I don't feel like a woman

[Bryn]

When I first went to see my therapist I thought this would work differently.
I guess I had the idea that it would be more like a diagnosis: I'd see her for as long as needed, talk about how I "feel", and at some point she'd be able to tell me that I either have GID or I don't.
Obviously it doesn't really work that way. After 7 sessions I told her that I wanted to start hormones, and the next session she simply told me that she didn't see any reason not to give me my letter.
I know that HRT is far from a point of no return, but I still found myself going between joy and panic over the past week.

The thing is, I just don't feel like I am a woman. I've asked myself whether I am a man or a woman- psychologically, on the inside, or whatever- a thousand times and I have no answer. To me, it seems like such a ridiculous question. I'm myself and I feel like myself. I don't have a strong internal sense or an objective measure of being either, so I'll never know the answer. I'm frustrated because now I understand that no one can validate this for me. That concept might have come up a thousand times already here but it really is just now starting to sink in for me...

I really hate being a man. I don't want to be a man. But does that mean I'm a woman? I've believed before that I think like a woman, and do certain things like a woman, but even if those were verifiable facts and not beliefs they wouldn't mean that I'm a woman either. I know that I've gone most of my life pretending to be someone that I'm not, but I'm sure that's not something that's limited to the world of transsexuals and I've been pretty insecure too (did I mention that it doesn't mean I'm a woman?).

Last time I was talking to my therapist, a past relationship came up. She asked me how I felt about being in a relationship knowing that my body was "wrong". Huh? I have some strong feelings about having the body I have, but I'm not sure I can empathize with literally thinking "hmm this should be there and that shouldn't be here", if that's even what she meant. Honestly, if I was being myself all the time I'd stroll outside looking exactly as I do now- except with probably less hair, different clothes, and a little makeup on. But that's not really an option, is it? And that means that my reasons have to do with other people as much or more than any sense of my identity right?

So maybe I'm just a gender-confused crossdresser that hates being a man so much that I ended up here. I really don't know. It's just maddening to me to have gone off and gotten the best help I can get right now, only to realize that I'm back at square one with my thinking. I still have a very long ways to go I guess... I just don't know what I could do that could make me understand better. Or if I'll ever be able to identify myself to anyone else with any authority. I guess to sum it up I can't help thinking that these feelings (or lack thereof) indicate that I'm on the wrong path.

[PretzelGirl]

To me, it sounds like you and your therapist aren't on the same page. I would strongly consider another therapist if you aren't agreeing with this one and the first discussion would be possibly putting the hormones on the back burner. If this therapist is giving you a small dose to see how you feel, it would be one thing. But I don't see you saying that.

It is not a bad thing to try someone else. It is very important to be able to sync up with your therapist and if you are feeling you are on the wrong path, I would do something about it.

[Aprilrain]

if I was being myself all the time I'd stroll outside looking exactly as I do now- except with probably less hair, different clothes, and a little makeup on. But that's not really an option, is it

Why is this not an option?

[I Am Paula]

You've asked a bunch of armchair quarterbacks some pretty deep questions. So you'll get a lot of opinions.

HRT is actually a very good diagnostic tool. (check the SOC) You can try it. Your mind will tell you very quickly if it's not for you.

IMHO if you have GD, you will know it. It's hard to ignore that big a monkey.

Hating being a man is not criteria for becoming a woman.

Aprilrain is right. Why not present as a woman for a while?

Your therapist is there to guide you to making your own descisions. This includes HRT, whether you have GD (It doesn't show up in blood tests), and whether transition is right for you. Her offering you your readiness letter does not mean she had made a diagnosis. It means she believes you are capable of making an informed descision.

[Frances]

Thank you for you extreme honesty, Bryn. Yes, you are covering areas that a lot of post-transitional people have brought up (me included), but your words almost seem taboo from people starting out the process. I don't know why, as it's super important. GID is debilitating unhappiness about your gender identity (clinically). Anyone who sees a specialised therapist has GID. You do. You are unhappy about being a man. It does not mean you should transition. It sounds like you were hoping the therapist would tell you to transition. A lot of people express that wish on this site, a lot of them. That has to come from the patient/client. The point of therapy is to have the patient explore issues and observe him/her over time to confirm the intensity. You don't feel it now, but you may later. It's really of question of intensity. Transition needs to happen when the intensity of the transsexualism is such that life becomes too hard (as least as far as the official medicalization is concerned). In other words, when it comes debilitating and you are unable to function.

Like April said, you can be a feminine man. It may be harder in Texas, but you can say you are in a band or something.

This thread should be pinned at the top of the forum.

[GabbiSophia]

Let's see i am pretty sure I have said about the same except I don't hate being a man. With that said though I know how you feel. Opinions will come hard and fast but i can tell you from my experience ... just give yourself time... live life..don't over think it (it will drive you nuts...look at me )... i have also thought about switching therapist but i realized she wasn't the issue I am... be patient which I know is impossible but try. Do not label yourself or allow other people to do it.

There is a post about being normal around here. It's a good read

[noeleena]

Hi.

Ill come at this quite differently thats because im different and see things very differently ,

i never had to make my mind up as to what i am or think about myself i knew and it was part of who i am as a person , and how i was born ,
yes for some people and maybe you there is a conflict ....of what am i..... well i cant answer that only you can and dont think some one else can tell you ether ,

How im hard wired is as a normal female some of my hormones are allso female and that has helped me as well ,and my body was not shaped like a male in all aspects so i did not have to think i have the wrong body in fact in must details its right or i should say was ,

i did not change from male to female or other way because im a mix of both , and i,v had corrective surgerys when you get to know your self and ...who ...you are you wont need to ? any thing about those details that your asking right now ,

you see its allready programed in your mind and body , from birth all you need is to allow your self time to let whats locked away a chance to surface then you will know, you have the key,s to unlock your mind and only you ,

I know some will think im nuts or even way off the deep end thats okay i dont mind , fact is you have to open your self up and... thats..... the way it is,

i could tell you my history ,it wont do you much good, just because im a female does not mean im better its just some of us are born with some of what we need and some of us are not complete , im not yet im still female just the same, oh and by the way im not a feminine looking woman so we all dont have the beauty many females have,

And dont think being a or like a woman makes life easyer for some its very hard , and comes with a high price, my take on this is ,

If you think you have what is needed to be like a woman and can live as one make sure that its right for you, meds and surgerys are for life and Mentaly ,Psychologically and Emotionally,is not a walk in the park youll be pushed to the limit as many have found out ,

i know what its like even though i was born female there were details i had to go through, try being in ...HELL...for 8 years , and after i then was able to.... GROW.... into a woman .....

so thats just a little bit you may find worth thinking about . or not , i wish you all the best how ever you go ,

...noeleena...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I also appreciate your honesty. YOu are well served to be patient.

Like you, I felt the whole thing was ridiculous. Like you, I was depressed and unhappy about being "stuck" as a man. I looked at my wishes to be female as a fantasy (I was told this by a therapist 25 years ago)...I didn't hate my body or my life(later I realized this was all just a lie I told myself for 40 years)

My GID came into my life unbidden. It creeped in and I really didn't notice it until my wife asked for a divorce ... she said I had become distant and I was uninterested in bed for years...strangely enough, I really didn't even notice..THATS HOW OUT OF IT I WAS!!!... and when it became a conscious thing, it got very bad and I started going to a very dark(and unacceptable) place in my mind..

I worked for over year with my therapist and much of my time was spent trying to convince her I was not a transsexual which developed over time into an idea that I really "wanted" to transition but was afraid that it was a mistake and that I was not ts...
During that time it was evident my GID got worse and worse and I started HRT

... at the time I started I was sure I was going to transition, but I think to many people I claimed otherwise... once I started HRT I INSTANTLY knew it was the right thing... the simple of idea of changing my internal chemistry to female felt so incredibly good I can't over estimate it...in my layperson's opinion, this was my first real experience with congruence (outside of dressing)... I thought about that a lot, and what's more, my mind started to clear up on all the intangibles and I focused on the practical aspects of transition... and the more I did, the more congruence I felt...


so my "advice" is to try to get all the imponderables out of your process... think of this as a medical problem... you have GID...fix it.. one way to fix it is HRT.... another way to try is to get out there more and more..

I know that many ts women have a very strong knowledge of their femaleness... they have the benefit of more certainty about their nature and its really helpful because they don't have to worry about this stuff...
I was not so lucky but I worked through it... it took a lot of patience and a lot of effort... I felt terrible through much of the process and frankly it was so terrible I got to the point where all I could do to get out of bed was think about the future and my chance to transition...

[arbon]

I really don't have an opinion about you or good advice other than to continue exploring and talking about it with your therapist or even other therapists.

My own experience, though, was that I did hate being a man, thats really how my gd manifested the most. To the point where at times I would scream and hit myself because I hated what I was so much, and would be mad at myself for wanting to be a woman. I did not think that I was a woman inside, or feel like a woman, but I desperately wished I was a woman. It was confusing!!

I was very sick inside and eventually I could not keep living like that. I just couldn't, I fell apart.

Once I started transitioning there was something that happened, and it seemed to come rather easily and naturally. I started to think of myself as a woman, it was like thats the way it should have been all along but I just had not been able to let myself go there because of all the expectations and repression and fear of what that would mean. But once I did let myself go there it just came, how I thought and felt about myself changed.

I live a lot better with myself as a woman - I mean I don't hate myself anymore and I feel okay about who I am as a person. No more internal conflict about all that stuff. Things finally lined up they way they were supposed to. And now its weird because I can't think of myself as a man or even what it is like to be a man even though I spent most of my life living as one. Its kinda like he was never really there at all - it was still just me all that time, I was always her on the inside, just trying to be something I should not have been.

[becky77]

Bryn I think thats a really open and honest assessment and I see your issue. Not everyone is so sure, Kaitlyns response you should read and reread.
Who does know what it feels like to be a woman before they have tried living as a woman?
Growing up as a man, being taught to be a man and trying your hardest to be a man and be treated as a man. How can you know how it is to be a woman? without first being one, it's a little catch 22 and I would be suspicious of anyone who was so certain without having experienced what it is to be a woman.

I did not think that I was a woman inside, or feel like a woman, but I desperately wished I was a woman. It was confusing!!


Also, what is it to be a woman? Try not to think there is one type that all women adhere to, there are plenty of tomboys and blokey women out there that are still every inch a woman, then there are the really girly pink fluff women and all the varieties inbetween. Now if inside, at the core of your identity you are of mind a woman, however not a particularily feminine woman, it would be no wonder you are so confused.

I ask myself questions all the time, just coming on here brings up knew doubts especially when I hear of the absolute certainy some claim to have. Personally I think everyone is different with differing levels of GD or Transexualism. All I can say is that HRT helped me immensely, brought calm and took away a fair bit of wrongness, couple that to having real life experience and being able to express myself how I feel inside is kinda liberating, scary but liberating.
If it feels right is it right? How can you know if it feels right if you only sit and analyse it all the time, you just wrap yourself up in knots.
I'm not saying tell the world and transition, just try HRT see how you feel inside and also get yourself out there and experience life from a womans point of view, not a mans idea of a womans point of view.



I don't hate being a man.
That seems a very strange thing to say to me, I can't imagine considering transition without the unhappiness of being a man? If you can live content enough as a man never ever think of transition again.

[JohnH]

HRT is actually a very good diagnostic tool. (check the SOC) You can try it. Your mind will tell you very quickly if it's not for you.


HRT is the very best thing I have done in a very long time! I have been relieved from the testosterone-induced anxiety and suicidal thoughts. My wife even like me much better with my having HRT. After my being on HRT for awhile she told me before I started HRT she was contemplating leaving me. Now she really loves me and lets me know quite frequently that she loves me.


Honestly, if I was being myself all the time I'd stroll outside looking exactly as I do now- except with probably less hair, different clothes, and a little makeup on. But that's not really an option, is it? And that means that my reasons have to do with other people as much or more than any sense of my identity right?




Like April said, you can be a feminine man. It may be harder in Texas, but you can say you are in a band or something.

I live in Texas and I still go by the name of "John". However, I do have the breasts and hips of a genetic woman along with shoulder length hair. I wear lipstick and eye makeup for church and business. My speaking and singing voice is much deeper than the typical male.

And yes, I am in a band - I sing bass and play bass guitar in my church's band. The only person who teases me is my dear wife who tells me I am not a man.


Johanna Anna

[Bryn]

Why is this not an option?

Well it is, but it just seems unapproachable at this point in time. I crossdressed in public once as a "joke", but my current friends have never known me to be feminine in any way.

That said there's literally nothing stopping me from dressing up and going outside right now. It's just a scary situation that I haven't really faced yet.

[Dianne S]

Bryn,

Your post really struck a chord in me. I was going down the road to transition, even though I had some doubts. I started Spironolactone and within a week, I felt terrible. The suppression of testosterone made me really depressed. Within a couple of days of stopping Spiro, I felt much better.

So now I have put transition plans on hold. I know I'm somewhere in the transgender spectrum, but still not sure if I'm TS. I'm still doing laser hair removal, have had my ears pierced and have grown out my hair. My wife said I can dress as a woman whenever I want and even suggested I present female at work. So I do spend a lot of time dressed (though not at work...) and that has made me feel much better. I'm at a stable place where I feel happy and don't feel either compelled to transition or compelled to stop crossdressing.

Maybe in 6, 12, 24 months things will change and I'll be ready to transition, or maybe not. I think it's best to take things slowly and not make irreversible changes until you are truly ready.

Why don't you try laser or electrolysis, growing out your hair, and doing all the other little things you can to present female without making it completely impossible to present as male? Maybe that will make you feel better and it might be enough for you at this time.

[JohnH]

Why is this not an option?
Well it is, but it just seems unapproachable at this point in time. I crossdressed in public once as a "joke", but my current friends have never known me to be feminine in any way.

That said there's literally nothing stopping me from dressing up and going outside right now. It's just a scary situation that I haven't really faced yet.

Just make the changes gradually. If I started out as a man with a beard and short hair with a flat chest and straight sides along with a beer belly, and then the next day I shaved off the beard and wore a wig, breast forms, corset, and hip pads, people would think it was strange. In my case the changes to my figure came gradually along with my natural hair growing out.

The little episode below might calm your nerves - just don't dress and go walking publicly while intoxicated.

I have had to face getting put in the clink for public intoxication while wearing a dress. I drank a lot of wine and like an idiot I went for a walk. A couple of female cops arrested me after my failing a field sobriety test and took me to a county jail, where I stayed overnight until I was bailed out. When I was bailed out, I had to walk across the street to the bondsman's office wearing my civilian clothes - i.e., a floral dress, a purse, and a pair of women's sandals. When I call my wife to get me she told me she would come "as soon as I (meaning her) put my pants on".

At traffic court nothing was mentioned about my attire and I was fined $100. I showed up wearing standard men's clothes - this all was before going on HRT.

The world did not end with me - after this minor brush with the law I have vowed never to drink and drive. It would have been much worse if I were DUI (DWI).

MOTTO: In addition to Don't Drink and Drive, I add:

DON'T DRINK AND DRESS :)

Johanna Anna

[Frances]

It's a matter of confidence and self-affirmation, really. I saw old men with beards wearing sun-dresses this summer around town. It's actually ok to be excentric. Eventually the norm will broaden, as it did for women.

[Angela Campbell]

I guess I was the lucky one. I knew from childhood that I was really not a boy but a girl. So I spent most of my life hiding it in fear of being found out. I would occasionally dress a little and it was off and on.

When it was to the point where my health and life was almost completely gone, i had an event which let me actually see what I had to do. I didn't know how, and was terrified, but I knew. I found a therapist and she referred me to a specialist. I didn't want to admit to it but my mind was made up, and I knew that I was really going to transition. I felt like I was out of control, but still i just had to. My first words to my second therapist were, " I'm going to transition"

[Rachel Smith]

I am or was in the same boat as you and Kaitlyn in that I didn't hate my body though I did have a psychological hatred for myself. I just didn't feel like I fit in with the males when I was a boy or a man. It was sorta like putting your shoes on the wrong feet, they still fit but they don't feel good. When I first came out to my parents I told them I was a crossdresser and not to worry I wasn't gonna grow breasts or get anything rearranged below my waist. That was over 4 years ago now and how things have changed so patience is certainly required. Then I started HRT and spiro, they were like magic to me. Within a week or two I felt so much better about myself. Yes now I have breasts albeit "A" cups and I would gladly get SRS if I could afford it. I am telling you all this so you can see there are many stops on this journey. I would say if you get on the train to trannyville STOP when you feel satisfied. I myself have gotten off 3 times only to get back on. Some like Johanna don't get back on when they find their happy place and there is nothing wrong with that.

I was lucky in that I had/have my good friend Michelle who took me in and said she would love me whether I turned out to be a crossdresser, fully transitioned or somewhere in between. All she wanted was for me to be happy and I am that now. Would I be happier with SRS? I don't think I could be more happy then I am now I would just feel complete.

[Suzanne F]

I know how crazy it seems to consider living as a woman when no one has any clue . It has been over 18 months to get to being out to everyone except work in my day to day life. There are still a few family members back in Ky who don't know. This week has been a big leap forward in my macho friends finding out and seeing me. I would have never dreamed I could have come this far. I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. The world has not stopped and I am still breathing.
Suzanne

[sandra-leigh]

A lot of what you wrote sounds mighty familiar to me!


That said there's literally nothing stopping me from dressing up and going outside right now. It's just a scary situation that I haven't really faced yet.

Depending on where you are in Texas, there might be other members in your very city, who could help you get started going outside. You don't need to start anywhere your friends are likely to be.

What my gender therapist has always encouraged is to set aside labels, such as "transgender", "transsexual", "male", "female", and so on, and instead concentrate on how do you want to live ?

You hate being a man, and don't want to be a man? What does that mean to you?

Are there parts of your behavior that you are "putting on" or "acting out" in order to hide your differences from people? And you want to "drop the act" and be yourself? If so then are those covered-over behaviors or traits "inherently" feminine, or is your concern that if you let them be seen, they would possibly be interpreted as feminine and you are not prepared to be told "don't be so gay", or "you are acting like a sissy" or "quit acting like a woman" or "man up" or whatever, at a time when you consider yourself to be male? For example, if you loved children and that were known, some people might interpret it as you "acting like a woman", whereas with a marginal shift of context it could instead be interpreted as "You would make a really good father!". Do you dislike being male or do you dislike being macho ?

Are there parts of your behavior or personality that you greatly dislike but don't know how to change? Things where you "don't want to be that kind of person" but that's how you were raised, or your experiences led you to where you are, but you don't want to be that way? And you associate those disliked behaviors with being "male"? But are they? For example if you became a "redneck-bar kind of guy" then in your mind would changing the "guy" part change the behavior along the way? Or would (in this example) learning "how to be a gentleman" (a different kind of guy) be acceptable?

Or is the "being male" that you dislike having to do with your body appearance? Or does it have to do with the expectations of "appropriate" sexual behavior for "men"?

You can, that is, analyze what you don't like about being male and try to change it "while still being male" and perhaps that will work. It might help you understand your motivations a lot better.

Now... I have "been there, done that" in circumstances pretty similar to what you describe; I thought and struggled and looked for "proof" for years that I was "really" one way or "really" another. And to be honest, I never found that proof. I got to understand myself better, but I could not decide. Instead, after a lot of mental angst, at one point I suddenly "just knew" that I was not male, and that realization was accompanied by a huge feeling of relief.

With my having mentally explored so much, I had a lot less fear of undertaking particular actions. Q: "What would it mean if I were to walk downtown in a dress on a busy weekday as a cross-dresser? What would it mean if instead I did it because I am transsexual?" A: "Either way, you end up walking downtown in a dress because you want to; why not just go ahead and do it and not be so worried about the Why?" Because by that point, the question for me was not "Do I walk downtown in a dress at all?", just about why I was doing it, and that didn't really matter so much when you think of it.

If you are know you want to dress up and go outside, then instead of telling yourself "Oh, I could only do that if I identify as a woman", you can instead tell yourself, "Well, maybe I really identify as a woman and don't know it, and maybe I'm 'only' transgender or two-spirited or gender-fluid, but why don't I take that walk outside and see how it feels before I make a decision on what it means?"

You do not have to identify as completely female in order to live as female. "Winging it" because you want to live as female a lot more than you want to live as a male is a perfectly acceptable life option.

In my case, I do vacillate from time to time, but for me the question is not whether I want to live as female (even though I don't identify as being unquestionably female): the question for me is whether I am willing to "pay the cost". The main "cost" left for me is going completely public, including into my work domain. Taking it from a private struggle to a matter of public knowledge is scary for me.

[KellyJameson]

To feel like a woman would be to say that you feel what other women feel solely because they are women so are feelings unique to being a woman. In my opinion it does not work that way.

First you are an individual so your feelings are going to be unique to you. Second any feeling a woman can feel so can a man even though the context may be different. An example would be breast feeding a baby, which most men never experience. The feelings that go with this could be attributed to the action but it would be wrong to say that they are not available to men but only in a different context.

Men and women make up a spectrum where nature has made them likely opposites that form a duality but both share and live on this spectrum of feelings and intellectual abilities.

Both men and women can be aggresive but the reasons and how aggression is expressed are in general different. But can be territorial but once again the reasons and how it is expressed are in general different. It is very nuanced and not black or white. The relationship to sex and the feelings because of sex are different between men and women. Sex and love are in general treated and experienced differently between men and women.

To be misaligned is to be of a mind that puts you so far toward the female end of the spectrum that living as one requires much less effort emotionally and psychologically. An example is how I move my body that is naturally very feminine when I'm not consciously controlling myself not to move as would be natural to me which ends up very stilted and awkward.

This was something that haunted me since early childhood but now appears normal. How I express myself verbally is a reflection of how my mind works and I'm a person who uses feeling words because I rely almost completely on intuition. Trying to talk this way to men makes their eyes glaze over because most cannot comprehend this way of "sensing" because they tend to intellectualize everything.

In general a womens brain processes information differently than a man's. Look at who you are more comfortable communicating with to know your own mind.

Being misaligned causes continous stress on many different levels that touches practically every aspect of a persons life across their whole life, from cradle to grave.

It could and does create and cause insecurity but it is not insecurity but something much deeper. It is a relentless feeling of living against yourself but without any indication of why. Living misaligned is HARD WORK and very stressful. You will also be living very self consciously as if you are a stranger in your own body and life, always watching from the outside in.

In my opinion there is no such thing as feeling like a woman or a man but only that state of mind and of being that is shared more with one gender over the other that results in you irrevocably identifying with that gender.

The body moves as it feels. The mind is drawn to the music that relates to how it feels. Look toward what you are drawn to for "gender self understanding". In general men and women are drawn to different things because they experience these things differently from each other, but this is a generalization so must be treated as such.

Who do you more naturally identify with ? Men or women ?

[Aly Cat]

I urge you to read this article. I posted it in a different thread, but it seems like you could use it. From what I have read of your story, there is a lot of information you can benefit from. Be prepared though... You may find yourself wanting the same thing I did. (Wanting this persons personal number so as to make them your personal therapist!) The article covers extensively GD and the different stages we all go through. Please read it. It has helped me tremendously. Btw, I decided to take the plunge and start HRT. I am 3 months into it and omg the difference it has made. I know it's not right for everyone and it's not a cure all, but I am much happier on hormones. I simply feel... Right.

http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/gender_expressions.htm

[Cheryl123]

Some clinics prescribe HRT as a treatment for a hormone defincency and it can be helpful to think of gid as just that. Many trans women find that hormones bring out a sense of womanhood that wasn't there before.. or was deeply hidden. Take your time with all of this -- solutions are there. And by all means don't feel you must dress as others. Present yourself in a way that pleases you. The only person holding any of us back is only ourselves. You can only find happiness when you give yourself permission to live as you truly wish. I wish you nothing but love and happiness on your journey.

[Michelle789]

Bryn,

Welcome to the forum!!!

You hate being a man, but don't feel like a woman. There are a few possibilities here.

1. You might identify as androgynous. From what you are saying, and how you wish to present yourself, you might actually be androgynous. Androgynous identity is certainly part of the transgender umbrella, and does not require hormones.

2. You might be a feminine man, who hates being a man because society frowns on men being feminine, more so than it does on women being masculine. Once again how you wish to present could mean you are a feminine man.

3. You might be a "failed man". My therapist has seen a few of these "failed men", and said that it's very rare. Less than 1% of her MTF clients turned out to be "failed men". However, failed men usually want to become women because they feel that the grass is greener on the other side, and typically have very weak, sporadic female identities. Crossdressers and transsexuals have stronger, persistent female identities. Crossdressers usually feel no pain over their gender, just a desire to dress as a female from time to time, or sometimes several times a week, but are still content being men. CDers get restless, irritable, and discontent if they have to go too long without CDing. Transsexuals usually, but not always, suffer significant pain over their gender, and transition is often, but not always, a life or death matter.

4. You might be a transsexual in denial. It took me until two years ago to even seriously think that I might be a transsexual. Only on December 9, 2013, was I convinced that I am a TS, and two months later I started fighting myself again. I again became convinced on May 17, 2014, that I am TS. I still fight myself occasionally, but not anywhere near as much as I used to. Two nights ago, I reached the inescapable conclusion that I cannot bear to spend much more time presenting as a male, that going full time is inevitable for me. If you are actually a woman, you can still present androgynous.

5. You could be gender fluid or bigender or dual gender.

6. You may be something else that I am unaware of.

I would think that if you're not convinced that you're a woman, than hormones aren't for you. If later on you reach the conclusion that you are a woman, and need to transition, then let nothing stop you.

Remember that you don't need to be either a man or a woman. You might hate being a man, because you are not a man, but you might not be a woman either. Maybe you are somewhere in between.

If you really aren't certain, trying hormones can help you to figure out if you are a man or a woman. HRT is a diagnostic tool. Sometimes people who are truly TS sometimes fight themselves so much and aren't certain of how they truly identify that HRT is the only way of knowing.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey of self-discovery, and that however you identify, that you are able to freely live as your authentic self.

[Starling]

...HRT is a diagnostic tool. Sometimes people who are truly TS sometimes fight themselves so much and aren't certain of how they truly identify that HRT is the only way of knowing...

Amen to that. HRT made things pretty clear to me, Bryn; the mental and emotional effects were unmistakable and almost immediate. It was mother's milk. What people do with that knowledge is up to them.

:) Lallie

[Dianne S]

HRT made things pretty clear to me

Interesting; I hear that a lot. I have a question for anyone: Has anyone started out just with an anti-androgen before HRT? How did that make you feel? I ask because I went on Spiro and felt terrible. But I'm still not sure if it's because I really am not TS, or I just had a bad reaction to Spiro. If you started on anti-androgens and later started HRT, did you notice a big difference from the HRT?

[Aly Cat]

My endo put me on Spiro with all the other HRT drugs. I can't imagine Spiro by itself going good for the body because it suppresses testosterone, but if you don't have the other drugs to go with it, then you are hosed. Your body doesn't naturally produce estrogen as a male so if you reduce the testosterone, then your system is simply out of sack. Hormonal imbalances are no joke. They can not only mess with your mental state, but affect physical parts of your body like your thyroid and other important glands and organs. Hopefully you were not self medicating. I know quite a few people who do, and it is so dangerous. If you are on anti-androgyns, make sure you are replacing what the Spiro is blocking. Do lots of research. It is well worth seeing an endocrinologist to make sure doses are right. Every person is different and requires different doses. Play it safe, your life is literally on the line.

[LeaP]

It common to start HRT with an anti-androgen (AA) alone. I did and am glad I did, because it let me distinguish among the effects of lowering testosterone vs. mood effects of estrogen vs. long-term estrogen effects. [edit - Aly is correct on risk with AAs alone. Your body REQUIRES sex hormones. AAs alone are sustainable for most for only a few months.]

I had quick relief from lowering T. That took off the aggressive and reactive edge, the feeling of always being pressured by T, which I compare to being drugged (or "on crack", or poisoning when I'm making a dramatic point). I did NOT experience a loss of energy from starting AAs. Mine increased. The relief was HUGE. But - big but - this doesn't necessarily mean that T is not for you!

Although not classed as a psychotropic drug, E does affect mood, aspects of which are usually positive in both men and women, and is often an important consideration in prescribing E for women. I experienced positive mood effects in short order when I started E. Very nice indeed.

The long-term psychological effects of E result from the expression of your genetic potential. As the estrogen receptors in your brain activate and your testosterone receptors inactivate, your brain will slowly change. (Contrary to popular thinking, brains cells do change and regenerate. Your brain is also continually changing neuron connection patterns.) My first indications of this were perhaps 6-8 months in, and became definitive only after about 18 months.

IMHO, it is really important to assess yourself regularly, because it is the long-term effects that matter the most. The world is full of people who started hormones, felt absolutely wonderful, but ultimately stopped. Put aside those who experience and dislike a drop in energy from lowering T, as well as those who dislike the emotional and mood changes of the early E experience. Those taking cross-sex hormones who are fundamentally unsuited will experience a growing unease in their very sense of self over time. In fact, this is exactly the same as a MTF transsexual living on T pre-transition. I.e., lack of congruence.

There is real risk in taking hormones as a result. Not from the long-term psychological changes. As far as I know those will reverse themselves over time if hormones are stopped. But from incurring permanent physical changes because of the length of time it takes to get to that point. It is also possible for someone to move further down the path prematurely because they are taken in by the earlier effects. Sometimes this is phrased as hormones creating momentum toward transition. And again, the world is full of people who start hormones and a few months later are making announcements … only to stop transition later. My transition is stalled the moment for reasons which are irrelevant here. One of the benefits, however, has been experiencing the long-term changes prior to taking further steps. I had planned on several of those steps well before this happened. As it happens, that would have been okay. But in truth, I didn't really know – and that is now evident only in hindsight. Two things need very serious consideration before starting hormones: your willingness to actually complete transition, and your willingness to live with permanent physical change if you don't.

[sandra-leigh]

Your body doesn't naturally produce estrogen as a male so if you reduce the testosterone, then your system is simply out of sack.

Male bodies require some estrogen. A fraction of the free (unbound) testosterone in the blood gets naturally converted to estrogen which is then used. If the testosterone levels increase or if the testosterone binding rate decreases then there becomes more unbound testosterone in the blood (in absolute terms) and when the relatively fixed fraction gets converted to estrogen, that would lead to higher estrogen levels (in absolute terms), which can then act on the male body to feminize it. As males approach andropause, the absolute testosterone production falls, but the binding rate often falls faster, leading to more free in the blood, leading to more estrogen converted. This is why a lot of men (estimates range from 1/3 to 54%) get gynecomastia ("women breasts") in later life.

There are anti-androgens that reduce testosterone production without affecting the binding rate. When used, the leftover free testosterone in the blood falls, leading to less estrogen converted from testosterone. If reduced sufficiently far without introducing estrogen, body trouble can result. Oesteoperosis is often mentioned; a source told me that the real oesteo danger occurs if you have low levels of estrogen and low levels of testosterone. The anti-androgen doses typically used for MTF are, I gather, not typically sufficient to get to that particular danger, but biochemistry is variable and some bodies do not need much spiro to lower testosterone levels to the danger point; while other people end up having to go for high doses of anti-androgens because their body fights to keep testosterone levels high.

There are also anti-androgens that block testosterone binding without reducing testosterone production levels. When used, the unbound testosterone levels in the blood rise, the absolute amount available for conversion increases, and so estrogen production increases in the body.

Some bodies will need anti-androgens until the testes are removed, either via an orchi or SRS. For others, once the testosterone levels fall "far enough", sufficient estrogen alone is enough to tell the testes to go quiet and the testosterone levels will stay low-ish by themselves. That is the case for me: I haven't had anti-androgens for a year, but my testosterone level is only 6 to 10 with 3.4-ish being "normal for female" and 60-100 being "normal" for males (numbers are from memory.)

Some people notice withing hours if they don't get their estrogen dose on time; it takes me a good month without additional estrogen to notice anything. That indicates that my body has pretty much switched to a more female biochemistry mode, which will happen to some people and not to others. Medical monitoring is important! You won't know how your body will react until you try.

[LeaP]

Great response, Sandra. Just a couple of things: There are indications that serum E levels decline, not rise in older men. (See mainstream press article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/12/science/middle-aged-men-can-blame-estrogen-too.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0) And I haven't seen anything to support your comment about MTF AA administration and osteoporosis - but I'm unsure of whether or not you meant AAs alone. I find it hard to believe that reducing T to well below female-typical levels, or even close to zero, which are the usual results of MTF AA dosages, would not incur that risk.

[Starling]

LeaP, a serious question, because I might have misunderstood you: if only long-term changes with HRT are truly telling, and every phenotypic male (not only MTF) should feel better in the short term with lower testosterone and higher estrogen, why do some simply feel totally "wrong" shortly after starting HRT?

:) Lallie

[Dianne S]

No, I would never self-medicate. My therapist always puts people on Spiro alone for a few months first before starting HRT. Apparently, it has happened in the past that people have stopped at the Spiro stage. So she treats it as an additional test people have to pass before she recommends HRT.

At this point, I'm in stasis. I still dress quite a bit and present as a woman sometimes in public, but I'm not moving forward with irreversible body changes until sort out what's in my head...

[LeaP]

The only thing I stressed in early estradiol (not HRT) effects was mood - usually that's positive, but not always.

There are a whole lot of reasons why a man might react badly to HRT, either E alone, the AAs, or the combination. Some experience the E mood effects as emotional flooding. I did not (it was stabilizing and validating emotionally), but my therapist mentioned cases of that in her experience. Often, however, it's a bad reaction to lowering T. That's the source of the energy loss for many, and is clearly the source for loss of libido and/or sexual function, which I had not mentioned). Some find the earliest (within weeks or a few months) indications of physical changes profoundly disturbing. Some people find themselves confused on HRT, have lost their edge, disturbs their sleep, etc.

My note was primarily a caution about the potential for over-validation arising from early HRT responses. Well, it IS validating - but only goes so far. So often we talk about reality vs fantasy when it comes to actually living with changes, particularly pre-transition. What gets short shrift is the long-term psychological effects. These can be significant and affect you and those around you in ways you cannot predict.

[Marleena]

Bryn I think there was a lengthy thread here on what it feels like to be a woman. I'm not sure if there was a definitive answer though.:) Some of the (TS) women know what's going on early in life and that they are female. Many more MTF's seem to struggle with WTH is going on with them instead. It can be a feeling of being on the outside looking in like it was for me. I always felt like I was hiding and overcompensating as a male. I think some of us just keep busy so we don't have to deal with it until the GD increases and bites us in the a$$.

The questions and thoughts you have in your first post would be best directed to your gender therapist for peace of mind IMO.