She Asked " Who's that?", OH HEll !

[Hell on Heels]

Is it just me? Or is there more of these stories coming up than usual?
Last Friday night My SO and I were entertaining a friend at our place. This friend was spending the night.
While having drinks and apps before dinner, I was showing pics of the winery that I work that I had taken with my phone.
as I scanned through the pics I went one pic to far and there it was, a pic of me. I quickly hid it, but my SO caught a glimpse of it.
She immediately asked "who was that" telling our friend " there is a picture of some girl on his phone. Grabbing at me, tearing at my pocket to get at my phone. I fought her off, with my broken wrist and all, she wasn't getting that phone! Not in front of our friend.
We stepped aside, and I told her "We need to talk, it's personal, embarrassing, and cant be done in front of our friend".
So we finished dinner, and she stands up and says lets go. we went to our guest house, and had a seat in the garden.
She started with, "So who is that on your phone?". Big deep breath and I said "Well that pic, is a pic of me". She asked to see it, I held back, and said that I assure you it's me, do you know what that means? She still thought I was lying, that I was covering up an affair or something.
So I showed her the pic, and the discussion continued, "So you like to wear women's clothes?", Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? Every question I've heard from so many others that have gone through this before me. While we are talking My phone rings, OMG! Adriana, my east coast gagsta girl. So Apparently there is more that she knew about before seeing the pic. She had tried to call Adriana before we had our talk, she also had a few names from e-mails I had sent to a few other members.
So we talked, I explained that this is something I've done since a I was a child. She seemed calm and actually said to me "That I should not feel its unacceptable, this is Ca., and she is pretty open minded". So we finished our chat there and went back to the main house to be with our friend.
We all hung out and had a normal conversation and went to bed. As soon as I closed the bedroom door, she holds her hand out and says give me your phone, I held back again, but eventually handed it over. She goes straight into my e-mail.
She read for a while, asking an occasional question, and we went to sleep.
In the morning our friend and her went of to do something they had planned. They were gone for the day, and returned in the afternoon.A short while after they returned our friend left, and we are back to discussing everything.
Do i plan to go back to San Francisco?, do I get to meet your friends? I told her I don't have plans for San Francisco, If she would like to meet friends I'm sure that can happen. There was actually a get together at Ashley's house that day, I said we were invited. She said she wanted to go, but I told her that it was a bit soon to for that, we need to get us settled before meeting others. (Take it slow, how many times have I heard that)
So we had multiple little talks the rest of the day, lots of emotional swings, and even couple of laughs, Thank you Katey! Face it like a man. your a riot!
Then this morning she had to pack up and head to our Bay Area Home, as she's getting closer to departing the anger seemed to be boiling up.
i tried my best to assure her that i'm still me, there just a new part to me for her to get to know. And she left.
When she got to the house she called, and was quite upset, she said she was upset with herself, she felt as she was a fool. (she is the breadwinner of the 2 of us) Like I used her, didn't appreciate her, etc.
I'm not the greatest communicator, I've always been quite, shy, and afraid to show emotions. I think she's seeing that now, but is perceiving
it as me not caring.
She asked me to send her an email. Does this sound like a good idea to anyone? So much Can be lost from, or read into a written message.
And I don't want to screw this up.
Thanks for reading and for any helpful advice,
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Rogina B]

Getting caught [at anything] is not a good situation.You don't say how long you have been a sneak,so I can't make any suggestions. Guess this will be a test.

[Renee Elise]

Wow Kristyn, sounds like you had quite the weekend. I wish I had some practical advice for you. The ask for an e-mail sounds a bit ominous...she'll probably be up and down on this for awhile. The best thing you could probably do is tell her how much you care for her, love her and how important your relationship is to you. And that the dressing is something that is a part of you, but not meant to be a substitute for her. Hope others that have gone thru this with their wives/fiancees/SO's can assist. Good luck girl! Xoxo, Renee

[MsVal]

Oh, Kristyn that sounds so bad, but not hopeless.

No, do not send an email. Do not text. Do not do anything that is subject to misinterpretation or something that may be taken out of context.
Is there any way you can meet her for a face-to-face talk? A *LOT* is at stake, and these things really require that kind of attention.

Take heart. Others have walked this road before and left footprints in this forum. While some paths have lead to damaged marriages, and some have failed, there were often other problems. The crossdressing was simply the thing that brought it all to a head. There are many here (myself included) who have gone through many tearful sessions and emerged with a stronger marriage and an accepting wife. You can too.

Expect to deal with many other issues that may come up during your talks. I strongly recommend answering frankly and honestly, even when it puts you or your wife in a poor light. You're already suspect of being deceitful. This is a poor time to add layers of deceit.

Best wishes
MsVal

[GenieGirl]

This isn't necessarily a bad situation but can't say that it will be a good one either. No advice on being caught. I can only say from openly telling my gf at the time that you gotta take it slow. For her it was better to let her bring up the topic and only answer the questions that she asks. Just remember don't overdo it and I agree with not giving up physical evidence at this point.

[kimdl93]

You have a lot of work cut out for you. But the most imprtant thing you and she can do right now is take a breather. Yes, answer truthfully when asked, but when anger starts to displace reason, it's time to step back. Let the emotions settle down. Otherwise the same old fears and doubts just keep re emerging.

It has something to do with our reptilian brain. We tend to respond to fears viscerally, even when faced with facts that disprove the basis of our fears.

[RenneB]

I'd go with the honest face to face approach. I've been in hiding for some time and although I've had a few opportunities to 'come clean', it's still a 'no tell' relationship.....

Renne.....

[Donnagirl]

Wow... All I can say is your right, take it slow. Rash decisions now are the worst thing. It will take many long, emotional and heartfelt conversations to get through this. Although compromise is the key, it is a two way street.

I know that education was the saving grace for my relationship. My SO needed to hear the truth from me backed up by independent sources. This forum was good for that.

I wish you well. It's a rocky road you're about to travel but, as you know many of us have trod it before.

Hugs

Donna

[mykell]

you need to convey that you are still the one she fell in love with, more than she new about but still that person,
show her pictures of your wedding or Christmases past, birthday parties ect, this was you then but hidden, and this is the person that your are just now in the open,
committed to the relationship like never before, after my reveal i offered a DADT option and she accepted it. for now offer it until other things can be worked out, she came home, like i said to you before if their is love this can be worked out, honesty,honesty, honesty, is the key word now along with communication,
after seeing how happy you were in SF i hope you have a favorable outcome, your a good person and i hope your SO knows that....




#777 post i hope it brings some luck....

[Jenniferathome]

Kristyn, at this point, and email is not bad. It's non-emotional. She needs that. The truth is the truth, so just tell it BUT, be as economical with words as you can. Not obscure but concise. Write everything you told her already. Make sure you let her know that you love her and that cross dressing is not about her and that there are no more secrets. Lastly, you are available to answer any question any time.

Bets of luck

[chelyann]

take it slow , and good luck , it sounds like there is hope

[JocelynRenee]

Kristyn, my heart goes out to you and I hope things work out well. Your wife's response sounds very typical and focused on the deceit. Honesty has to be front and center now and forevermore. Don't push more information than she is ready to receive and answer her questions honestly.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the request for an email. It may be that she needs that dispassionate form of communication right now, but I would be a little uncomfortable putting things in writing before I knew more about her state of mind.

Keep reaching out. We're all here for you.

[Stephanie47]

So, you've read numerous other posts concerning being discovered. Well, there are many posts where pictures, letters, emails have been used not to the benefit of the man. Something like once it is out in the Internet, etc it cannot be retrieved. If you are going to email her I would suggest not sending pictures or prose to her that mentions wearing women's clothing. Frankly, email is a poor excuse for carrying on a conversation with anyone, no matter what the subject. Do your discussions face to face.

I just don't get it? How many times am I going to read posts of guys keeping pictures on their electronic devices?????

[marshalynn]

Why not join her at the bay area home, so you can talk further, to help the understanding now.

[Katey888]

Kristyn dear.... :hugs: better strap in tight for that rollercoaster ride now...

You've got some positives on your side - Ca. is a very liberal minded environment - but she's facing a San Andreas sized fault-line in her life now, where you're rightly trying to emphasise this has always been just a hidden part of you, but she's feeling like there's another person in the relationship... and a feminine one at that, which generally sets alarm bells clanging for SOs...

I don't think email is bad, but I'd share those fears about being offered enough rope to do yourself a damage... if you feel you must email, steer clear of the obvious and focus on your relationship with her, what that means, how it hasn't and will not change for the worse, all the positives you can think of - and do your other talking face to face... pursue her, if you have to - show her that you will... :)

Good luck! And keep in touch.... :huggles

And a salutary lesson for all of us, yet again...


I just don't get it? How many times am I going to read posts of guys keeping pictures on their electronic devices?????

Steph - how right are you? :clap: And devices that are also so easily locked with a 4-digit pin... but there's that twinge of vanity in most of us, and I'm guilty of that too, but my devices and folders are secured, locked, bolted and protected... decades of working with security and intelligence will make you paranoid, if you're not to begin with... Pay attention you newbies, shrouded with Pink Fog... ;)

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kristyn, The ball is in her court now so to speak, go slow and don't overwhelm her.

[Krisi]

Don't send her an email.

Why would you think of sending her an email? Talk to her. Face to face if possible, otherwise on the telephone.

And for anyone else reading this thread, don't leave incriminating photos or messages on your phone or computer (or anywhere else).

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I dunno..the email is not such a bad idea. My H sent me one during one of our worst times, explaining how the CD started, what it meant to him, how it wasn't about me but just something he did, etc. I read it over and over until it made some sense through all the anger I felt. I actually deleted it in anger one day (ha, ironic) and wish I hadn't. I often think of all those little personal details he wrote and how they helped me understand that this is something very difficult for him too, and not just some childish game he's playing with our lives.

Face to face is usually best, but with such high emotion and knowing how the wife feels and how she just wants information and reassurance, writing down the details couldn't hurt. It's out now anyway...I don't believe an email could make that worse.

Good luck

[natcrys]

Hey Kristyn!

Wow, that sounds like hell-ish experience! First of all, I hope things work out ultimately.. but I expect it will be a bumpy ride for the foreseeable future.

Anyway, about that email. I'd only write it IF and ONLY IF you are able to write the most unambiguous email ever known to man/woman-kind in the world. You both will be very emotional and you can count on any small thing that can be interpreted in multiple ways will be interpreted in the worst way, Murphy's Law is brutal in its timing. :doh:

I'd say... write a letter to your SO, but don't send it. Use it for yourself to make everything clear in your head.

Then talk to your SO, make sure you two get to look in each other eyes.. the part of the communication which doesn't translate well in pen and paper.

Good luck and hugs! :hugs:

[Annaliese]

I hope everything goes well, for you and she come around, I am with you on the written message better to take either in person or on the phone

[Jenniferathome]

...She asked me to send her an email. ...

This seems like a pretty straight forward request BY HER. Is no one else reading this?

[Coping2014]

My husband just came out to me a few months ago - and not so eloquently I might add. I have often wondered how it is he should have told me and if he had would it have aided in the overall mood of the situation. I do think that he could have done a better job I am very happy that I he told me rather than being discovered or outed - but you have to deal with what you have in front of you so hopefully you can turn things around.

I myself wouldn't like to have an email - but a letter would have been ok - written not typed. It's just more personable that way. Be VERY careful about your wording as tone is hard to convey with the written word. I would suggest giving her the letter face to face in your home (maybe over drinks - I know I can deal with more when I'm a bit loose lol) Give her the letter and allow her to read it at her own pace, but be there to answer questions. Having it written is good for the fact that you can make sure to tell her everything you want to and you know you let her know and didn't get side tracked in a conversation. But an email - at least IMHO - is in-personable (depending on your SO you would know best) I wish you luck. Please let us know how it goes. I wish my husband would have taken some more thought on how to tell me when he did - I may not have had the reaction I had (it was bad - a personal melt down, full of emotion and fear) I do think it sets the path for the journey not that you can't adjust things along the way -my husband and I are doing much better now - but it was a rough start!



This seems like a pretty straight forward request BY HER. Is no one else reading this?

LOL I get that but as a woman myself I can tell you we don't always know what we want ;) We may think we do but we are just as clueless as you all are! She may just feel she needs a moment - I do like the idea of something written so you know it is all out on the table but I suggest you be there when you give her the letter. You don't have to be in the room - you can just be somewhere in the house so she knows she can come to you with questions or in the same room - you should know your SO well enough to make a guess on which would be best.

This is how I have imagined having it happen but a last real life doesn't always play out that way. You should have an idea the best way to approach your SO to know which route to take. Good luck to you both!

Coping2014

[MsVal]

Writing it all down, whether delivered or not is a great idea. Sitting by yourself with no distractions, and without the pressure of thinking on your feet, you can organize your thoughts in a preferred sequence. You can look up dates, numbers, names, and other important things that may not come to mind in a lively discussion. You can add things as they come to mind, and you can delete things - something that you cannot do in conversation.

I am really poor at thinking on my feet. As a compensatory measure I got in the habit of writing out my thoughts before any important talk. It helped me with my disclosure, it may help you too.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Alice Torn]

It sounds like there is hope. She did not get REALLY mad, and is willing to discuss. That is one reason I have never text and have no computer or internet on my simple phone. I have no SO or wife, walk alone, but if lost, someone could use it against me. I think things will even out, and be ok there, for you and your wife. Easy does it. Take it slow, Be honest. Show your love for her in word and deed.

[Debra Russell]

Kristen,... well it's out now and will get better, time = understanding / acceptance ....... and by the way everyone that takes phone pics...there's an app "QuicPic" allows hidden files, pass word protected, if hidden will not up load to cloud - get with it people - protect your self. My wife knows about Debra but sometimes the phone falls into other hands.................save yourself the problem........................................... .Debra

[TanyaWonder]

Hey Kristyn and others as well,

according to my observations, there are two types of girls (or people generally) - ones who get it, and ones who dont. Had one GF, she did what she could, told me shes all rite with it etc. I felt she wasnt and I was right. She is ex now, the current one asks for my CD self and looks forward to see her :D

What im saying is that its up to her now, all U can do is be honest with her and your dressing, she is the one to accept it or not.

[MissTee]

Seems we either tell or get caught. Telling has it's downside, but I can imagine if I "caught" my wife at something it would be worse. Here's this person I thought I knew. I loved them and trusted them completely. Then, I discover they have a secret life with secret friends and secret contacts that meet at secret places and on secret forums. They all conspire directly or indirectly to keep it from me. Deceit, and lots of it. The nature of it (another man, another woman, a radical animal rights activist, etc.) would likely be less the emotional issue for me than dealing with a broken trust and feeling so stupidly naive that it went on and I hadn't a clue.

That, then, is the essence of what you now face. Time, communication, understanding will all help. However, the innocence found in an unquestioning trust is forever gone. My hope is you heal all that can be healed, and learn from this too. Keep us posted.

[Hell on Heels]

So I did send that e-mail at her request, I kept it about our relationship, no real mention of CDing, just us.
She read it without sending a reply. We spoke on the phone that night and she said it was a very nice message, but I could sense the rose garden wont be blooming anytime soon.
She is upset, as many have mentioned, the deceit, and lack of trust are driving her emotions.
So we've talked a few more time since. She asks for me to help her understand, I asked her if she had any particular questions.
She said no, she just wants to understand everything. Where do I start with everything? The conversation went quiet, and she asked for another e-mail. and we said goodbye.
I sent another e-mail, not knowing where to start, I started at my beginnings, and wrote her my story.
I'm hopeful that will show some openness, maybe get some questions flowing.
Any other ideas on how to get her to understand it? I don't know that she will join the forum, she may be open to meeting people.
Thanks again for everyones well wishes, and kind support.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[trisha kobichenko]

Hi Kristyn,
I am feeling for you. A couple of years ago my SO decided I was having an affair, based on my reluctance to et her see what I was doing online. When she accused me I had only one unfortunate choice...to come out as CD on the spot...no thought behind it, no preparation. It was difficult to say the least. If you are anything like me you have been dealing with (denying...accepting...denying...hiding...acceptin g again--and wondering why you have them) your feelings since childhood.
This is part of who you are, and whether she knows it or not, is part of what your wife fell in love with. My advice is to open up, describe who you are and what you have always been, whether she was aware of it or not. There will be a lot of questions for sure...'Aren't I enough?...Do you want to be a woman?...Are you gay?...and more' Answer honestly and stress that this is not something that 'happened last week', but has been a part of you since whenever. Commit your devotion to her again. And ask what will it take to move forward on what we both wanted in the beginning.
Hope this helps,
Hugs,
Trish

[stefan37]

I am an advocate of disclosure from the very beginning. In this case it's not an option. I would do with the emails and have some face-face discussions. There are benefits to email or written letters because they can communicate without emotion. Similarly they can also be perceived different than the author's intent because it is emotionless and may be taken in the wrong context.

You are in a difficult spot and I wish you the best. You might try to meet to have a discussion over lunch of something in a neutral place. Find a private area in a public venue. A walk in the park could do the trick.

[Katey888]

Kristyn - starting at the beginning seems like the right thing to do - not that you have any other option really... :hugs:

You're right about openness now, and as has been said countless times before, any SO is now trying to absorb what for us is a virtual parallel lifetime, for those of us who started young - with all the accompanying confusion, misunderstanding, and impossibility to explain to anyone just 'why' it is what it is...?

Take your time - take it slow and just keep talking, writing, talking, writing... :)

Katey x

[Princess29]

I wish you all the best Kristyn. May the outcome you get be the best for all concerned


Mel

[Jordan]

I feel you can still work this out you need to take it slow and give her space but you also need to give her what she request like the email. Just stay postive and remind her you are atill the person she feel in love with and that your feelings for her are as strong today as thay ever have been

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Kristyn-

Sorry this is the way it came about. In my opinion, you are now dealing with two issues. One, being the crossdresing, and the second being the deceit.

With the crossdressing she appears to be open about it. But the more you reveal to her about it, the more obvious it becomes on how deep the deceit went.

With the deceit, you need to lay all of your cards on the table and be completely honest. I agree with Jennifer though in that you need to try and keep it concise. To us cross dresser the need for deceit is obvious, the fear of consequences is quite real and quite intense. But in tellng her that, you are telling your wife that you have been too afraid to trust her. It brings about the question of how can she trust you now.

I think you can rebuild that trust, by actually trusting her. Tell her about all of you. Everything. Let her have access to every bit of your life for her to examine the evidence herself. Focus on repairing the damage from the loss of trust and I think you have a heck of a shot at salvaging this.

Best of luck to you sweetie. I really hope for the best for you two.

[Jaylyn]

I keep telling everyone on here honesty and true feelings between a wife and husband is the only way to find true love. You will not have to hide anything and they will accept you for who you are. My wife was told from the first date that I had a love for makeup and silky things. I've never had a problem. Honesty works, but remember if your not honest at first the change you show them later will be multiplied numerous times over later. It's better to be up front about every thing and if they can't handle that then it was never meant to be. You need to go see her and just lay it all out on the table and tell her that you love her more than anything and that for her you will do anything but you you really would like to work this out. Be honest and women can feel when one is pouring out their heart to them. They do so with each other and will do the same for the men they love. You make the choice and lay everything out and she will accept it or not. Do not hide anything. I'm only speaking from my experiences and what has worked for me. We all have different opinions on what's right but you follow your heart towards her but be honest in your heart and hope she will be sensitive enough to pick up on that.

[Dianne S]

That is a really rough way for your wife to find out.

All you can do now is beg her forgiveness. If you can get across to her that the reason you didn't reveal yourself was that you were afraid of losing her, that might help. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much else you can do than wait for her decision.

[samantha rogers]

PM sent.
Love you, Sis
Hugs
Sammie

[MssHyde]

sorry, been there don't put in a email any thing that can be used against you.

[sometimes_miss]

Before I write anything else, I think we should address one thing when this happens to others here (and it's not if, it's when). Do you want your relationship to survive. Because more relationships survive infidelity than crossdressing (got that from my therapist, it's not just a guess). A woman will forgive almost anything....even a one off sex with another woman....before she'll be able to handle the idea of her man no longer being 'all man'. How many times have we read or heard a woman stand by her man no matter what horrible things he's done, murder, beating her, stealing, embezzlement, etc, with the simple explanation, "But, I love him!". Love between a man and a woman is strongly linked to sexual attraction, and once that's gone, the romantic desire will usually soon follow, followed by the love. Then all she will have left for you in her heart will be anger. And then it's over. So, sometimes it may be better to lie once again, and tell her the lesser of two evils, admit to a one off unfaithful episode rather than change her entire image to herself of who and what you are. I'm not saying it's the best solution. But it is a solution. Then you will have to get on with either finding a way to quit, or become much better at hiding your female 'life' from her. Because, as we continue to see, the chances of finding a woman who really likes a guy who crossdresses, is virtually nil. I'm not saying it doesn't happen; there are men on this board who are proof otherwise. But there are just as many lottery winners out there as men here who have accepting wives.


she just wants to understand everything. Where do I start with everything? The conversation went quiet, and she asked for another e-mail. and we said goodbye.
Well, I'll start off by saying that your experience is very much the same as mine was, oh, 16 years ago. I hope by now you've figured out why you crossdress, because if you don't, how can you get her to? Just saying you like to feel pretty, without any explanation of what's going on underneath, isn't going to cut it, she'll just probably automatically go the gay/TS assumptions, and really, there isn't any argument you can give her. All you can do is hope she'll put up with it. If you just go with 'I was born this way', again, she'll see gay/TS, because there's no rational reason that a straight guy wants to dress and behave as a pretty girl; at least, none that a normal woman will like to hear. I won't suggest begging, because that didn't work for me; I tried offering everything I could to my ex, promised her the moon. Didn't work. Pick your plan and roll the dice. And hope that you don't crap out. Oh, and plan for the worst; if you have joint bank accounts, they may be emptied, the locks may be changed, oh and don't implicate yourself in ANY wrongdoing in the typewritten word that could get you arrested. What you are in now is full damage control mode. Don't expect anything good from this; if I'm wrong, then you'll be pleasantly surprised. If not, you'll at least be prepared.

Edit: I know that the women here will be absolutely furious with me for writing this, that 'honesty is always the best policy'. Well, not for us. Because there simply aren't enough women out there for us. Not even close. We're not evil. Well, not most of us, anyway. We're honest, hard working men who have something about us that women can't accept. Much like a physical disfigurement; we didn't choose it, we have to live with it. So when I advocate deception, it's in the interest of love, because since I split with my ex wife 16 years ago, I've found out exactly how much I miss the love. Not the sex. We can fulfill our own sex drive. But you can't get love and affection from anyone else but another person. And for most of us, when we're up front with being crossdressers, we'll never be loved again. And that hurts more than you can possibly imagine, looking at a possible 50 to 80 years of being alone. And no, dating men is not an option (at least for about 80% of us). So once again, I will apologize for being someone who advocates deception, but remember this: No one tells their mate EVERYTHING. It would be impossible. We omit things we believe to be unimportant, or not important that she know. Women do this as well. We use our best guess, and do the best we can. That's all we can do. And in the end, it IS better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. That, I am absolutely sure of.

[samantha rogers]

Every relationship is unique. We cannot know what is best for someone else, only the course that we believe is best for ourself. For me, and only me, I tried deception both deceiving my wife and myself. I may yet lose her, but now I like myself a lot better. And I no longer carry fear with me as a constant companion.

[NZ_Dawn]

I cant add too much to what has already been said. There is no template answer or easy solution. Human behaviour, emotions and feelings are unique to us all and its all just SO complicated. Either disclosure or being found out its a hard call and a common discussion.
Wish you and your SO all the best Kristyn.

[Di]

. In my opinion, you are now dealing with two issues. One, being the crossdresing, and the second being the deceit.


I agree....for many it is the deceit that takes the longest to get over. Just keep answering her questions.....keep telling your truth and if she wants to understand more invite her here.....and if I can help let me know. Best Wishes

[Beverley Sims]

Keep talking in a one on one situation.
Only email to make appointments.

[JocelynJames]

I feel for you, really. Telling my SO was the hardest thing ever. As with many here, first it was fine, then many questions, then feeling the fool. Eventually we came to terms. Hold steady and let her know what she means to you. I don't think I can tell you anything that you don't already know. Good luck Kristyn.

[KaceyR]

This seems like a pretty straight forward request BY HER. Is no one else reading this?
*Don't read my response if you don't want to hear potential bad results / a devil's advocate response*

While I agree with a lot of the people's suggestions... I hate to do this but my single over-analytic life puts me thinking of other paths.

1: while together before she left there was a bit of an understanding that occurred. Things were somewhat more peaceful.
2: She leaves for the other place. And all of a sudden there's another insecurity or big bit of accusation.
She asks for email.

This is (to me) an alarm in 2 ways. Emails are _not_ personal no matter how much passion, etc you put into it. It's a disconnection, it's a way for one to distance themselves away from the "love" or caring side a relationship entails and go pure analytical...which frequently cannot be easily added to the "process". It takes talking. It takes face-to-face.
Going email allows her to have _only_ her emotions boiling on her side, and you having your emotions on your side...and never are they truly meeting and truly being seen by each other.
She gets to read facts and more easily not truly see the impact on the partner or how sincere the partner is.

Then add to that, the capability of people to research and find all the tons of "bad" information and lies on websites out there put in place by haters to destroy husbands...and you get more of an "ease" of the person to distance further from true communication and decide a drastic route. Unless both of you truly discuss this, with emotion, and not run to impersonal things as texts and emails... I don't think it will advance as well. It's not to say it can't.. but relationship work takes good emotional handling on both sides. Cutting the emotional part sounds great for legal senses...
and unfortunately, if I read further possibly into MissHyde's comment, that's another aspect of email.
An Email can be an outright legal proof of an issue to form all sorts of grievances with if taken into courts, or potentially (if the ex or wife was mean enough) to blackmail with (e.g. you give me custody of kids or this will end up outing you to everyone at work, friends, etc etc).

Now I don't know specifics of her job,etc. You did state she was the breadwinner.
But it sounds like how a businesswoman or lawyer would handle some of this..keep the emotion away. Go for logic. Unfortunately that aspect of logic-only can kill regular marriages and relationships to lawyers and such frequently. (know personally of a lawyer that's D'd 3 times, and blew up 2 relationships all because of his control and "logic" beats the heck out of any "love" aspect in his family.)

Anyways, you've already gone the email route..I do hope it works out. I can tell you love her.. and like a majority of us CDers love is not the missing thing. It's what happens when there is a shut off or reduced full (informational and emotional) communication that things go bad. Or she takes the lies and mis-information to extreme levels from the hater websites.

Best of luck and good wishes to both you and your wife Kristyn.

Edit: aaand I only now realized how far back this thread originated. (haven't been paying attention too well to foums). Anyways, saw some follow-up threads and how there's been more communication.
So I'll shut up now and again just send both of you best of wishes.

[Isabella Ross]

Full disclosure is best. But here's how my situation worked out. When I came out to my wife eight years ago, she demanded to know why I hadn't told her the truth a long time ago. I thought about this long and hard, and realized that I hadn't been truthful with myself for decades...so how could I be truthful to another person? That is the long and short of it...I lied to myself for so long. I finally explained this to my wife, and she understood. Years of repression and denial. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Maria in heels]

Kristen....WOW! Ive been away for a few weeks...will send you a pm