Intriguing question about coming out !

[Teresa]

When I read members accounts about coming I've noticed a high percentage come out in their forties ! I'm really intrigued to know what happens at that age to make Cders want to come out ?

I'm hoping members may wish to explain what reasons they had to come out at that point in their lives.

I know in my forties I was desperate to understand the way I felt and why it wasn't going away. What tipped the balance for me was a TV drama titled ," A little bit of Lippy ". It was about a married CDer who was found out and went through all the usual routine we know so well, eventually he got through it with his marriage intact and the acceptance of family and friends.

[Amanda L.]

Hi Theresa
Good observation. Could,it have something to do with the dreaded mid life crisis?
We get to that point where we either buy a Harley or a dress ( I think the Harley would work out cheaper in the long run).
Those with kids might have them off their hands so maybe a bit more disposable income. There could be something in the hormone shift that is male menopause.
I am in that bracket, I won't come out to my wife but have come out through this forum ( to me that's significant) and I get what you say about coming to terms with it.
I guess a time will come when all will be revealed but that's future Amanda's problem and for the time being I will happily bury my head in the sand.
BTW I didn't buy a Harley, bought a big Honda instead.
Amanda
X

[Tina G]

I am 42 now, a lot of things were going on. Was going thru a divorce, attempted suicide after wife decided to cheat and I made that selfish decision I know now and have gotten help working thru it all. I was just finally done hiding it, came out to my closest friends first and then just kinda went down the list. When you have so much anxiety and depression I guess i finally said ok i'm done feeling this way and if someone can't handle me being who i've always wanted to be then it's ok and I'll keep moving forward. I dress all the time now when i'm at home, at work i can't do it there but i do wear women's jeans and under dress. I have started going out more fully dressed when i see my therapist and more now with friends. I have a large amount of support thru my friends, 20+ people so that helps a lot. I guess it was a few different things that finally made the tumblers in my head all line up and now i feel a lot better and happy with being me finally.

Tina

[Dianne S]

Wow, I fit this demographic! I came out to my mother when I was 20 and to my fiancée when I was 22 and then totally clammed up...

... until age 47 when I came out to my sisters, my kids and my best friend from high school. I think there are a couple of reasons:

1) People in their forties start understanding and accepting themselves and caring less about what others think, IMO.

2) There are two peaks for TS's who transition: Early transitioners who do it in their 20's or earlier, and late transitioners who do it in their 40's. Possibly it's because testosterone levels usually start dropping in one's 40's. But whatever the reason, I think the same thing that drives late transitioners also affects CDers and increases gender dysphoria.

Well, that's my theory. Any other armchair psychiatrists want to take a crack at it?

[tammie]

Hi All: Diane you hit it right on the mark. Its not that testosterone levels drop in our 40s , in fact it starts dropping righ tafter age 20, but its inour 40s that it is lower than 1/2 of what it was at 18yo.

That triggers (providing there is enough progesterone in our bodies) , to make some feminine changes in our bodies and our minds. When the estrogen is higher than the testosterone in our bodies, the progesterone will activate it

instead of the testosterone and we see softer lines in our faces , less muscle definition , rounder bottoms and what we are all hoping for bigger breasts too.


I was a 42b bust and now I fill up a c cup brassiere.

[Nikki A.]

I have to agree that as you hit your 40s and beyond. You finally realize that life is finite and that it's very hard to deny and hide what is really a part of what makes us who we are.

[kimdl93]

I've speculated on this before, and please bear in mind, it's nothing more than armchair empiricism. My speculation is that transgenderism is always present, it's part of us before we ever think of sex. Then we hit our teens...and everything becomes associated with sex. And societal stereotypes reinforce the notion that CDing is about sex.

As we mature and develop meaningful relationships with real life partners, the link between sex and CDing begins to weaken. We have sex with or without the props. And later, as testosterone levels begin to decline, the incidence of thoughts about sex decline, but (For many of us) the interest in CDing continues unabated. It wasn't about sex afterall, it was about our gender identity. And as we grow more mature, we begin to put life into perspective, perhaps come to accept ourselves either through personal growth counseling or spousal support. After perhaps three lost decades of repression, denial or what we thought (and maybe hoped) was a fetish we come to the realization that this is a big part of who we are.

I used "we" above, but the stages described may have been entirely unique to me. I can't say with any degree of statistical confidence because I have an "N" of one.

[amy101]

I came out in my late 20s for me it was due to medical reasons since then tho a very slow presses I've become a more outgoing girl and I'm living life to the fullest with a very accepting wife and kids

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa, I came out to my wife in my early 20s'

[Jenniferathome]

Teresa, for me it was simply the pressure. I found and joined this site and began to communicate with another, Amanda22, who had come out and seemed like a rational person. I came to believe that it would be possible to tell my wife.

[NZ_Dawn]

It was at this stage in my life that Dawn was 'discovered'..........I never got to reveal myself in a nicer way.

[Donnagirl]

I'm right in that age group and I'm letting everyone know... The catalyst was an accidental email, however I do apportion a small amount of blame the effect this place has had on me. I got confidence from what others had done, was a little envious as well. I just got sick of hiding... Combine this with the ever increasing dominance of the girl in me and well coming out was the obvious conclusion.

A few teething troubles... A miss-understanding or two and here I am.

My only regret is that I did not do it earlier!!!

[Rachelakld]

Nearly got a Harley, test drive was fun and didn't want to give it back, spent the money on family holiday instead.
For me, during my moves in management jobs, Rachel had to take a back seat, once I was made redundant and sent back to the ground floor, I realized my controlled "image" to get management jobs was a waste to time.
Now I have a relaxed job and a relaxed attitude to life

[mariehart]

I pretty much fit the profile. I eventually began to come out to friends in my early forties. It was also the same time that my illusions about myself began to fall away and it was the same time I finally accepted that I was TS.

It was my mid life crisis I suppose. The difference with me was that I wasn't married or in a relationship. In fact I had never been in a relationship, had few friends, no money and I finally realised that the reason I never succeeded in getting my 'dream job' was simply that I wasn't good enough and never would be. My life was a complete sham up to that point.

I also realised I wasn't just a CD but TS with it. But I also realised that I would never transition.

So needless to say it was a crisis. I considered suicide, planned it even.

Then I met a woman, we started dating and one thing led to another. Now we're married nearly ten years with two beautiful boys. I still have no money of my own, no career although I did get a shot at my dream job only to discover it wasn't the dream I supposed it to be. I am more relaxed and less concerned about my failings as a person than before. I have just accepted myself for what I am.

I was for a time happy with my lot. Unfortunately in this world you are never left alone and expectations are heaped on you. I'm supposed to this that or the other and if you fail to meet those expectations you're made to feel bad.

But I suppose it's just the way life is.

[Teresa]

Marie like many I had all life's little extras like wife, kids and mortgage much sooner, I said what finally pushed me to come out but like most you start to ask what about me ? After coming out my wife didn't respond to the close feelings I had so I began to feel unloved and rejected, I also came within seconds of doing something drastic by driving into the path of a lorry ! In that split second my thought went to the driver and how he would live with what he might have done ! It's a road I don't wish to travel down again !

[Tinkerbell-GG]

... late transitioners who do it in their 40's. Possibly it's because testosterone levels usually start dropping in one's 40's. But whatever the reason, I think the same thing that drives late transitioners also affects CDers and increases gender dysphoria.


I've heard this before, but I see a huge flaw in it. Surely, if testosterone is dropping, men with gender dysphoria would feel more comfortable about themselves, not worse?? I mean isn't that what they do during transition - lower testosterone??

Another CD conundrum. Thanks for giving me another perplexing thought to ponder, Teresa. Lucky I like you, isn't it?! :) x

Edit: I will add that I often think much of what's posted here on this forum is related to our first world privilege. Look around at the mess the world is in and you realise how insulated we are that we have time to suffer a midlife crisis. Many children won't make it to age 10! Sometimes I think we all just have too much time on our hands.

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

Late bloomer myself and to be honest I am not sure what the trigger was. I do know that 5 years ago things went badly personality wise as I slowly descended into an angry bitter douche bag and eventually slid all the way to a dark depressive state which almost went very bad. My wife was afraid I was suffering from combat related PTSD so I went into therapy and through discussion a lot of repressed gender identity issues came out and that lead me to a gender identity therapist.

So to your question what made me come out . . . complete and utter emotional misery. When I began to explore the TG issue with my therapist (at that time my wife believed I was in counselling for PTSD - which I did not have) I realized it was part of me and was not going away so I was stuck and knew I had to let her know. It took some time (during which I never dressed in any form) but still emotionally I was wreck. So one evening, it all came to a precipice and I just broke down and told her. Luckily for me it went well.

Hugs

Isha

[Dianne S]

Surely, if testosterone is dropping, men with gender dysphoria would feel more comfortable about themselves, not worse?? I mean isn't that what they do during transition - lower testosterone??

I'm not sure. I went on Spironolactone briefly (an anti-androgen) and I felt terrible... much worse than before. I think that it's not enough to lower testosterone to reduce dysphoria; I think you also have to supplement it with estrogen.

Maybe my low testosterone theory is wrong. :) Maybe by our forties we realize our lives are finite and we have to live as our genuine selves while we have a chance.

[mariehart]

I've heard this before, but I see a huge flaw in it. Surely, if testosterone is dropping, men with gender dysphoria would feel more comfortable about themselves, not worse?? I mean isn't that what they do during transition - lower testosterone??

Another CD conundrum. Thanks for giving me another perplexing thought to ponder, Teresa. Lucky I like you, isn't it?! :) x

Edit: I will add that I often think much of what's posted here on this forum is related to our first world privilege. Look around at the mess the world is in and you realise how insulated we are that we have time to suffer a midlife crisis. Many children won't make it to age 10! Sometimes I think we all just have too much time on our hands.I think the whole point of gender dysphoria is that you feel you are female at all times even as an 18 year pumped full of testosterone. Perhaps if anything the effect of testosterone is to inhibit this sense of being female. Thus lessening it somewhat. Once it drains away, so to speak, the sense of who you really are comes to the fore.
I would say this is true of all men who reach that point. Of course nothing is ever that simplistic but maybe part of scheme of things. But testosterone is the main driver in what makes a man into a man. Look at female to male Transexuals.

I think it must be like coming off a drug. When you look back you think: 'What was I thinking?' That how it was for me anyway.

As for it being a first world problem. Well you can dismiss many things as first world problems. Yet they remain a problem nonetheless. What makes you think men in the third world don't suffer from this as well, on top of all the other complications in their lives?

[Lorileah]

using the "Low-T" theory has huge flaws in it unless you also add the fact that there is (was) a proclivity before that. The whole rage of hormonal supplements does is based right now on Big Pharma. Funny how for centuries men survived just fine...OK so sex was less...tha should have been incentive to make it better.

I am one of the "life is short" crowd. And one where it took two major instances to make me react. It wasn't a decrease in T (I often wonder if I ever had much anyway).

[PaulaQ]

Ironically enough, the reason you are TG most likely does have to do with testosterone levels. Just not yours - more likely, your mothers while you are in the womb.

I think there are two factors that make some come out in the 40's:
1. Gender Dysphoria tends to be progressive, and eventually you reach a point where you can't take being closeted anymore.
2. As you reach this age, your internal resistance drops some - your kids are grown, your in a better place financially, you are more comfortable that this is a part of you, not some awful perversion.

So your need increases, and your resistance decreases. So you move forward a step. Possibly the last step you take along this path.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Kim, excellent observation & analysis. Peace, mel

[sometimes_miss]

For some, there's always the dream that either the feelings will stop, or some miracle will turn us into the girls we want to be. Those feelings go away just like the dream of say, marrying our favorite movie star and living happily ever after. Things change as we get older, we focus more on what we are rather than what we will become. Think about it; when you're young, it seems like anything is possible; we can become famous, rich, sports stars, movie actors, astronauts. By 40, we realize that's never going to happen (at least, for most of us). So for some, I suppose it's simply easier to stop denying reality. And for others, we run head long into the fantasy world and never look back.

[Beverley Sims]

Maybe a midlife crisis thing.
This never happened to me and I never came out to anyone.

[CynthiaD]

I think there are two things at work here. One important factor is the liberalization of attitudes toward the LGBT community. I grew up in the late 50's and early 60's. Crossdressing was illegal. If you were clocked you could actually go to jail. There were actual cases of women being arrested for wearing pants. By that standard, today's world is unbelievably tollerant.

The second factor is age. When you're young, you have self doubts and you need to "prove yourself" to others, and to yourself. After a while, you know who you are, and you don't have anything left to prove. At this point it's much easier to say, "Yes, this is who I am. Take it or leave it."

[JamieTG]

It was about age 45 for me when I started coming out and being myself in front of others. It was the late nineties at that time and I had just discovered the internet. I was emboldened when I discovered so many like myself. The other reason was I was sick and tired of of always protecting a secret. It was eating me up inside.

[abby054]

Maybe a midlife crisis thing.
This never happened to me and I never came out to anyone.

A midlife crisis seems like a viable reason. It makes sense, though I have never had one. Likewise, I have never come out to anyone except my wife. That did not go well.