The rollercoaster of crossdressing

[Laura J]

For me it seems that crossdressing is a roller coaster of feelings.
Before I get to spend some time as Laura I am excited that I can express myself freely soon
Initially when I dress I am happy and satisfied that I am dressing
Then I realise that I can never look like I feel. I just look like a guy in a dress. The list of things I need to change about me gets longer. I try to change some things, but none of it seems to work. The list is too long anyway.
I then I have to stop being Laura (or the mockery of her I can achieve) because my time is up. Then I begin to look forward to the next time I am Laura.

Does anyone else have a similar experience?

[Gretchen_To_Be]

I share your feelings. I can't explain why the feelings come and go, or alternate between being thrilled and shamed, or happy and ridiculous. You are not alone.

[Nikki Love]

Yep. To look in the mirror and try to reconcile the image of what the model's photo looked like when I clicked 'buy it now' with the reflection of what or who is looking back at me is sometimes less than encouraging.

I have found well styled wigs will always help. I realize some of my body features are an issue as a male or female. And I am more more critical of my appearance when dressed as a woman, but that's part of the territory. So I try to enjoy the moment, accept what is, and learn what tricks will work for me when I am Nikki. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Mia27]

It is a roller coaster!!! First i dont like to dress up. Then i get urges to dress. Then i get super excited to be Mia. Then i am dressed up and happy as ever!!!:) Then i feel ashamed after undressing... i dont want to do it again. Then later on i accept it. But then maybe i dont. Its almost never the same day to day... But ive been coming out to people about it. And they help me through it:) And now its almost the feeling of accepting and loving it:) Im getting there!!!

[Marcelle]

Hi Laura . . . I believe we are the most critical of ourselves because we aspire to achieve what cannot be achieved and that is to look like a woman. Very few (minutia percentage) truly pass as we (men) have too many tells to not be seen as a "guy in a dress". However, that should not stop you from enjoying every moment you spend as Laura. I found for me it was easier to accept I will never look like a woman regardless of how well I hone my make-up skills but I will try to present as close as possible and when I go out, I just own the moment and enjoy being me.

Hugs

Isha

[Badwolf]

Roller coaster is always there for me, although I normally don't fall into shame. Only time I kick myself is when I've just spent too much money.

[Desirae]

I think Isha summed it up very well. You can only play the cards you're dealt, and you can only play them as well as you can play them. You need to get to that point where you love yourself for just being you and be OK with just being you.

[Laura J]

It's nice to know I am not alone.

[Nadya]

For me, the rollercoaster is the desire to dress. Sometimes I can go weeks or more without doing it and then other times I can't wait to get home from work to do it. Shame seems to be a difficult emotion to deal with on your own. Having people that support you can help deal with that.

[Requal Jo]

The day I stopped trying to look like a woman was the day that I felt like a woman. I to do not have as much Requal time as I would like. I get excited when able to dress and feel down when the time to revert to "male mode" arrives. Over the years I have become use to and easily control the emotional feelings. But I would most certainly enjoy more Requal time that is possible at this time.

[Amanda M]

I'm surprised none of our GGs have responded. I suspect that every one of them has looked in the mirror and thought "That's not what I wanted to see!"

[Miss Interpretation]

I know exactly what you feel. The whole act of crossdressing, including the time leading up to it and the time immediately after it are just a huge mixing bowl of different feelings.

I get excited and a little scared when I know I'm about to dress. Afterwards I feel relief (kind of like scratching an itch), contentment, shame, happiness, sadness, stuff I can't even describe. During, I have the same feeling you get. Once I get all "dolled" up, I feel very pretty, but my mirror image will never be what I feel I could've been if I were born a girl. That being said, I've recently come to terms with how I look, I think there's beauty to it, and I'm starting to like it more and more.

I've never felt as many strong emotions in such a short period of time as when I'm dressing. It's both a blessing and a curse, because sometimes I never feel like I'm truly "alive" until I've dressed.

[Adriana Moretti]

I am experiencing this "rollercoaster" right now...currently I am somewhere on the way down, with my hands in the air , quite nauseous actually...i hate this part...I have been feeling this way since Tuesday...or Wednesday..(I lose track of time ) on my way down from a fun 48 hour bindge of selfish me time ...what goes up...must come down and nothing is left but a headache, dehydration,sore muscles, and a pile of dirty clothes...in fact i just found my mini skirt I lost under my bed today...but I can see the next incline...I am counting the hours at this point....and if I look a bit further...I can see a few loop-dee-loops mixed in there too.... hold on tight...enjoy the ride...

[Teresa]

Laura the rollercoaster for me was living with the guilt and shame of CDing and what it nearly drove me to !
I'm dressed at the moment writing this reply, no wig and just lipstick, it's been a while, but does it feel good !!
I don't give a **** what I look like, I hope I can spend the rest of the day like this !

[Maria 60]

For me it's if I know I have a day coming to myself, and I wait and wait and plan on what I am going to wear and what I am going to do. Then finally the time comes and I dress and think I look my best and then I stop "now what" all dressed and no where to go.

[Katey888]

Laura - I think many will echo those thoughts and feelings... :hugs:

For those of us who only can or only want to dress occasionally, the roller-coaster runs in the background to normal life so I think Adriana's closing comment is a sage one... "Enjoy the ride.." :cheer:

If you can worry less about changing the things you can't, focus on the areas that perhaps you could, and then find a way to convince yourself to enjoy the whole process of anticipation and planning (I think I wrote about this a while back...) then the good feelings are spread over a longer period and a variety of activities... It just makes everything more enjoyable and it should be fun! :D

Katey x

[Amylou2014]

Hello Laura,

I'm a GG, and I watch my husband deal with this over and over. I always give him tons of compliments but not matter what I say it's always a "roller coaster".

My thought behind it is, and I always tell my husband this as well, it's just another struggle being a female.

I look in the mirror everyday and sometimes it's "ok I look good" 15 mins later it's "why did I put this on" , "I look fat", "why does my face look like that today", "girrr my hairs a mess", "ewww theses shorts fit like two days ago wtf", and so on and so forth.

There is always room for improvement however don't be to hard on yourself.

[Ally 2112]

Even thou i do and have learned to try to accept my crossdressing i still have that rollercoaster of emotions at times and i have been doing this a long time .So you are not alone Laura just take it as it is and try to enjoy it if possible !

[CynthiaD]

So you look like a guy in a dress. Is a guy in a dress something to be ashamed of? Or is it something to be proud of? You tell me.

Some GG's look like a guy in a dress. Is that something to be ashamed of? I don't think so.

I'd rather be an ugly old woman than a young handsome man. (I've been both.)

Don't worry about things you can't change. Dress well. Dress in a way that says you're proud of yourself. Try to look the best you can with what you've got. And be proud of it.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I'm surprised none of our GGs have responded. I suspect that every one of them has looked in the mirror and thought "That's not what I wanted to see!"

Oh lord, Amanda, don't get me started on the mornings when my littlest hasn't slept well. Mirrors are the enemy!! lol. I assume though, that the roller coaster spoken of here is because crossdressing is something built up and built up, much like a wedding day, and when it doesn't go exactly to plan (does it ever??) then the disappointment and shame sinks in.

At least a crossdresser gets to try again. Brides...not so much!! Well, not unless you're Liz Taylor :)

[LelaK]

Then finally the time comes and I dress and think I look my best and then I stop "now what" all dressed and no where to go.
Keep praying for where to go and eventually an answer might come to you. My prayers usually get answered, I think.

My roller coaster doesn't include shame. Maybe mine is a bit boring ride. It doesn't go real high and doesn't go very low. The lows are just disappointment that I don't look better or that I don't go higher.

[Badwolf]

Oh lord, Amanda, don't get me started on the mornings when my littlest hasn't slept well. Mirrors are the enemy!! lol. I assume though, that the roller coaster spoken of here is because crossdressing is something built up and built up, much like a wedding day, and when it doesn't go exactly to plan (does it ever??) then the disappointment and shame sinks in.

At least a crossdresser gets to try again. Brides...not so much!! Well, not unless you're Liz Taylor :)

Tinkerbell, I always love your perspective, and I think you hit a lot of it right on the nose. I've had the "nowhere to go" feeling many times, and it took my SO saying that once when our plans changed after someone we knew was ready and she said that GG's feel that way. It was one of the things that she just COULDN'T see from my perspective for quite a while.

[Laura J]

Thanks for the comments everyone. Everyone has their own battles.

I am something of a perfectionist, just not good at being perfect. I don't want to be a good looking woman, average or ugly would do..

[Alice Torn]

Laura, Yes! I can sure relate. perfectionist here too, and one reason i hardly ever, ever go out, besides being six foot six in pantyhose feet! A very wise old man on some late night radio, has said, of any compulsion, or addiction. " Every high, is a new low."

[Christen]

You know, I used to feel exactly as you describe but lately it seems Christen and I are more comfortable with each other (this sounds weird!). Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's so many years of ups and downs, and thinking too much, dunno, but my roller coaster has had the really scary bits taken out. Hmm, a not so scary ride for those with a Seniors Card.

Christen x

[Kate Simmons]

If you truly believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything you want to and we are really only limited by our own imagination. :battingeyelashes::)

[Jenny Doolittle]

Roller coaster ride for sure....... the only question for me is, "DO I want a back car or front car for the ride!"

[SO1Adam12]

I'm surprised none of our GGs have responded. I suspect that every one of them has looked in the mirror and thought "That's not what I wanted to see!"

Amanda you took the words right out of my mouth. As a GG with a curvy figure I see cute outfits all the time that I hope will work on my figure. I can't begin to count the times I have left the dressing room in complete frustration because I just couldn't make it work or realized I went up a size and end up going home with nothing. This seems to happen, without fail when I need an outfit for a specific occasion, have something and mind, and when I try it on it just won't work.

I can pass along a tip or two - shapewear really does help. The downside is it gets hot. Also, different bras can completely change your profile. I have certain bras I wear with certain out fits. If I wear bra B with outfit A it doesn't look as good as bra A does. Even with brest forms that don't change shape the way real breasts do, the bras all sit differently in your chest.

Unfortunately or fortunately depending on your attitude and level of self-acceptance, no matter how you feel on the inside you are a male body in a an article of clothing designed for a woman's physique. Yes, there is a fraction of men who can pass - usually very slight frame, and probably look better in a dress than I do! The rest of us, and I mean the GG's as well as CDers who aren't 5'9", 115 lbs. with legs that go on forever need to accept our bodies and do the best we can with what we have.

[Coping2014]

I'm surprised none of our GGs have responded. I suspect that every one of them has looked in the mirror and thought "That's not what I wanted to see!"

Amanda M.

Actually the first time my husband and I went shopping we went out to have lunch (us alone on a date - doesn't happen often). We were visiting and conversation went towards me and not wanting to shop and about his first experience trying things on - he found several things to try and I made him go into the dressing room and try them on. I'm a bit of a cheapsake and didn't want to spend money on things I knew wouldn't work. He only purchased one of the MANY items he took in there. He asked me about how I knew this would happen. Well I'm on the overweight side (for most of my life) and I HATE shopping even more I HATE trying on clothes - for me this has been the case MANY TIMES and even when I do find something that fits I don't like how it looks on. It is actually a very emotional issue for me and one I have had to deal with seeing my husband being able to buy things that I can't (not really jealous but just envious I guess).

What shocked me was that he never knew how I felt he was always a bit annoyed when we did go shopping before cuz I need an outfit for say a funeral or something. I would take FOREVER finding something I was happy with - WELL now he knows - It's not a fun feeling either but it was really nice to discuss it - I guess that is something that I do LOVE about the CDing is how we can talk to one another. Now by that I don't mean as girlfriends - I DON"T like the whole other persona thing - but my husband has a more emotional side and he is easier to talk about things and listens more and just lets me vent sometimes instead of that natural male impulse to FIX IT.

Anyway back to the rollercoaster - I wanted to add I see some of you saying you wane back and forth on your own acceptance - PLEASE remember this when your SO may do the same. Something that we may have been ok with in the begining may become something that we aren't OK with anymore (note to hubby- I'm not speaking about anything specific just what we discussed a few weeks back - being flexible and open to how we feel in the moment). We aren't doing it on purpose but just like you our emotions about this whole things can vary. We are trying to be patient with you so please reciprocate and do the same for us.



Coping2014

[Krisi]

I realize that I do not look like a female movie star, but then angain, most genetic women don't either.

I have no idea what you look like or what you have to work with, but what I do is try to improve what I see in the mirror and in photographs. This is not something you can do overnight, it takes a while.

Many CDers try to dress like a hooker with ultra short skirts, six inch heels, heavy makeup, etc. You're not going to pull that off. Try dressing like a normal woman your age. Study how women walk, sit, hold their hands, etc. Wear lipstick and just enough makeup to cover your beard.

My point is, if you're six feet tall and two hundred pounds, you'll have to dress like a six foot tall two hundred pound woman to actually look female.

[shelly1]

I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel the same way some days. I hope I get over it soon.

[Amanda L.]

Roller coasters are fun, exciting, scarey, fast, slow and punishing on the body. So yes these are the same adjectives i would use to describe my CD experiences. Once upon a time I would wish it would go away and then when ithe urge did I would wish it to come back.
Think of the 'Nevers' we have told ourselves and how many of those Nevers have we stayed true to.
For example
Never do makeup
Never wear a wig/forms
Never present fully as a woman
Never take a female name
Never join a forum
Never post on a forum
Never put a picture up
You get the point. This Rollercoaster ride is full of surprises brought about by the challenges that our inner girls keep throwing at us. The other thing is, Rollercoaster rides do stop. You can either get on and go again or get off and find another ride that suits. Are you content with the same familiar ride or do you seek something more thrilling, challenging and perhaps deeply confronting.
I think about this a bit
Luv
Amanda

[lydialeighTNCD]

I think I look dang cute in the camera on my phone. Certain lightings and angles. And friends even say that I'm passable. But in the mirror, I'm not sure how true that is. I don't think I look at all like what my camera is capturing. I have pretty broad shoulders. which I feel is an automatic tell. Although I do think I have great legs. But most of the time, those pictures that I take are enough for me. And maybe my friends' comments ARE true.

[flatlander_48]

You know, I used to feel exactly as you describe but lately it seems Christen and I are more comfortable with each other (this sounds weird!). Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's so many years of ups and downs, and thinking too much, dunno, but my roller coaster has had the really scary bits taken out. Hmm, a not so scary ride for those with a Seniors Card.

Christen x

I think this is an important point. Age does have many curses, but it also creates many freedoms. If we are lucky, with age we develop perspective. We may not be quite so given to the wild swings in activities and thoughts that we believed were just SO important. We manage to shave off a bit of the peaks and fill in a bit of the valleys. Makes things A LOT EASIER!!

65.75yo

[Gigi9]

I think life was more of a roller-coaster when I used to purge my closet and hide cross dressing from myself. "Oh that was a one off thing." I'd say to myself and throw all that stuff away. I finally decided I liked who I am and dressing is part of it. It took a while but my SO was introduced to that side of me and now my closet is bigger than hers. It is funny but she asks my advice about clothes now, and listens, since we share my dressing. She can also save my bacon too when I try to be too young or too much of a trollop. I guess the roller-coaster has become just who we are. I hope you find that peaceful place too. Best Gigi

[Teresa]

It's probably too late to comment but Tinkerbell imagined the rollercoaster description different to the way it was for me, the highs were more obvious the low was more like a black hole which on one occasion I nearly didn't come out of !

Coping's shopping trip comments do make sense, my wife hates clothes shopping she doesn't have a bad figure but at 5' 1" she struggles with the right length, if she looks in petite the length may be right but the body fit is too tight !
The last time we went shopping, I was looking for drab, as we passed the ladies section I did comment that if I was starting from scratch I wouldn't know where to start !

[PegyL]

The time comes for all of us when our youth vanishes and reality looks back at us from the mirror. Then our pleasures are dressing for our own satisfaction. All things end in life. PegyL

[PegyL]

If I looked as beautiful as you I would live my life so happy, PegyL

[PegyL]

some day all of us will be together in cd land and we can love to our hearts content, PegyL

[Stephanie47]

I think one of the best cures for your feelings is a trip to the mall or grocery store. Look at the women, the natural women. Are they the radiant beautiful creatures you strive to be? Probably not? I always see women without makeup, hair out of place, clothes thrown together, etc. Some are overweight. Some are skinny, flat as a board. It's life. The mirror may be your first enemy. I am a six foot male and 190 pounds. Up close and personal I look like a six foot male and 190 pounds. Stand back from a full length mirror with no point of reference for my size, I am passable. I'm not Barbie. Of course, a wig helps immensely. My hair or what is left of it is grey. I don't bother with makeup. It's too time consuming. I am clean shaven. I feel comfortable.

Of course, if you're (the universal you) are not comfortable being a male to female cross dresser, that is a different issue. When I was young I probably could pass as a tall woman. However, I felt I was a pervert because that is what 1950's and 1960's societal beliefs were. There was a lot of self loathing. It took years to finally accept the fact I am a nice guy with a little quirk. Don't try to mold yourself into the body of the woman you will never be. Accept yourself.

[Stacy Lyn]

I have all of these feelings as well, nice to know I'm not al8ne but troubled well seem to have the same issues with accepting ourselves.

[charlenesomeone]

So you look like a guy in a dress. Is a guy in a dress something to be ashamed of? Or is it something to be proud of? You tell me.

Some GG's look like a guy in a dress. Is that something to be ashamed of? I don't think so.

I'd rather be an ugly old woman than a young handsome man. (I've been both.)

Don't worry about things you can't change. Dress well. Dress in a way that says you're proud of yourself. Try to look the best you can with what you've got. And be proud of it.
The best way it can be said nothing to add, right on Cynthia XX

[sometimes_miss]

It's, well, not so much a roller coaster; more like a jitney bus, going from one part of town to another, to what feels more like 'home'. There's always a feeling of being in the wrong role, the wrong clothes, when I'm in 'boy' mode. It all feels like an act, and it often is, as I'm careful not to express anything feminine when I'm out in public.

[autera24]

i agree with you laura j you are so much right, i have the same experience

[Betty IA]

Speaking of roller-coasters :) I finally had some time Saturday and think I went up and down three times!

My GF and I went out in public, in daylight, for the first time while I was dressed. Definitely up! I was sooooo excited to put on a new outfit. The skirt was (very slightly) too short because of my height but I didn't care. My legs are one thing I have that can pass. I put on eye makeup alone for the first time. Then I looked at it, took it all off, and did it better the second time :)

I was terrified stepping out the door and in the car. Definitely down. K asked me why I was so uptight and I reminded her that if we ran into someone I know, things could go very badly at work (since I am a teacher). Small town conservatives see everything gender/alt. lifestyle related as corruption of their children -- the same children who watch violence and porn on their devices unsupervised at home.

We were out of town by 30 miles but strangely that wasn't enough.

After about an hour I calmed down a bit and we took some pics. Up. I felt better and was able to realize just how comfortable I am in softer, lighter clothing. (No, I am not at the point of sharing pics yet.) Then we went to Lane Bryant and did some shopping for jeans. I couldn't bring myself to try anything on. It was so very difficult to not think everyone looking was judging me. Down.

When we returned home I saw the pics on computer instead of on my phone. From the waist down - heck, everything except my obviously very manly face didn't bother me -- even the wig which I thought looked terrible in the mirror didn't look as bad in the pics even though it is a cheapie I got online. Lose 30 pounds around the middle and a face lift and maybe... Up? Sorta?

I've never felt ashamed about dressing when I get the chance. I do notice that with the amount of effort I take in shaving etc. it has to be planned in advance. And since I have to spend so much time getting ready I have put off dressing sometimes until I feel I could do it comfortably and have several hours to stay dressed. I mean, what's the point of doing 4 hours of prep work shaving, makeup, nails, brushing out wigs, etc. if I can only get dressed for an hour as a result? I guess my mind isn't able to accept the one hour for what it is - I feel wonderful when I am Betty but am always dreading having to put everything away until next time.

I want a three day weekend all to myself or with K there so I can stay dressed the entire weekend - no work, no other commitments. You know, actually tape the forms to my chest and leave them there! Sadly those times are rare.

I also do get a little perturbed if my SO doesn't make a big deal out of the results (she is very much in favor of my dressing, just passive in all things). I've kind of flipped that one on its head. If it takes her 2 hours to get ready for a night out, imagine what it takes me!

She should be happy since I am no longer stealing her lip and nail colors. :)