How is, "Don't ask don't tell", working for u?

[docrobbysherry]

For those that don't know: My daughter moved in with me full time a year and a half ago. This after 15 years of my being able to dress care and guilt free because I knew I had the house all to myself. After she moved in I began sneaking around and nearly got caught more than once. Dressing soon became anything but relaxed for me!

So, I told her about a year ago. She disapproves and we have developed a don't ask, don't tell policy. She doesn't ever want to talk about my dressing or see me dressed. As a result I still feel the need to dress without her knowing when possible. For longer sessions I must tell her so she can schedule her day accordingly. These "discussions" always involve little discourse and a lot of eye rolling on her part!:brolleyes:

This evening I found myself dressed in my bedroom looking out the window often for her car. I was in the shower before she arrived. But, I hate the stress of trying to dress while she's out and squeezing my sessions in before she gets back!:sad:

Anyone having better results with their, Don't ask, don't tell? Suggestions MUCH APPRECIATED!:thumbsup:

[mariehart]

Your house your rules. I'm not sure why your daughter is back with you but I honestly don't see why she should decide what you do in the privacy of your own home.

[Kate Simmons]

Even so you must evidently enjoy your Daughter's company or she wouldn't be there. If it's out of necessity for one reason or the other, it's still your place and your life, no?:)

[Deedee Skyblue]

It IS your house, doc, and Sherry lives there too. At this point in your life, you deserve the right to do what you want with your life.

Deedee

[Rachel292]

I'm in a similar situation. my son's relationship recently broke down with his partner so he's been forced to move back in with me. Basically he's not accepting. Dadt at best at the moment. Hope he improves with time. Told him Sunday 2 weeks ago. He Told my sister = I now have bigger problems with her. She cant accept it at all.. However he came home unexpected yesterday,forgot his tie for his work. Came back and by then I was dressed. Avoided each other as I warned him through a closed door. But I know the situation will not continue like that indefinitely. it's only been a couple of weeks and I'm not pushing the situation yet. But he's living in my house so will need resolving soon. I've got a meeting with my gp's psychology support team tomorrow. hope then to be in a better state of mind and can see a clear way ahead.

[CarlaWestin]

Your house your rules. I'm not sure why your daughter is back with you but I honestly don't see why she should decide what you do in the privacy of your own home.

I'm sorta' in this camp but, I really don't know the full dynamic.

As to your question about how DADT is working, well, with my wife and I, I'll have to say,
1) It's better to have disclosed and not hide my stuff and activity, you know, you have to steal time like you're having an affair and, that ain't right.
2) There truly isn't any real DADT. With every hint of my activity, I get a comment.

Now, the wife and I have been fortunate and our house is large enough that we each have a generous suite of rooms for personal space. There's also an understanding that I'll be 'playing dress up', usually in the mornings, most days. DRS, I've perceived from your fabulous postings that you are of comfortable financial means. I might be wrong. Could the living arrangement be adjusted? Could you afford her her own place? Is there a guest house? Gosh! I know if I moved my 'almost 30 something' daughter in with me, She'd probably love seeing both of me.

Good luck to you. Seem's like it's never a smooth road with this stuff.

[Krisi]

I agree with thye others. It's your house, your daughter needs to allow you to do what you want to do (within reason). Her other choice is to find a place of her own.

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with thye others. It's your house, your daughter needs to allow you to do what you want to do (within reason). Her other choice is to find a place of her own.

Yes, it's my house and my rules. But, the fact that she resents Sherry puts me off. I'm still dealing with crossdressing guilt. This only adds to it!

She moved in full time with me because my ex planned to move out of state. I expect her to be here for at least another year while she attends the local college. And, longer if she transfers to a nearby one.

She doesn't want to, and I believe she's too immature, to live on her own. I don't want to kick her out. She IS my daughter after all.

[CONSUELO]

I sympathise with your situation. I have a daughter who does not live at home and who, to my knowledge, does not know that I cross dress. I often wonder how I would cope if put into your situation.
One suggestion might be to see if she would be willing to sit with you and an experienced counsellor to find out the root cause of her refusal to accept you as Sherry. It could be that she is not so much turned off by cross dressing but by some deep and possibly irrational fear of what it implies for her. At the very least it might provide a neutral and safe place to air feelings.
I do hope that you find a solution to this as I am sure you love your daughter and would not want to continue with so much tension.
Sorry if my attempt to offer advice is too feeble.

[trishacd]

I have never told my kids i dress.I dont know how they would take it.
I think when your daughter moves you be a lot more relaxed.I think a lot of us girls know the feeling of "OH SHIT SOMEBODY IS HOME" . Dressing totally relaxes me.I wear at least panties 24/7 but i dont feel so relaxed when im all made up and someone pops in.I guess is part of being a gurl.
Take care
Trisha

[ReineD]

Sherry, could you tell her exactly what you're telling us?

You might explain that you are happy to comply with her preference to not see you, but that it puts you on pins and needles when she is gone ... you cannot relax because you are constantly looking out for her car. You might also explain that although you understand her disapproval, you could do without the lectures and eye rolling. You are, after all, an adult and you understand your own needs much better than her or anyone else.

You might say there are many people who are like you, it is not an aberration nor is it a sickness, and there are lots of resources available on line for those who care to learn more about the crossdressing.

http://crossdressersociety.com/crossdressing-faq
http://www.chi-chapter.org/chi_chapter_perspective.html
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sexandrelationships/transvesticism.htm
http://www.tri-ess.org/docs/cd01.html

So until she learns more and becomes more comfortable with the idea that you do crossdress (she still wouldn't have to see you if she doesn't want to), you would appreciate receiving a text message about 30 minutes before she comes home, to give you the chance to change and put the things away. You both share the house and you both have equal rights to live in peace.

[NicoleScott]

Doc, I think it's good of you to take your daughter's view of your dressing into consideration. It may be your house, but if she lives there, it's her home, too.

I remember my totally stealth days of my first marriage, looking out the window and keeping an ear alert for the sound of her returning. But that was different than DADT, where she (wife/daughter/parent...) knows you crossdress but doesn't want to see it. It seems to me that retreating to your private space and locking the door until your session is finished is a better alternative to constantly looking over your shoulder. After all, she knows but doesn't want to see, so the burden of NOT seeing should be shared. She should know about your private time and space and respect it, without going into the eyeball-rolling details she doesn't want to hear. Maybe you can come up with a signal that when you need your private time and space, SHE can retreat to HER private space.

[CONSUELO]

Doc,
One comment you made started me thinking again. You said you are still dealing with cross dressing guilt. This is an issue that many of us feel and it is emotionally corrosive. Her behavior toward you must be exacerbating those feelings and that is not good.

[Lorileah]

She doesn't want to, and I believe she's too immature, to live on her own. I don't want to kick her out. She IS my daughter after all.

Nuff said. You are following the "Your house your rules" and your rules include making her happy. There ya go

[ptp009]

:)same problem wife supportive to a degree, knows I occationally goes out, but at home can wear some clothes. News: Daughter needs a place to live, moves in, not a supportive person so conservative at 30 would not understand.

It comes to a point where she needs to get a place of her own so my wife and I get breathing room. Time has come Fly little birdie!!!!! She's gone by August 1st. Don't be sucked up in the daughters life its good your there when your kids need you, but you need to have a life too!!

[DonnaT]

It's understandable that you want to make things easier for your daughter, but when she gets out in the real world, what will she know?

She could very much end up falling in love (unknowingly) with a cross dresser. How will she handle it?

Seems like y'all should sit down and discuss such a possibility, and that she might be able to handle such a situation if she got to know more about your situation.

Question is, can you ease her into being more accepting/tolerant? Like dressing simply in a skirt around the house, then easing it up a notch to a little more attire.

[Princess Grandpa]

My son and his family moved in with us this past year. He and his wife know about my dressing. I still don't dress when they are around unless I'm hiding in my room. Not because I fear disapproval, although I suspect some discomfort the first few times, but because I don't want to have a discussion about this with my granddaughter.

Typically if I find myself with the house to myself, I ask him to let me know when he's on the way home. Usually he forgets until he's almost home but I'm working on that part. Perhaps you could ask her to let you know as she is coming home so that you don't have to stress so hard?

Miss you! Julie says hi and *HUG*

Hug
Rita

[Teresa]

Sherry I'm sorry your dressing has taken a backward step, I can understand a partner not approving but I would have thought a daughter of her age would have been far more forgiving. What are her objections to your dressing ? I think she should be more tolerant as she will be moving out at some point in the future, she shouldn't really interfere with how you choose to live your life ! You should be able to tell how much it's stressing you !
My daughter knows and she's OK with it !

[NancyJ]

Hi Sherry, I am in a DADT relationship with my wife. It sucks. Her disapproval and lack of acceptance of this important part of me is built into DADT and it hurts me every day. My guess ys that your choice to honor this policy with your daughter is similar to why I concede to this for my wife. It is an act of love for us to honor their wish to not be involved or see this aspect of us. We could push this with our loved ones, but that is very risky. My guess is that you no more want to lose your daughter than I want to lose my wife. DADT is far less than ideal. It is a choice, a concession, a sacrifice, an act of love--and it is hard. Nancy

[kimdl93]

I think you're handling it pretty well. Sure, a little irritation and frustration at opportunities lost. Now, I also think that your daughter needs to broaden her horizons a bit and realize that even those of us who are not totally vanilla are also contributing members of society, capable of helping others and living very meaningful lives. Could she even begin to imagine all that you have been able to experience as Sherry?

[Ashley Wray]

I have a similar situation where my brother had to move in. He also found a couple things and I asked if he saw them and said yes he basically said its your business and enough said. With that being said I feel better he knows but when I feel like dressing I just let him know or check when he is going out And ask that he take his time like a couple hours or so. But I also tell him to make sure he calls when he is on his way home. Cause it's my house and I got tired of trying to sneak around. now I just say I need some me time and why don't you go hang out with a friend for a few hours. I know it was a lot better when I was alone in the house but he is having a tough time so I try to make the best of it. Thing is its your house and your sharing but everyone needs some me time and that is all I feel I need to say that way it's not so in there face. And even though its my house if he asked for me time I would accommodate where I can because I understand.

[Lynn Marie]

Personally I'd rather die than have to live under a DADT situation. It just seems like trying to dance with someone with an elephant between you! For me, intimacy is life itself. Nothing else will ever suffice.

[Mollyanne]

Oh boy!!!!! yeah, you have a problem or 2 but not unsolvable (to some degree). Yes, she is your daughter, yes, this is your house, yes, there are your "rules" so to speak but maybe, just maybe there is a compromise here. How about this: when she's out she "could" call you when she's coming home. This would give you some time to "change". Not perfect, but it could work to some degree. How about "underdressing"??????

You mentioned that you are still dealing with "guilt". I think we all deal with that in one form or another and/or degree. I have accepted the fact that I LIKE to portray myself as a female and wear the clothes associated with being a woman. I just feel more comfortable, at ease, and overall just have a more mellow feeling. My wife knows and we don't ask nor do we tell, but I don't flaunt it either. She and I have talked about my dressing and about "when, where, why and how much" and have come to an understanding w/regard to her feelings and mine as well. Its not perfect but it works.

I sincerely hope that an understanding between you and your daughter will become a livable compromise. I know the following will seem contrite, but she will not be there forever even though it may seem like it.

Have faith doc, have faith!!!!!!

Molly

[CarlaWestin]

Personally I'd rather die than have to live under a DADT situation.

You mean as in, like, really dead? That just sounds sadly suicidal or just impulsively misspoken.

[natcrys]

Had a few relationships in my early twenties.. and they knew. The break-up reasons was always something not related to crossdressing.

If I get into a new relationship.. DADT will absolutely be a deal killer. There are many things up for negotiating... but this ain't of them.

[MsVal]

Wow, I can identify with that.

Two of my adult children live at home. Both in their mid-30s, my son has yet to leave, my daughter has a child, a failed relationship, and came back home over a year ago. My son works the afternoon shift, and my daughter works the day shift. We care for our grandchild while she is gone. My other adult children live nearby and are likely to walk in to their old home at any time. I made a promise to my wife that I would not tell the children and the crossdressing would not come into the bedroom. Only my wife, therapist, and doctor know (and, of course, thousands of other crossdressers).

I don't know how you are going to handle this Doc, I don't know how to handle my own.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Alice B]

I agree that it is your house and your rules. Let's talk about it next week when I come up.

[Lynn Marie]

You mean as in, like, really dead? That just sounds sadly suicidal or just impulsively misspoken.

Hi Carla, yeah, like really dead! Happily I don't live in any kind of DADT situation and I truly feel sorry for those who do. I've been free to live and do as I please for at least 3 years now. I have fabulous girlfriends of both the GG and the trans variety. I lived with a woman whom I didn't really like for years. I'm never going back to such and awful life. I'm so thankful for the life I'm able to live today. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

[Sarah Doepner]

Sherry, could you tell her exactly what you're telling us?

You might explain that you are happy to comply with her preference to not see you, but that it puts you on pins and needles when she is gone ... you cannot relax because you are constantly looking out for her car. You might also explain that although you understand her disapproval, you could do without the lectures and eye rolling. You are, after all, an adult and you understand your own needs much better than her or anyone else.

You might say there are many people who are like you, it is not an aberration nor is it a sickness, and there are lots of resources available on line for those who care to learn more about the crossdressing.

http://crossdressersociety.com/crossdressing-faq
http://www.chi-chapter.org/chi_chapter_perspective.html
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sexandrelationships/transvesticism.htm
http://www.tri-ess.org/docs/cd01.html

So until she learns more and becomes more comfortable with the idea that you do crossdress (she still wouldn't have to see you if she doesn't want to), you would appreciate receiving a text message about 30 minutes before she comes home, to give you the chance to change and put the things away. You both share the house and you both have equal rights to live in peace.

I don't have much to add to that, Reine pretty much has her finger on the situation. The crossdressing guilt you are feeling is partially your projection of how you see your daughter reacting. That guilt will only go away with her leaving the house or better understanding your situation, whether or not she accepts it. It sounds like there is a little work to do, but like so many other things I've seen you go through, I believe you are up to the challenge.