from the School of Lingerie, to the colloge of out and about. I had 5 1-month assignments out of town over 6 months. In truth, I did not have that much freedom during the day because I was working with co-workers and customers, but after work and on weekends the time was mine. While Steffi didn't step out, I learned to shop for her at thrift shops. A couple of years later, I would be out of town for 2 or 3 days a week, evey other week. I usually ended up in different hotels than my co-workers, and Steffi got her first makeover did go out several times. Sometimes it was cheaper for me to stay over Friday night and take a Saturday flight home. That gave me Friday night to play dress-up on go out.

[kimdl93]

I'm not a typical case. I've met most of my neighbors en femme, I fact went out of my way a few times to do so and I've encountered other people I know out in public. So, I guess I'm past the point of caring or seeking approval from acquaintances or strangers.

[docrobbysherry]

Why do u need "help" from your boss to dress out of town? Unless your friends and family r your true impediments?

I don't dress at home but have been to over 8 out of state dressing events/conventions. And, I go to T girl nites about once a month in a city about 30 miles away from where I live. Virtually NO chance of getting made by anyone that knows me.

The difficulty before I told my family about Sherry was the stories I had to make up about where I was going and why! In my experience bosses don't really care that much.

[suchacutie]

Only if they understood my wife would be with me all the time.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't go out dressed in female clothes because I know the potential ramifications of that behavior. There are enough people out there that will do things behind our backs that can make our lives more difficult, up to and including getting us killed. Also, I simply do not need the added drama in my life of explaining myself to everyone I know in the hopes that they will believe that I'm not gay. It's difficult enough in the dating world. I do not need to feed the fears of others and make my own life more difficult. Yes, I know there are lots of guys here who love the drama, love confrontation, and like being in other people's face. I'm simply not one of them. I prefer a life with little conflict, not a fight-a-day.

[Marcelle]

Hi WAH . . . in response.

1. Not concerned as many people know and while I don't advertise I am TG if someone I know was to meet me on the street and say "Dude WTF?" I would explain it to them and it is up to them to accept or not. On a side note I have run into people I have known for years while "en femme" and they have not recognized me. Not because I "pass" but more likely because they are not looking for me in girls clothing.

2. Not concerned. I get read, clocked, busted all the time. If I was concerned, I would never go out.

As far as working out of town five days a week . . . would have to have that discussion with my wife. I am away a lot as it is but double the current salary . . . hmmm interesting.

Hugs

Isha

[Jacqueline Ersatz]

I think that I wouldn't want anyone I know to ever find out, that is a big fear. I think my fear of what strangers might think would be the same as what I think. I could never pass in a million years.

[Gypsy Sam]

1. Yes. 2.Yes. 3. No, the relationship with my wife would suffer and deteriorate a 30 year marriage.

[samantha rogers]

For what its worth, a few years ago I made a point of changing my male mode style. I grew my hair longer, and changed from khakis and polos to skinnies and slinky shirts, Blazers went away and were replaced by short leather jackets. I soon found that unless I deliberately went up to them, a good two thirds of the people who were friends/acquaintances did not recognize me. And this was in MALE mode.
How many times have you failed to recognize someone you knew, say a doctor or someone from a store you frequent, simply because you ran into them in a place different from where you usually are used to seeing them?
People generally see what they expect to see, regardless of what is in front of them.
I really doubt the vast majority of people who know me as a male would have any clue who I was if they met me en femme.
And at this point, I like it like that.

[LelaK]

Oh, I see now that WAH is the thread owner. I thought it meant Working at Home as the Urban dictionary says.

[bimini1]

I was in New Orleans once 500 miles away from home and had just come out of a wig shop in drab when I heard my name being yelled from down the street. Turned out to be some guys I worked with back home I had no idea they were also in the Crescent. From that point on I gave no credence to the theory about folks not expecting to see you won't recognize you. From my experience it's just not true.

[Badwolf]

bimini1: It's not a rule by any stretch, and even then rules are made to be broken. The real idea here is that it is VERY common that people use associations for recognition. Places, familiar habits, hair cuts, all can throw MANY people off. For most "vanilla" people, your breaking an association that is hard for them to imagine would change, gender presentation. Once you add location changes to the mix etc, even if someone THINKS they recognized you, they will probably tell themselves "it couldn't be", or even fail to really even remember who you look like.

[Betty Jean Blose]

If you are dressed to pass as a women of your age and shape, unless you do something silly, how ever could anyone 'read' you? Hopefully this video I made will help:

http://youtu.be/KcGMlioyQfw

I do use YouTube...it is free and safe.

[Miss Interpretation]

When I moved to CA from my hometown on the East Coast, I thought that it would be a "fresh" start, where I didn't have any of my old friends or family preventing me from expressing myself fully. It worked, to some extent; I definitely had more time and privacy to explore dressing that I wouldn't have living at home. But ultimately, I ended up making friends and co-workers as a guy. So now, I'm in a similar boat. I have people I am scared to "open up" to even though I have only known them for a relatively short period of time.

I guess what I'm saying is that, for me, it ultimately won't be about where I am or who I know that determines whether I dress in public (I haven't), it will ultimately be about whether, deep down inside, I am willing to accept all the consequences of revealing this part of my life to others. I'm in the most CD-friendly area in the US and maybe the world (SF Bay Area), away from anyone who knew me when I was young, and I still haven't gone out dressed. And currently I'm okay with that.

A double salary job in a new place would definitely be nice, but I don't think it would change how I live with dressing. If I ever do reveal this aspect of myself (which I think I will), then location won't matter to me.

[Frédérique]

It's a cruel world out there is a common train of thought around here. Often coupled with "I could never pass in a million years so I won't go out dressed". But how many people separate that fear into the obvious 2 parts?
1] Being busted by people that know me or...
2] Being busted by total strangers. Each and every stranger, man, woman or child of any age.

It’s not so much fear as “I don’t wish to bother anyone with my incredibly interesting yet non-understandable hobby/activity/or whatever you wish to call it.” If I was “busted” by someone I knew, it would be highly amusing. If I was “busted” by a total stranger, it would be equally amusing, especially here in Kansas, since pretty birds like me are a rare sight indeed…

It’s a cruel world, all right, which is why I crossdress and derail the prevailing train of thought. Regarding the job, I would take it AND dress. I used to live in a town where nobody knew me, but that time has passed – now I can’t really go around unnoticed anymore…
:sad:

[JocelynRenee]

I had to chuckle when I read this hypothetical situation. You've almost perfectly described my current life!

My wife and I work for a Fortune 500 company that is regularly recognized for it's forward-thinking LBGT policies. Since January of this year we have been part of a special project team that requires us to travel 3-weeks out of every month with the option of flying home every weekend.

Typically 4 or 5 of our colleagues will be staying at the same hotel and most of them are from other areas of the country so we did not have prior relationships. Since weekends are generally reserved for Jocelyn, that meant quite a few coming out stories our first trip. On the surface everyone was cool and I honestly don't care what they think privately.

For most of my life I lived in fear of my secret being discovered. The story behind my change in perspective is beyond the scope of this reply, but suffice it to say that I decided to take control of my own life. This life belongs to me and my wife; not to friends, family, co-workers, bosses, and certainly not random strangers. So, this is a roundabout way of saying that it doesn't matter to me which group knows. As for the job offer I took it because we are both on the project team and travel together. If it meant being apart, no salary would be enough!

[Karmen]

Being busted by people who know me scares me to death, because I don't know how they will react. Especially people I work with or some other people I know and I think they won't keep a secret for them self. Being busted by family it would be very embarrassing, but at least they won't tell anyone.
I don't really care for total strangers, but I'm still afraid that I will meet some of these strangers next day and they would recognise me, since I don't pass as a girl even when I'm fully dressed. Because of that even when I go out fully dressed, I try not to get face to face with other people or in the position, where someone could take a good photo or video of my face. That's why I only go out at night when dressed - less people on the streets, so I can avoid direct confrontation on most occasions and it's harder to recognise someone in the dark.

[Algoma]

If someone wants to set me up with that living arangement, I'm your girl. To be able to spens 24/5 as Algoma, would be a dream come true. What company is this? Algoma

[Dianne S]

1] Being busted by people that know me or...

2] Being busted by total strangers. Each and every stranger, man, woman or child of any age.

[1]: All the people I really care about (my wife, kids, mother, sisters and close friends) know I'm transgender and most have seen me dressed as a woman. However, I would not like to be busted by acquaintances or work colleagues; I'm just not ready to be out to them yet.

[2]: I don't care about strangers. I've been clocked before when out and about and most people either just smile or stare a bit; I've never had a seriously negative reaction.

As for working out of town, I wouldn't take it; I would not like to be away from my family for that much time.